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Grantaire makes the best pillow after a long night at the bar
for @p-trichor <3
I don't believe Aziraphale had a choice. I don't believe Aziraphale felt he had a choice.
He was offered one of the highest positions of power in the universe. Literally. The same universe where he has been afraid since before the beginning of losing what he loves most. Their entire existence something has been hanging over their heads whether it's heaven casting you out, hell torturing or destroying you, you destroying yourself, or the end of the world. They've always been afraid of losing one another.
Then, Michael, after Gabriel and beelzebub have left, decides that she has the power of erasing Aziraphale/Crowley from the book of life. That because she is the duty officer she's next in line for the Supreme Archangel position.
But instead it's offered to Aziraphale.
Now he sees that maybe he can save the world and change the universe so that finally, finally his beloved is safe for real. That he can finally let himself get close, let himself love crowley. That they can finally be together. Safe.
But crowley says no. Crowley doesn't want him to go and doesn't want to go with him and aziraphale doesn't get it because 'we could make a difference' isn't that what you want? He's slipping away from Aziraphale so suddenly and he's trying to hold on trying all his tricks of getting crowley on board and nothing is working and suddenly he's kissing him.
Suddenly the silent, unspoken words are screaming at him and he doesn't know where to go from here. Crowley is all he's ever wanted and it's all out on the table and he wants to stay.
But if he does Micheal might be Supreme Archangel. Or someone worse. Someone who doesn't want to make heaven better. Who won't allow he and crowley to be together. Who might push them back to how they were before. The arrangement, hidden glances, the briefest of touches, closet door shut tight.
No.
He will do this. He will prove it to himself. To heaven. To hell. To humanity and to Crowley that he will literally move heaven and earth to love him out loud.
But he has to let go of Crowley to do that.
One advantage Crowley has in this ineffable divorce over Aziraphale that may not be apparent at first glance since we're all, rightly so, really feeling for Crowley after his confession is this:
Crowley is able to go back to his flat (presumably) and be on his own. They can do whatever they need in order to process what's just happened. He can wallow, shout, scream, drink himself into oblivion or just go to sleep. Whatever they need to do, they can.
Aziraphale can't.
If I were Metatron/Heaven, I would not let this newly appointed Supreme Arch Angel, who has a history of not exactly toeing the company line, have a moment to himself. At least not for a long while.
I don't think Aziraphale would be able to have a moment to truly process what's happened or be able to work through his fresh emotional bruises for who knows how long. Meanwhile he's having to essentially mask in order to ingratiate himself back into a life in Heaven, in a role he never wanted and was thrust upon him with barely a chance to catch his (metaphorical) breath. Which would have been bad enough without the added collapse of a 6000 year relationship with the being you unequivocally love.
And he won't be able to do anything to mentally address all this.
He won't have access to his books, sushi, chateauneuf du pape, basically anything that could potentially help him through this. He just has celestial harmonies.
What's also struck me about the depictions of Heaven that we've seen is that it's just a big open space. Nowhere to hide. No bathrooms you can go have a little cry in and walk out of after you've taken a deep breath and collected yourself.
I think a moment that would be truly heartbreaking in s3 would be if we see Aziraphale maybe actually finally have a moment where he's completely alone onscreen, or where he thinks he's alone, and he just takes a big shuddering breath, and actually allows himself to feel the emotions that he's been keeping inside for who knows how long.
As someone who has to mask a lot, especially at work, the thought of being unable to have a moment to myself genuinely terrifies me. Which is probably why this thought really got to me.
Guardian of humanity
I love this image. Take a good look at it.
This is exactly who Aziraphale is.
And this is why the Aziraphale hate annoys me so much. Look at him. The instant he realized just how much danger everyone was in, Aziraphale's first and immediate instinct is to protect the humans by acting as a shield between them and the demons outside.
Aziraphale was involved in the creation of humanity. We learn this when Aziraphale is talking to angel Crowley before the beginning of time.
Aziraphale just witnessed Crowley create something beautiful, but when Aziraphale spoke of God's plan for the people, Crowley told him the plan was idiocy.
(And I'm in no way saying Crowley's disappointment and irritation wasn't valid because I would have been pissed too; the point is that this is the first time Crowley basically referred to Aziraphale as an idiot. I find it interesting that no one ever questions how Aziraphale feels every time Crowley insults his intelligence.)
