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One Weekend

I knew that this weekend was something that could easily have been overwhelming, but it made me realize in what things I find my joy. If I just list 3 things, I could say 1. Food 2. Friends 3. Church. Starting from an align where I was able to spend one last align with such a caring and loving leader like Shabu Jen and hearing my brother Andrew give his testimony, all the way to the hectic events of Brother's Appreciation, everything was a blur, but a blast. I like being in the comfort of my home (sometimes maybe too much), but I remember why I love spending time with people. It not only emboldens the bridges that connect my relationships, but also nurtures the soul. Align was not in the least bit what I expected because of the sheer goodness in the things that came out of it. Through just the praise and prayer and hearing people speak, I recalled why Cornerstone was so appealing to me. How everyone is so comfortable with each other and even though the church is huge, it's still almost cozy because of that vibe. It's as though people care a lot about just getting to know one another and that is a priceless virtue. Also spending time with friends, eating burgers late into the night and having unexpected talks were all uplifting experiences. (mostly just the burgers. Ha yum.) The next day was full of chaos, yet joy. I meant to sleep til like 11 because Saturdays are like the only days I can sleep in, but I hear a familiar voice that suggests we go morning ball. Eddie came around to tell everyone to go ball. After that, I had a nice lunch with Allie, and I was able to satisfy a craving for soondooboo. It was fantastic. But I think what was even greater was just the conversation that came out of all of it. It sure is a blessing to have a sister like her around. After that came the one and only Mr. KSA event. What a crazy experience. But I did it for the fans. Lol. I came into it, without much practice and didn't really expect to win. I was just doing it because of a favor and didn't really mind performing a song or two on stage. But oh it is frightening being up there. I couldn't even manage to walk all the way down the runway for two of the outfits. Oops. And when I started singing the first song, I thought my heart was going to burst. But good thing Max was there to help me out or else I probably would've cracked under the pressure. Thanks buddy. And singing She was mine (haha) and Man in the Mirror was definitely not an easy task, but it all worked out in the end. I feel a little bit bad about winning because I feel like I didn't prepare nearly as much as some of the other guys, but it is what it is I guess. And being able to pig out with bonch and pizza was a big plus. And as a closer to this eventful weekend, came church, more ball, and Brother's. Hearing Pastor Bill preach about nature and the soul was very refreshing. 2 Corinthians 5:17 - "Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come." And as always, looking forward to the events of Brother's Appreciation and how the girls always seem to find ways to make fun of us is always a blast. Seeing the sheer amount of effort they put into everything really shows how much they care about the brothers and if that isn't touching then I don't know what is. I'm so grateful for the sisters that we have in our community because although they're sometimes mean and annoying, they are deep down, very thoughtful and loving. The events of the weekend really made me think about what life and college is all about. College is the time for one to make mistakes, to find what they enjoy doing, and have fun, while at the same time, doing well in one's studies. The perfect balance is that ultimate goal. Obviously it's much easier said than done. But these past 2 years I was always so focused on what I could do to further my career/future, whilst neglecting all of the blessings around me. But just being so busy and having so much fun while doing these random things this past weekend was really a true blessing and I couldn't thank God more for the encouragement. Thank you BU Cornerstone community for being my rock, Cornerstone for being my teacher and foundation, and friends for caring so much for a guy like me.

This was a long one. TL/DR version: Epic weekend with lots of fun and learning leads to lesson about #yolo basically.

The Goodness of Friendship

I've always considered myself one to not have many friends, but to treasure a few select close relationships. Whether it was simply the amount of time I've known someone, or just how well I've hit it off with a person, there were always different paths to the same result. But that result entails a level of trust and faith in that relationship. However, I've come to realize how quickly I've come to change in my mindset of what a friendship is and my trust in people. Having Shay and Joon over made me realize how vulnerable one needs to be in order for two to connect with each other. I've always thought of myself as a listener and not really a talker when it comes to relationships. People tell me their needs and whatever they want to tell me, while I give them either what they want to hear or what they need to hear, depending on the situation. But not once did I really think of offering a piece of my life to share.

