A New-Found Life @matt-gugel - Tumblr Blog

The excitement of the Kingdom

Two months down, and there are all kinds of things rolling through my mind.

Something is happening; something amazing. I've found that in the past, it seems like the day-to-day is monotonous. It feels like we just kind of chug along, waiting for something incredible to happen. ...but when?

I've read enough books and heard enough stories where people experience audacious, bold, ridiculous things, and then I wonder why I'm not a part of any of that. Why does it feel like I'm just trying to get along?

Well, what if we dreamed more?

I get it, not everyone is like me and wants to dream all day, and if everyone was there would be nobody to make sure people like me got anything done. Yet, I can't help but think that we don't spend enough time realizing what God is doing in the midst of our lives.

When I first was getting to a place that was willing to leave Boston behind, a few people were upset at me for wanting to leave. It didn't necessarily go down well with my roommates, with problems on both sides of the interaction; people were asking tough questions about whether or not I was running because I wasn't getting what I wanted there in that city; it even seemed weird to me that I would leave a city that I loved to move to a city that I thought I would barely visit, let alone live in.

I knew, though, when this whole move was beginning to form that the Lord was in the midst of it. It didn’t make sense for me to move from a dense city to a college town in south AZ. It didn’t make sense that I would leave a good community in order to go where I knew one family, especially when I had done almost the exact same thing only 12 months before. I mean, people do these kind of moves more often than we might be aware, but why in the world would I do that just a year after I had already done it? (Especially when that wasn’t the plan.)

I think this is why it was questioned. I believe it didn’t make logical sense and so people reacted the way they did. Not only that, but it happened so fast that it seemed I was being impulsive. We’re taught that in order to make wise decisions we need to take time and think about them; slow down, it’s going to be better thought through if you take some time.

I don’t disagree, but I do have one question. If we do this only, are we keeping ourselves from the things the Lord wants to do?

I say this because within about 2 or 3 weeks, I went from, “I’m staying faithful to Boston and the life I have been led into here,” all the way to, “I’m leaving at the end of the summer to move back to AZ.” When I made that decision in an attempt to be faithful to the Lord, I had no idea where I was going next. All I knew at the time was that I was going back to AZ, and that was enough for me to step out and make the commitment.

From there, I saw how the Lord reminded me of a conversation that was had before I made the commitment. That conversation caused me to look to a place where I believed they would give me the opportunities I needed to prepare for ministry. It turns out that this is where I needed to be, and I wouldn’t have traded this option for anything else.

From there I was given immense amounts of opportunity to step in and be seen as full-time staff. I learned more about ministry in the first month or so than I have in years in ministry volunteering. Turns out I had heard the Lord and simply willingly responded. Yet, it doesn’t even end there!

When I came, Pantano staff knew that I was looking to plant in Phoenix. My supervisor, Becki, from the very beginning planned to prepare me for that very task. Because of that, I went to a church-planting conference (Exponential West), and I immediately meet all of these people who want to help me plant in Phoenix. Seriously, I was blown away at how many people were excited for me and wanted to do anything they could to help me.

From there I come home to be given a new vision for the coming years: 15 churches in 15 years in the Phoenix area. With that, I begin to make connections with two different church-planting organizations that are willing to help with the vision. I’ve had conversations with people who I want to come along and seeing them willing to think through the vision and even possibly end up stepping in. I’ve got people who are baffled when I tell them the vision, and yet willing to be a part of the conversation. I’ve even got plans that will help me get connected to the city of Phoenix in the coming months so I will be better prepared for the actually planting to happen next year!

What is happening??

I stepped in to the story. This story is messy, confusing, and sometimes draining, but I’ve never been so excited about the story I’m in than I am right now.

I say all this not to say I’m something special. It’s not that the Lord is doing something greater through me than through anyone else. All I’m saying is that I’ve finally learned to step into the story. I’ve finally given myself to a mentality that says I’m willing to be uncomfortable for the sake of the kingdom of God. I’ve finally gone farther than just stating my availability in God’s work, but asking how I can act in faithfulness.

God is doing something amazing with all of his people, but do we really want to step in? I think we’re too comfortable; too willing to simply be how we are right now. I don’t want to live like that anymore.

This kind of life is hard, messy, and full of uncertainty. It’s mildly terrifying all the time to live like this, but I promise you it’s the most fun I’ve ever had in my life. This kind of fun is not just for me; I believe it’s for all of God’s children.