Y'all, Aziraphale is like five seconds away from demanding an audience with God by the time we reach present day.
Okay, I've been going into a meta deep dive, and after reading a bunch I had an evil little thought. (This post, and this post were major influences). If Aziraphale believes Crowley should not have fallen, and he believes that he is in fact responsible for his fall, does he believe he should have fallen instead? Furthermore, what if he’s right? Stranger mix ups have happened before.
On the Bookshop, the Concept of Home, and Going Too Fast
So, weirdly enough, I want to start with a scene that has very little to do with the actual Bookshop: 1967. We get Crowley planning a heist and being interrupted by an angel clutching a thermos full of holy water and promising that someday, maybe, they could let themselves have the life they want together. And we get that line. You know the one. You go too fast for me.
This one line of dialogue went a very long way to cementing the fanon perception of their roles in the relationship as we've largely been shown them - Crowley gently pushes and gives Aziraphale space to slowly feel comfortable setting his own boundaries or adjusting his worldview. And I’m not saying this is wrong - it’s definitely what we're primed to expect in their pattern - but I do think it ignores a fairly common variation of their pattern. See, sometimes, Aziraphale is actually the faster of the two of them - he's just not quite as flashy about it.
Crowley very rarely actually does any pushing without getting some kind of signal from Aziraphale first. Aziraphale, whether consciously or otherwise, quite frequently is the player making the first move on their metaphorical chess board. We see that he's the first to push for them to work together in the story of Job. We see that he's the first to invite Crowley to socialize together in Rome. We see as early as the Globe that Aziraphale has discovered and weaponized how to ask Crowley for things with a simple look and that Crowley has gotten very good at reading those asks. We actually see this dynamic in real time as Aziraphale drops signals to Crowley on how he should form his deception of the angels in the Book of Job. Even the Arrangement itself is something Crowley doesn't push for until he knows explicitly that Aziraphale isn't happy with the terms of his work. In other words, Aziraphale sets a cue, Crowley picks up on it and adapts.
So what does this have to do with the Bookshop?
Well. The Bookshop is a prime example of Aziraphale getting there faster. Because the bookshop, whether he knows it at the time or not, is absolutely a nest.
Nesting is behavior typically associated with birds, but is actually something lots of animals do. Even humans exhibit this behavior to some degree. It’s functionally gathering a bunch of stuff to create a safe, comfortable place, typically constructed for the purpose of raising children or attracting a mate. In other words: the creation of a home.
Because the Bookshop is their home. It is their safe space and sanctuary. It is a space for them to meet and just Exist without worrying about being seen. A home base where they can just Be themselves. It’s a constant in a world ever shifting around them. It’s a place for them to come back to. A place that will always be waiting for them both. And a place that they both have to be able to check in on each other. This is why the Bookshop burning hit as hard as it did. Their home was destroyed in fire and flame. And they both know it. Every expression and shift in tone when they talk about it speaks to the gravity of that loss - even if it was only temporary. And I think it was always intended to be just that on some level from the very start.
So timeline wise the closest scene we know about to Aziraphale starting his plans for the shop is the scene at the Globe. This takes place in 1601 and features the two of them being very conscious of being seen and the potential consequences thereof. They pick going to the Globe expecting it to be busy enough to blend into the crowd and Aziraphale's objection re the Arrangement has shifted onto the idea of Hell destroying Crowley.
It is less than a century later that Aziraphale buys the land that will eventually become the bookshop. In 1630 he purchases the land with his own money. That’s his money. Money that he made mostly the human way. Although this space would eventually become an embassy to Heaven it was made via earthly means. It’s his, not Heaven’s. Less than 30 years after we first see them express concern for how dangerous it would be to be seen Aziraphale starts making a space for them to retreat to.
And he does it slowly. He spends decades slowly buying up the land in the area. In fact, it’s nearly 200 years before the Bookshop will be ready to open. By the time we hit the Bastille, he’s clearly decided on a bookshop and has clearly told Crowley all about it. They’re comfortable with each other and already trust each other to a frankly absurd degree. Aziraphale risks discorporation on the sure thing that Crowley will know he’s in danger and come save him just because he wants to see him. In other words, by the time they’re at the point where they’re making elaborate excuses to see each other, Aziraphale is less than a decade away from naming the home he has been carefully making for himself A.Z. Fell and Co.
