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Learning how to love with all the light in my heart

[mayying]

Some days, you’ll wake up and you’ll feel alright, like nothing was ever out of place. The quiet sureness falls so gently over the creases of your skin and you are sure. So sure.

[mayying]

I think we’ll call this chapter ‘getting better’. It’s about the 47 polar nights we spent digging graves for all our past mistakes and how we sat by ashy fires and sang prayers of safety for those lost spirits till the sun came up.

[mayying]

Shed some skin. Honey, this sadness will only swallow you whole. Show them a brighter you - sunshine shades in the auburn glow. Let this growing pain force you to learn. Remember this: serum sickness only serves to warn you of those who will never heal your hurt.

[mayying]

Even when it’s quiet, you search for the exit sign. When will you learn that the silence can heal you if you just let time take its course. Yes, the nights will be long but that space beside you was not made to just be filled with empty promises. Stop reaching for those hungry hands, they only know how to tear open skin and break already fragile bones. Listen to nothing and let the night winds teach you how to breathe. It’s quiet here now, you have to learn to let that silence be.

[mayying]

I will remember you for everything good and right; the way your eyes look like sunsets or how your cheeks turn into the colours of my favourite blooms in bed late at night.

[mayying]

Bitter-sweet lover with a tender heart. Your head is filled with fire and heart with a sad, forlorn desire. Palms riddled with words from a distant place, for no one to decipher. Your eyes are pouring with late-night conversations over a table of bread and wine. Talks about mistakes, heartaches, dreams and wishes that you long forgot you set sail. Dear lover, forgive your excuses for you did not know how thin your skin had worn down to. 

[mayying]

Dream

I had this dream of you, I call it ‘safety’. I’m scratching the back of my mind now to remember what you said but I can’t recall the exact words.

All I remember is the feeling. The early morning air and warm sheets. My heavy heart and blurry eyes. Your arms nestled securely around me. My sighs pooling in the grooves of your bare chest. Your voice that said I would be safe; assurance that you would protect me.

There was so much safety, so much peace.

[mayying]

Honey, you could be mine.

Sweetheart with the sweet-heart.

Buttery eyes that melt so gently, pooling in the palm of my hands.

[mayying]

Painful thoughts from the matters of my heart. 

Quiet soul yearning for love louder than a volcanic eruption.

Selfish love that asked for more than what it deserved.

[mayying]

I remember every careless whisper you let out in your sleep.

You told me of my softness, both in my heart and in my skin. You said that the  mere thought of never seeing me again felt like every shooting star wish crashing into the ocean.

In my fit of sadness, I reminded you of my selfishness and my darkness; darkness that felt like oceans and canyons.

I’m sorry your shooting stars crashed into my oceans but I hope they will still live on, burning under my thunder waves.

Maybe then all the life blooming in these waters will finally know what it’s like to fall asleep under shooting stars like we did when we first met. 

[mayying]

The day I first learnt to swim was the day I first feared drowning. 

They say that drowning to death is one of the most painful ways to go. Lungs caving in and twisting in knots around itself, throat tightening, muscles straining and cramping and your voice - still and soundless.

The day I first learnt to swim was the day I first feared drowning. 

I remember my brother pushing my head down in the deep end of the pool with my mother frantically screaming in the background. At the age of 6, I thought that I was going to die. 

At the age of 21, I realised that I’ve been living with the fear of drowning but not the fear of dying.

[mayying]

I’ve caught the same sunset thrice in my life with three different people beside me. Reds and purples bursting through the same shade of blue, three years apart. It’s strange how so much can change and yet so much could stay the same.

Each year, surrounded by someone who loved me. Each year, hoping for something more. 

Looking back, everything feels so forlorn, so lost and so sad. I can’t remember how I truly felt in those moments.

[mayying]

They say that the harder you look at the night sky, the more stars you'll see. I just hope the same goes for me. Because it most definitely is for you. With every sunrise and every sunset and with every goodbye kiss that I taste lingering on my lips from every reluctant 5am goodbye, I see so many more stars in you. So many that maybe it should be 'much' because the warmth I see shining from your hands can never be measured, not by any means on this whole entire world. So set your fears on fire and burn those old photographs that you keep so neatly tucked away in that box below you bed - the stars in you are dying to be admired and darling, my eyes are only on you.

[mayying]

The sun may not always be shining but darling, your flowers still need the rain to grow. So stop being afraid and stop apologising. You have done nothing wrong and there is still so much time left to grow.

[mayying]

I want you to undress me with your heart strings and play me a melody with those loving lips. You bathe me with loving truths and such honesty that can make even the oldest of bones feel so alive. So as the stars begin to settle in that velvet night sky, we'll climb that hill and dig graves for all our past mistakes and finally we'll let go of all those weights we tied around our ankles from the years we swore we were broken. Because now we are free.

[mayying]

It's funny how I no longer fear Even when the graveyard bells ring in the dead of night These old ghosts have lost their grip on me

[mayying]

Book a night in the garden of Eden Paradise right here on your skin We'll celebrate: Wrung up sheets and tangled limbs Dancing tongues within our temple walls Flower fingers diving into vast oceans Empty mouths grasping for first air And most of all we will laugh When pure bliss pours from your face like a waterfall And love's first kiss suckles up to your most tender skin And joy and all things good call your name to rest within my flower bed