All in all, I've come to give people the benefit of the doubt and assume that they're good natured. I'm very trusting, yet at the same time, I don't really share my thoughts or my issues with just anybody. I'm easy to read, but hard to break. Often, I'm stubborn and unyielding to those that I don't want to talk to. Yet, I've come to realize that it's selfish and almost bashful to think that I can handle it all on my own. It's a reflection of my own heart. I always struggled with going off on my own and not accepting any sort of help from those that offered, and it continues to bleed into my relationships. But there was something about today that allowed me to see past all of that for once. I don't know if it was because of the people that were over or if it was just a flick of a switch that God pressed in my brain, but everything was so much clearer. I can see how relationships are truly two-ways and why God had placed certain people in my life. There are reasons for the way that he organized my family here in Boston and it all follows his grand plan. It's just that for so long I've gone on my own path that I've forgotten what God wants for me. It's like i've ignored all of the blessings that he's been giving me right at my toes because I'm too occupied with looking into my own selfish heart. Now I have a greater understanding for each and every person in my life, whether they're the closest to me and know the most about me, or don't know much about me at all, as well as the role that they play in my walk with God. And lastly, what I can do to foster each of the relationships into something God-breathed.

The Money Driven Life

I've been thinking about why money is so attractive lately. From the appeal of the bills themselves to the actual things that they can buy. The whole range of possibilities is seemingly endless. There isn't a place in the world, besides the uncivilized, where money is useless. Which leads to the conclusion that there are reasons why stereotypes like "there's nothing that money can't buy" and "Money: the root of all evil" exist. Yet, there was also a time where money didn't even exist, which is fascinating to think about. But in this socioeconomic society that we live in today, money seems to encapsulate all aspects of status into one. If you're wealthy, you have some recognizable status in society, you have associates or acquaintances that are of equal stature, and people respect you. But at the same time, there is a possibility for the not as wealthy people to make a difference in the world as well, which makes this earth such an enthralling place.

Of course money is important, it's something that keeps society going. It's almost necessary in the modern world that we live in, but the amount is always such a delicate topic. What is a minimum amount that could support a family happily? There are few things in the world that come with such certainty and money is definitely one of them. It is valuable. But it also reminds me of the message given last week or a few weeks ago about the woman who gave her two copper coins, which was everything that she had. The amount of trust and faith she placed in God literally was everything. What a level of faith and trust.

So then I come to the staggering situation that I'm in. Money had always been tight and never seemed accumulate in my family. Even after my sister moved out and started working, she still needed help from my parents. And well me, I'm completely dependent on my parents. I like to think that I'm cool, mature, and independent when in reality I'm still a young boy lost in a dog eat dog world. My thinking is naïve and my immaturity causes more harm than good. However, I always see small glimpses of God's love through my father, whom I will always look up to. In korean he always says, "Happiness should be your goal. Once you find happiness, money will simply be a byproduct." And he goes on to say, "I know I don't make much money and I'm sorry for that, but I come home everyday to a family that I love and that's enough for me." I want to tell him that he should not at all be sorry for something like that. If anything, it's something I should say thank you for every single day of my life. Just the sheer effort he puts into his work is overwhelming, I can tell even when I'm just watching him work. Which is so reassuring to me. If one day I don't make too much money and live very humbly, as long as I love God and my family, I'll be okay. Having that faith and trust in Him will bring about good, but it all starts with me and my weak, young heart.

A man does not call a line crooked unless he has some idea of a straight line. - C.S. Lewis

I don't know what to make of the past month. It's a blur. At times I felt like nothing could stop me, yet mere moments later, I felt like my world was falling apart. As I see the cursor wink at me and listen to the thoughts running through my mind, I can't help but to continue questioning my decisions. Have I run into something that causes me to push myself down and results in disappointing myself? Or am I simply making something out of nothing. I almost feel as if I'm waiting for something bad to happen. Perhaps the persistent dreams of chaos and injury make way for the thoughts of negativity. Nevertheless, with tomorrow gone, a large burden will finally be lifted off my shoulders and I can concentrate on God, school, spending time with the people I love, and living life.

