You're Not Welcome Here

23, probably 25 before I edit this again. He/Him. cis. LGBTQ+ ally. BLM advocate. Fuck the police. Broke af just trying to live in a country that hates poor people.

[animatedtext]

requested by octo-senpai 

[maybeimwillmaybeidont]

A squirrel just sat in a tree above me and tore bits of an unripe fruit of some kind and threw them down at the ground, hitting me in the process 5 or 6 times before noticing I was there and scampering off.

[fibro-memes]

[fibro-memes]

[cursesandcrows]

Me for the last 15 years: im a bit burnt out rn but im sure next week will be different

[chronicillnesshumor-deactivated]

[dogpuppy]

[classycookiexo]

[hungwy]

I like saying "I'll allow it" only in contexts where I have no power or authority

[depsidase]

[thememedaddy]

[itsanidentitycrisis]

@funnier-as-a-system

[funnier-as-a-system]

[ID: a post by Triflin Brat (@ TriflinBratx) that reads: lowkey hate having a body. it's so high maintenance. wash this, eat that, drink sleep that. it's all very stupid. / end ID]

[depsidase]

[thememedaddy]

[three-green-waterbottles]

@funnier-as-a-system

[funnier-as-a-system]

[ID: a post by taoki (@ justalexoki) that reads: told my wife i reach my beliefs by arguing with myself in my head until one side is out of arguments and she looked at me like i was an alien

doesn't everybody do this

/ end ID

[depsidase]

[kaity--did]

The problem with having a child with an attorney that has spoken to the child like an adult since birth is that she's 4 years old and she's negotiating the order in which we're going to complete tasks as a family to best suit her idea of an ideal day.

[kaity--did]

Penny: We go home, we play the mirror game, we have dessert, we play more games, we have fun deal?

Me: Okay well actually we're going to go home, have dinner, then dessert, then we can play your video game, then tubby then bed

Penny: Okay no tubby, games first, deal?

Me: This is not - what is happening right now?

Penny: Dada?

Dada: Arbitration?

Penny: DEALS!

[kaity--did]

Every single thing in our lives has become a negotiation and it is frankly ridiculous as it is hilarious.

Penny: I want to use bare foot when we go outside

Me: I didn't know we were going outside but you have to wear shoes girl

Penny: okay but what about I use bare foot's but at Penny's house? This deal?

Me: you know what yeah fine if you agree to not fight about shoes when we leave the house you can be barefoot in the back yard, deal.

Penny: -sticks her hand out expectantly- we deal?

I think I just made a verbal contract with a 4 year old.

[kaity--did]

She's attempting to establish evidence I think

Penny: but I want to go shool pwease

Dada: okay well it is 8pm, so you have to go to sleep now

Penny: okay but I see my fwiends at shool now please, deal?

Dada: Darling no one is at school, all your friends are asleep as well.

Penny: all Penny's fwiends are sweep? What about we... get in Dadas car and check to see watch them sweep, yes deal?

Dada: I cannot begin to explain to you why that can not happen

[kaity--did]

The great thing about being beholden to Penny the Deals Warlock is that she is also beholden to the art of the deal

Me: (watching Penny scoot her step stool over to where we keep the candy jar): hey honey we're literally walking out the door to go get dinner, maybe we wait on the candy okay?

Penny: Oh but I will have some candy?

Me: Why don't you come have some mac and cheese and then when we get home you can have some candy, deal?

Penny: (running out the door) oh, yes this is deals!

[kaity--did]

We are visiting my family and Papa has quickly had to pay patronage to Penny the Deals Warlock

Papa: (yesterday morning, when Penny was a little grumpy) What about you come downstairs and we'll have some waffles and then tomorrow Papa will take you to the Diner in town for breakfast?

Penny: (extending her tiny hand to a VERY confused man) this is deal?

Papa: (not knowing hes entering a literal contract) uhm yeah deal.

-smash cut to 6:30 AM this morning-

Penny (running down the hallway in bare feet) 👹BREAKFAST DEALS👹

[valtsv]

"could you win a fight with your doppelganger" and "would you fuck your clone" questions are fun but honestly they don't reveal nearly as much as my favourite question: could you manipulate them?

[valtsv]

it's like. not only how well do you know yourself, but how much can you separate yourself from the concept of "you"? how far are you willing to go to establish control over yourself? can you really look yourself in the eyes and lie? and if you can, what does that say about you?

[valtsv]

"why would you even want to do this" another great question!!

[sandersstudies]

Me: Okay improv class somebody give me an occupation. :)

Class: Dentist!

Me: okay, so in this scene you are going to be a dentist. :)

Child 1: WHY DID YOU STEAL MY TEETH!

Child 2, on the floor, sobbing: I’m so sorry! I sold them on the dark web. I’m in so much debt from medical college.