Confessions of a Massage Therapist

@massagemusings

LMT, LE, and Spa Manager just here to tell you you need a massage

230 posts

In a SHOCKING UPSET, millennial beauty influencer wannabes have been replaced as WORST CLIENT TO MASSAGE by the 20-something men who think they know more than you! The perpetrator was a massage therapist of six months! Tune in next week to see if millennial beauty influencer wannabes can retake their place on the podium! *Air horn noises* *BADADADAH* *crazy cheers.*

#just give them 40 something men who want me to step on them #I'm trained in that modality

Me: We are closed on Monday afternoons.

Them: okay.

Them: I called yesterday afternoon and it went to voicemail!

Me: yesterday... Was Monday.

It's so great to try and drum up business for a spa that I don't actually control. Because they're all "in the last three years, it's just gone 👎" and I'm like "oh, yes, you mean since the my boss took over. Yep. Checks out! Anyway, I need more appointments."

Found out I was a client's massage side piece today. And she likes me better 😅

What to wear on a massage table:

(literally nothing)

Hairband, if hair is longer than a pixie/fade

Exceptions:

Underwear, if you're uncomfortable being fully nude or if you're on your period and can't wear tampons

A bra, if your nipples get tender with friction or you're nursing — unclasped and the straps off — or if you're uncomfortable

Loose, flowy clothes if you are getting a massage in a style that does not typically "dress down" — sport, Thai, craniosacral, shiatsu, etc.

Claw clip

Extensions, but only if they're not clip-in, halo, or tape in.

Never EVER:

Swimwear

Sportswear

Sports bras

Socks

Jewelry

Even if it's fabric

Underwear that is too small (literally 50% of y'all should size up your underwear)

Jeans

Shoes

Sometimes, I'm like "I should make a guide on how to Behave during a spa appointment" but guys it would be to NOT DO EVERYTHING THIS LAST CLIENT DID??????

My first client today is also a man — who I have worked on before!!!!! — and I cannot stop blushing thinking about what might go wrong. Save me from my blistering cheeks.

springsgreenleaves

Did he behave????

Yeah. I worked on him before, and he's cool. I just was Awkward.

Sometimes, I'm like "I should make a guide on how to Behave during a spa appointment" but guys it would be to NOT DO EVERYTHING THIS LAST CLIENT DID??????

My first client today is also a man — who I have worked on before!!!!! — and I cannot stop blushing thinking about what might go wrong. Save me from my blistering cheeks.

#God bless my olive skin #which reveals nothing

Sometimes, I'm like "I should make a guide on how to Behave during a spa appointment" but guys it would be to NOT DO EVERYTHING THIS LAST CLIENT DID??????

springsgreenleaves

Spill the teeeeeaaaaaa

Okay.

Dude showed up 35 minutes late. Did not fill out paperwork beforehand.

Said he just came from the gym and hand put it in his schedule wrong.

He was not recently at the gym; he was sweating alcohol. He was on my table DRUNK. DO NOT COME DRUNK TO A MASSAGE.

He didn't sit down in the relaxation lounge that is Right There once he was changed. Instead, he went down the hall and decided the room he was supposed to be in was our wet room. No. Wait for your therapist/service provider to pick you up from the waiting room.

Also, saw the shower in the wet room and asked if he could use it afterwards. No. It's not located in the public facilities, so it is attached to a service, which you are not getting, and I have already told you I don't have extra time. I cannot stay and clean that behind him, even if I had that as an add on option?

Asked him if there was anything to focus on or avoid and he said no.

Walked in on him doing boat pose on the table. This wasn't a Thai massage; he was naked.

After I started working on him, he THEN told me not to work on places I was working on.

Also asked me if he could have his full time back. Again. No. I have to go home. I have a family memorial to be at.

Asked to turn on the table warmer and take off the heavier comforter — fine, acceptable; we have dark sheets that do not let you see through. This is not okay at every location.

Kept trying to interlace fingers while I was working on his hands. Again, pretty sure he was drunk.