Do it! Step in. Make yourself available. I promise you won’t regret a second of it.

It’s not a lack of leaders, but of training.

There has been a long-enduring thought in my mind about leadership coming from men in the church. I had my time where this was extremely important to me and all I could do was talk about it. Why aren’t there men stepping up in the church?

It’s not that I’m against women in leadership. This has been a huge conversation over the last few years about allowing women into pastoral roles in the church. I have my very nuanced view of that, and I think it’s important to discuss that, but that’s not what I want to talk about.

Guys. Where are the guys? Why are we seeing such a lack of numbers of growth in males as opposed to females? I’ve chocked this up to American culture for years. I’ve said that because America is emasculating men, and really you might possibly be able to say that about a lot of the world, we see a lack of male leadership both in the church and in culture.

This morning, though, I had a new thought.

Currently, I’m reading a book about discipleship by Jim Putman and Bobby Harrington (Dischipleshift). While reading it this morning, Jim says something very profound about pastors complaining about the leaders in their churches. He counters this thought that many have by simply saying there are probably many leaders already in your church, they’re just not being discipled and trained in order to take on such roles.

Boom! My brain immediately explodes to men vs. women stepping up into leadership; even simply talking about spiritual maturity is affected by this thought! What if we’re seeing more growth in women because women are more likely to share life together?

Seriously, though. In American culture, is it really ok for guys to share life? Well, I can say that I’ve noticed the trends changing in the cities that I’ve lived in. Maybe they’re changing because Millennial males are tired of being emotionally rejected? But that’s not happening everywhere. My thought is that there are two kinds of men in America: 1) the classic American male that doesn’t know how to share himself, loves sports and woodworking, beer, and anything where they can grunt and throw themselves fully into something “manly”, or 2) really artistic, super emotional, doesn’t like anything regarding physical labor, and is super into fashion.

Ok, so I’m painting really broad strokes, and I realize that might offend some people, but I’m simply asking the question. There are lots of men that I’ve found that can fit in the middle of that, but not enough.

I’m doing this to say that, from my experience, guys who are willing to go grab some coffee, or even a beer or something, and engage in life with one another instead of just shooting the breeze, are often able to grow and become more. So, with new trends of guys who are willingly engaging with one another, why would there be a lack of leaders?

It’s Millennials who are doing this with each other, not with men who are older and have more experience in life. Not even older, just men who have gained emotional maturity. Women, on the other hand, seem to me to be very able to emotionally connect with older women. They want to share life; it’s more natural to them!

What if we’re seeing a lack of leaders who are men in the church because there aren’t as many guys who are willing to look down to the younger generations and do life with them? A lot of them still buy into the mentality that showing emotion is weak and so they refuse to engage with these younger men in ways that can help them.

It’s not emasculating to be in touch with your emotions! It’s normal. It’s natural. We were meant to do it!

What if men decided to start sharing life with younger men? What would happen if men took the initiative women take to seek out older men? It’s a lot more common for men to shut down younger men, and I think that perpetuates the cycle. It’s not that men are trying to be cold, they just don’t know how to be open like women do..

I don’t really know what to say to all of that, because we can’t just snap our fingers and watch guys change the way they are. But one thing seems to be happening with Millennial males: they are desperately craving emotional attention and nurturing. Maybe this means that, for now, women might have to step in and take a spiritual mothering for younger guys; at least until older men begin to realize there is need for life-on-life interaction with younger men.

I don’t think women can do the job for men, but maybe it’s their supplementing for these younger men that will help kickstart them into leadership. Maybe none of this will work, either. Maybe these thoughts are simply some passing through as I’m trying to figure out how to get guys re-engaged for the sake of stepping up and balancing out the leadership seen in churches.

This is a new thought and a work in progress, and it’s going to take conversation to determine what might be the best next step. What do you think? Will you engage with me in this conversation?

What a blur it’s been.

Six weeks in.

I have to say, that’s not too surprising when I look back and realize all that’s happened in the last month and a half, but it’s gone by so fast. Every week it seems I get slammed with so much to do, and every week I both love it and hate it. I hate it because it pushes me so hard for most of the week (and I don’t even have any supporting job yet so I can actually pay bills...), but I love it because I wouldn’t choose anything else.

