Gathering Gratitude
As my first 1/8 of Med School comes to an end I thought it'd be interesting to see how my feelings have changed since the beginning.Ā
A reflection from a school project, written a few weeks ago:
The stress of anatomy and transitioning to med school really caught me off guard. I thought of Anatomy as being a matter of staying on top of the work and putting in the time, and talking with second years pretty much gave me the same impression, that it was difficult but doable. What I didnāt count on was how being expected to learn such a large volume of material at such a constant, rigorous pace would be utterly exhausting. I also didnāt count on the fact that Iād find a lot of the material uninteresting, that while it was easy to see how this material would be important to clinical care, it was hard to stay interested when there werenāt many clinical cases to associate things with, as there currently are in our Bchem/CellBio/Gemetics course.Anatomy was an era of 9-5 school days filled with a constant stream of dry anatomical facts, several hours filled with often unfulfilling manual labor working through fat and fascia, and almost weekly exams. I realize now that I was more exhausted by Anatomy than I thought I was at the time.
I didnāt realize how severely limited my time would be in the midst of Anatomy and the lack of time was something that I had difficult handling. I had free time for the essentials such as cooking for myself and exercising, but beyond that, it was hard for me to balance leisure time with time that could be spent doing anatomy related work, which there was always more left of than there was time. More origins and insertions, more study guides, more radiology slides. This idea of there always being more material to learn than I have time for is something that Iāve come to terms with since, (I think), but at the time it was still a foreign concept to me, that it would actually be impossible for me to learn everything that we were introduced to in the course, that this was just the nature of the beast.
Luckily, since anatomy has ended, Iāve had more time, and Iāve been able to explore areas of medicine that excite me. Iāve had time to volunteer and run clinic at one of our community health clinics, helping provide care to underserved women. Iāve had time to attend my first med school conference, the Med Students for Choice Conference on Family Planning, where I had the opportunity to hear physicians speak on their experiences providing abortions and helping women manage their reproductive health, attended workshops on clinical skills such as abortion counseling. Womenās health and reproductive justice have long been passions of mine, and influenced my decision to pursue a career in medicine. I had previously attended a conference on these topics, but from an activist perspective. To attend a conference on these topics from a future health providerās perspective was so exciting for me and being surrounded by like minded individuals was invigorating. Iāve also been enjoying Clinical Skills, especially the resident experience and standardized patient interviews. I really wish these were things we participated in more often than every other week because I Ā feel that I really thrive off of the patient interaction.These experiences have rekindled that fire in me that drove me to pursue a career in medicine by making patient care seem more and more of a reality, one that seemed so distant back in anatomy.
Iāve also had more time to self reflect, more than I did when I was feeling especially stressed out during anatomy. The image of Dr. Oās Ā ābasket of gratitudeā Ā really stuck with me and weeks ago I set out on a project that simultaneously fulfilled my arts&crafts needs and my emoti-reflective needs:Ā The Jar of Gratitude.
1 glass jar ā preferably a large one, such as the kinds that tomato sauce are packaged in
Squares of paper in a variety of colors and textures.
At the end of each day, I fill out 2-3 squares with things that Iāve been grateful for that happened that day and place it in said jar. As the weeks go on, and whenever Iām feeling particularly down or simply unmotivated, I reach in, grab a square and read it. It has helped to re-inspire me, sometimes more so than others. Itās a pretty literal take on Dr. Oās concept but it works for me, as the colored squares are pleasant to look at and the accumulation of all the squares in the jar reminds me of all that I have to be grateful, makes my gratitude seem far more tangible and colossal than if they were simply thoughts in my head or a list of words in a journal. Iām hoping that they still have the power to evoke gratitude as things (inevitably) get busier and more challenging.
Ultimately, when I look back on Fall Quarter Dr. Oās reminder of finding gratitude on a daily basis is one thing that has had a real impact on me. Being reminded of and reflecting on the things I have to be grateful for, such as the opportunity to learn from a body during anatomy, the privilege of listening to a patientās story at a free clinic, the experience of being surrounded by so many talented, collaborative colleagues, the fact that I have been given the chance to be a physician, makes this whole experience feel worthwhile, exciting, and inspiring once again.