i never seem to have the right words anymore.
I remember when writing was such a big part of my life. I would set some time aside when I was feeling stressed or overwhelmed to either come here on tumblr and write a private post or draft, or write in my moleskine. Writing doesn’t hold the same catharsis that it once did, and I can’t help but feel like you took that away from me.
This is a given, but as I grow older I become more aware of myself, my feelings, how I deal with things and how I react and approach everything in life. I can’t help but feel like I know that this has run its course, but something is stopping me from putting it to rest. I know a lot of things were/are my fault. I never said being with me was easy, to be with me and to love me is crazy. I’m too much and I’m a loose cannon. This is what I’ve learned from you. Not that I have a good heart, that I’m a good friend, but that I’m too much and I need to be tamed. I’m too much and too less of so many things and that gets tiring. You’ve caused me to question so many things in my life - my friends, my loyalty, and most importantly myself. I say most importantly, not because you’ve helped me realize things I never knew about myself, but rather you’ve made me feel that the who and how I am is not okay.
We’ll talk about it and you’ll say that’s not it you just want me to “think” a little more about things. It’s confusing because, then I think too much.
Do you know how sad it is to have come to a point in your life when you ~almost~ love yourself (because let’s face it, that’s a struggle to do every day) and the person who says he loves you comes in and turns that all around?
I shouldn’t let you or anyone have that affect on me, but here I am trying to be so perfect for you. Maybe this is just my problem in relationships, I try to fit where I can and lose pieces of myself. Now that I’ve tried to fit where I can and keep myself, it’s not right. It just doesn’t work. I don’t fit here. I don’t belong here.
You took one of my biggest sanctuaries away from me. I haven’t been able to comfortably write in years because it was no longer safe. You got at me for using my words, but this is me - this is how I process my feelings.
I will start writing again, and whether or not that is with you or without you is something I will no longer worry about.
