Ranchers we have some exciting news about the direction and values we hold near and dear to our hearts here at Ranch Review. To avoid an all out frontal assault from Ranch Review HQ our Ranch Review Experts have agreed to some much needed changes to the office environment.
First and foremost, we will no longer be allowing swords in the office. to go along with that, there will no longer be fights to the death to determine scores for reviews (party poopers I say).
Our biggest change will of course be our content. We here at Ranch Review are very excited to announce that from now on we will be reviewing Ranch Cattle instead of the astronomically important lifeblood of so many Americans, Ranch Dressing.
So Ranchers, since there's no time like what we perceive as present and now, here is our first Cattle Ranch Review! There were some concerns about how we would be rating these Cattle Ranches but rest assured, our rating scale has not changed at all to make this massive change in what we are paid to care about easier on you, the ever important consumer in our capitalistic hellscape of a reality.
Taste - 0/7 Another new first for Ranch Review. Our experts refused to taste these cattle as they are living breathing animals that can and will hurt them.
Color - a perfect 5/7 These lovely boys boast a perfectly brownish blackish coat on their very large bodies.
Smell - 2/7 A low score for sure but an earned one! Anyone who has stood in the middle of a field filled with cows can attest to the smell not being pleasant.
Texture - a surprising golden 5/7 At first our Ranch Review Experts were hesitant to touch these magnificent creatures, but their new handler, Randell, persuaded them easily enough. (Definitely had nothing to do with Randell wielding a sword.) Our Experts reported that they were soft and cozy and "made you want cuddle one I mean just look at his big brown eyes. No one could say no to those."
Atmosphere - a solid 4.5/7 While not quite perfect it was pretty close. Never having been to a Cattle Ranch before, our Experts were unsure of what to expect and found the experience to be rewarding and reshaped their view of the world and their place in it. Sir Dill the 13th added, that "it was pretty cloudy and kind of cold."
Dippableness - 3/7 As everyone knows Cattle are very large boys and tend to not be easy to push around. So our experts found rating their dippableness to be difficult, but they got the job done!
Dressableness - 5/7 With eyes as big and beautiful and brown as these lovely boys have it would be hard to say they can't pull off any look they try.
Overall Ranchyness - 5/7 With this world altering review, our Experts are delighted to experience more in this line of work and can't wait to meet some over beautiful and large boys.
Our Ranch Review Experts have really out done themselves here! With a lovely review, we too are excited for what the future holds for us here at Ranch Review. Perhaps we will get to continue to pursue this soothing idealistic look into Cattle Ranches or maybe we will have another catastrophic event resulting in everything changing for our jobs.
