Starting Over

On a year-long journey of journaling any thoughts in my brain and heart.

[maytwentyseventh2016]

Three

Songs stuck in my head: Last Hope (Paramore), In Case (Demi Lovato), Who Lives Who Dies Who Tells Your Story (Hamilton), The Room Where It Happens (Hamilton), Love Yourself (Justin Beiber), Northern Downpour (Panic! At The Disco) I need to work on my relationship with food. It is May 29th, 2016. You tried talking to me about how your van ran out of gas last night. I didn't respond. Maybe try being more creative, and stop saying things in hope you'll get a surprised reaction out of me. You're a goddamn artist after all. You used to tell me that I wasn't creative enough, that I was boring. Look at yourself.

[maytwentyseventh2016]

Two

Songs stuck in my head: In Case (Demi Lovato), Love Yourself (Justin Beiber), Wait For It (Hamilton)

Today is May 28th, 2016. It was the last day that my extremely attractive coworker was at the location I work at. He’s going to unfortunately be going to the downtown store starting on Monday. It sucks because I really felt a connection to him. It was nice to be around someone that isn’t a complete jackass, and is good at their job, and also insanely attractive. God. Help. I can only hope we really do stay in touch like he said. He also bought me bubble tea, which speaks volumes. I just hope I get to see him again soon.

Chuck texted me last night (this morning?) at 1:15am. It was a picture of I think his mattress with a bunch of black specks on it. He then texted me again at 4:14am saying “Im kidding, its lint. Wanted to see if you’d be concerned. Its cool.” I just don’t understand why he’s annoyed that I didn’t answer at 4:14am? I’m sorry I fell asleep? He’s very much in love with some new girl, and I’m finally ready to move on. I haven’t talked to him since Monday, so almost a week. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t get a weird satisfaction knowing that he still wants to talk to me. It’s almost like his way of saying he misses me but without saying so. But he would have to send something really important or heartfelt to get me to respond at this point. I’m done putting effort in.

[maytwentyseventh2016]

One

Songs in my head: In Case (Demi Lovato), Stone Cold (Demi Lovato), Wait For It (Hamilton), Changing of the Seasons (Two Door Cinema Club)

Today I worked in the store where I met you. I forget what day exactly, I want to say it was either October or November, almost 3 years ago. As soon as I saw you I was smitten. You had a cat on your shirt with galaxy eyes. You were calm and collected. We chatted about where I came from and realized I went to the same college as your brother. I practically begged my boss to hire you when you left. And he did. Today I am letting you go. After today I won’t look at your social media accounts, I am cutting all ties. Today marks a day of beginning to recover and suck the poison out of my life. I deserve more than the dull shallow remarks that have cut me deeper than I should’ve allowed. I deserve to be with someone that wants to text me, at night, when they wake up. I deserve someone that actually wants to be with me, and that person is not you. And never will be you again. The person in you that I loved is dead. I haven’t spoken to you in four days. Summer is sad for this was when you and I grew closer. We kissed in the parking lot at work for the first time late one night. I spent my birthday with you. Only for you to choose someone else for six months. When you left her that January, you came back to me. You loved me once, didn’t you? I remember when your touch would send shivers through my skin, burnt at the tips of your fingers. You’d run your hands through my hair and I’d melt. You’d stroke the side of my face and brows with your thumb. I was hooked. There was no one else I wanted to be loved by. I’m sorry I wasn’t exciting enough. I’m sorry I bored you. I’m sorry that no matter what or who I tried to be for you, no matter how much I wore myself down, I was never enough. We spent all of last summer together. In fact, it was around this time that you came back to me, wanting to be mine after weeks apart. This time around, you’re falling harder for a girl with no eyebrows. I suppose I should learn to have a summer without you. I can feel you forgetting me. I feel hopeful. Somehow. Despite my head and heart aching all throughout the day. I know my friends grow tired of my speaking of you. It’s happened far too often. This will be one of the harder things I’ll recover from, as of now. I know I will be okay. I can feel it.