i just love how because emily dickinson’s poems are classified by their first lines, accidental little poems just appear all the time in indexes and the table of contents. for example:
"Do you love me, want me, hate me? Boy, I don't understand."
y\n knocked on the door lightly, hoping not to bother him this time. Two days ago, the seemly innocuous action had caused a loud argument between them and the newly named captain.
It was about 4:30 in the afternoon, the perfect time for midday tea, Levi would say. Back in the day, it would have been him knocking at their door, claiming he had made too much tea for one person and 'such quality product could not go to waste'. A subtle way to show off his newly acquired tea-making skills and the only way Levi knew to show he cared, even if he didn’t see it as such.
Their knock bared no response, prompting an internal debate of what would be worst, to knock again and potentially disrupt Levi’s workflow or to leave and have wasted a cup of the expensive brew.
y|n sighs, hoping miraculously Levi would be in a good mood, a rare sight ever since he was made Captain of the Special Operations Squad. Before this, Levi was not known for being easy-going and calm, but his demeanor certainly was much less “snappy.”
It was as if out of the blue, y|n’s existence had become a nuance to him.
They heard the ruffling of papers, chairs moving, and a small giggle. Levi was certainly there and certainly not alone.
Y|n knocked again, a little louder this time. Finally, the door opened up, but instead of finding their short-tempered boyfriend, y|n was greeted by Petra leaving his office.
“Goodbye, Capitan le- Oh! y|n, hey! I mean, Um, excuse me,” Petra said quickly, giving both of her superiors a quick salute and dismissing herself quickly.
Petra came out of Levi’s office with glowing skin and a bright smile. Y|n took this as a sign perhaps the captain will finally receive them in his good graces, though they could not ignore the uneasy feeling Petra’s presence in his office gave them.
“I brought you some tea, black and no sugar,” y|n said as they walked through his office, settling the tray in his table. “Just the way you like it.”
“How many times do I have to tell you not to come in unannounced,” he did not sound angry, just tired. A good sign.
“I did announce myself," they sat in the chair across the Captain, resting their elbows on the table and laying their face on their palms, utterly comfortable in their environment due to the hundreds of times they have found themselves in this very office in the exact same position. “Twice, actually.”
Levi sigh in defeat, attempting to avoid an argument over something so insignificant. “Thanks .. for the tea,” Levi murmured, not sparing a single glance their way. His tone wasn’t menacing as it often is, and y|n mistakenly took this as a sign that their presence was wanted.
One step forward, I guess, they thought. One interaction that had not immediately gone sour was a win on their book.
“Do you need anything else?”
y|n noted the way the bags under his eyes seemed darker than usual, and how, while he was here, talking to them, his mind was somewhere else. Something that seemed to be constant these last couple of weeks.
“Oh, well, I was hoping we could talk, you know? We haven’t been able to spend any time together in … well, a while” Their voice hinted sadness, which Levi could pick up but decided to ignore, attributing it to what he considered to be clinginess and immaturity.
“Not know y|n, I’m busy.”
“But-”
“I said not now, Y|N. Are you deaf or just stupid?” Levi interrupted. He didn’t mean for his voice to rise, for his eyes to throw menacing glares, or for his words to be so harsh, but he was brute and hostile and above all stubborn. He was not one to take his words back, and he wasn’t about to start now.
“Not ‘too busy’ for Petra though… as per usual,” y|n spat bitterly as they got up from the wooden chair, not thinking of the consequences of their words but at least speaking their truth, something Levi was not so good at.
“What the fuck is that suppose to mean?” His eyes shot up, looking at them for the first time that day. His blinding anger making him unable to appreciate the extra time y|n spent fixing their hair and making sure their uniform was meticulously placed in a way that only Levi would notice had things not become so tense so quickly.
“Whatever, Levi, I’m leaving.” Y|n rebutted as they hastily got up for their seat and harshly put the now luke-warm beverage back into the silver trait.
“If you have something to say, just say it and face the consequences!” He slammed his hands against his desk and got up from his chair hastily. “Don’t say shit like that if you’re just gonna leave.”