The and Co is important here for obvious reasons. We all know there’s only one person that it could be referring to. Even as Aziraphale is still denying that they are friends, he is plastering the idea that they are a unit all over the front door of his home long before even he realizes that what he is feeling for Crowley is love.
This is part of why the conversation about ‘our car, our bookshop’ comes much easier to Aziraphale. And it is an easier jump for him to make. He's the one that brings it up and he does it quite casually. He's testing the waters a bit, but is confident the conversation will go his way. Of course we have a car. Just as we have a bookshop.
The thing is I don't think Crowley ever really got that memo on a conscious level. We can see his relationship to the shop shift in the way he moves around the shop shifts over time. The earliest we see him in the shop itself is 1941. It's night time which gives the whole thing a bit of clandestine air, which is fitting for where they're at on the timeline. He stays mostly in one spot in his shots here, sort of hovering about the shop not getting too close to Aziraphale but not drifting out on his own either. He also stays as close to sitting normally as we tend to see Crowley ever sit and his glasses stay on. Which that's not to say he doesn't relax at all. He takes off his hat and make himself comfortable and, most telling, doesn't bother with fixing his glasses when they slip off his nose. He's comfortable and familiar here but it's in a strained sort of distant way. There's trust there, for sure, but he is clearly a visitor in this space.
The next we see of Crowley in the shop is the mid 2000s. It's still night time. His glasses stay on until he's drunk and the he takes them off of his own accord. He moves about the shop, touching various objects and leaning against various pillars and shelves and furniture. He's more comfortable here, but he still he needs a bit of alcohol in his system to get there.
We then see him briefly in the daytime after they realize they have lost the Anti-Christ. The glasses stay on here and alcohol is notably present. And then we do not see him in the shop again until it is burning. All and all most our shots of the bookshop from season one are Aziraphale alone moving about his space. We know Crowley's there enough that his smell lingers in the place, but we don't actually see that much of it beyond those first tom scenes.
Season 2 couldn't be more different in this regard.
Crowley moves in and out of the bookshop as it suits him. At one point he wanders off in the middle of Aziraphale zoning out in a memory without bothering to shake Aziraphale out of it. We even get him doing what is functionally a bird courtship dance right here in the middle of the shop. Aziraphale in turn takes active steps to get Crowley into the shop whether it's leaving him to watch it while he's gone or suggesting that Crowley likes waiting in the shop for him - a thing Crowley does not outright deny beyond objecting to Gabriel's presence there.
And we get a lot of Crowley in the shop this season- both with and without Aziraphale. And regardless of Aziraphale's presence, Crowley's behavior doesn't really shift too much. He's moving around the shop far more that we've ever seen him historically and he spends half that time sprawling on the furniture like it's his.
And, of course, nearly every time we see him enter the Bookshop to engage with Aziraphale, the glasses come off.
He lets his face stay exposed in the shop, even eventually in front of Gabriel. The only other place we've ever seen him take his sunglasses off by his own choice are in his own flat or when he's trying to make a point about his own nature. Even when he's engaging with Hell, so long as he's not grabbed unexpectedly, he has them on. Crowley wears them around people well before sunglasses had technically even been invented. But not here. Not anymore. Not in this story that is framing the bookshop as a literal safe haven.
Even the palette for the Bookshop this season speaks volumes. Now Season 1 in general is a little grayer than Season 2 (this is in part because of the general aesthetics of when they were made and in part because of the difference in tone between the two seasons) and it's very very noticeable in the shop itself. Here's some side by sides of similar areas of the shops between two seasons, I bet you could guess which was which based on the colors themselves.
The palette season 1 suits Aziraphale just fine. It's more neutral tones like he tends to favor on himself. It's still cozy but in a dusty sort of way. The palette of season 2 is warmer. Less white and more orange to the point where even the pillars holding up the bookshop are more vibrant. There's more natural light and we see it more often during the day. It's a warm, shared, space now. They both get plenty of use out of it.