I can't sleep

Christianity is a frighteningly arduous path. Pastors often preach the challenges that each believer must face and say that it will not only be challenging, but unique. However, that is the beauty of it. God purposely gives us challenges that are trying enough to truly cause distraught and struggle, yet He knows our hearts so well that He knows what we can handle. So I put my faith in the one and only King that knows me better than myself and proclaim this personal commitment to stand strong in the midst of the endeavor to overcome this difficulty because it is something that will pass because Jesus is already victorious. Instead of feeling inadequate, I know I am more than enough with God Instead of feeling lost, I know there is a God who loves me Instead of feeling alone, I know there is a God who stands with me

Being immobilized has given me some time to think, although I don't think brooding always brings about benefits for me. However, I've thought a lot about what life is and perhaps why society is the way that it is. There are a number of hypotheses about the topic, but it all seems to come down to the human psyche. Which is why you have people that are suicidal, prideful, modest, joyful, or even indifferent. The uniqueness in people isn't how they look or how they present themselves, rather, how they react when given the same situation as others. That is how you know someone holds different qualities and morals to give rise to individuality. I can only relate because of the sorry ways I react to situations. I may be overly apologetic, stupid, and unaware of the circumstances. Yet, once I realize my mistakes I take it upon myself to deal with it. This injury has only caused me to loathe asking for help more than I already did in the past and force myself to burden others with my issues. Although it may be naïve, I like to solve my own problems and do things on my own. I keep to myself and myself alone. When I'm pushed into the corner with no out, I then ask others for assistance. It's almost prideful and bashful in a way, yet I can't seem to get myself to just accept the help of others. But find myself always wondering about how something I do would affect others, like how my stupid ankle sprain would burden my roommates or cause people to change plans, etc.

Something even darker is that I constantly have these nightmares of dying. I remember vividly, seeing the bright headlights right before impact as well as the moment of touching the hole in my abdomen where the bullet entered and seeing the crimson liquid flow down my arm. Yet, I didn't wake up sweating. I didn't wake up afraid. It was almost as if I felt a sense of release. As if my life had no direction until that moment in my nightmare. I'm not depressed or suicidal, but just in a state of confusion.

But I am damn grateful for the good friends that I have in my life.

Going home just allows the brokenness and troubles to resurface. The problems that I thought were left behind long ago linger like scars. It’s as if I thought I could finally escape the dreaded fate that was waiting for me by being in Boston. How naïve of me. Now there’s only one thing that I can worry about because everything else in its presence seems worthless and petty. I feel sorry for my parents and wish I could do more. I feel sorry for the important people in my life because I wish I could be better. When I see the grim future, I don’t want time to move forward. I keep telling myself that there should be something more that I could do, yet I come up with nothing. I even have dreams, almost as if they were writing the future. I guess “dreams” isn’t the right word, rather, nightmares.

Late Night Brooding

For the first time in a while, I thought about what it meant to be a good friend. Is it that one person you can go to when you're feeling down? Is it that one person that talks to you all the time? What characterizes the good or even best friend? I thought I knew the answer, but as time goes on, my image of a good friend becomes more and more distorted and I start to question myself and my relationships. I begin to wonder if it's just superficial. Whether I knew the person for years, or just a couple months, I feel as if it's not a matter of how long you knew the person, rather, how much you care about getting to know who they are. Frankly, I don't open up to people. People don't know who I am, what my characteristics are like, or even what I do most of the time. This is a result of me simply being so closed off to other people. I feel as if this is a huge reason why I simply don't click with so many people or that I don't feel like we're not that close. There aren't moments when I can just come clean and tell people how I feel. But, what can I do at this point? I've lived my whole life this way, and there's no way that I can just change my lifestyle. It's not that I'm unhappy with who I am, rather, I feel like I'm closed off to my friends, and that's really not how a friendship should be in my honest opinion. But it is what it is. I am who I am and that's fine. I guess. Good night.