The anger in his voice made y|n shiver. They know perhaps the accusation was out of line. Petra and Levi shared an exclusively subordinate and captain relationship, at least as far as Levi would admit. Yet, y|n couldn’t help but notice their relationship had changed entirely once Petra was introduced to the mix.
But even if Petra was the catalyst for the destruction of their relationship, the foundation it was built on had always been unstable. Their relationship had always been a constant back and forth, but the intensity of what y|n used to consider constructive discussion had scaled exponentially as of late.
“Oh no no no. if YOU have something to say, say it. I came here to spend time with my supposed 'boyfriend', not to be screamed at for trying to be a good partner.” It was pretty apparent to y|n that there was something bothering Levi, and they thought his lack of emotional intelligence was the reason he was taking it out on them. It never occurred to them that they could be the reason for his sudden anger issues.
"A good partner? Acting like a self-serving, petty brat won’t help your case.” His voice spat venom, but his demeanor remained cool. It was just typical Levi and y|n hated that about him. His apathetic personality paired with his crudeness made them feel so small, but it wasn’t the insult or the direct attempts to hurt them that pained them the most. It was the knowledge that Levi could be the exact opposite of this.
In fact, he had been.
Under the walls he had constructed, there was once appreciation for y|n. The appreciation they’re only got to see in private, in the hidden world they built for each other only to be materialized in the seemly innocuous acts of kindness and the loving whispers.
All of that now clouded by cruel insults and lack of action.
His last remark prompted y|n to look at him in the eyes with a defiant look; getting closer to his face, they replied: “I don’t have to prove anything to you, Levi. Not anymore.”
Before Levi could reply, y|n stormed off, hoping that having the last word would be enough to feel that they won the argument.
It wasn't.
Pushing Levi away could only be considered a loss in their book.
And two steps back, they thought.
“You should break up with him y|n,” Eld says as he fed one of the horses at the Survey Corps Stable.
Feeding horses and cleaning up feces was not the most glamorous job, but when the alternative was training under Levi’s supervision, everyone preferred to do the latter. Especially y|n, who had made it their mission to avoid Captain Levi for the rest of the day after their "little argument."
“You’re getting too comfortable talking about your captain’s love life Eld.” Y|n couldn’t bear to look at her old friend. They knew he was right. Not only was their relationship an endless rollercoaster of emotions, but it was also completely against the rules of the Survey Corps for them to be together. If they got caught, it could mean the expulsion of both of them and, even worse… going back to the underground. “You don’t want to get caught talking about his private life, again!”
“Technically, we’re talking about YOUR love life y|n.”
Eld put his hands on y|n shoulders in a reassuring manner, forcing them to look at him in slight shame.
“Sure, he’s “Humanity’s strongest” or whatever they’re calling him these days, but you’re my friend, and he’s not good for you.”
y|n, and Eld had been friends since their start in the survey corps. They had managed to rise through the ranks together, making them both second in command in their respective squads. Eld regarded y|n as a younger sibling, even when y|n was technically a few months older than him. But even given their close relationship Eld never refrained from being honest and straightforward. If Eld said y|n and Levi’s relationship was no good, it probably wasn’t. He didn’t say it to annoy y|n or because he cared for them, although he did. He also didn’t say it because he didn’t respect or trust his Capitan because he did. In fact, he held Levi in the highest regard. Eld was just used to saying things as he saw them.
“You don’t know that.”
You don’t know him the way I do, is what y|n wanted to say. Sure, Captain Levi could be hard to love, but so were they. Wasn't that what love was all about?
“He’s the only one who understands, you know? The underground, the deaths, the hurt. He .. gets it”
Eld understood. Of course, it made sense for them to bond by having similar life experiences. On top of that the trauma they were collecting facing losing doses of their comrades to fighting for humanity every month.
But shared life experience did not equate to love, at least in his opinion. He didn’t say that, though. He was sure y|n had enough to deal with, and his opinion would only make matters worst.
For a moment, they kept silent. Both enjoying the comfort of their company and the fact that they were not running the “casual” 500 laps Captain Levi loves to torture his subordinates with.