I have to admit to all of you as you keep up with this residency, I’m finding myself more and more terrified. Seriously, even though this is what I love doing, I know that when dreams become reality they often don’t go the same way they did in your head. Ministry isn’t always what it seems, and that’s ok. That’s not even really what’s scaring me half-to-death, anyways. What’s striking fear deep into my very core is one very thing in particular: planting a church is not actually just something I’m dreaming about anymore.

I think I’m going to be planting in Phoenix sooner than I realize.

Now, some of you may know this and some may not, but I’ve been dreaming about planting a church in Phoenix for the last 3 or so years. When you dream, it’s amazing! Everything goes a specific way, you see all the good things and none of the bad things that might happen, life is just peachy... And then it hits you.

The dream is slowly dissipating and it’s becoming a reality.

This last week I got the privilege of attending Exponential West 2015; a church-planting conference. During these few days, I began to be introduced to certain ways of planting and looking at what it means to bring the gospel to a place. I made contacts with people who want to help me plant. I learned to dream bigger than I’ve ever dreamed before. The week was incredible!

You know what sucks about all of that? I can’t hide in the dreams anymore. People now know me, and they’re expecting me, on some level, to begin this process. Even my supervisor here at Pantano knows that we’re going to be starting a conversation about me planting from them here in the near future.

What am I getting myself into?! Why do I insist on making my life risky?

I believe it’s because God has a bigger story, and I’m only beginning to step into it. Something that happened with dreaming about it this last week is that God has been trying to make it clear I’m thinking too small. My vision was simply to church plant. Maybe I would do it again some years later, but I was just thinking about a church in a specific place. What I didn’t realize is that God wants the whole city of Phoenix, not just my measly desire for a church in the middle of the city! With that I asked the question: what is your vision, God?

Lo and behold, I believe God responded with something gigantic. He took what I thought was a vision for my future career and turned it into a vision that wasn’t necessarily concerned with how I would end up but rather how it would reach the whole city of Phoenix. It’s not about me being known as a pastor, it’s about the kingdom of God advancing in a place that needs to be reached!

15 churches in 15 years.

Now, that could be wrong, and I could be making it up that God said this to me. I believe, though, that this is the vision God has for the city of Phoenix that I get to be a part of. This doesn’t even include anyone else who might be adding to this at some point. Is there room for change? Yes there is. But, I’m also fairly positive that this is what God is leading me into; something so much larger than me that there is no way I’m going to be able to fill it. Not even with an amazing staff by my side.

In this week, God has asked me to put aside myself and step into his story. I didn’t even realize how much of myself was still in the way, and I still have some that hasn’t been taken out of the way.

How is this even going to work?! I have no idea. What I do know is there is a call to come take part in the story, and I’m tired of ignoring it because it’s uncomfortable. I’m tired of avoiding huge risks because it’s not safe or there’s a possibility of rejection. I’m over making excuses to get in the game!

I’m writing this at 0:30 because I can’t sleep, and I can’t sleep because I feel it deep in my bones to take part in the adventure that I’ve been invited into and I haven’t stepped in yet... I’ve been making excuses and turning to old, nasty habits because they’re more comfortable than free-falling into the unknown with God. I think it’s time to stop.

I want to step into the adventure! I don’t want to sit in the corner anymore and stick with comfort! It’s time to jump a little bit higher cliff than I have already, and I know it will be the most exhilarating experience I will every have; an experience that will last the rest of my life.

Will you think about stepping off the cliff with me? I hear the secret is to not think too much before making the plunge.

Three weeks down.