Glancing Back and Moving Forward

As I reflect upon the past year, only a few things come first in my mind. 1. How quickly it flew by. 2. The relationships I've come to cherish. 3. My abilities and my limits. With the sudden realization that I'm already halfway through my undergraduate career, I've come across a question that I have trouble answering. What have I done/am I doing with my life? I like to think that I'm somehow special as a result of what I've accomplished. But all of the accolades that I've garnered over my short college career is negligible. Nothing really shines, nothing really catches the eye. It pains me to say it, but I really have no other word to describe my abilities: Average. Nothing about me is very special or superb. Rather, all that I have done and have been doing is so small. Seeing my friends accomplish great things or go on to chase their dreams is only a feat that I can imagine. I really don't know what kind of goals I have. Just to become successful? Make lots of money? If that's the case, then I'm clearly living life with the wrong motives. I hope that the small things I've accumulated over the years can prove useful to me, because quite frankly, I'm going to be an average guy with an average life. I can see it, my future, almost as boring as crunching numbers forever. No offense to those who do that for a living. Y'all are great and everyone needs you to do your job or else other jobs would suck.

Anyways. Seems like this time of year is so fruitful for relationships. Yet, I'm met with nothing. I joke around with people that "I wish I had a girlfriend", but it's actually said with truth behind it. Not that I want a girl just for the sake of having a girlfriend, but someone to love, someone to cherish, someone that would accept my failures and wouldn't judge me when I talk to them. That's all that I'd want. But then again, it's not like I have a choice. Whatever, girls are confusing and I never know what's going on in their minds.

I know that sophomore year is mostly a "slump" for people, but since my freshman year was so bad, I think sophomore year was pretty good. I got to meet good people and further relationships more than I had anticipated, and even did better in school. So things are finally looking up, and I have some breathing room with this summer. PTL. Here's to a great year and for many more to come. I don't know who I'm saying this to. It's a blog. So followers? Whatever, I don't even know what I'm saying at this point.

omg why

Miracle "Drug"

Listening to my professor talk about this new protein that we're researching continues to leave me shocked. I found out that this new protein is not only related to senescence, but is also a tumor suppressor, an Alzheimer's disease treatment/cure(?) and even an intelligence booster. With a large sample size, all from different areas around the country, people that expressed higher levels of this protein scored, on average, 6 points higher on IQ tests than people with less of the protein. So, if things go well with pharmaceuticals, then an intelligence enhancing, cancer suppressing, life-extending, and Alzheimer's curing drug could be created. If that's not a miracle drug, I don't know what is.

I'm still in awe that I'll be working on something so substantial. But here's to medicine and a brighter future for all.

Only because I have so much time on my hands.

I question the authenticity of all that I do. I tend to react in ways that I didn't think I would, and I'm appalled at how easily I snap. Perhaps it's a result of the pent up emotions that I withhold, but I find myself putting on a front nearly all day. It's a dangerous path that I take, and over and over again, I catch myself immediately regretting a certain decision. However, I do not take these decisions and actions lightly. They stay with me as I brood over them for hours, possibly days, and constantly ponder why I might've reacted the way that I did. But I end up burying it deep within myself, only to resurface when I find myself in a similar situation. It's a slippery slope that I find myself on, but I just can't seem to get out of this rhythm of ingenuity. I like to think that I'm a simple guy, but there are so many different things that affect me in ways that I wouldn't even think of revealing to others. People don't know me, and I absolutely loathe when they think they know me and how I am as a person. I don't know why these thoughts are consuming my mind at the moment, but it's something I realized and wanted to change about myself. I want to be more genuine, but I feel like the harder I try to do so, I'm giving more and more of a false personality. Who am I?

