I know I've been a little on the quiet side lately, I'll apologize for that. Honestly, I've started about thirty of these letters to you, but I don't know what to say. We're supposed to be using these letters to cope, at least that's what we've said but the truth is, writing all of this down isn't helping me cope. It's just reminding me that he's gone.
You know that kid you've known all your life, since you met him in pre-k? The one you always looked up to, thought was a total badass, and never thought you'd be worthy of? That was him. He was literally my hero, and now he's gone. I tried to play the denial game the way Rose did, to say he was just fucking around--that was Colt, you know. Never serious, always joking, always up to throw you off your game. I feel like shit admitting it's possibility he could've been doing it now, but it's the truth. But he's not coming back, and that's the.. hardest pill to swallow. That my brother's gone. Makes me relieved really, that I got my letter to USC last week, just because I can't imagine being in this fucking town anymore. Not without him.
We had so many fights, looking back, over stupid shit. Girls, parties, cars, nothing that really mattered, but right now, that's all I can think about. It's all that's replaying in my head, because... what was the fucking point? Really, I thought it all mattered and in the moment, maybe it did. But I'm sitting here now, smoking on my balcony and wondering if I'd done one thing differently, if he'd still be here. They say you're not supposed to think like that, but can you really help it? Thoughts like that are inevitable, I suppose. It's human nature to lose yourself in the what-ifs and honestly, Colt's always going to be a what-if to me. What if I'd done it differently? What if I'd helped him get the girl just once instead of being bitter and shutting him out? What if I'd stopped him that night? The sad part is that before he died, I don't know when the last time we had an honest conversation was. We'd grown apart and now I'd give anything to just close the distance one more time.
But I can't, and now I'm just going to spend forever missing him.
Sincerely, a friend