I just finished my third week in my residency and I couldn't be any more excited about the things that are going on here and the opportunity I'm getting. Today was the first ever chance I got to preach, and I believe the Lord worked in really awesome ways. Honestly, this confirmed today that preaching and teaching is something that I have been built for. I say this because all of my life things have come naturally to me, and so it may not be a huge surprise that getting in front of a group of people to talk about something is natural as well, yet there's something different here. From the time I was a kid I believe the Lord has been telling me that he was going to use me in big ways. Did I realize it all the time? No, not really. And when I did realize it, I spent the time thinking through what that might look like imagining myself being famous! ... Yeah, I know. Real humble for the future pastor to be thinking that he was going to be famous, or as Mike Pilovachi once put it, a "minor Christian celebrity". The reason I say all of this is not because I believe I got up on stage in front of a bunch of high schoolers for the first opportunity to preach ever and nailed it. Did I do well? Yes, and I was really happy about how the whole thing went down, but that doesn't mean that I should believe this is what the Lord has for me. The reason I say with confidence that preaching and teaching was a major thing that God has been grooming me for is because of one thing: my attitude. Like I said, all my life I have done very well at pretty much everything that I've done. Yet there, on the stage, proclaiming God's truth, I finally found excitement. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited about a lot of things, but I've never felt so much joy and satisfaction, not to mention a desire to work hard to do well, ever. When things tend to come naturally, you tend not to work as hard unless you really love what you're doing. Nothing has ever brought me to work so hard and clean up all the rough edges. I've never felt so alive from something that I've invested into as a life work. I've been in a church culture where whoever preaches gets off the stage and feels horrible, like they've screwed everything up. I actually thought this had to be the case at some point! But it's not! I feel the Lord with me in this, and I can't wait to see how I will get to take part in ministry of God's people for the rest of my life. I say all this to finally get to this point: I'm so thankful for this church. I've never been in a place where the staff is so willing to encourage and give opportunity for people to take part in ministry, and I hope to do the same for everyone I will lead for the rest of my life.

Week 1

So here I am, a little over a week in, and I honestly can’t be more excited about what is happening. I’ve been given opportunity to sit in on major meetings with leadership, I’ve been given opportunity to jump right into ministry as a leader, and I’ve been treated as a partner in the ministry that is occurring at the church. Wow! They’ve even clarified for me that this is not an internship, but a residency. I’m officially a pastor in training, and the title is simply a reflection of how I have been treated in only one week.

On Tuesday of last week, I sat in on my first teaching team meeting. Now, to give all the details. The only person I have known longer than a day in the room was my family friend, Roger, who had originally invited me into this program in the first place. Glenn, the lead pastor, has given everyone in the room a copy of the sermon for the coming weekend, and at this point I’ve known Glenn for a total of maybe 6 hours. In this meeting, I had just as much opportunity as everyone else to give feedback and constructive criticism of the sermon for the coming weekend.

Seriously?!

Now, I’m not saying that I’ll be saying things to drastically change his sermon, because I’m just one voice amidst a group of people who have more experience in this than I do, but he listened. Even if he doesn’t take any of my critique or suggestions, he listened. He listened. He listened to a young guy who he only met a few hours before. He listened!

Out of all the stories from the week, I point this out not because it’s necessarily unique, but because this has been my experience all week. I’ve never had so much opportunity in a church. I’ve never been looked at within hours of meeting people and having them ask what I want to do. Honestly, I can’t even tell people specifics because I’ve not been asked such risky questions.

With all of this, I will also say that I’m doing a lot of different things. I’m basically already full time in ministry in this residency, which is exactly what I want to do. The Lord has brought me here for a reason, and I can see why I’ve heard him say to me so blatantly before coming out here that I am going to be completely different after this year. I can tell I will grow so much and I will be a much more prepared man for ministry in the future!

I want to give as much time as I can to this next year in ministry. I want to be able to invest everything I can to learn everything the Lord can teach me through these people. The good news besides everything I’ve already said is this: I have been able to pay for the next year. A check came to me from Gordon-Conwell giving me the rest of my loan money from the last year, and it covered my cost of this residency! Yes, God is amazing and has been in this the whole time! He wants me here, and I can see just a glimpse of the beauty of it all.

Because God is in the midst of this, I believe he is doing something alongside all of this. I am currently about $35,000 in debt, I have less than $2,000 in savings, payments start for my loans in November, and I only have two days a week to work (which, even if I work both of those days with a good hourly, I will be working 7 days a week just making ends meat for normal monthly expenses). Now, with all of this I feel the Lord is leading me to pray an extremely big prayer: to have all of my debt paid off by Christmas 2015.

Why do I say all of this? I believe God does the impossible. I believe that he often makes situations more impossible for the sake of showing how big he is (which happened when I found I had even less time a week to work a job than I had originally planned on). And I believe that God often shows his work to his people with enough sense that it’s going to happen even if we don’t know how at the time. I also say all of this simply to put it out in the open. I sense God is doing this, and the only reason I’m even praying this type of prayer is because I believe the Lord is doing this before I’m even asking for it! Not only this, but I once had a friend make a comment that we might need to learn how to pray bigger prayers, not smaller ones.