And Crowley now looks like he fits there too. The shift in his palette makes him feel in conversation with the bookshop in a way his season 1 red can't quite mesh with the more washed out palette. I won't repost all these images I was going feral over last night but you can find a lot of shots of him in the shop windows here that really show the ways he works with the colors of the shop.
So why hasn't Crowley moved in officially if he's practically done so already?
Because this is their whole problem in a nutshell. It's a prime example of the way their pattern doesn't work anymore. It's not built for a world like this. Its built for a world where they have to hide and make excuses. And while being free of that is objectively good it also means they have none of that to hide behind anymore. Subtext doesn't have to be subtext anymore and that can be as scary as it can be exciting. Freedom from things like Heaven and Hell can be hard when that's all you've ever known. This is all new territory for them. The meaning of what home can be to them shifts a lot in a space where they can more or less do as they like.
Aziraphale doesn't need to be indirect about what he wants anymore but can't quite figure out how to be more direct in the asking. He's ready but can't quite parse how to say that out loud. Or why he would even need to when he's been saying it quietly for more than a century. He built a shop full of human knowledge into a safe haven for the demon that fell for asking questions. He invited Crowley into the shop on day one, just like everything else he loves. He's already left the door open for Crowley to come and go as he pleases and as far as he's concerned Crowley has already half moved in anyway. From his perspective he's already set a large blinking neon sign up that says 'this is your home too'.
Crowley, for his part, can't read this cue. Not without thinking about going to fast or starting a battle with his own sense of self worth. He's been in keep them alive mode for so long I'm not even sure he really knows how to let himself have needs outside of that on any conscious sort of level. There's nowhere to push if you don't have an endgame. And even if he did have one the last explicit boundary he had established by Aziraphale was telling him to slow down.
But I do think they both realize this. Crowley grumbles about what's the point from the start of his first scene and of course eventually does take a shot at expressing his wants. Aziraphale's fixation on the Ball comes into play here too. He says they allow humans to realize they have misunderstood each other and that they're actually in love. Which is just flat out their whole problem summarized for us nice and neatly.
They're not understanding each other. They haven't had the conversations they need to have. But they are trying. They still trying, even if they don't understand the ways each other is doing so. And at the end of this season even as they are separated again, the nest still stands. And, maybe the next time we get to see them, they'll decide it's in good hands right now and start building another nest together in in South Downs, but, no matter what, the shop is still home. And even if it is a place they have lost each other twice, there is no doubt in my mind that it is a place they will find each other again.
It's so hard to see any sort of positivity right now on youtube, twitter, tumblr, etc. Its really starting to fuck me up. I'm really sad. I wanna take a break especially from fandom, but its my main source entertainment, I don't really know what to do.
Sounds like you're quite the fuck-up, pal. Yes, I am. And I'm alone.
Finding it interesting that Ed can read other pirates like a book, but Stede is like a locked and sealed volume hidden in a chest under the floor to him.
Ed says of Ned "it's usually a family thing" and yet never once sees that in Stede. Likewise, with Mary and Anne, "I can see what they're doing. This is a game to them".
I suspect part of it is that he doesn't think it's possible Stede could be like them, that he also has some kind of trauma. "You've got it all figured out", he says, never noticing how Stede flinches. A lot of it comes from Stede making very conscious decisions to bottle things up and stiff-upper-lip his way through a lot of stuff.
What Ed sees as whimsical lunacy is actually Stede's desperate need for acceptance and approval as himself. His eccentric behaviour seems more like a charming quirk than a sign of some deeper trauma there. He literally runs headlong into dangerous situations, including piracy itself, because whatever he left behind was so much worse for him.
It's very clear Ed didn't hear him when Stede said he very much knew what it felt like, treading water, waiting to drown, because Ed was too caught up in venting about his life being boring to the first person who showed an interest.
In S1, Stede actively never voiced his concerns - the one time he did briefly lose his temper (after Jack pissed on his shoes), the next thing he knows, Ed is leaving him with that same man. The minute a figure from his past points out all his sins, his self-assurance cracks like glass.
In S2, that fear is still there: the fear of not being enough and that Ed will have a better and happier life without him.
