The first time I fell in love with me
The first time I fell in love Was the day you told me, You didn’t feel the same. That even though it was nice, I didn’t inspire you Or make your heart stop. The first time I fell in love Wasn’t some beautiful perfect day. It was cloudy and murky A stench of things rotting. There was no sunshine No silver lining or rainbows. The first time I fell in love I felt like drowning. My chest hurt like crazy, Eyes itching from rubbing, My bones collapsing on itself, Blood leaking into crevices. The first time I fell in love I remembered the little stuff. How you grabbed my hair, How you tasted on my lips, How you felt against my skin. I revered every little thing. The first time I fell in love I wanted to die. I wanted to grate my skin with sandpaper. I wanted to pull every hair out. I wanted to vomit out every kiss. I wanted to hurt me. The first time I fell in love I didn’t hurt me, Just because you did. I didn’t cut myself Or make me sick, I stopped myself in time. The first time I fell in love I stood in front of the mirror And looked at me. The black hair you liked. The lips you kissed. The curves you touched. The first time I fell in love I loved my hair for its smell. I loved my lip for its smile. I loved my curves for its softness. I loved my scars for its memories. I loved me. The first time I fell in love I realised that I didn’t need to inspire you. I wasn’t your muse, I was my own artist. I needed myself to create me. The first time I fell in love Was the day you broke my heart. Thank you for that. I wouldn’t have found my first love Without all the hurt. The first time I fell in love was with me. — by Shabba Hakim