That was until y|n broke the silence and said:
“I know it’s a mess, and maybe it’s not healthy, but he- he is all I ever had.”
y|n had not seen Levi since tea time. Now, at 9:30 pm, the cadets ended their training for the day and populated the dining hall with loud chatter and even louder stomachs.
Usually, y|n would take a seat next to Levi and the other section commanders and team leaders. Today, the typically empty table at the end of the dining hall seemed like a much better place to sit. Everyone was required to show up to dinner; otherwise, y|n could continue hiding out in the room, avoiding certain raven-haired Capitan.
Levi was already sitting at their usual table. Seemly listening to a chatty Hange but most definitely tuning out their whole conversation. A sight that, any other day, would have been comical to y|n.
As much as y|n avoided looking at that table, it was almost impossible to avoid their gaze for a whole night. Y|n decided to look up as to seem as natural as possible to the cadets around her and, as if life was playing a practical joke on them, in that very moment they saw Petra going to the table and asking permission to sit next to Levi.
Of course, they also witness the so generous Capitan moving over to give her space.
The space that’s usually theirs, obviously.
What y|n didn’t catch, too busy playing with the unidentifiable chunks in their soup and trying to ignore the growing knot of jealousy in their stomach, was the way the Capitan subtly eyed the room looking for them, finally spotting them after 20 mins too long.
Levi sighed in annoyance but also in slight relief. It couldn’t be so bad if they showed up to dinner. God knows y|n is good at making ridiculous excuses when they want to get out of something.
Before they could notice that Levi was no longer in his seat, y|n felt a light tap on their shoulder.
“Tch, you haven’t even touched your soup,” Levi said as he tossed a piece of bread their way, “eat, we have a double shift tomorrow.”
“Thanks..” y|n whispered, surprised and slightly embarrassed. They did not want to make it seem like they were making a scene or acting out in any way but they were still hurt after the argument they had earlier.
“Y|NNNN!!!” Hange screamed before they could properly respond to Levi.
“What are you doing here? Are you okay? Are you sick? I know something that could make you feel better. Wait, do you wanna hear about the AMAZING discovery I made today. Let me tell you EVERYTHING! We should start 38 days ago, when….”
For the rest of dinner, both of them were summited to the mortifying ordeal of being loved by Hange. Levi placed one hand on y|n’a thigh, given them a reassuring squeeze which they return with a warm smile.
At this moment, things seemed to make sense again and a breath of relief was exhaled.
Sure, things weren’t always great, but he was here and that was all that matter.
One step forward.
At 2:30 am, y|n laid in their bed in cold sweats after waking up from yet another nightmare. A reality not just for them, but anyone who had gone on an excursion with the Survey Crops, a curse they all had to live with as well as their motivation.
Since simply laying in bed seemed to be useless so y|n decided some midnight tea might ease their problem. Y|n thought of Levi; perhaps he might want some too. In different circumstances, they wouldn't have questioned paying him at night time visit but on the off chance that he was actually asleep it was best to not disturb him and risk putting him in a bad mood. Things had ended on a good note today, but they could go south very quickly.
As y|n was getting ready to go the kitchen; they heard a very faint knock at the door, one that they might have missed had they been sleeping.
Reluctantly, y|n opened the door, and as if thinking about him had summoned him, there was Levi on the other side.
“Levi…”
“Y|n.” His answer was firm and cold, as it usually is, but his eyes refused to meet theirs, and he did not make any attempts to sneak into their room as he had done so many times.
“I- I’m sorry, I didn’t expect you tonight. Do you want to come in?” Y|n said after a slightly uncomfortable moment of silence.
“No, I’m not here for a visit. I’m— Well, I don’t know how to say this y|n, but I think it’s best if we .. end it.”
y|n could have sworn that in that instance, their whole world was collapsing. They heard the words, and they knew what they meant, and yet they seemed incomprehensible. Was he really ending it all? Was it because of their argument today? Did he hate them because of it? Was it something they said at dinner? They don’t remember speaking very much anyways. Everything was so confusing.
