seeing where he stopped, where his hand drifted to once it feel from her own, margot had to release a deep breath and prepare herself to dive back in. there weren't really photos in her apartment for a reason — far too many held horrible memories within them, captured for eternity, that she constantly associated photographs with her time in the cult. instead she scattered eclectic prints from various artists wherever the apartment felt necessary for decoration. it was a little maximalist, but it made her feel happy.
"i was born into it," her voice was steady as she began, eyes flicking up to meet his once more after picking out a few photos showcasing an infant, "i don't know if i mentioned that, but this was something that had been chosen for me." if she'd had the choice, they wouldn't be here. so the girl passed him the few in her hand after glancing at them, a bittersweet feeling captured within. "it's hard to separate feelings from when i was younger. i loved my parents," she still did, but it was hard to stomach, "they were adored on the commune, and i remember i was their pride and joy, put up on a pedestal by everyone while i was still theirs. i didn't know there's be a time when i wasn't. i wasn't aware there was an agreement in place from the day i was conceived that i didn't have a say in."
picking up a few more photos, she continued storytelling as she passed them his way. "up until i, uh, went through puberty?" they called it bleeding, but it seemed crass and quite embarrassing to speak about to gus, so margot phrased it as mild as she could. "it was good. i had everything i wanted for that i was aware of, and my parents treated me well. but they're trained to let you go when you reach that age. when girls reach that age. they're conditioned to cut ties completely, and have treated me as just another member since then. not their daughter." they didn't use their parental sway until she managed to run away. then they wanted to claim her again, or so their letters say. "we belong to those people in the orange-ish robes after that. they cut your hair, they question you and 'educate' you on what it's like to be a woman in the cult, what roles we now play and how we are all an extension of the religion itself, and that we should be honoured to play such an important part that the high ones chose specifically for us. that we'd be punished in unspeakable ways if we didn't obey. if we didn't please them."
"the other details are a bit more, uhm, crude, but i can talk about them if you'd like. but after that day, i wasn't my own person. i didn't quite know who i was until i got out, and even now, i'm still trying to figure that out."