Hello little people in my phone! My name is Max, but you can also call me Mota (stands for MaxOfTheApocalypse.) My pronouns are they/them and I am 22 years old.
I am autistic! My posts may read as dry or unemotional, and this is partly why. I have a hard enough time expressing myself in person, so over text is even more challenging. I am usually pretty happy and excited when posting, so do not be fooled by the proper punctuation! I am not angry, I am just trying to make my long words easier to read.
This is my first time openly interacting in an online space, so there is a lot I still don't know. I learn new terms all the time. Like yume-shipping! I had heard of self-shipping before, but not yume until recently. I'm still not sure what the difference is. I think it's like casual vs ranked? (That's a joke, but only sort of.)
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Don't want to read all that? Fair enough! Here is an easier visual, then.
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Fandoms
Disclaimer: Me enjoying these fandoms does not necessarily mean I support their creators. Some of these have controversial creators that I do not like or support.
Slashfic (current fixation)
Homestuck
Stardew Valley
Danny Phantom
ES V: Skyrim
Hazbin Hotel
Gravity Falls
Steven Universe
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Expected Content
I mostly post art, headcanons, and OC content, many of which will be yume. I may start posting links or fully cross-posting fanfics, but otherwise you can always check out my work on Ao3 under the same username. If anyone has requests for content, please send an ask or a DM! I will probably fulfill the request. External validation sustains my motivation to create!
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Yume
I'm still very new to this, so please have patience with me and correct me if I use any incorrect terms or do anything rude.
Currently my only yumes are the main 4 slashers of Slashfic (Mike, Ghost, Jay, and Leather). I have no problem with other people enjoying yume with these characters with the understanding that your yume and my yume are separate individuals, like AUs. I am also happy to make content for other OCs x the main 4 if requested because of that.
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Interaction
I am bad at initiating contact, but I am oh so happy to respond! Asks, comments, reblogs, etc. are all welcome! It's nice to be reminded that there are other people in the void that I am screaming into.
DNI if any of the following apply to you or your blog
Explicit content involving minors, fictional included
Minors themselves; sorry guys, Slashfic is an adult fandom
Romanticized or fetishized SA
Harassment of others; just because I don't agree with people does not mean I wish them harm
Use of generative AI as a replacement for artists
Bigotry; i.e. any discrimination against marginalized groups (racism, homophobia, transphobia, misogyny, etc.)
Also I've noticed that I draw blushes super saturated. I think that's because I blush so easily and visibly, so that's just the default in my head when I lazy doodle. Not a huge deal, just something I thought about. I am unfortunately the YN character that blushes every 3 sentences just because a pen falls or something.
TW: discussion of child abuse, CSA (only mentioned), and ableism
Oh boy, back on my soapbox for a brief yap. This time I'm coming for the fans, not the creators.
Someone recently reblogged an old rant post of mine that mentioned Jay and how the community interacts with his character, and in their tags, they said that people attributing his childlike behavior to autism is an ableist mindset. I am someone who sees Jay as an autistic coded character, but I actually think this person is also correct to an extent. I am trying to make this more readable than a wall of text, so I've broken things up into sections.
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Reasons why I personally see Jay as autistic:
Projection! I will be so real, a lot of it is me projecting my own experiences onto him. A lot of his mannerisms resonate with how I used to feel and behave before certain life experiences and the social pressure to mask changed some of that for me. Very touchy, direct and needing directness in return, quick to anger, sometimes violent temper, etc. This is all based on my own experience and not universal to every autistic person. Side note: I also headcanon Mike as autistic because a lot of his mannerisms resonate with how I feel and behave presently (not the murder part obviously), and Mike does not have the same childlike association that Jay does.
Jay could meet the requirements listed in the DSM-5 from what we can tell for his present behavior. We can't know if all of the traits we see have been present from childhood, which would be a requirement for an official diagnosis, so we can only work with present day Jay. I view his touchy behavior as sensory seeking because that is a sensory seeking behavior for me (again, there is bias on my end). He frequently hums, sings, and taps repetitively, which could be read as stimming. He adheres to strict “rules” or etiquette, some taught to him by Carol, some not, and brother has social deficits worse than me. It's not an official diagnosis by any means, but I feel that it's not unreasonable to say that he could fit the criteria.
Reasons why Jay is not definitely confirmed autistic:
He is never confirmed to be in canon. A lot of people in the fan community have decided that he is as a headcanon, but as far as I'm aware, neither the creators nor any scene in any version of the game have ever explicitly stated him to be autistic or any variation of neurodivergent. This is kind of a non-issue imo. Canon autistic representation is hard to come by and often very flawed, so we rely on headcanon representation just like a lot of other marginalized groups.
