McSqueeney's Magical Tendency

Taking a game about wizards as seriously as it needs to be taken.

[mcsqueeneys]

Werewolves to Tailors: Give Us Transformation-Friendly Autumn Looks

The werewolves of Kessig have delivered an autumn ultimatum to their tailors: give us fall fashions which are transformation-friendly while remaining en flic.

“It’s a real problem,” said Arlinn Kord, leader of the spokespack. “I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said, ‘well, I should probably transform and save those orphans from the gitrog monster, but I’m wearing my favorite skinny jeans, and I don’t know if I can find another pair.’”

Kord said that flashy-yet-flexible waistlines could save lives.

“In the time that it takes me to undress, there’s another orphan gone,” she said. “But what am I going to do, wear mom jeans? This isn’t just about looking fabulous over 40. It’s a public safety issue.”

The problem doesn’t just impact fashion, said Melena Marl, a denmother of 12. It also harms family finances.

“I have a whole litter to clothe and feed,” Marl said, “let alone saving for college. I can’t afford to buy 12 new sets of britches every time there’s a full moon. It’s not fair to working packmoms.” Her haberdasher’s bill, Marl said, is “murder on the budget.”

“We’re living in a new, enlightened age,” Kord said. “One where modern werewolves should be able to slay on the catwalk as well as in the forest. I shouldn’t have to choose between saving Innistrad or shopping at Lands’ End. I should be able to have it all.”

“I worked too hard to become the alpha,” Kord told the Guardian, “to have to dress like a basic bitch.”

[mcsqueeneys]

Realizing He Has Been Stood Up for Valentine’s Day, Living Guildpact Pretends He Always Meant to Dine Alone

As a stunned Jace Beleren realized belatedly that his Valentine’s date would not be joining him for dinner, sources told McSqueeney’s that the visibly-mortified Living Guildpact attempted to downplay the incident to restaurant staff by pretending that it was always his intention to spend the evening alone.

“Oh, crap – Vraska’s not coming, is she?” a startled Beleren was overheard to remark, while perusing the wine list at Chez Selesnié, a posh Third District eatery where he had reserved a romantic table for two. “I totally forgot about that whole memory wipe thing.”

When the waiter arrived bearing twin filets of indrik, served over whipped Simic potatocchini with a blue-wine demi-glace, the Living Guildpact was seen to redden briefly before claiming that he had ordered both entrées for himself, on the grounds that “I had a light lunch.” When the sommelier asked Beleren whether he still wanted two glasses with the bottle of Karlov Estates private reserve he had previously ordered, Beleren said he did. “On Mondays, I double-fist,” he said.

“I honestly forgot that Vraska forgot,” Beleren later told his Gatewatch colleagues. “We made plans all the way back on Ixalan – you have to book Chez Selesnié, like, a year in advance. Then one thing lead to another, and I erased her memory, and it didn’t occur to me to send her a save-the-date.” Beleren shook his head in disbelief, recalling the mix-up. “I even had Huatli write her a poem, and everything – do you know how hard it is to rhyme ‘Vraska?’”

When asked why he continued with the meal even after realizing he’d been stood up, Beleren said: “Have you seen the prices at that place? It’s, like, 17 zinos for a side of creamed saprolings! And you don’t even get bread! I mean, I wasn’t going to not eat both steaks. Besides,” Beleren added, “I was kind of rubbing it in Liliana’s face beforehand, about how I had a date, and I knew she’d be watching to see when I got back. So I finished the souffle-for-two and then walked along the Transguild Promenade for a couple hours, before going home at 2 in the morning. I slammed the door real hard, just to make sure Liliana heard.”

Beleren told McSqueeneys that he gave his doggie bag to Ajani, which the leonin resented.

“Do you think they bought it?” Beleren said. “I think they bought it.”

[mcsqueeneys]

Parhelion II Pilot Regrets Zombie Invasion, but Also Excited to “Finally See What this Baby Can Do”

While bemoaning the widespread damage and catastrophic loss of life caused by the God-Eternals’ invasion of Ravnica and the War of the Spark, Boros Lieutenant Aivia Gwint – who served as the Port-Side Sub-Thruster Second Engineer aboard Parhelion II for the flying battle fortress’s first-ever combat sortie – admitted afterwards to friends that she was secretly excited to “finally see what this baby can do.”

“I mean, don’t get me wrong, I wish the circumstances had been different,” Gwint told her surviving colleagues over drinks. “I wish we weren’t finally firing this baby up because the city was crawling with undead, and the streets were filled with corpses. Believe me, I wish this day had never come. But, holy moly, did you see how fast this sucker can go when we really let her rip?”