So here I am, praying one of the biggest prayers I’ve ever prayed. So this is all I will say for anyone reading this: I’m not asking for anything from you. If you would like to pray with me, then I will greatly appreciate others praying for this to happen as well. If there’s something else you feel led to do, then may you be obedient to that. What I do believe, almost completely, is that the Lord is going to do this very thing: taking care of my debt by Christmas. I don’t know how, but I trust that he has been doing this long before I even began to think about praying for such things.

I am being faithful to the very call to come to Tucson and do this residency, and I believe that God will take care of what I need in order to learn. This is what I believe he’s doing, and I’m excited to see him do this!

It’s Almost Here

For those of you who have received a support letter from me and are checking in on the updates of my internship in Tucson, here’s the first. For those of you just joining the conversation, I’m on my way down to Tucson, AZ, for an internship in a church called Pantano Christian Church. (Feel free to message me on the deets if you care to know.)

Sunday is the day. On Sunday I’ll have been 2 weeks out of Boston and officially beginning my work the next day. I know very little of what this is actually going to look like until I’m in it, so really this is mostly a venting of my emotions leading up to it.

People keep asking me, “Are you excited?!” Yes, I’m extremely excited. What I don’t know how to express in those moments, however, is how terrified I am. When I say I’m nervous, people usually respond with, “You’ll be fine, don’t worry about it.” Do I think they’re right? Yeah, for the most part. What that response doesn’t allow for, though, is an explanation for those nerves. My fear isn’t really from failing, it’s from the responsibility.

The last week has brought one major aspect to this fear into an enormously obvious place in my purview: I am going to be responsible for the lives of other people. That information is not new to me, I’ve been thinking about it for years. The difference between now and all those other times is the fact that I will actually be faced with other human beings. What happens when I’m in a place of authority and people start asking tough questions? Whether I like it or not, many will not question the very advice and wisdom I will try to give. It’s not that I think I’ll be giving terrible advice or faulty wisdom (or, really hope that I won’t...), but it’s healthy for people to question those who offer up advice to them. People might take every word as gospel, and it’s not. I don’t necessarily want the responsibility of people’s souls. I don’t necessarily want to feel this weight of leadership. What if I’m not ready? What if I don’t love the people well in my work? What if, what if, what if...?

These are the kinds of fear that haunt me. These are the thoughts that invade my heart and soul leading up to this new adventure I’m heading into. The weight of it all seems to be so immense.

Do I trust in the leading of the Holy Spirit? Yes. Do I trust that I will be given the grace to handle the challenges? Yes. That doesn’t make the fear invalid, nor does it make it go away; my fear is valid, and actually I think my fear is healthy.

If there is anything to leadership that I’ve learned, especially in the church, it’s that fear for the sake of other people in your mistakes is what makes you a great leader. Without fear, I’m either an arrogant jerk who takes no consideration of others’ thoughts and feelings, or I’m insecure and constantly bugging other people to take on things (which probably wouldn’t have led to leadership in the first place).

I know I talk about fear a lot in this blog, but it honestly is one of the most shaping things I experience. The Lord uses this fear as a huge barometer for whether or not I’m doing things for the right reasons. A long time ago, a major reason why I wanted to preach and teach was because I wanted to be seen as this amazing leader in the church (even though ultimately it was God’s leading that brought the thought about). What do I think of myself preaching and teaching now, even though I have yet to have the opportunity to do it? I think it’s one of the most consistently terrifying things I will have to do in my role in the church. This isn’t something that drives me away from it; I know that God has that for me in the future. That fear is a respect for the people and the role God will entrust to me, and I hope it never goes away.

I will be responsible for the lives of others. I’m not ready for that! I don’t think I’ll ever be ready for that, and I’m glad that’s the case. If I did think I was ready, I would be sorely mistaken when the first people get hurt. I know I’m just human, I know I’m going to hurt people, and I know that any effort I put forth without the Lord will fail in some manner (even if it looks like it succeeded). That is one of the biggest gifts I could’ve ever been given as one stepping into the role of ministry in a church, and I hope I never forget that.

She's done me well so far... Thankfully we've made it through Kansas and we've got the final stretch back to Phoenix tomorrow. Don't fail me now, Ava. #roadtrippin #ava

#ava #roadtrippin

Is there something deeper than racism?

