Am I a burden? A flaw? Does my presence do more bad than good? Am I broken? The shell of what could but never will be. A husk of a bright child who never failed to make you smile. A memory of that smart kid that didn't need to try to succeed.
But school went from abc's to please help me's. It went from defining a living being to realizing I'm barely meeting the criteria. From screams of joy to tears of grief...
And then...when I first met her I thought my world became brighter and my nights impossibly lighter. But even she turned out to be a mystery I shouldn't have discovered. From butterflies to anxious maggots. Anticipation became fear... Laughter was rare and happiness scarce. When she finally put me from one misery into the next and left I was already broken... Soon after I found another yet...
It seemed that she took a part of me with her, for I was not able to love him as I have loved her. Be it because I already knew deep down the person he truly was.. But despite that I had fun. He distracted me from the dreadfulness of my days.. All up to the point when he didn't. Comfort was rare and my main emotions became worry laced fears.. I had to end it.. Would I not have, I don't know where I'd be.
Time passed and I went from feeling empty to getting by. Healing. And then. Then there was her. It was unexpected, pure fate I'd say. I believed in love at first sight but never thought I would be lucky enough to experience let alone end up keeping it. It almost seemed too good to be true. Almost. Too new, too foreign it was to me to feel loved, trully loved for who you are. And it was at first, although new, as it should be.
The so called "honeymoon phase" was as sweet as mead. I was afraid that once it ended things would rapidly decline but to my delight that didn't happen. We had our fair share of arguments of course but we fixed those and moved on.. So I'd at least like to hope. But no matter the phase or the seasons, loving you. Loving you was never hard. It was and still is simple. Simple and freeing as a river in its bed. I've never known this. Never knew true love. So it surprised me when the fear set in and made its home in my heart.. The fear that I'll lose you. The fear I won't be good enough that I won't be able to give to you all that you deserve. That I'll say or do something wrong and drive you away. It was worse than anything I've ever felt before.
Well.. Until that one moment when my heart sank... It isn't easy for me to cry yet all it took was one small look and everything fell apart.. If I was overreacting I don't know.. Was I at fault for letting my heart shatter? Maybe.. But it'll heal. It always does. It will take time for the consequential anxieties to ease and the fears to lessen but they will. Despite that. Loving you will always be simple. Because you could tear me apart piece by piece until all that remained was my heart which would still beat for you. Still as strong as the day we met.
It's because of you that I know. To love is not just that. It's to fear, to worry, to laugh and squeal. It's all of that and more and it's all just because of you.. It's all just for you. I love you. I love you I always will. If I tried to explain just why that is I'd run out of pages and words to describe it. The wouldn't be enough hours in a day and weeks in a month to finish it.
To circle now, all the way to the beginning.. My worries and my fears are not here because of you. They've gathered throughout my life.. The only reason they're appearing now is.. Well.. You're the one person I sincerely care about.. The one I love and the one I couldn't live without.
April 19th, 2022. I wrote this then... It is now June 29th, 2022. She broke up with me after 1 year and 13 days. 13 days after our anniversary she proved thag all of those fears I had were not out of the blue. History repeats and I was a fool enough to believe that this time it would be different.
-I've returned from the dead with some quite personal writing-
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