Gwint said that keeping the Parhelion II secret had been a daily challenge. “We had to just act like we were going to work everyday in some ho-hum foundry, and not sitting atop fifteen million pounds of pure, pulse-pounding thrust. Technically, I worked in the smithy. My pretend job title was Second Assistant Dagger Smelter. It sucked. I did not join the Legion to smelt daggers. I joined the Legion to fire a lux cannon with the power of a thousand-thousand suns. Hoo-wee, did you see what happened when we turned that sucker on? It’s going to take them years to fill that crater!”

While Gwint said she “obviously” is glad that Bolas and his eternals were defeated, and that order in the city has been restored, she said she also wouldn’t mind if the Legion used its flying death fortress more often, rather than waiting for another plane-wide catastrophe to redeploy the weapon. “I think Parhelion II can be a force for everyday good,” she told the Guardian. “And besides, did you hear those engines? Did you feel those thrusters? It’s enough to make an angel weep!”

[mcsqueeneys]

Retirement Party for Outgoing Living Guildpact Draws Record-Low Attendance, Despite Ice Cream Cake

Despite the provision of free snacks and boxed wine, the official retirement party for Ravnica’s outgoing Living Guildpact, Jace Beleren, was marred by record-low attendance, turning a would-be festive occasion into an awkward event.

“Gee, I’m glad I came back to Ravnica for this,” a visibly-miffed Beleren was overheard to remark, as he cut slices from a partially-melted ice cream cake in a mostly-empty conference room. “I mean, I know I wasn’t exactly the greatest Living Guildpact, or anything, but you’d think people would show up just for Fudgie the Octowhale?”

“Yeah, it got awkward,” acting Azorius Guildmaster and first assistant party planner Lavinia told colleagues after the event. “I mean, I knew it would be bad, but I didn’t know it would be that bad. All the other guildmasters clicked ‘maybe’ on the Evite, so I figured at least some of them would show? Emmara, maybe. Vraska, for sure. Even two would have been better than zero. Maybe Lazav was there? I guess we’ll never know.”

Making matters worse, Lavinia admitted to having faked most of the signatures in the outgoing Guildpact’s retirement card. “It was in the breakroom for a week!” Lavinia told friends at a much-better-attended afterparty. “A week! You don’t know how many e-mail blasts I sent out, saying ‘sign Jace’s going-away card!’ But someone just kept stealing the pens. Maybe Lazav? I guess we’ll never know.”

When asked by a reporter for comment, Golgari Queen (and Beleren’s current romantic partner) Vraska blamed her non-attendance on a mix-up. “I honestly thought it was tomorrow,” the gorgon said. “I told Lavinia not to book it on a Friday. I have roller derby on Fridays. Lavinia knows I have roller derby on Fridays.”

Asked if he had any regrets about missing the festivities, incoming Guildpact Niv-Mizzet told reporters: “Of course. I love ice cream cake.”

[mcsqueeneys]

Why Does Everyone Just Assume *I* Ate That Fish?

By Ajani Goldmane

First of all, we have very strict rules in this house about labeling your food. We have Post-It notes and Sharpies next to the fridge for precisely this reason. If Liliana thinks she can just leave her salmon salad in the fridge without putting her name on it, and that no one else is going to eat that moist, flaky salmon, then I don’t see how any of us can be held responsible for her neglectful oversight.

Besides, we all know that Jace throws out any unlabeled food when he cleans the fridge on Fridays, so, had person (or persons) unknown not eaten that (presumably) delicious salmon, it would have just gone to waste! And there are starving people in Sarpadia who would have been happy to have that salmon.

Think about that.

And why does everyone just assume that I ate that fish? Is it because I’m leonin? Because, frankly, that’s hurtful. I would have thought you were all above those sorts of ignorant, speciest stereotypes. May I remind you that I once had a very nurturing relationship with a nezumi? And you’ll notice that I hardly ever play with Liliana’s corset strings anymore, even though she leaves them dangling on purpose, just to troll me. I am not just an overgrown cat.

Finally, how do we know that Liliana didn’t eat that fish herself? Now, I’m not definitively saying that Liliana ate that sweet, succulent salmon, then tried to blame it on one of us, just to sow division within our ranks. But doesn’t that sound like exactly the sort of thing she’d do?

Food for thought.

[mcsqueeneys]

Orzhov Development Group Proposes Bolas Citadel Condo Conversion

Documents obtained by McSqueeney's show that the Orzhov Development Group — Ravnica’s largest private real estate consortium — has requested planning permission from the Azorius Board of Zoning and Approvals to convert the recently-abandoned Bolas Citadel into a mixed-use development with loft-style apartments, luxury condominiums, and 62,000 square feet of ground-floor retail space.