So far, with all the different sides to the racism debate, I have had very little to say. There are videos going around to help one side or another, so many seem to be convincing and helping people navigate through it (if they are paying attention). This is not a cut-and-dry type of debate, and there are so many facets involved, it’s really a wonder anyone can keep track of all the different views and opinions on how to approach the problem.

Dare I add another, then?

My issue with the entire debate is this: we focus on the problem being centered around skin color. Yes, skin color is a huge portion of the race debate (obviously), but what have we assumed in the process? We’ve assumed that just because this person’s skin color is like mine we have a similar understanding of culture, and, at the same time, because that person’s skin color is different they understand culture differently (i.e. “wrong”).

You know what’s wrong with that picture? We assume race is the very central foundation to an experience in culture (in the same way the homosexual debate goes when it comes to pro-gay or anti-gay). My response is not to say this isn’t present, because it certainly is, but to say that we must expand what it means to understand a person culturally.

Tell me, is it possible for me, as a white man, to understand a white man living in Michigan when I myself have never lived in Michigan? No. If I did, I would have at least have had experience living as a white man in Michigan for a period of time. Actually, I probably understand better what it might mean to be a black man in Arizona because that’s where I grew up. Does that mean I fully understand what that entails? No, but I know it better than being a white man in Michigan.

Not only does location in the country play a part in culture, but from one city to the next the cultural differences may expound! Yes, race plays a major part in all of this, just like gender, sexual orientation, likes, dislikes, hobbies, family situations, living situations, and so on and so forth. So please, convince me that we get each other because we have the same skin tone. Please, convince me that we get each other because we both call ourselves Christians!

You won't!

You won’t convince me because it’s not possible. Sure, I might fall into the trap of thinking that every Christian gets every other Christian, or every black person, white person, Asian, or Native American get each other because they share a common family line. Last time I checked, each of those categories encompasses many smaller categories that have simply been lumped together. Last time I checked, many of us in America don’t even actually have ties to our bloodlines, which makes looking at races a whole lot different again.

I think the solution is simple in concept, even though it will be one of the hardest things we do as people. Remember that your ethnic background is only a part of your cultural identity. That doesn’t mean ignore the race issues. That doesn’t mean I put aside the fact that I do have white privilege as a man in this country. It also doesn’t mean I can lord myself over people. It also doesn’t mean that any cultural experience beside my own is inferior or superior. Our cultural experiences shape who we are as people, and in order to know someone well we must delve into all aspects of their cultural experience. Without that, I may never even know my family even if I’ve been around them my whole life.

We can’t just boil these problems down to race or sexual identity, gender or age. Every human being has a right to be heard on every level, so we have a responsibility to hear every person on every level. Listen to it all, because only then will we truly know who someone is.

Dying to self is a necessary part of becoming more like Jesus, and sometimes dying to self means starting a new chapter all over again. I can't believe that the time in Boston was as short as it was, but I do believe the next chapter In Tucson is going to be a place where the Lord does a huge amount of work on me. I'm terrified.. But since when is dying to self an easy thing? While my time in Boston isn't quite over, I still find myself wondering at what's next. Fear; feeling helpless; excitement for opportunity. I don't really know what's going to happen, but I trust my God. If you want to hear more about my transition, hit me up. I'll tell you all about how crazy the Christian God is. (at New Ink Central)

A Different Kind of Fear

As I’m reflecting over the coming months and what I believe is to come in them, I realize there is something creeping up on me: fear. This isn’t totally strange or out of the blue, I had similar feelings when I was moving to both Southern California 5 years ago and Boston a year ago. Fear is just a part of moving. Things change. Life is different. New people. New environment. New everything.

There’s something different about the fear in this that I’ve never realized before. Maybe it has something to do with a new opportunity that I’ve been waiting for and it almost seems too good to be true now that I have it. Maybe it’s the fact that I’m actually moving closer to where I grew up than I have in the last two moves. Maybe this is simply me realizing there is excitement in the fear itself. None of those seem to fit, though. None of that can actually capture what is going on in my heart.

What if the fear that I’m feeling isn't actually fear?

When we come to situations that are unknown and unlike anything we’ve experienced, more than likely I think we will find some type of fear in us. But what if sometimes that isn’t fear? What if sometimes there is something deeper going on that makes us so uncomfortable in a way we don’t even realize or like to admit that we aren’t actually scared? Or, at least not the type of scared to run away.