Icarus

I should be studying for Ochem but who cares right? I continue to feel overwhelmed with an unexplainable feeling that continues to irritate my heart, as if something is itching to get out. It may be as a result of my responsibilities, but It's almost maddening at how arduous and taxing such a simple task could be. Many times, the advice given is bullshit and fluff. Additionally, the extent of the help some people give is a simple word of consolation, as if that would be enough for comfort. Of course, it's accepted and taken in, but it is not nearly as effective as many make it out to be. As I continue to blab, there is nothing I loathe more than empty words. Why say words if they carry no weight? Just as many say "Don't make a promise you can't keep." the basis of that statement comes from saying words that have no support, no backing. The absolute worst is saying something without believing in it yourself. Why waste someone's precious emotions and time with something that is ineffective and meaningless?

Anyways. Looking at what occurred in my life this past year, it's amazing how inept and ignorant I was. Lost in my own lie, I ceased to see clearly. I don't really understand or care about the way it eventually turned out, but what I regret most is that I was unable to see my incapacity to consider all perspectives. Going forward, each step must be meticulous. It's ridiculous how easily I fall into something so simple, but I guess it's because I'm a simple guy. The things that I loathe are uncommon and possibly unreasonable, but I bear with the things that are commonplace because those things are minute and are transient. The things that matter the most take into account the future, the lost, the broken, and the unreasonable. Yet, here I sit, lost in this thing called school, wandering about blindly without any idea what the future holds for me.

I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. Words? Have I gone mad? It's almost as if I need to try to convince myself that I'm adequate or that I have some sort of edge because of my ability to point out my own mistakes or problems. But who am I to say these things. I'm just a boy who thinks he's a grown man because he's lived 20 years. 20 very short years.

To whom it may concern, if you're still reading this, I'm thoroughly impressed that you would sit through this garbage. For that alone, I will buy you a cookie.

On Towards Infinity

As I sit here contemplating the events of this heavy Saturday, I'm feeling a crushing wave of unexplainable emotions. Some good, some bad. But oddly, these emotions leave me feeling empty. I don't believe that it's because of what's to come, rather, what could possibly occur. It's almost an irrational fear of possibility. Although the inevitable rapidly approaches, there is nothing I fear more than being alone again. Being in that place of no return, where there is no light, no happiness, and no love is something that just eats away at your soul. I loathed feeling empty and unloved, to the point where I would physically chip and chip away at my own body. I hated everything and everyone. But things changed. A crack in the doorway, if you will, and the blinding light flooded my vision as I looked to see myself, broken. I knew something had to be done, but I just didn't know what. In various things I found security. Mostly bad, but some good things, perhaps with the wrong intentions. On this day, I reconsider all of the bridges I've created as well as all of the reasons why I even continue on with those relationships. Is it because they give me something that I need? Or maybe it's just that I like the company. But what good is it if I see this only on the short term basis. What is to become of those relationships I cherished after they're gone? Do I just say goodbye and thanks for the memories? Is this just a lapse in my self-loathing days? I don't want to find myself lurking in the darkness of my own hate again. I don't want to see that I'm wallowing in the black. I want to change, I want to cherish, I want to love, I want to live with joy, a joy that will bring smiles to people. Gone is the life where I lived in the dark and on towards the light that will rescue me from myself.

It's an unfortunate truth that we live in a society where the characteristics of an individual don't carry them far in life, rather numbers on a piece of paper and "accomplishments" attempt to envelop one's whole being. Going to university has taught me that I'm not superior or lowly, but average. I've come to accept this fact, but loathe that my character cannot be taken into consideration when I attempt to show myself to the world. People don't care if I'm nice, if I work well with others, or if I'm selfless, rather they would want to see someone who has passed exams with flying colors and can present high numbers on their transcript. I've often flirted with the idea of presenting myself as something greater than numbers, but to no avail. There seemingly is no way to avoid this stigma of bad marks. And in the end those people who could've been perfect for a job or position are lost in the pile of rejects, tossed aside because they couldn't perform "adequately". I aspire to change the world in momentous ways that reverberate throughout the years. This is not brought out through performance on exams or an essay on an application. I believe this is only achieved through the nurturing of imagination and letting it flourish and blossom into a grand spectacle. Yet the world continues to restrict creativity and demands that education can only exist when those learning conform to the ideas that are already known.

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