Contacted for comment, Tomik Vrona — Chief Advokist for the Orzhov Development Group — said in a statement: “Obviously, we deeply regret the loss of life and damage to property which accompanied Gateway Plaza’s sudden and unexpected redevelopment. And, if we could undo the past, we would. But what’s done is done, and what better way to ponder the folly of hubris AND honor the dead than by raising a drink atop our rooftop spa and tiki bar here at Bolas Landing, Ravnica’s most-exclusive address!”

Marketing brochures obtained along with the planning proposal describe the forthcoming development as a chance for inter-planar investors to: “Live at the heart of everything, with (newly) uninterrupted views and finishes fit for a God-King! Lazotep floors, dragon-height ceilings, and stainless-steel appliances are just some of the luxuries which await you at Bolas Landing! Within easy planeswalking distance of anywhere, Bolas Landing is the place to be! Amenities include fitness center, on-site dry cleaner, and our tastefully-landscaped Garden of Remembrance/full-service dog spa. Pre-leasing begins soon — reserve your apartment today!”

When asked whether the Orzhov Group was unfairly profiting from the greatest civic tragedy in modern Ravnican history, Vronik told reporters: “Of course not. In fact, the Bolas Landing development will include at least three specially-designated affordable units — two below the weight room, and one behind the trash compactor. And I want you to know that we’re not doing that because it allows us to exploit a loophole in the zoning ordinances which will expedite planning approval. It’s just our way of giving back.”

[mcsqueeneys]

An open letter to Taco Bell: "I don't think it's fair for me to be banned from your restaurant just because of that thing that I did in the bathroom"

By Chandra Nalaar

Dear Taco Bell,

I don’t think it’s fair for me to be banned from your restaurant just because of that thing that I did in the bathroom. I understand that some of the noises Nissa was making made your other customers uncomfortable, but I’m pretty sure that’s their problem, not mine. And I’m aware that the changing table was not designed to be used the way that we used it, but I told the manager I’d pay for the damage.

I mean, seriously – like THAT’S the worst thing that’s ever happened in one of your bathrooms.

And while I’ve got your attention, can we talk about your hot sauce? I mean, seriously, you call *that* “fire”??? Don’t make me laugh. Buddy, I know fire, and that ain’t it.

On Kaladesh, we don’t even have a word for how mild that is. Even Jace can eat it.

I could brush my teeth with your hot sauce, and I wouldn’t break a sweat. I could bathe in it, and I wouldn’t shed a tear.

(Mental note: Twitch stream where I play Persona 5 in a hot tub, only the hot tub is full of hot sauce. Or maybe save that one for OnlyFans?)

Anyway, your hot sauce sucks ass.

And how come the store closest to my apartment is always out of cinnamon twists? How hard is it to keep stocked with cinnamon twists?

Please don’t make me go to Chipotle.

Yours truly,

Chandra Nalaar

P.S.: I really like your Baja Blast. I made a scented candle for Nissa.

[mcsqueeneys]

I’m Not Saying that I’ll Kill You if You Get Me Books Again for Solstice, Instead of that Corset I Like. But, for the Record, I Take a Size 8.

By Liliana Vess Now, let me be clear: I’m not saying that I’ll kill you all if you get me crappy gifts again for solstice, instead of that corset I like.

But, for the record, I take a size 8.

I know, I know, I shouldn’t call all your non-corset gifts “crappy.” I’m sure that they were very thoughtful. Like that book that Jace got me last year. It certainly was a very heavy book, and it made a very satisfying sound when I hit him with it. You know what? I stand corrected. That was a very thoughtful gift. Thank you, Jace.

Did I mention I take a size 8?

Or, maybe you remember that juicer that Nissa got me? I mean, Nissa was right – I really don’t drink enough juice. And I’m sure that it was a very good juicer, for someone who only eats kale. But I think I’m going to need a bigger juicer – one with a little more horsepower – because that one crapped-out barely halfway through juicing Jace’s book.

Do juicers have sizes? Because I know my corset size is 8.

Still, it’s the thought that counts, right?