Started working on his legs. He spread his legs further apart. This does happen on occasion and is irritating. I need people's legs in a relaxed position so I can work on the muscles. When you V your legs the inside of them are very taught and nothing I do will help relax them.

I reset his legs to | |. Went back to V.

Randomly started stretching as I was working on him. He, again, was naked. The stretching shifted the drape and I saw his whole butt, from top of the crack to his balls. This would not be the last time.

Specifically asked for stretching during his massage, but normally you let the therapist do their job instead of randomly stretching whenever you feel like it??? To prevent just this issue?????

Also the stretch that he did was specifically not conducive to prone position. He essentially turned face up while I was working on his hamstrings. Shockingly, this does not make hamstring massage easier.

Turned him face up and he leaned forward off the table to look and see if there was any water. In the massage room.

When I did turn him face up, he couldn't keep still enough that the crap stayed in place. He would stretch an arm and the drape would shift lower. He'd put his arm back and push the drape with it. And it wasn't like he was trying to expose more skin, because he would pull it in different directions. I frequently went back and adjusted the drap. Probably a solid five minutes of this 45 minute massage was just trying to not see his penis. I saw his penis. Many times.

Started working on the front of his legs, did the stretching thing again. I cannot massage your quads when they are touching your abdomen.

I released his psoas, and then he spent several minutes in a crunch position trying to figure out what his psoas actually was.

Afterwards, I massaged his abdomen, specifically around his diaphragm, and he started helping??? Like, he was also massaging it??? By his ribs??? Why.

When I worked up his ribs, my knuckles popped and he thought it was his ribs and asked me to do it again because it felt good. Not a chiropractor, can't do that, and also, those were my knuckles, you didn't feel anything.

Worked on his chest, he whispered that he didn't like one of the stretches in my ear. 1, that's what you asked for, 2, don't. whisper like that. It's Weird.

Also didn't tell me ahead of time that he had shoulder surgery on one shoulder twice and should've had it on the other. Please tell me about your injuries.

Fully sits up as I am working on his neck and upper shoulders so I could show him where his rhomboids were. Those were the muscles I was currently working on.

Asked me to go back to his legs and do more around his hips and pelvic bowl. Fine, yeah. Asked for a lomi lomi drape (loincloth style) so I could do some runs from the top of his hips around to his glutes. Okay. Crunched up and LOOKED AT ME WHILE I WAS BETWEEN HIS LEGS???? 🫪🫪🫪

Pulled off the drape covering his very soft penis because it just "felt more natural"?????????

(was it soft because he didn't think it was sexual or because he was too drunk to become erect the world will never know)

At this point, I don't know if it's a sex thing — I very firmly tell him that it is not appropriate and he will need to lead the premises if he makes it sexual — or if he's just got zero normal boundaries. Or if he's just still drunk.

If I was sure it wasn't a sex thing, it honestly wouldn't have even been a thing because I'd already seen his penis, like, 18 times.

Finish, get done, meet him with fresh water. His robe is not fully closed. His penis is out for me and the esthetician who is also across the hall to see. He doesn't even notice????

Tries to pay for the massage with me while still in his robe.

Apparently brought, like, $600 in cash?????? I mean, I like cash as much as the next person, but that is unnecessary. Also you pay at the front desk, you don't need to bring it into the room.

Was very apologetic as he was leaving, not for the potential sexual assault but for showing up late.

He did tip well but the whole thing was so off-putting I almost want to burn it just so I don't have skeevy cash. I won't because $60 for emotional damages isn't even enough but I'm definitely using them first.

Gonna suggest:

Or

Also, I do not drink, but if I have more clients like this, I might start doing meth.

springsgreenleaves

Not sure meth is good either...

I don't think so either, but drinking gives me a shoulder ache and I cry when I drink alone so that is off the table.

