Rambling - Living An Authentic Life
I guess this post is in lieu of the last one that I posted yesterday about self-compassion. This is a topic that I have always struggled with, and for the past couple of days it’s hitting me harder than ever, and I don’t exactly know why.
Tonight it’s been hitting me again; the thoughts of inadequacy, not feeling good enough. Thus, here I am. Jotting these thoughts down in hopes to make some sense out of it. And perhaps to spur a conversation about it. Maybe talking about it with various people will help? I don’t know... But here we go.
These past few years have been the best years I could have ever asked for. I really can’t ask for more. I’m so grateful for everything and everyone. And yet I’m sitting here with lingering thoughts of inadequacy; thoughts that tell me that I’m not enough, or not cool enough to hang out with the crowd of friends that I have been so blessed with. Thoughts that are so trivial, like “Oh God, that one time they didn’t laugh at my joke, so they must think I’m stupid,” or “Why did you talk too much that one time? Keep your mouth shut!”
Even as I type this out, I’m thinking “Somebody’s gonna think I’m weird” or “Somebody’s gonna think that I’m wanting attention,” which I can assure you that’s not the case.
See? Right there. That tiny paragraph above this one is pretty much what goes on in my head during these “moments of shame” (this is what Brene Brown calls it in The Gifts of Imperfection, the book I’m reading). The constant need to defend myself (”I’m not doing this for attention, I swear!” or “I’m not weird, I promise!”), the constant need to choose my words/actions carefully so as to not seem weird/fit in.
And then when all is said and done, I beat myself up for being “too fake.” And it all goes downhill from there.
Even in moments of triumph, all of this happens.
I recently made my professional debut in a show called Paint Your Wagon. It was an absolute dream come true. I was performing at the theater where I’ve always gone to see shows. I was working with people that I have seen perform on that stage; people that I’ve idolized; people that have been on Broadway. I was getting paid. And then we took the show out to St. Paul, Minnesota. One of the most surreal and memorable experiences of my life. But during that time period, I was hesitant on talking about it too much, because I didn’t want anybody to think that I was bragging. And when I did talk about it, I did what I have always done: choose my words carefully and make EVERY EFFORT to express gratitude and humbleness, all the while not seeming like a douchebag. I did the same in front of my cast mates; because they were people that I have looked up to (and still do), I needed to try and not freak out. I chose my words and actions carefully. As time went on, I warmed up to them and finally let go of those restrictions. But even then, as I had mentioned in the previous post, one of them saw through the facade that I had attempted to put on. And thus The Gifts of Imperfection was introduced to me, but not before engaging in amazing conversation.
I’m forever grateful for that experience, and the people that I did it with. It’ll always be a moment in time that I will never forget. But nothing can hold me back from thinking about those moments of shame.
I said it before. I’ll say it again: it’s so exhausting. And yet I keep doing it. It’s very hard for me to let go of these habits.
I still have work to do if I want to let go and live freely.
Well... If you’ve read this far, thank you for taking time out of your day to read my complaints... Bahaha. And if you did read this entire thing, I’d LOVE to have a conversation about this. I just think that talking about this would really help. I’m sure that I’m not the only one who feels this way, and I would love to hear somebody else’s take on it. Or if you don’t, then I’d still love to have a conversation on what you think of this.