“End it? End what, Levi if this is about today, I-”
“Tch, don’t be so dense, brat, I just think it’s for the best,” Levi interrupted; everyone could see things weren’t working out. Did they really have to make this so hard for him? He said to himself. “Goodnight y|n”
y|n woke up to the sound of birds chirping and radiating sunshine. The window was open and the morning breeze brushed their face delicately as their eyes adjust to the light. In other circumstances, this moment might have been deemed a perfect morning but to y|n it was simply the universe's way of mocking them as the memories from the night start creeping in.
“It’s best if we end it,” he had said.
So easily and nonchalant. Like it didn’t hurt him, as if it was truly for the best.
The broken-hearted lover could not grasp how he could possibly think that. All-nighters, the reassuring hand-squeezes, the discrete kisses in the middle of the day, they surely had to have meant something. To y\n those were unmistakable signs of love but were they wrong to think they meant the same to him. Levi had never told them he loved them. It may be that their first mistake was to assume he did.
Y|n never exerted any expectations of verbal affection on him because they believed him when he said he was just not the sentimental type. But maybe things were much more simple than that — he couldn't say it because he didn't mean it and Levi could be many things but a liar was not one of them. His sincerity was almost obnoxious to y|n and if he had said it was for the best then he was probably convinced that it was. “What does that asshole even know about what’s best for me?” They said to themselves trying hard to ignore the faint voice in the back of their mind that want to burst into his office and scream "It's you, Levi, YOU ARE RIGHT FOR ME."
After a few minutes of contemplation, a slight headache started to creep in. It must have been from all the crying that accompanied the night before, leaving y|n dehydrated and alone. Nightmares had tormented them the whole night. Nightmares of being lost, alone, and being devoured by the Titans over and over again. No one to save them.
Not anymore.
y|n had to admit that having Levi on their side had filled them with an unconscious sense of security, that had now become apparent because it was no longer there. To have humanity's strongest soldier look after you is more than anyone could ever ask for and y|n started to realize they had taken that fact for granted.
Would he still care? Or would he deem the effort useless as he has had to do with many of their comrades?
In comparison to Levi, y|n deemed themselves a lousy soldier. They couldn’t help but think that at this rate, it was probable that they would die before they got to rise up to the next rank. Most people did, so why would they be the exception? And well if they really thought about it, it had been extremely telling that Levi picked Eld, Petra, and even Oluo over them to be part of the special operation’s squat. Eld and Y|n had started serving at the survey corps at the same time and had similar stats. Whatever the reason was for Levi choosing Eld over her haunts y|n's mind constantly, especially in moments like this where Levi's feelings for them were questionable. Which, not surprisingly, happened quite often.
A loud knock disrupted y|n instructive thoughts, making them aware of the way that it seemed to be brighter than usual and how they can hear voices on the distan..ce.
Oh..
The person at the other side of the door knocked once again, their voice accompanied by a hint of worry. “Y|n! Y|n! are you’re here? You’re usually the first one up, are you okay? Mike is looking for you everywhere! Y|n!!”
“What do you mean, Hange? What time is it?” They shouted.
"Way past 10! get up!"
"Fuck, I'm coming!" Y|n said as they frantically put on their uniform, dishevel and messy in a way that Levi would hate. Their perfectly crafted persona, quickly crumbled in front of everyone the moment Levi left them. How pathetic.
Things couldn't get worst, they thought. But of course, they could and they always do.
Y|n got a "well-deserve" reprimand from her Capitan, Mike, who although very strong and overall very capable relies on y|n's organization and administrative skills way too much. On top of that, Erwin himself had caught them trying to sneak out of the dormitories past breakfast, and worst of all, Levi was with him. Erwin gave y\n a long sermon about how soldiers of their caliber should never be late and how he was disappointed in them or something like that … y|n could only notice how Levi could not even spare them a glance. Did he truly hate them that badly?
Once Erwin finally decided it had been enough pestering for the day, he took off, leaving the former lovers all on their own.
“Are we, um are we good?” His voice was full of doubts and embarrassment, it made y|n flinch for a second. If they didn't know him better, they might have thought there was something seriously wrong with the Capitan. But his vulnerability often came out when they were alone and she had seen the parts of him that he tried so hard to keep from everyone else, one of them being shame which he only ever shown in extremely rare and unfortunate occasions.