Sometimes, I'm like "I should make a guide on how to Behave during a spa appointment" but guys it would be to NOT DO EVERYTHING THIS LAST CLIENT DID??????

springsgreenleaves

Spill the teeeeeaaaaaa

Okay.

Dude showed up 35 minutes late. Did not fill out paperwork beforehand.

Said he just came from the gym and hand put it in his schedule wrong.

He was not recently at the gym; he was sweating alcohol. He was on my table DRUNK. DO NOT COME DRUNK TO A MASSAGE.

He didn't sit down in the relaxation lounge that is Right There once he was changed. Instead, he went down the hall and decided the room he was supposed to be in was our wet room. No. Wait for your therapist/service provider to pick you up from the waiting room.

Also, saw the shower in the wet room and asked if he could use it afterwards. No. It's not located in the public facilities, so it is attached to a service, which you are not getting, and I have already told you I don't have extra time. I cannot stay and clean that behind him, even if I had that as an add on option?

Asked him if there was anything to focus on or avoid and he said no.

Walked in on him doing boat pose on the table. This wasn't a Thai massage; he was naked.

After I started working on him, he THEN told me not to work on places I was working on.

Also asked me if he could have his full time back. Again. No. I have to go home. I have a family memorial to be at.

Asked to turn on the table warmer and take off the heavier comforter — fine, acceptable; we have dark sheets that do not let you see through. This is not okay at every location.

Kept trying to interlace fingers while I was working on his hands. Again, pretty sure he was drunk.

Started working on his legs. He spread his legs further apart. This does happen on occasion and is irritating. I need people's legs in a relaxed position so I can work on the muscles. When you V your legs the inside of them are very taught and nothing I do will help relax them.

I reset his legs to | |. Went back to V.

Randomly started stretching as I was working on him. He, again, was naked. The stretching shifted the drape and I saw his whole butt, from top of the crack to his balls. This would not be the last time.

Specifically asked for stretching during his massage, but normally you let the therapist do their job instead of randomly stretching whenever you feel like it??? To prevent just this issue?????

Also the stretch that he did was specifically not conducive to prone position. He essentially turned face up while I was working on his hamstrings. Shockingly, this does not make hamstring massage easier.

Turned him face up and he leaned forward off the table to look and see if there was any water. In the massage room.

When I did turn him face up, he couldn't keep still enough that the crap stayed in place. He would stretch an arm and the drape would shift lower. He'd put his arm back and push the drape with it. And it wasn't like he was trying to expose more skin, because he would pull it in different directions. I frequently went back and adjusted the drap. Probably a solid five minutes of this 45 minute massage was just trying to not see his penis. I saw his penis. Many times.

Started working on the front of his legs, did the stretching thing again. I cannot massage your quads when they are touching your abdomen.

I released his psoas, and then he spent several minutes in a crunch position trying to figure out what his psoas actually was.

Afterwards, I massaged his abdomen, specifically around his diaphragm, and he started helping??? Like, he was also massaging it??? By his ribs??? Why.

When I worked up his ribs, my knuckles popped and he thought it was his ribs and asked me to do it again because it felt good. Not a chiropractor, can't do that, and also, those were my knuckles, you didn't feel anything.

Worked on his chest, he whispered that he didn't like one of the stretches in my ear. 1, that's what you asked for, 2, don't. whisper like that. It's Weird.

Also didn't tell me ahead of time that he had shoulder surgery on one shoulder twice and should've had it on the other. Please tell me about your injuries.

Fully sits up as I am working on his neck and upper shoulders so I could show him where his rhomboids were. Those were the muscles I was currently working on.

Asked me to go back to his legs and do more around his hips and pelvic bowl. Fine, yeah. Asked for a lomi lomi drape (loincloth style) so I could do some runs from the top of his hips around to his glutes. Okay. Crunched up and LOOKED AT ME WHILE I WAS BETWEEN HIS LEGS???? 🫪🫪🫪

Pulled off the drape covering his very soft penis because it just "felt more natural"?????????

