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âFuck you, Mr. Comedian, youâre hardly one to talk. I mean, what even is this print? It looks like youâre a degree of separation away from the Jungle Cruise.â Heâs beaming along with Zafar through the pseudo-insults, the kind of smile that leaves his cheeks a little sore. He always feels lighter when theyâre making each other grin like this, younger too, as though theyâre university students again, stealing quick kisses in the courtyards and holding back loud laughter in libraries.Â
Heâs fine with the silence that follows. Heâs a talker, that much is clear to anyone whoâs spent more than five minutes around Vir, but you learn to be comfortable in quiet moments after ten years with someone. He focuses on his Twix bar, munching on it with purpose, despite the vegan sensibilities sitting beside him. The spell is broken when Zafar speaks again. What are we gonna do with you? Like heâs a tub of toxic waste, something that needs to be discarded without poisoning too many others in the process.Â
Vir sighs as he leans into Zafarâs side, rests his head on the shorter manâs shoulder, keeps chewing as he thinks about what to say to that. âI started brainstorming some baby names, like you wanted me to,â he says. You need to start acting like this adoption process is real, Zafar had said to him, and god, Vir wishes he could. He pulls out his phone, swipes to the Notes app, and starts reading. âRight, so. For a girl, Iâm thinking we could do Mayonnaise, but just have everyone call her May, so she has to live with this dark secret all her life that sheâs named after the objectively worst condiment. We could do something similar with Liz and Lizard, but I donât know, feels a little lamer in my eyes. My other contending girl names are Gertrude and Bertha, simply because theyâre both horrifying, so our kid will have to try twice as hard to be half as liked. Builds character and all that.â He swipes to the next page in his Notes app. âOkay, next, for a boy. I immediately lean towards Ben, because when we first get the baby everyone will always be pestering us about how theyâre doing, so we can just keep saying âHeâs never Ben betterâ until eventually they stop asking. If that doesnât appeal to you, I also like Archie. I know what youâre thinking, and yes, that does mean we bite the bullet of his full name being Archibald, but it also means that if he becomes an archeologist we get to call him an archie-ologist, if he fosters a lifelong enemy then we get to say heâs an archie nemesis, and if he insights a world war we get to crown him an archie-duke. Thereâs like a dozen other Archie puns I have listed here, they really just write themselves.â He looks up at Zafar then, that previous smile back on his face, a kind of expectant expression accompanying it. âBut like I said, still brainstorming.â
He puts his phone away, goes back to leaning against Zafar. It feels good there, safe. He could stay here all night, happily, especially at the expense of the rum party. âIâve also been thinking that we should do dinner with the Starkes,â he continues, a little too-casual in his delivery. âAnd before you say no, think about it. You and I get a date night where nobody interrupts us to talk to you, I get to introduce Adam to spices beyond what you can find on Whole Foodâs center shelf, you and Hans can work through the angry sexual tension that clouds every interaction of yours. Thatâs three wins for the price of one, those are some âoffer you canât refuseâ kind of numbers.â
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One of Oliverâs worst traits is that when he cares about something, he doesnât know how to care about it casually. Every campaign he invests himself in is the most important campaign of his time, every political disagreement he has with someone reveals a fundamental flaw about his opponentâs character, and every cause he fights for somehow ends up being as crucial as life-or-death. His passion is righteous and furious, but itâs also intense and too-serious. It gets him stuck in his head, turns him obsessive, makes him believe that everything is razor-sharp in the face of this countryâs future.
Virâs never been like that. Vir can be cynical and defeatist, yes, but in the process of all of that he remains achingly human, able to laugh at the things that make him miserable and make Oliver laugh with him. It surprises a lot of people when Oliver says that one of the first things that drew him to Vir was his sense of humor, but at the end of the day Vir is funny, perhaps the funniest person Oliver knows. They compliment each other nicely, Oliverâs bleeding-heart vigor juxtaposed by Virâs âI donât know, have we asked the climate why it thinks it needs to change so badly? Thereâs probably some deep-rooted insecurities to dismantle thereâ.
âI think Iâm leaning towards Mayonnaise out of all of those. Hellmanâs would have to give us a lifetime supply of condiments for that, right?â he asks. âBut sure, letâs not cross any of them off yet. Gotta keep our options open.â He leans into Vir, putting his nose against his hair, breathing in the smell of pen ink and Trader Joeâs shampoo. âThanks for putting some thought into it,â Oliver murmurs softly. âI know itâs scary for you to consider right now, but youâre going to make a great dad. I really love you, our kid will too.â
As soon as thereâs a moment, the illusion is broken, as Oliver leans back out to fixate Vir with a look of disgust. âSure, let me think about it.â He pauses for all of five seconds. âNo, absolutely not. Why would I want to have dinner with the Google search result for âRich White Nepotism Babyâ and the man that confirms what Iâve been saying for years, which is that the Devil is, in fact, a capitalist?â Beat. âAnd I do not have angry sexual tension with Hans Starke. Itâs a very normal, very platonic anger that happens to have its tense moments.â