“Of course, why wouldn’t we be? Just because we broke up doesn’t mean we can’t still be friends, right?”
Y|n face could have fooled anyone, but not Levi. Their smiles was forced, their shoulders seemed tense, and their crossed arms mirrored the metaphorical wall between them.
“Right ... y|n, I realize that just leaving after saying that was.. um, immature of me. Pass by my office at 4, we can talk about it”
“Oh, I mean it seemed that you said all that you had to say but sure, Levi. Thanks”
A million possibilities of the pending conversation plagued y|n's mind the whole day. What else did he have to say? There were hundreds of ways this conversation could go and only about five outcomes were in y|n's favor. Would he have them removed from the survey crops in an attempt to avoid them? Maybe he would report their relationship to Erwin, knowing full well y|n would get the short end of the stick. Yet, maybe … just maybe ..there is a possibility that things would be fine. Perhaps they would laugh a little bit, the tension will be broken and he … apologizes, blames it all on anger and fear. Embraces them tightly, as he tends to do after long excursions and particularly hard missions and in that moment, they both will know that everything was going to be okay.
Levi wanting to actually “talk” was very strange but perhaps a good sign for their relationship. They can only hope he realized their relationship is worth fighting for, even if it puts them both in an uncomfortable position at first.
That has to be It, y|n thought. Levi and y|n always understood each other, their quality time together never seemed like a chore, and their casual conversations flowed endlessly. Surely, their breakup was a momentary thing.
Among all training and thinking, four finally came to be.
y|n prepared their usual, two cups of black tea directly imported from Wall Sina. No sugar and freshly made. As if it was any other day, y|n made their way to Levi's office.
A scene they had now become accustomed to displayed before them. Petra came out of Levi's office wide-eyed and blushed. Y|n tried to repress their jealousy, clinging to the last bit of hope they had for their relationship. His voice echoed in their head, repeating the phrase he has said so many times before, "She's my subordinate y/n. We're just ... friends."
Just friends.
Ironically enough, Captain Levi was not one to be known for having very many friends.
Y/n watches with sad eyes but even in their broken-hearted state they still hope all of this is an unfortunate misunderstanding. They must be really good friends, they thought to themself as they watched from a distance.
y/n clear their throat to make their presence known by the comrades. Petra quickly changes her stance distancing herself from Levi but unable to hide her fluster demeanor.
“I can come back later if this is a bad time”
“No, I was just leaving! Nice to see you, y|n.” She waved energetically towards them and turned to Levi giving the signature salute “Capitan.”
Y|n watched her walk away. Her perfectly straight hair bounced with every step. Her uniform was impeccable and her stance showed leadership and self-confidence. Petra Rall: incredibly agile, has close to perfect control of ODM great, a team player, and most importantly, a kind person. How could anyone hate her? And yet, here they were secretly harboring resentment of the lowest form — resentment over a man. “I suppose I never claimed to be a good person” y|n thinks.
“Are you coming inside?” Levi said disrupting y|n from her thoughts, which made them flush in embarrassment. Had they been staring at Petra for too long?
“Right, sorry” y\n walked in into the office cautiously. For a moment, feeling like everything around them was made out of the most fragile glass and that any of their brute movements, for more delicate than they pretend to be, would make the whole thing burst into a million tiny pieces, making the whole thing irreparably damaged.
After a few moments of uncomfortable silence, Levi was the first to speak.
“So?”
y|n did not understand how such innocuous words could ignite such terrible anger inside of them. “So?” was that the best he could come up with after causing irrevocable damage to their heart? Their face remained cold and expressionless, but their knuckles were turning a bright shade of red.
“Oh, well, I don’t know. You asked me to come here, remember?” Their soft-spoken voice masked every feeling of exasperation they may have been feeling but even the blind could tell this facade was a ticking time bomb.