Oh, clumsy me! I seem to have dropped my copy of the Olivia’s Secret catalog, just now as we were talking! And – what a coincidence! – it seems to have fallen right open to the corset page! Wow, there really are some fantastic corsets in the Bruna’s Boudoir collection this year, aren’t there? I mean, I’m just digressing, here, but don’t you think that this particular model – that purple and gold one, with the black leather trim – would look absolutely devastating on me? And I have been needing a new corset, ever since Ajani chewed the laces on my old one. You know what? I’m just going to bookmark this page. For no reason. Just going to do it. I take a size 8, by the way. I’ll just set the catalog down over here, right next to this extremely-sharp knife. Say, did you know that the cabin locks on this skyship are really easy to pick? Like, REALLY easy? And that most of you are very sound sleepers?

Not that that has anything to do with anything, mind you. I’m just making conversation. I’m sure that whatever gifts you all choose to get me this year will be very, very… thoughtful. Remember: size 8.

[mcsqueeneys]

Massacre Girl's Guide to Holiday Doorbusters

By Massacre Girl

Look, I love a good deal as much as the next Rakdos, and there’s nothing that puts me in the holiday spirit quite like waiting outside someone’s door, busting in at midnight, and hearing the screams all around me.

Still, it’s important to not get carried away by the last-minute madness, and to shop smart this holiday season.

Luckily for you, your girl's here to help you get the most for your zib.

For example, let’s examine these “deals”:

Wursthof Gore-met 5-Piece Riteknife Set – 79.99 zibs @ Blood Bath & Beyond

A high-quality riteknife always makes a good gift – every Rakdos kitchen/torture dungeon needs one. But don’t be fooled by a famous brand – the Gore-met version is Wursthof’s budget line, and the compromises in quality are apparent. A 10-inch riteknife is the shortest length I recommend, but the model included with this set is a 7-inch weakling. Just try cutting through a femur with that! The only other cutlery is a 5-inch boning knife (no such unitaskers allowed in my torture dungeon, thank you very much!) and a pair of dishwasher-safe shears.

“But, Massacre Girl, where are the fourth and fifth pieces in this ‘5-piece set?’” you may well be asking. Well, apparently Blood Bath & Beyond counts both the block and the sharpening steel towards the total! So stay away from this so-called "deal" – the only thing this riteknife set will be murdering is your budget.

Black Apron 90-Day Trial – 49.99 zibs/month @ BlackApron.com

Meal kits may be all the rage, but color me skeptical of the trend. Black Apron recently made a splash with their celebrity endorsement by a certain well-known necromancer, and I can understand the appeal of raising your own undead without having to trek to the store. But, take away the famous name, and what you’re really paying for month after month are corpses and corpse dirt in a cardboard box. Now, if I need corpses, I’ll make my own corpses – and don’t get me started on the environmental costs of shipping dirt across the multiverse in a box!

Plus, read the fine print – once the introductory trial expires, you’ll be locked into a monthly contract which seems like it would be absolute murder to break.

Howl of Duty 666: Red/Black Ops – 39.99 zibs (with coupon) @ Maul-Mart

Sure, every Rakdos kid wants the new Howl of Duty, but there’s more to this “deal” than meets the eye. First of all, this coupon is only good for the X-Spell Box version – owners of SwitchBlade or SlayStation consoles are out of luck. And, besides, I’m worried about the effect these violent games are having on our youth. For starters, the online communities in these fandoms are just toxic. And, for another thing, I don’t want our kids sitting on the sofa all day, joining virtual clans, and pretending to murder virtual Azorius.

They should be playing outside, joining real gangs, and murdering actual Azorius.

[mcsqueeneys]

Cancel Culture has Gone Too Far – I Think I Deserve a Twenty-Second Chance

By Nicol Bolas

Look, I’m not saying that mistakes weren’t made. And I’m not saying that I don’t bear some non-zero amount of responsibility for some those mistakes. And, if anyone on Ravnica – or Amonkhet, or Skalla, or any one of the eighteen other planes that I harvested for power (or just for kicks) – may have misunderstood my intentions, then I’m sorry that they were offended.

But you know what? I like sparks. I do. I don’t think I’ve ever made any bones about that. (Other than the mountains of literal bones I have made about it, of course.)

And the idea that I should have to spend the rest of my life banished from the public sphere just because of one (or twenty-one) youthful (or not-so-youthful) indiscretions is – frankly speaking – grossly unfair. To me.

Cancel culture has gone too far. I think I deserve a twenty-second chance.

I mean, whatever happened to “innocent until proven guilty?” If any planeswalker out there can PROVE that I killed them and harvested their spark, let’s see them come forward with the receipts.

I like sparks, OK?