What if there is a whole other category to fear that gets back to the roots of a complex emotion. This thing deep inside that is screaming out warning signs in an attempt to have us run away from the very person or place in front of us that lacks giving us control, we call that fear. Yet, this is not fear that necessarily causes us to turn and run, but it causes us to stand still completely void of breath in our lungs.

I think there is another name for this fear: wonder.

When you walk up to a place like the Grand Canyon and stare out over the edge of it into the huge pit beneath. It’s terrifying, yet so beautiful. There’s so much involved in looking out into the expanse of both feeling so small and yet being taken aback because of the colors and life that is occurring that your breath seems to escape your lungs. That’s wonder.

And that very wonder is the type of fear that is beginning to fill my life. I’m finding that more and more often I am overwhelmed by the very things that are going on around me. In learning to let go of the control that wasn’t actually there in the first place, I’m caught breathless in the things that I read and observe. Something as simple as the very strength that is carried in a good father as he paints a picture for his children as to why they should be getting along. Watching a person in their confidence carry themselves in a manner that is both authoritative and yet inviting. Watching a dog play endlessly purely for the joy of enjoying the grass and trees and the ball that’s being thrown for him. There is something wonderful about the small things in life, and the more that I find myself noticing them the bigger the wonder becomes.

As this sense of wonder overwhelms me, I then think mostly of my move to Arizona. I tell people how I am nervous, and yet this is the first I am truly able to put words to the very nerves and fear that I am feeling. I’m not scared because I think something is going to go wrong; quite the opposite, actually. I’m scared because I see the next step in the story that I have been living out on a journey to becoming a stronger man of God and leader of his people. I’m scared because the opportunity I’ve been pining for is now in front of me. I’m scared because before I know it, I’m going to be a completely different person, but I believe that person will be more loving, kind, gracious, gentle, strong, courageous, and somebody whom people will be willing to follow than I ever have been before. I’m scared because I know the Lord is up to something, and once I head in I will never come out the same.

This is not a fear that lends to running. It is a fear that drives home a need to die to self, to put aside the things that I have tried to take up myself, and to watch in wonder as God does something miraculous to make me more like him. I am caught in awe in the whole process, and I can’t wait to see what I come out looking like.

Project #2 on the way. #AncientInspiration #woodburning #reclaimedwood #VSCOcam #snapseed #instagram @instagood #instagood (at 615)

#instagram #woodburning #instagood #ancientinspiration #2 #vscocam #reclaimedwood #snapseed

I'm really excited to say my shop is up on Etsy. This is only the first piece, but I hope for there to be plenty more pieces with a similar feel to them in the near future. Be on the lookout for those at Ancient Inspiration on Etsy. The link to it is in my profile. #liveauthentic #livefolk @folkmagazine @buyfolk @instagram #instagram #reclaimedwood #woodburning #freehand

#instagram #woodburning #livefolk #liveauthentic #freehand #reclaimedwood

Trying to get creative with some long exposure stuff. In the meantime, what up people?? #✌🏾 #VSCOcam #snapseed #instagram (at 615)

#vscocam #✌🏾#snapseed #instagram

Got to hear a bit about @blackbirddoughnuts' idea for wedding catering. Personally, I think they're gonna kill it. #blackbirddonuts #snapseed #liveauthentic #VSCOcam

#blackbirddonuts #liveauthentic #snapseed #vscocam

Got into the shop today to get some final work done in preparation of launching my Etsy shop: AncientInspiration. Be on the lookout for my work, I think you'll like what I'm doing. #AncientInspiration #VSCOcam #snapseed #folkmagazine #instagram #reclaimedwood (at The Shop)

#instagram #folkmagazine #ancientinspiration #snapseed #vscocam #reclaimedwood

Today was the last day I went up to campus, so I decided to take the backroads of the north shore to get there. Funny how I never would have thought myself to be here, yet it was this very school that got me here in the first place. Even if I never go back there, I will be thankful for God's using it to bring me here where I need to be. #VSCOcam #snapseed #igboston (at Beverly, Massachusetts)

#igboston #vscocam #snapseed

Because school ends and this is no longer for a grade, I hope Greek becomes a love of mine. (at Gulu-Gulu Cafe)

Trending Blogs

Recently Viewed Blogs

A New-Found Life