IT’S BETTER THAN A WAR. when year five hit, it came with so much dread. he tried not to speak about it, tried not to show the others in space that he didn’t want to return back to the ground, but he was hardly ever good at hiding his true feelings. who he was on the ground is not the boy he wanted to be anymore. back then, he had convinced himself that all the violence and the war was something they HAD to do, that they never had a choice in it. it was the only way he knew how to cope with all of it. but it’s different now. he has lost too much, too many people, too many parts of himself that he fears he can never get back. THERE IS A CHOICE, he sees that now —– it doesn’t always have to be them or us, it doesn’t always have to be KILL TO SAVE. he has to find a way to get back to the boy he was before coming back to the ground, despite knowing he will always be weighed down by these decisions ( he has to try. he can’t be this person anymore. )
❝ we’ve all made mistakes since coming down here. but that doesn’t mean we have to keep making them. ❞ words are more directed at himself than at her, a hand moving through his hair as he takes a deep breath. there’s a solution to this that doesn’t involve a war. there is a way to be BETTER than they had been six years ago. he has to give it a chance —— he can’t just throw himself back into the battlefield knowing there is another option. ❝ i think we have to give it a chance. i think we have an option that’s better than fighting a war that isn’t necessary. i think we have to try to be BETTER PEOPLE than this ground has let us be before. ❞ and he wants so desperately for someone else to agree. ❝ no one has to be STUCK there anymore. we can be free. but we don’t have to fight a war to do it. we can make this a real home. ❞
she feels the guilt heavy upon her shoulders : feels that if she could have done more , put more hours into trying to fix things in the bunker before it all went to shit , maybe more people would have survived the years inside it . maybe the situation wouldn’t have become so critical . maybe more people wouldn’t be so damaged . maybe more people wouldn’t have become who they now were . there are so many maybe’s running through her mind , constantly , there’s no room for healing or grief . there’s no time for it . six years in the bunker where violence was the way of surviving , no time to sit down and think : it wouldn’t be easy to turn now . 𝐍𝐎𝐓 𝐀𝐅𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐑𝐘𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐘 𝐇𝐀𝐕𝐄 𝐃𝐎𝐍𝐄 .
the ground . that’s the dream . for so long she had believed that with all her heart , it’s what they had worked towards for so long . now being here : it didn’t feel like that anymore . it was a nightmare there was no waking up from .
once upon a time she would have shared monty’s philosophy . a better world for everyone , fighting for a world where violence was not the answer , no wars and no looking over your shoulder . where they did better than those before them , for her daughter , for those who came after . but it felt hopeless now , everything did and it had done for a while now . & bitterness was a powerful fuel when bottled up for years . ❛ i hear what you’re saying , monty . i do . but this place . . . it’s nothing but a graveyard . filled well up to the brink . it could never be home . ❜
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