Smells of the MBTA

[mbtasmells]

PM rush hour 04/19/2017

Title: Barbershop Bake Sale by Debbie Gibson Description: Hanging onto her electric youth by the skin of its teeth, Debbie Gibson releases her first fragrance for men. Inspired by her dwindling checking account balance, Debbie Gibson decided to revisit the perfumery where she once bottled her famed fragrance "electric youth," only to find that it is now a Dunkin Donuts. Heartbroken, she drove to the storage unit where she keeps her denim vests and hair crimper and found a dusty box returned to sender from a Glendale area Sears. it was then that she discovered 50 bottles of her luxury scent. Determined, she filled the now dried bottles with pinaud and Malibu the rest is history. Top notes: dust, barbershop powder Middle notes: faux leather, spilt coffee Base notes: perfume from a Claire's.

[competitiveeatingfortheelderly]

[mbtasmells]

12:00AM

Line: orange Title: "Ronald" by Messchino "You've left the bar. You have a hunger for meats- Your mission awaits. The steak house? The grocery? No. You want your meats and you want them fast. The newest stank by Messchino: RONALD. The innocence of childhood. The frivolity of an obese woman at BJ's. Ronald... go for it." Top notes: grease, burnt beef Middle notes: vanilla, oud Base notes: sweet and sour Bottom line: I've had too much vodka for this shit. Shut it down. 2/5 stars

[mbtasmells]

AM rush hour 04/06/17

Title: "midsummer nights cream" by Giorgio Beverly Hills 

 Description: Picture this: you're an el Salvadoran prostitute named Pretzel Legs and you need to quickly aerate your lady bits. You grab a nearby bottle of febreeze and some incense and rub it on your tunnel of love. Oh no! You forgot to empty out your hamper after the last John; so now it's a weird fluids mixed with industrial chemicals and flowers situation. You go about your day, head held high. 

 Top notes: Air freshener, semen 

Middle notes: vetiver, bread 

Base notes: unwashed yoga pants 

 Bottom line: there is a man in front of me with jizz on his pants. I'm not even joking. Aside from that the stink is just average. 

 3/5 stars

[mbtasmells]

PM rush hour 04/05/2017

Line: orange

Title: “Mélanome sauvage” by Christian’t Dior

Description: Tanning beds and burnt rubber collide in the newest fragrance by Dior. Out of the bottle and rubbed on the skin, you get an immediate slap of synthetic tan lotion and a crop dusted fart. You stuff your freshly orange frame into a bedazzled blouse and head for your nearby Autozone for a set of new tires. Bridging the gap between hardware and skin cancer, this fragrance will lift you up and then bury you 6 feet under. Spray if you dare.

Top notes: ambrosia self tanner, fart Middle notes: burnt rubber, sweaty jacket Base notes: that thing where you run in a baseball hat and then smell it.

Bottom line: the train is like 90 degrees and full of people who don’t understand personal space. Literally a purse is resting on my shoulder and it’s a Michael Kors… and that in itself is tragic.

2/5 stars

[mbtasmells]

AM rush hour 04/05/2017

Line: Orange

Title: “ShamaLamaDingDong” By Hostess for Guerlain in collaboration with dekuyper 

Description: Refinement. Style. Preservatives. With it’s intoxicating aroma of freshly poured peach schnapps, chocolate snack cake, basement must, and a bummed cigarette- this gourmand/oriental fragrance will take you to far off lands, or at least to Boston Medical Center or like ... chinatown or something. 

Top Notes: nondescript EDP

Middle Notes: Chocolate, Peach, spilt liquor 

Base Notes: Tobacco, Mildew

Bottom Line: Honestly? I kinda liked it. SO SUE ME.

4.75/5 stars 

[mbtasmells]

PM rush hour 04/04/2017

Title: “Mentholodeon” by Jean-Nate for Frederic Malle

Description: Jean-Nate brings her dime-store aesthetic to the world of fine perfumery with her first fragrance for Frederic Malle. A mental trip to the pharmacy for last minute mouth wash before a hookup arrives for hastily delivered fluids. While in the checkout line, you see a travel size bottle of febreeze room spray. A steal for only $1.79. Upon leaving the store, you receive a text from your trick- they aren’t coming. All is not lost, however, as a glimmer of light hits your eye as the sun reflects off the single tooth in a homeless woman’s mouth & her collection of found coins. An exotic evening awaits.

Top notes: listerine blue mouth wash Middle notes: flavored lubricant. Base notes: a skipped shower

Bottom line: I hope he gets it in

4/5 stars

[mbtasmells]

AM rush hour 04/04/2017

Line: orange

Title: “Acqua di NO. By Giorgio Farmani”

Description: A drug addicted investment banker, keen on impressing his recently acquired South Korean mail order bride, picks up a jar of kimchi in the clearance bin at his local Super 88. Upon leaving the market, he picks up a bottle of aftershave at a nearby apothecary. He bags them together. On his journey home, he slips & smashes the bag into the ground. Being in a hurry, he combines the mixture; bathes in it, and then serves it to his caged wife while looking for a good vein. She’s not impressed. He nods off. 

Top notes: fermented cabbage, meth mouth

Middle notes: literally the entire men’s fragrance counter at Macy’s.

Base notes: rain boots and fresh stool

Bottom line: absolutely fucking not.

1/5 stars

[mbtasmells]

PM rush hour 03/30/2017

Line: orange Title: “fish market fantasy by Britney Spears” Description: a young girl, self raised on the streets of Lowell, ponders love lost while browsing the clearance aisle at the fish market. She sips her Hawaiian Punch, spiked with nips of Malibu procured at her local package store. ‘Da fuq dat smell is?’ she asks; she adjusts her undegarment… and she gets her answer.

Top notes: salmon, tutti fruity Middle notes: various types of cheese, yeast Base notes: malden square at dusk, corn nuts

Bottom line: You better wash that puss.

2/5 stars

[mbtasmells]

AM Rush Hour 03/30/2017

Line: Orange . 

Title: “L'accident dans le DreamHouse - Pour Femme” 

Description: somebody ate, digested, and shit out a bottle of Barbie's perfume... lit it aflame... and asked their alcoholic friend to piss on it to extinguish the blaze.

Top Notes: Urine, Smoke

Middle Notes: Synthetic Orange Blossom oil, Feces

Base Notes: Cheap makeup, Dutch Ovened Fart

3.5/5 Stars 

Bottom Line: I’ve been on smellier Orange Line cars, but the mix of the cheap floral in comparison to the piss (which I might add, came from quite a dehydrated person,) was enough to make your eyes water. I hope to not smell it again.