His wife moved on in his absence and found a better life without him. Now, the first time he's been able to stand his ground, do what his father always told him was "a man's work", and slept with the man he loves, he's being told it was "a mistake". Which isn't what Ed is saying, but no doubt it's what Stede hears because it's the lesson beaten and stoned and snarled into him his entire life.
The fact that Ed does have these blank spots about Stede's past is causing a lot of the trouble in their miscommunication. Ed needs to know him if they're going to get anywhere, just as he needs to know Ed and I'm so curious about how they're going to do it.
I need Stede to cry. Like really cry. That man has been holding in his problems for so long, he’s going to explode at some point.
Wait, wait, wait. What if the torturing in the next episodes, ends up triggering Stede and he finally has to talk about Chauncey?
I've read all the spoilers although I haven't watched the new episodes yet, will someone please tell me if Stede has told ANYONE about Badminton holding him at gun point?
No.
My theory, based on things he's said and done, but still just a theory?
He doesn't think it's relevant. I feel like he's one of those guys who will excuse anything in others but feels like there is absolutely no excuse for anything he's done.
I was guessing he didn't. Especially with how I've seen Lucius treating him, ugh it hurts my heart.
And I 100% agree with you. Our man is so repressed he's repressing his repression. I think at the same time, he just doesn't want to talk about it. He doesn't want to acknowledge it, cause then he'll have to think about it, and it's too much.
I've read all the spoilers although I haven't watched the new episodes yet, will someone please tell me if Stede has told ANYONE about Badminton holding him at gun point?
Every person hoping that Aziraphale will to have to do the apology dance 1000 times and grovel and beg for forgiveness, I hope you understand that Crowley would hate that so much. He’d probably threaten you for even suggesting such a thing. That is not who they are, and most importantly, while Aziraphale says he’s full of forgiveness, Crowley has shown he’s full of forgiveness over and over again. It’s in his nature. It’s part of why he hung back and waited until Aziraphale got on the elevator. He’s still there for Aziraphale, but he won’t follow him this time.
yknow I think this is a conversation a large portion of this fandom is not ready for but truly we really do need to start addressing crowley's anger issues and the way he treated aziraphale throughout this season before we can even begin unpicking why aziraphale would choose to leave him like that
like it's soooooo easy for us to be angry with aziraphale and call him unreasonable and stupid, and it's so easy for us to see crowley as the misunderstood hero, the jilted love interest, at the hands of aziraphale, because we know everything crowley knows, and we also understand why he's so quick to anger regarding anything concerning heaven or hell or aziraphale's involvement with such, but aziraphale doesn't. aziraphale doesn't understand why crowley blows up at him with no warning every time he involves himself with heaven's goings-on. aziraphale doesn't get why crowley has been so on edge and miserable this whole time. because crowley won't fucking talk to him. he just gets angry, makes aziraphale feel small and stupid for trying to do good, without explaining that it's because he's scared and he's trying to protect him. he refuses to be honest with aziraphale about his own fears and vulnerabilities and is so determined to keep aziraphale innocent of all the truth about heaven that he never says a word, never voices how scared he is for him, and then gets angry with him when he makes "wrong" decisions as a result of that not knowing. we all know why crowley holds onto so much rage and resentment towards heaven, but aziraphale doesn't. all he sees is someone whom he expects to support him put him down constantly, be consistently exasperated with him, make him feel unheard. literally all the things that alienated him from heaven and other angels in the first place. I can guarantee aziraphale would not have seen heaven as his only option in that moment if crowley hadn't immediately exploded at him rather than just trying to discuss this sensibly with him. we know why crowley reacted the way he did, and so can understand his pain and recognise him as a victim in this scenario, but aziraphale doesn't know the half of it! because crowley has intentionally hidden shit from him for years! the way he shows his concern is so unproductive it's painful to watch. all of that fear and desperation to protect aziraphale only manifests as misdirected anger at him when it matters most, and all it does is push aziraphale further away, makes him less willing to comply, makes him feel like he's just being bent to someone else's will all over again, and he can't fucking understand why crowley is being like this with him, and it absolutely contributed to his decision to leave crowley behind. as easy at it would be to make aziraphale out to be the bad guy here, it's still so important to acknowledge just all the ways crowley drove aziraphale further into heaven's arms all on his own.
he led them to wine and they led him to joy 🥹
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