You know, if you stop and think about this from the right perspective, then I’m the real victim, here. Just because the politically-correct denizens of a couple (dozen) planes got all woke about my attempt to subjugate and/or exterminate all sapient life, suddenly I’m supposed to be hounded out of Magic? Just because a few millennial Gatewatch snowflakes couldn’t take a joke about having their sparks harvested, I’m supposed to spend the rest of my life trapped inside this fart box with Ugin?

What, am I never supposed to work again? Am I supposed to just disappear? What about MY livelihood? How is that fair to ME? How is that fair AT ALL?

Don't you people believe in twenty-second chances anymore???

I LIKE SPARKS!

Besides, you KNOW Magic still needs me. They’ve had twenty years to develop other villains, but who do they always come crawling back to when the going gets tough? This guy! Just you wait. As soon as you all get tired of Phyrexians again, who do you think is going to return as the Big Bad in War of the Spark 2: 2 Spark, 2 Furious?

Because it ain’t gonna be Sifa Grent, I can tell you that.

Whenever you’re ready to apologize, you’ll know where to find me.

[mcsqueeneys]

Sources: Despite Incessant Talk About CrossFit, Jace Beleren to Skip Leg Day for 172nd Consecutive Week

McSqueeney's has learned that former Living Guildpact and current Gatewatch deputy co-chair Jace Beleren will skip leg day for the 172nd consecutive week, despite what multiple sources have described as Beleren’s “incessant” talk about his devotion to CrossFit.

“It all started after Jace got back from Ixalan,” fellow Gatewatch co-chair Chandra Nalaar told reporters. “Apparently he spent a lot of time running around shirtless, and Vraska must have made a comment, or something, because, as soon as Jace set foot on the Weatherlight, he started making a big deal about how there weren’t enough free weights in the starboard-side gym, and he kept asking if anyone wanted to be ‘fitness buddies.’ I’ll admit, it was kinda funny at first, but now he won’t shut up about CrossFit, and frankly it's getting kind of sad.”

On-again, off-again Gatewatch member Nissa Revane confirmed that, while Beleren was present at both his Monday pilates class and a Tuesday hot yoga session, he was conspicuously absent from the gym on Thursday, which a posted schedule designates as leg day. “Jace always skips leg day,” Revane told reporters. “I haven’t seen him since that time he was trying to do barbell squats, and going on and on about CrossFit, until Gideon just walked over there and picked up the barbell with one hand. Like, Jace was THIS close to passing out, and then Gids just lifts that thing and twirls it over his head, like a drum major with a baton. I don’t think he was even trying to show Jace up – I think he was afraid Jace was having an infarction. Then, the Thursday after that, Jace made some excuse about tweaking his hammy.”

“I sorta figured that, with Gideon gone, Jace might start coming back,” Nalaar added. “But he hasn’t. He never misses hot yoga, though.”

Contacted by McSqueeney's about his decision to skip leg day, Beleren told a reporter: “I’m trying to focus on my core.”

[mcsqueeneys]

I Don’t Care What Nissa Says – I Can Taste the Kale

By Liliana Vess

Thanksgiving is the stupidest holiday. There, I said it.

You don’t get to dress up. Nobody gives you presents. The whole premise is based on a lie. And now I have to spend the whole day with these... people – these so-called “friends” of mine – and I’m supposed to be thankful for that? I spend most of the year being thankful that I don’t have to deal with you clowns. (Except when one of you comes to me on your knees, begging for a favor. That part is kind of fun.)

Can somebody please pass the stuffing?

I swear to all these ridiculous gods, if Jace doesn’t shut up about his new girlfriend, I am going to drown him in the gravy boat. It’s all, “Vraska this,” and “Vraska that” – somebody gag me with a spoon. And don’t think that I don’t know why he’s doing it, either. He’s trying to make me jealous. Well, good luck with that. I’ve moved on, blue boy. Chandra showed me how to use Tinder.

Can somebody please pass the cranberries?

I can’t believe I had to reanimate my family for this, too. There’s a reason I don’t usually invite my relatives to dinner, you know? And that reason is that I killed most of them. “Oh, but family’s important,” Ajani said. Yeah, well, he can’t say that I didn’t warn him. “They’re going to chew with their mouths open,” I said. “My zombie uncle’s going to say something racist,” I said. “Josu’s going to bite somebody,” I said. I hope he bites Ajani.

Can someone please pass the vegan turkey?

And I don’t care what Nissa says – I can taste the kale. Look at this – it’s ridiculous. I’ve survived thousands of years, I killed the multiverse’s most powerful demons, and here I am, eating a vegan turkey like a tree-hugging elf. Who do I have to kill to get some real food around here? There wouldn’t even be anything to drink, if I didn’t think to bring wine...

Can somebody please pass the pie?