A Gay Mormon Experience: My Coming Out
My friend suggested that I come on Tumblr so that I can share my coming out experience.
As a member of the Mormon community and also married for 17 years and a father of five children, it was not an easy leap to make. In fact, the decision to come out to my ex-wife and kids was not mine. In a rather heated argument about a friend coming to visit in the summer of this year, she asked, "why, of all people is he coming to visit you!"
I was silent. I could have said, because he is a friend or none of your business because we are divorced, but instead I said, "because I have come to the realization that i am gay."
She screamed down the phone all manner of insults and attacks. The last thing she said to me was, "I am going to tell you entire family and have fun with that!" She slammed the phone down. Well she hit the button to turn off the phone. But I bet she slammed it afterwards.
She then told my children. They are ages 17 down to 10. She also stormed over to my aging mother's house and yelled at her that I ruined her life, that my mother raised a cheat, a liar and a coward and that I was gay and does not deserve any respect. she also did this with my sister.
I was able to tell my other sister and brother as they live many miles away.
The incident that made me come to the realization that I was gay was a simple glance. Realization is the word I used at first, I know now that that is not entirely correct. But at the time it was the closest I come come to. Acceptance of who I am maybe better.
I am a teacher in a remote Northern Ontario community. Every two weeks we have a farmer's Market where fruits and vegetables fly and and we get them at a much cheaper cost than at the grocery store.
I was standing in line and beside me was a guy and we started talking. In my head I thought, "man, he is cute." Normally if these thoughts popped in my head I would quickly push them away, sing a church hymn and then go back to my house and start praying for forgiveness of the thoughts that passed through my mind. I had had these thoughts before, I accept that and each time it happened I went through the same process. I did not want to be gay I did not feel I was gay. I saw these events as temptations that if I overcame them I would be stronger and closer to my wife and my Father in heaven.
This time however, I did not do the guilt thing I did for most of my life. I allowed myself to think that this guy I was talking to was a good looking guy. As he spoke i wondered what his lips would feel like to kiss. He eyes sparkled when he smiled and I loved how a dimple came to his face when he did smile. I really fancied him.
I got home and I panicked. I should not be thinking this way. I need to repent. All my feelings of guilt and loathing came in and then I stopped and thought, "No." I do not to feel bad for these thoughts. I allowed my self to just enjoy that fact that someone I just met made me feel this way and it was a guy.
I got on Facebook and spoke with a missionary companion who came out while he was on his mission. I told him how I felt and also that I thought I was gay. We talked for over an hour. It was so good to talk to someone. I had been bottled up for so long, the more i spoke with him the more I realized how far back these feelings went.
He ended that particular conversation with an invitation for him and his partner to come over and visit in the summer. I said that I needed to see if my ex could look after the kids. That is where the whole situation of being forced out of the closet happened.
After the phone conversation with my ex I went over to my friends house and cried into her arms like a baby. Well more like a bumbling idiot. I couldn't speak as the sobs overwhelmed me. She held me tight and hugged me so hard I eventually calmed down. She say me down on the sofa and asked,"What's wrong?"
"I am gay. I just told my ex that I am gay. I didn't know. I didn't know. I don't know!" I started crying again. I had so many thoughts running through my head about who I was and who I am now. All the accusations that she threw at me where they true? Was I a liar and a cheat and a coward? I did not know yet what I was. All I knew was that I had just come out to my best friend and that is how it should be done. I felt trust, love and compassion for my soul and well being. Not the bullying from anger and malice and hatred that forced me to tell my ex long before I WAS READY TO COME OUT.
I know she has been hurt and she feels betrayed. I get all that. But I was not expecting her to be so vindictive as to tell my family in such a horrible manner. Or my friend in the south for that matter.
Over the next few day I started to spiral down into a depression that I felt I could not get out of.
tangentwithtanner
ellievsbear
discoholicmusic
theartofmadeline
turnnoffyourmind
origamiaround
areudirty
pixelskylines
kianamaiart
gracieabrams