“You don’t want to talk about it?” His voice was as cool and calm as ever. He even had the audacity to sound genuinely confused. Inside, his insides were twisting. To see you be hurt because of him did affect him but a decision had been taken and he did not feel as he owed an explanation for following a gut feeling. A feeling that often saved his life and one that he was not about to start ignoring now. He noticed the tightness of the first y|n’s holding in their lap and almost as an instinct reaction, he put his hand over theirs in a reassuring manner, not measuring the implication behind the action.
y|n looked at their hands and then back to his eyes and they could have sworn somewhere in there, they saw the love and care Levi had for them. To them, it had been undeniable and suddenly all the anger decimated.
There is hope.
“I do, it’s why I’m here.” Y|n brought their hands closer to their heart and close the distance between their faces, “Listen, Levi, I know it's hard for you to talk about your feelings and that’s okay. I just want you to know, I’m willing to make this work.”
“Wait, what? Y|n, no, that's not ...”
“Well, you asked me to come here to talk this thought, right? Well, here I am. Tell me where I went wrong, I will fix it. I will fix us.” He closed his eyes in regret, just know noticing how his action could be misconstrued. It was difficult to suddenly start acting a certain way with a person that just yesterday was still your partner. Levi now understood this. He quickly let go of their hand in a movement that was rather harsh. He tried to do the right thing, he thought. He tried to talk it out, make things right hoping their friendship will continue only for y|n to make it all about themself and their feelings, at least in his perception.
“Wait.. no. Why are you trying to make this all about yourself y|n?”
For a moment, y|n did not know how to react. They felt sadness, anger, and immense embarrassment. All together and all at once. They had never been so overwhelmed by so many negative emotions in such a short amount of time. “Not for one second did you stop to consider maybe, just maybe, this is what I wanted.”
The implication of that sentence left y|n’s mouth dry and unrelentlessly upset. Unable to utter a single word, y\n resorted to actions — smashing Levi’s teacup to the ground and walking away at once, ignoring Levi’s swears and demanding shouts.
All y\n had ever done was try their best — to be the strongest, the smartest, the kindness. The best soldier, the best lover, the best person. For Levi, for their friends, for the Survey Corps, God, even for Humanity — a bunch of ungrateful strangers that hated them and couldn’t care less about the countless sacrifices being made.
“Is this the kind of thanks I get?” y|n said to no one in particular. Almost was able to visualize the Universe laughing at them, once again.
Eren, you’ve lost. Enough already. We’ve all suffered enough. You’ve suffered enough. We’re all fated to die in a few years either way. It doesn’t matter how much we struggle against it, we all die. Why do you struggle? What are you fighting for? What for … ?
♡ — tags/warnings: mentions of cheating and alcohol. side aruani and yumihisu. honestly just a feel-good fic, with humour and fluff <3
♡ — a/n: honestly, this is the most “romantic comedy” fic i’ve ever written and i love it <3 shout out to @ofoceansandtombstones that beta read this one mwah thank u
♡ — masterlist
There was an ill taste in your mouth that wouldn’t go away, no matter how many drinks you had. And you already had more than a few. From your spot on the table, you could see your friends dancing and having the time of their lives. You really wished you could join them. Nevertheless, you had wasted all your energy forcing a smile and clapping along during the ceremony. Once you had arrived at the hotel reception with the rest of the guests, you had slid a bill to a kind waitress and told her to keep the drinks coming.
Ymir and Historia were dancing in front of you. Stoic, sour-faced Ymir couldn’t help but smile as her sweet girlfriend twirled and giggled, her cheeks red and eyes just the tiniest bit unfocused. Next to them, Sasha, Jean and Connie were owning the dance floor, moving in sync to the happy music. A grin formed on your face as you saw Connie lifting Sasha up and her almost falling to the floor. Jean was holding his stomach as he laughed loudly.
On a nearby table, Mikasa looked over at them, a small smile on his lips. She was sitting next to her girlfriend, who was holding her hand as they watched their friends dance. You saw her girlfriend leaning over to her and whispering something in her ear, to which she chuckled. It was so strange -and so beautiful- to see Mikasa laugh that it took you aback. And apparently, also the girl she was with, because her lips slightly parted as she watched her in awe.
