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[mayalblooshi]

Flying to The Eternal City.

In the beginning of August last year, I went to Italy with one of my best friends. I visited Rome, The Eternal City, the capital of Italy. It was so beautiful that it’s hard for me to describe. It’s not just what my eyes saw there, but how my heart felt when I walked down these streets in the center of the city.

I’m talking about the Colosseum. I didn’t know it was built in 70-80 AD, and it was the largest amphitheater at the time. Yes, we all saw the gladiator movie, and it was great. The focus of the movie was the glory of Maximus, we couldn’t really take a moment to think of how huge the Colosseum is. I mean hosting a gladiatorial contest for an average of 70K audience, THAT’S HUGE!

Not until I saw the Colosseum with my own eyes could I grasp its grandiosity. It was a hot midsummer day, not to mention the headache I got from whatever I had the night before. Let’s not get into that. It took me some time to get in, since the queue was so long. I was frustrated and dehydrated, but once I stepped in the amphitheater, I forgot about it all. It was incredible, and the amount of people walking in there, taking unforgettable pictures were countless. I walked around and took some pictures myself to capture this mesmerizing memory. I did pretty good as a tourist, I gave it my 100%. Self-guided sightseeing tour was fun, after that I went to visit different places in Rome, like Trevi Fountain, The Vatican City & many more.

[mayalblooshi]

Bruises

I still remember all the nights when I was unable to sleep. My only wish was to dream at that time. In one moment, I wanted to close my eyes and drown deep into the sleep, the other moment I was fearing the sleep itself because I didn’t want to have these nightmares again.

Yes, I still see him even when I pray so hard not to, he still haunts me because it gives him power to control my fears. The more I run away from him, the more he keeps on showing up.

It’s sad when I realize that the hand that used to hold mine one day, is the same one twisting my arm today. The bruises he left on my body are remarkable, the hidden scars that no one sees. I see them every day, and it reminds me of all his empty promises.

It wasn’t enough for him to physically abuse me and call it tough love. He wanted more, so he abused me emotionally and spiritually and called it “constructive criticism”. Consistently repeating it, and I’m letting him do this to me. Why? There wasn't any explanation in my head that made any sense, maybe I thought I could change him into a better person, maybe I was afraid of change. It was just another day; hope went down with the sunset. That’s how days turned into months, and I became hopeless and felt helpless towards him. I couldn’t help him; I needed to help myself.  I admit it, I wasn't strong enough at the beginning, but I put myself together instead of drowning in my own river of tears. I decided to swim towards the shore of “moving on”.

So, I left. I started a new life, it took me some time, but I moved on. I learned to put myself first.I learned how to make amends with “the sleep”. I do have nightmares from time to time, but it’s ok.It is just a reminder that I’m not a weak person no matter how I look or sound, I’m a pretty strong one. The bruises are gone now, so is he. Everything about him slowly started to fade away. Now he’s just a bad memory, saved at the back of the archive section of my brain, and the fears were just thoughts. I was trapped in my own head, I broke free.

[mayalblooshi]

Heartache.

I read this article about grief by Jammie Cannon a few hours ago. Let me tell you this, I might not be specialized in treatments of trauma or anxiety, but I did go through both, and I survived.

I totally agree that grief, sadness or sorrow, whatever you call it, is destructive. She said “Grief is one thing we have never learned to predict. It is one thing we are unable to prepare for, to conquer, to subdue”, but if we really think about every phase or struggle we go through in life we aren't exactly ready for it. How many times in our life have we said “oh, I'm not ready for this”. I mean it could be anything: losing a job, a huge loss on the stock exchange, break ups or sickness. They are all just phases we are going to go through, fight them, and survive them.

4 years ago, in 2016, I lost my father. It was a painful heartache, it felt like this world is losing oxygen because it was really hard for me to breathe. It took time to process this new reality, and it took some time to heal from this heartache, but in the end I learned to reconstruct my life. Put myself together and move on from it. Death is a part of this life, and nothing will last forever. The only thing that would last is our love for this person who isn't there to receive it anymore.

So we aren’t really prepared for anything, and no matter how many barricades you hold to protect yourself, life is full of surprises. You will keep on learning how to survive, but you won't be ready for it because you still don't know how it feels or how strong it will hit your core. So improvise, find a way to deal with it. If you can't change it, then accept it, and if you can't accept it, then change it. Let's say you aren't able to do either, then just test your strength and your beliefs.

[mayalblooshi]

Orientation

The university I go to is hosting an official spring 2020 Student Orientation. I couldn’t really attend that because I work a full-time job from 8 am to 3 pm. The timing wasn’t convenient for me; the orientation starts at 1:00 pm. Yesterday I received a message from the administration announcing that Prof. Tyler Adams, CMMC Dean, requested our attendance. It must be important if the dean asked for it. All I could think of is how I’ll convince my line manager to let me leave early from work. This orientation is important to me, it must be!

I still remember my interview with the dean; in order to be accepted in College of mass and media communication. It was an unforgettable moment for me. When he started interviewing me, I was literally shivering, and I’m pretty sure it wasn’t the weather even though it was cold that day. I was so nervous as I wasn’t ready to meet the dean, it was a last-minute call and I didn't even know what I’d talk about.

Once the interview started, one question led to another. I started to get comfortable, he was very accepting, kind and friendly. He gave me some advice and said that I have a bright future ahead of me, and that he really sees me holding a master’s degree, a PhD even. I have a vision for myself, and a goal to reach, but someone else has the same vision for me, that’s amazing!  I mean isn’t that huge! Especially if that someone is CMMC Dean himself. That’s when I felt I must continue my journey in this university, become what I always wanted to be. That’s why attending this orientation is important to me, and for my future in this university. The pathway to become creative, effective and productive to the university and community starts tomorrow.

[mayalblooshi]

Hopes & Expectations

This is going to be my first journal entry.

Well you know how they say “life doesn't really go the way you expected it to”. It’s true actually, when I graduated high school 10 years ago, in 2010 to be exact, my dream was to get bachelor’s in mass and media communications because I was so interested in international affairs, so then I’ll get my dream job to work in an embassy, travel the world, experience all kind of different cultures, to see the world’s landmarks, probably do my paper work while sipping a Japanese tea in Japanese traditional clothing, I mean it doesn’t really have to be in Japan, it could be anywhere but wouldn’t it be nice? The changes, the weather, meeting new people, right? That would be the different reality I imagined myself in but in this reality I ended up dropping college first year, had a day job in insurance company and had to care of my family at age of 18. Life didn’t really go as I planned it to but that’s okay, I had to experience everything else and learned so much from all the things that happened through out the years, and I’m really okay with that, being okay doesn’t necessarily mean being happy, now after 10 years I feel like it’s about time I focus on myself and go after my long lost dream, make it happen for me and my happiness sake, so the next thing I know I’m here right where I left 10 years ago, taking an English class, I mean I need to start from somewhere and this is it. This is my way in, academic writing in English, this is where it will all happen, my first homework about subject, verb and objective. Even though we learned that in high school, it was still so different in here, in a good way. I expect to improve my English, my writing and communication skills and learn a lot from this class, my expectations are to attend the class, give it my best and take whatever there’s to take, be the best student, get an A. Let me picture it this way, if my bachelor’s is at the top of the ladder and every class is a rung then all I have to do is to nail the rung. They are expectations in the end, but what I really hope for myself is to just do it, it’s been long enough, I deserve this education and I deserve a seat in this class just like the rest, I just need to shine.