This space used to be home, was once the fuckinâ center of so many lives. In and out, door swinging, bell chiming. This bed is where I made love, now itâs rotted with a tanned bird, slumbering her liquor away with dust on her bum. And I await that morningâs breakfast. A corpse with rooted hair pops his eyes open to sunrise, and the pang of regret is immediate. Fucking instantaneous, and Iâve gotten used to that being my first thought, when consciousness brings the cruel reality of day. Of life. A life without him. Stitched eyes are red with restlessness and exhaustion, crooking to their sides and spying the silhouette of my bedside reaper in white, dressing the curve of her bum. It waits. I canât be assed if itâs fucking stale or not. Nobody does, when youâve fallen in this deep aâhole.Â
Dreary is the perpetual emptiness of this room, where thousand dollar linens now drape the furniture that once made it warm. Once a home. Mandy might have chosen the cherry wood and the telly, but Curt brought soul into these rooms. Stained a trail of whisky droplets in my floor, leading to the balcony. He seemed to be trapped on earth, at times. Iâve witnessed his longing to walk on the stars, right in those cosmically blue eyes. Balconies are the closest height he could achieve in hopes of reaching them, up there with the rest that shone brightly, and heâd chosen mine. My balcony. Where memories of both smiles and tears will haunt my morning view forever.Â
I lived in comfort knowing that I was in the company of the brightest star. I truly did, though the pride of my lion couldnât be boxed, and never deterred from itâs path to reach the top of the world. That place where legends die and are reborn, and a loverâs grip canât remain when the other continues his selfish climb. Never looking back, yet never possessing the desire to go on, all at once. I used him. Became him, in my own neon-flavored, lipstick-kissed way, and forever boiled like the jealous tart I was, that his torture and pain had molded him into an icon. As for me, I had to create him. Maxwell Demon. And yeâmight argue that many different paths lead to the idea of success, but Iâve never quite let go of that bitterness, as if the bloke had any control over how he was treated as a chap, to start with. Never deserved it, and I was happy to show him that I wasnât like the others. Offered him the world, and grew to love him dearly-- yet for him, it was not enough. Not in the way he wished, where abandoning my dreams paled in comparison to the thought of losing him. And now I live in sinful regret, knowing I crushed the man I both idolize and love, by letting him get into that cab. In knowing that letting him go was the biggest mistake Iâve ever made. To hell with the tour, to hell with Maxwell and his bastard of a manager, who shits dollar signs and sold his soul long ago to uphold that harsh persistence of his. We will all disappear. Right after this lovely toot, cradled on either side of a long spine, beneath the bronzed flesh of last nightâs lover.
So the skeleton craws, and every muscle pops and crackles like Iâve awaken from rigor mortis, pinching my upper lip in a tight hiss from the pure agony of knowing Iâve lived another day. Another sunset and rise without Curt, my Michigan wolf, and the reminder that no matter who lies on his tired pillow each morning after a bender, the space might as well be empty. Closing tired eyes, I snort up the lot of it, feeling the numbness consume every, exhausting bit of sadness that my wildman so often occupies the corners of. Heâs gone for now, but not truly. The telly draws the attention of sunken, yet alert features when I hear that raspy, impassioned voice wail his pain, calling out to the cocky side of me that snow-whiteâs high has provided-- and just in time. Thereâs something twisted and yet comforting, knowing that you share pain with the one you mourn the absence of, and thereâs no question of it when those tour dates are listed. Legs suddenly twitch, like they mean to pull me from the bed from both nerves and excitement. From the promise of seeing him once again, yet not knowing if Iâd even let myself be seen. Not like this. Not there. Maybe not ever. But that voice honors my pain, and cradles it closely, even beneath the blanket of filth and cocaine that wears me. The Danger Zone, tour. Danger, indeed. For you, my sweet little stranger.














