A lot of asks have come in with pretty specific questions around what I’m willing to tolerate in terms of incompatibility with a person and still be able to date them. I’ve had a decent time answering them, but I have also wanted to say a bit more.
The past three or four years I’ve been mostly single, but also looking pretty consistently.
One of the things I had been trying to do after my last relationship, and thanks to therapy, was move away from a very sex-focused compatibility guage. You see, in the past, it was something I always looked for first and it got me into some relationships that maybe I could’ve avoided if I didn’t weight that compatibility so high. Obviously, the pendulum has swung back the other way, and dating without a sex-first mentality has really helped me understand what it is I’m looking for in all aspects of a partner.
But in these past three or four years, I’ve dated a handful of women for short periods of time (1-2 months) and they all ended in the same way.
When someone here asks if I’d still date a person with x, y, z qualifier...I always want to say to them, the thing I’ve found that immediately makes me understand our incompatibility is a person’s lack of insight into their own sexuality.
All of the women I dated after that shift in my focus, were deeply disconnected from their sexual needs and desires. It ranged from not being able to communicate what those were, to me being told explicitly “can’t you, ya know, just do whatever you want?” and not in like a sexy power dynamic way but in a “I don’t want to participate in this really and never have had to before why are you asking me to” kind of way.
So, whatever your special circumstance is, know that it’s probably not a disqualifier for me.
I know that a female ownership of sexuality is complicated, to say the least. And that society has put immense pressures on both men and women (and nonconforming folks too!) when it comes to how they navigate sexuality. I have some deep sympathy for that, and also realize that where I’m at with my own sexuality would likely not make me a good partner for someone not on the same trajectory. We’re all at different levels, and I think that’s okay, we just have to recognize it and be honest, even if we really like someone.
And as an aside here, it was never that those women just didn’t have the experience. I’m all about teaching, and exploring, and that side of a kink dominated relationship. It might be my favorite part. But I’m looking for someone like you, someone who’s on tumblr looking at blogs with specific, precise kinks and interests, someone who will share that with me once I have earned their trust and proven myself to be someone who won’t judge them.
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