Maurice (1914) by E. M. Forster
I just started to read the book yesterday and... I definitelly am NOT disappointed!😍
Just first 3 chapters and it feels like film prequel!!!🤯
There's Maurice's fear of darkness and him playing with his sisters, and the way he treats their servants, and there's that fucking doctor Barry (NOT really a "family friend"), and also there's Dicky...
And there comes the most decent story about how does it feel to be adolescenting boy, and gay, and from hundret years ago, and not realising what's going on, even less that there might be anything "wrong" with him, and it's so innocent in his naivety (there's the "dream about the friend that last your whole life" - aaaaargh!!!😍), and it feels so simple and sincere, and so true - and when you know it's autobiographic novel of actually homosexual writer living hundret years ago - and so it's just literally a first hand description of how did HE felt when being a boy and it' like...
OMG I did not deserve this!!!🥲 My inner psychologist is already drooling all over the floor...🤤 What teen Maurice experienced when reading "Martial" might be similar to what I feel when reading "Maurice"!
But then when I see how author was describing his main character in such cruel way, always emphasing how average, unintelligent and lazy he was, and I'm thinking if that was some kind of fashion to put so much sarcasm into your character description and to lower his personality and motivations so much or could it be just some manner of excessive self-criticism - because I remembered once again it's autobiographic - but then isn't it even more weird if he was so critical toward his own self and then I'm like... Isn't it the way I myself try to underestimate my work and art because it actually feels so dear to me that I'd rather be the most critical so that you don't guess how much it matters to me and you won't bother to criticise it yourself or even if you would it won't be so painful as I already tried to believe that it is worthless anyway or maybe I'd rather hear you laugh about my lame joke than letting you know my true feelings because then you might be sympathising or pity me and that'll make me feel humiliated and bringing me to tears and - I don't want to be pitiful and I want to feel I still have control over my own feelings and I want not to be seen crying and vulnerable - and especially if I was a guy...
So maybe the author was describing his character in such cruel manner just to hide how dear he actually was to him?🤔
Overanalysing? Obviously! I just need to feed that empathetic beast sometimes. Why else would I ever be reading?