(was it soft because he didn't think it was sexual or because he was too drunk to become erect the world will never know)

At this point, I don't know if it's a sex thing — I very firmly tell him that it is not appropriate and he will need to lead the premises if he makes it sexual — or if he's just got zero normal boundaries. Or if he's just still drunk.

If I was sure it wasn't a sex thing, it honestly wouldn't have even been a thing because I'd already seen his penis, like, 18 times.

Finish, get done, meet him with fresh water. His robe is not fully closed. His penis is out for me and the esthetician who is also across the hall to see. He doesn't even notice????

Tries to pay for the massage with me while still in his robe.

Apparently brought, like, $600 in cash?????? I mean, I like cash as much as the next person, but that is unnecessary. Also you pay at the front desk, you don't need to bring it into the room.

Was very apologetic as he was leaving, not for the potential sexual assault but for showing up late.

He did tip well but the whole thing was so off-putting I almost want to burn it just so I don't have skeevy cash. I won't because $60 for emotional damages isn't even enough but I'm definitely using them first.

Gonna suggest:

Or

Also, I do not drink, but if I have more clients like this, I might start doing meth.

Turns out, you actually can break an essential oil bottle if you fling it onto concrete hard enough

springsgreenleaves

Was this up for debate?

Honestly, the number of times I've dropped them, I thought so. Now I know centrifugal force and an arc will do the job.

Sometimes, I'm like "I should make a guide on how to Behave during a spa appointment" but guys it would be to NOT DO EVERYTHING THIS LAST CLIENT DID??????

springsgreenleaves

Spill the teeeeeaaaaaa

Okay.

Dude showed up 35 minutes late. Did not fill out paperwork beforehand.

Said he just came from the gym and hand put it in his schedule wrong.

He was not recently at the gym; he was sweating alcohol. He was on my table DRUNK. DO NOT COME DRUNK TO A MASSAGE.

He didn't sit down in the relaxation lounge that is Right There once he was changed. Instead, he went down the hall and decided the room he was supposed to be in was our wet room. No. Wait for your therapist/service provider to pick you up from the waiting room.

Also, saw the shower in the wet room and asked if he could use it afterwards. No. It's not located in the public facilities, so it is attached to a service, which you are not getting, and I have already told you I don't have extra time. I cannot stay and clean that behind him, even if I had that as an add on option?

Asked him if there was anything to focus on or avoid and he said no.

Walked in on him doing boat pose on the table. This wasn't a Thai massage; he was naked.

After I started working on him, he THEN told me not to work on places I was working on.

Also asked me if he could have his full time back. Again. No. I have to go home. I have a family memorial to be at.

Asked to turn on the table warmer and take off the heavier comforter — fine, acceptable; we have dark sheets that do not let you see through. This is not okay at every location.

Kept trying to interlace fingers while I was working on his hands. Again, pretty sure he was drunk.

Started working on his legs. He spread his legs further apart. This does happen on occasion and is irritating. I need people's legs in a relaxed position so I can work on the muscles. When you V your legs the inside of them are very taught and nothing I do will help relax them.

I reset his legs to | |. Went back to V.

Randomly started stretching as I was working on him. He, again, was naked. The stretching shifted the drape and I saw his whole butt, from top of the crack to his balls. This would not be the last time.

Specifically asked for stretching during his massage, but normally you let the therapist do their job instead of randomly stretching whenever you feel like it??? To prevent just this issue?????

Also the stretch that he did was specifically not conducive to prone position. He essentially turned face up while I was working on his hamstrings. Shockingly, this does not make hamstring massage easier.

Turned him face up and he leaned forward off the table to look and see if there was any water. In the massage room.

When I did turn him face up, he couldn't keep still enough that the crap stayed in place. He would stretch an arm and the drape would shift lower. He'd put his arm back and push the drape with it. And it wasn't like he was trying to expose more skin, because he would pull it in different directions. I frequently went back and adjusted the drap. Probably a solid five minutes of this 45 minute massage was just trying to not see his penis. I saw his penis. Many times.