His mannerisms can be attributed to other causes. I think this is the main point and is the reason I don't feel invalidated by others choosing not to view Jay as autistic. Jay is confirmed to have been abducted and experimented on as a young child and is heavily implied to have been emotionally and/or physically abused by Carol. (Side note: I have seen a few people say that CSA is implied, but I personally don't agree that it is. I don't think it's a reach to see it that way, but I think the extent and type of the abuse Jay went through is open to interpretation, and the only 100% confirmed type is emotional control.) Childhood trauma can cause a lot of similar behaviors to autism, such as social deficits, repetitive behaviors, and struggles with certain stimuli, etc. Those in the know will notice that those hit the main categories in the DSM-5. We can't know if Jay's behavior has been present his entire life, and we have no relatives of his to compare his behavior to, so it's not really possible to say whether his behavior is learned, innate, or a mix of the two. I would like to point out that autism and childhood trauma are not mutually exclusive, and there's actually a pretty big overlap both in "symptoms" and in people who are both autistic and survivors of child abuse. Childhood trauma can't make someone autistic, but autistic children are more likely to be abused than allistic children.
His bad writing. I have said it before and I will say it again and again, og Slashfic has inconsistent and often contradictory writing. Sometimes Jay is naive and childlike, sometimes he's spontaneously cruel and violent, and sometimes he's mega horny and very forward about it. All of these things can coexist in a real person, but the way they are written in Jay come across to me as sudden switches without any believable cause. It feels more like his character changes to what the narrative needs him to be rather than intended personality contradictions. That forces fans to pick which parts of his character to keep and to what extent.
So, is having autistic Jay as a headcanon ableist?
My answer to that is: Maybe! I think it depends on why and how you go about it. If the reason someone interprets a character as autistic is because that character is childlike or because of only stereotypical behavior, then that is usually ableist. If someone sees an autistic character, headcanon or otherwise, and then argues that said character is less capable of certain actions or decisions without providing any reason other than them being autistic (or any other disability, really), then that would also usually be ableist.
However! There is nuance here that I think both extremes of the discussion miss. Obviously I'm biased, but I don't think I'm being ableist in my own headcanon. My thoughts are based on my own experiences as an autistic person, though autistic people can also be ableist toward themselves and others, but I don't feel like I'm reducing him to a stereotype. I am happy to discuss if anyone disagrees. That being said, some of the interpretations of Jay that I've seen, autistic or otherwise, have absolutely been ableist. There was an image made a while ago of Jay dressed as a baby with a pacifier and bonnet, and I think that was in poor taste. The person who made the image has since removed it and apologized (and I suspect that they're a minor, but that's a whole separate issue), but the sentiment that Jay is “just a baby” or otherwise too immature to have autonomy has been echoed in multiple posts and comments. That is where I believe ableism comes into play.
I don't think people mean to look down on him, but I think there is a large chunk of the fan base that unintentionally fall into the “protective/caring” side of ableism when it comes to Jay. These people think they know better or that the person in question is unable to make decisions for themself, so they want to “protect” them by infantilizing them. It's a desire that ultimately comes from a place of care even if it causes harm. There are cases where a disabled or otherwise altered (not sure what other word to use? I mean in cases of trauma or other behavior altering conditions outside of someone's control.) person may actually need support in the form of caretaking, so it's tricky to say that this mindset is always wrong. There are people who experience age regression for one reason or another who genuinely can't consent when they are in that state and would say so during the times when they are not, but there are also plenty of people who experience age regression who would not agree that they are unable to consent to things or make important decisions while they are regressed. I do not personally experience age regression, but I do experience involuntary meltdowns and shutdowns. I would say that I am unable to consent or make rational decisions during most of my meltdowns and some of my shutdowns, but someone else who experiences those may not agree with that for themselves. There is a phenomenon I've noticed around ableism in general that I might call reverse ableism where someone defends a disabled person's autonomy so strictly that they bar them from accommodations. The nature of disabilities is that sometimes we actually do need support. Too much support is smothering, and too little is negligent. Both can be dangerous.
I think the discourse around Jay can be problematic on both sides because it ultimately comes down to making autistic people or people who have experienced childhood trauma a monolith, which we are not in both cases. I think it is a reasonable perspective to say that Jay may not be able to make decisions about certain things because he has lived an incredibly sheltered life and may not be able to give truly informed consent, with the understanding that it's not an innate trait and he will eventually gain the information and experience to be able to make those decisions for himself. I also think it's reasonable to interpret Jay's moments of regression as involuntary and read that as a moment where he may need extra support and may be unable to make some decisions. I don't think it's reasonable to say that he can never ever make his own decisions because “he's just a baby uwu” or that any concern for his autonomy is ableist and bad. The problem is when either extreme is treated as a rule and not as individual circumstances to be applied at an individual level.
TLDR; I do personally read Jay as autistic, but not because he's childlike. And yes, I fully agree that some parts of the Slashfic community have an ableism problem. Interpret Jay however you want at the end of the day, but maybe examine why you do and listen to the groups you attribute him to so that you aren't falling into stereotypes or ableist mindsets. No hate to anyone I mentioned in this post or anyone who does or doesn't headcanon Jay as autistic, I just enjoy yapping and thought this was important enough to talk about.
The humble employees of The Crimson Conservatory (oc lore for the western AU)
I messed up Nico's eye, but I tried to fix it. Traditional art problems.