Started working on the front of his legs, did the stretching thing again. I cannot massage your quads when they are touching your abdomen.

I released his psoas, and then he spent several minutes in a crunch position trying to figure out what his psoas actually was.

Afterwards, I massaged his abdomen, specifically around his diaphragm, and he started helping??? Like, he was also massaging it??? By his ribs??? Why.

When I worked up his ribs, my knuckles popped and he thought it was his ribs and asked me to do it again because it felt good. Not a chiropractor, can't do that, and also, those were my knuckles, you didn't feel anything.

Worked on his chest, he whispered that he didn't like one of the stretches in my ear. 1, that's what you asked for, 2, don't. whisper like that. It's Weird.

Also didn't tell me ahead of time that he had shoulder surgery on one shoulder twice and should've had it on the other. Please tell me about your injuries.

Fully sits up as I am working on his neck and upper shoulders so I could show him where his rhomboids were. Those were the muscles I was currently working on.

Asked me to go back to his legs and do more around his hips and pelvic bowl. Fine, yeah. Asked for a lomi lomi drape (loincloth style) so I could do some runs from the top of his hips around to his glutes. Okay. Crunched up and LOOKED AT ME WHILE I WAS BETWEEN HIS LEGS???? 🫪🫪🫪

Pulled off the drape covering his very soft penis because it just "felt more natural"?????????

(was it soft because he didn't think it was sexual or because he was too drunk to become erect the world will never know)

At this point, I don't know if it's a sex thing — I very firmly tell him that it is not appropriate and he will need to lead the premises if he makes it sexual — or if he's just got zero normal boundaries. Or if he's just still drunk.

If I was sure it wasn't a sex thing, it honestly wouldn't have even been a thing because I'd already seen his penis, like, 18 times.

Finish, get done, meet him with fresh water. His robe is not fully closed. His penis is out for me and the esthetician who is also across the hall to see. He doesn't even notice????

Tries to pay for the massage with me while still in his robe.

Apparently brought, like, $600 in cash?????? I mean, I like cash as much as the next person, but that is unnecessary. Also you pay at the front desk, you don't need to bring it into the room.

Was very apologetic as he was leaving, not for the potential sexual assault but for showing up late.

He did tip well but the whole thing was so off-putting I almost want to burn it just so I don't have skeevy cash. I won't because $60 for emotional damages isn't even enough but I'm definitely using them first.

Sometimes, I'm like "I should make a guide on how to Behave during a spa appointment" but guys it would be to NOT DO EVERYTHING THIS LAST CLIENT DID??????

I need to shower and scrub everything

Sometimes, I'm like "I should make a guide on how to Behave during a spa appointment" but guys it would be to NOT DO EVERYTHING THIS LAST CLIENT DID??????

#traumatized #what the freak #and by that I mean #sir you are a freak and I do not want to touch you again

Turns out, you actually can break an essential oil bottle if you fling it onto concrete hard enough

Me, pointing to places on myself where I see jewelery on the client as I speak: I recommend removing any jewelry or accessories, which can get dirty or damaged on the table.

My client:

#I ACTUALLY POINTED TO MY RINGER FINGER #AND MY EARLOBES #hmmmm how wild but earrings and wedding rings are probably not what she means I guess #committing murder

I sanuk on his iliosacrum until he holy craps.

#describing my job in the worst rest possible

I don't know why I have to tell people that they are still responsible for the appointments they were booked for even if they quit. Like, yeah, you quit an hour before that appointment. That appointment doesn't suddenly disappear and we don't magically get new staff to replace you. Besides, you're not hourly. You're contract. You are still under contractual obligation to provide services for those treatments, even if you're not taking any more.

Never MIND all is forgiven the client from her facial that I took asked me if I was a ballet dancer because it was so artistic and beautiful I am kicking my feet and giggling.

I mean, still cover your dang appointments but

Confessions of a Massage Therapist @massagemusings - Tumblr Blog | Tumgag