Brief lore yap below for those interested
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So The Crimson Conservatory is a parlor house where Max and Nico used to work as bartenders. Lily was a traveling performer, but chose to stay as a permanent singer after the owner, Madam Ruby (Rebecca), offered her creative freedom. The Conservatory later burned down following the mysterious death of the famous performer. Wonder what happened to all the people who worked there?
I have had this playlist for over a month and keep forgetting to post it. It’s my silly little ship playlist for the main 4 + Max polycule.
I've also been working on playlists for the main 4 slashers, and I am finally happy enough with them to share them. Some may be longer/shorter than the others, and that is because I am picky with playlists, not because of any favoritism for one character over another.
The songs are meant to be in chronological order for each of their stories.
Howdy, folks. The western AU has dragged me out of my crypt, so here's a doodle of cowpoke Max. Ignore the gloves, idk what I'm doing with those yet. I also might add a jacket or something.
Yap about my thoughts on the AU below the cut.
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Okay, so… I actually really liked it?? I expected it to be plotless fanservice since it came out about the same time as the Slash Island special (not a fan), but so far this seems to have an interesting plot. I love each character's role in the western setting, Leather hasn't mentioned “plowing” at all thank the heavens, and the designs are period appropriate and thoughtful. Except for Leather having the big naturals out, but I get that the birthday outfit is being reused.
Now that flowers have been given, it's time for the gripes:
The character creator. It's a cool concept and I get that it's still in beta, but I think many of us would have preferred it get a little more time in the oven. Don't be afraid to wait to put something out until it's in a presentable state. The three skin tones and two body types is not a presentable state, especially when you know you have a diverse player base. I found a western character creator that has more diversity in skin tones and hair types, but is sadly still limited in body types and is intended for fem presenting people. I'll link it here for anyone who is interested.
I think this is just a writing mistake, but Ghost calls MC a “woman” before you set your pronouns. It's when the infamy system is being explained, he says, "Make yourself a legend and you'll be more than just a woman. You'll be a story."
And on Ghost… Not a fan of how he was introduced. Peeping on someone bathing is a violation of consent. There was no nonconsensual touching, so it's not egregious or anything, but it's not a good look for a romance option. And I know, “He's a bad guy, why are you surprised?” Yeah, but he's not that kind of bad guy. He is explicitly said not to be. It would have been better for him to show up either before MC got undressed for the bath or right after they got re-dressed.
This one is entirely personal, so feel free to ignore it, but I'm just not a fan of the amnesia trope. It's overdone and seems more like an easy cop-out to make your POV character's backstory irrelevant. I appreciate that at least this time we're told right away, because I definitely didn't like the surprise amnesia ending of og Slashfic.
Other than that, I thought it was good and I like the concept. Hopefully more diverse options will be added to the character designer, and I would encourage a soft rewrite of Ghost's introduction scene.
It's lore o'clock because I am too busy/tired to draw. The dish of the day is angst, you're welcome.
Here is a link to the canon lore for my oc. I should probably make a masterlist at some point soon.
Lore Dump
The bad ending is identical to canon until the Presence fight. In the normal story, the slashers hold Max off until Lily is able to talk them down, but if they hadn't done that, Max would have killed Nico and thus Lily possessing them. And then. A little seppuku action. Because Max was in fact the last person on their own list. They wanted to kill everyone they blamed for Lily's death, and that included themself.
But remember sports fans, nothing stays dead in Nevermoor. Killing themself would have only proven their limited immortality and fully bound them to Nevermoor. They got so close to the finish line only to throw the game at the bitter end.
Ghost is mad as hell, but also understands because he had his own list, and he's not sure he would've been so rational if he had the opportunity to see it through. Leather is disappointed and kind of horrified, but for him it's just back to business as usual. Jay is really upset because he didn't think Max would do something like that, but he gets over it quickly once a new normal is reached. Mike is just quiet. He understands the need for revenge.
Max ends up as the latest slasher banished to the void with the others, and the cycle begins anew. Jaxon is compensated for his help and returns to taking care of his brother. Riley and Damien are disposed of by the Dunlaps for being unsuccessful Agents.
And then that leaves the opportunity to have a new MC and new story! Good luck romancing Max though, they are even tougher than Mike to get on the good side of.
Even with the pink sweater on, Mike has resting serial killer face
Original version below
Also I think it would be so funny if Jay tries alcohol for the first time and then goes too crazy with it. Like, "Wow, it burns. I love it!" And then 15 beers go by and you have a giant man who can barely walk.
Here's my first batch of submissions. This is my serious take, my next one?... You'll see soon (ㆁωㆁ)
I looked up a lot of western/farmer fashion for this and I'm only a little traumatized by the pics (≧▽≦)
This is basically the same outfit with different colorways, I'm indecisive af.
Though I'm a sucker for neutrals so the brown fit is probably my favorite. I was playing around with full denim outfits cuz I crave 80s fashion. And I give credit to @maxoftheapocalypse for the green shirt design, it's perfect on him.
You know we had to do pig embellishments too. I felt the boar belt was a nice touch 🐗
Sprites belong to the Slashfic team, I just drew the fits
