deztinee @melancholiclad3 - Tumblr Blog

Dear self..

Its been a while and during those time, I've seen that you are doing well. Just keep it up. You'll get through this. You need to.

I know that your alcoholic father is giving you anxiety. He is one of the main cause. I know. I can see you struggling. Just hold on. Ignore him. Turn your music to maximum volume. You'll do well.

There's always that day when i want to give up...

Depression makes me do things on impulse....

They might look at it like a normal thing to do

But they dont see or hear the voices and inner struggles

Currently lost.

Im not even sure if im finding my path way back

Or im just under a tree, letting the time goes by

The drive to move forward is not there

Id rather stay here and bleed

Hold on.. a little bit more...

Dear self,

Let go of the pain. Be strong. Dont dwell in the dark. Search for the light.

12:27 am

Can't sleep

I have a lot of hobby to distract myself but none of them is working on me.

I cant continue writing my story because I'll just stare at my laptop.

I can't make a scrapbook coz I'll just waste my materials.

I cant make a journal coz I'll just stare at it.

I cant do anything. Im so tired.

I keep on asking myself, when will you bounce back... But the answer is still unknown..

Whenever I'm alone voices keep on bugging me. Calling me and sometimes i can't keep them quiet. That leads me stare at a blank space..

I can't tell them that. Mental health is not given that much thought here in our country. They will just say that it's being overacting or its just nothing. But it Freaking matters!

My family wont accept that. I know that's why poker face is always a must.

I'm so tired fighting. I'm so exhausted.

I went home early today, and on the way home, while I'm alone I felt that burning pain again.

I thought I'm doing well already. But whenever I'm alone I'm haunted by a painful feeling that pierce inside me.

I felt tears build up and is threatening to fall but I've tried my best to suppress them. When will this end?

HOW

It's been days but the dark feeling is still there. How can I get back to the light?

On the surface, it may seem okay, but deep inside I'm drowning. I know not all can understand. How can I let them see the dark image beyond the façade?

I don't want them to worry. How can I assure them?

Day by day, I'm like a living dead. How can I bring myself to life?

The pain still lingers. Still hurts like hell. How can I heal myself?

Never ending how. Never ending questions.

How?

Another night in tears

It’s Okay Not to be Okay

An open letter to my co-angels,

Please bear with me. This is a super long and dramatic letter. I wrote it in english to suppress the tears while typing this. After reading this, please don’t ask me how am I doing. I have a very long explanation that I can’t tell to you in person without crying. Please, this is for our group only. I will delete it later.

There was one time when you told me that I don’t usually share my problems to you, and you were right about that. I tend to keep it for myself because I know that I can handle it. I’ve been through a lot and I bounce back with a smile, but this time I’m confessing to you that I am not okay. I am telling you this, not because I want you to pity me but to apologize for my future failure and mistakes that I might commit. I also want to share what am I feeling

For the past weeks, I am suffering from depression. Yeah, I’m finally admitting it.

These past few weeks, I am barely breathing. I haven’t got a decent sleep since then. Darkness is all over me and none of my hobbies can distract me from all of that dark voices calling and pulling me down. It’s hard to be strong. I am tired. Physically and mentally.

I am not telling you this for you to pity me or to worry about me. I am sharing this so that you can understand my actions during this dark episode. I’m gonna be okay, but not today or the days or weeks to follow. I don’t know when, but I will.

Weeks ago, the family of a dear friend tested positive for Covid-19. She tested negative and it somewhat gave me a relief. Due to our busy schedule (this was during our demo period) I forgot to chat her to ask for her situation. Then I got a call informing and confirming me about the current situation of their family. That’s when I remember to chat her. she didn’t respond right away and that’s where the sleepless nights started. I fell asleep at almost dawn.

The next day, when I woke up with her reply telling me that she tested positive in the antigen test and will undergo swab test. That struck me like a bomb. Minutes later, I was informed that my uncle died coz of Covid-19 related disease. He was admitted to the hospital and died of heart attack but he was positive in Covid-19. Aside from that, my aunt is also positive and my cousins are in quarantine.

I was totally devastated. I was dumbfounded. Two bad news within a few minutes time frame.

That hits me hard. The fear on how fast that dreaded virus can take our loved ones away from us. With that, the weight becomes heavier. The paranoia struck me like a ghost. With a heavy heart and dark atmosphere, I continued living like nothing is wrong.

Days after, my friend informed me that the result of her swab test will be release later that day and when it turned out positive, she will be admitted to the hospital where her family is. We prayed and hoped for a negative result but it turned out positive.

With heart breaking, I tried to reply to her in a positive tone. I can’t be weak for her. I needed to be strong for her. She then assured me that she will make it coz it seems like a mild case. Nevertheless, fear is still there because covid is covid. It’s a traitor.

The weeks she’s in the hospital we continued to communicate, informing me that she’s doing okay and her family members are getting better. One by one, they tested negative and it gives me small comfort.

Then another news came out, I’ve learned that one of my cousin tested positive too, but my family members were have a positive outlook about their situation. they were doing okay and recovering, so that eased one of the mental burden that I was carrying.

Fast forward, I got a good news that my friend will be released soon. She’s the only one left in covid ward among her family members and the weight was starting to feel lighter.

On the day of her discharge from the hospital, that was supposed to be our happy day, but she informed me that her sister will be intubated coz of low oxygen in her body. Once again the weight becomes heavier but we still have high hopes for her recovery. Hours later, she informed me the dreaded news. Her sister passed away. The hours she was told to go home, her sister was gone already.

That was the last straw... That happened Monday night. I am not okay. I’m devastated. Last night I didn’t get the chance to sleep coz I just can’t sleep. I tried to distract myself but whenever I tried to sleep, tears will just flow. I am not okay. I feel worthless coz there’s nothing that I can do for my friend. I can’t be with her because of this tough situation. Plus, I fear that they are not yet ready to receive visitors after all of the things that happened to them.

I am not okay for the past few weeks, I am not okay today. I don’t know when will I be okay. I may be smiling but I am so lost...

While battling with my tears last night, I have this sudden urge to write you this letter.

I thought that I am strong enough coz I've been through a lot of battle, but I’m wrong. I’m still weak. I’m still human...

Please bear with me. I’m asking for your understanding. I might not function properly for the days or weeks to come and I will apologize for that. I’m tired of fighting, but I will still continue to fight.

Whenever you’ll see me alone, please let me be. Whenever you’ll see me slacking from work please understand. Whenever you’ll see my eyes fluffy from crying, please don’t ask me why. Whenever you won’t see me around, please don’t look for me. When I’m with you, please act as if you know nothing. I will truly appreciate that.

I’m fighting a silent battle and I’m looking forward to my self healing. Don’t worry I’m a fighter. I’ll get through this.

Thank you.

My Safe Haven

For several years since I’ve learned about this site, it has been my go - to site whenever I want to express my thoughts that I don’t wanna share to my Facebook account.

I’m very thankful to this site because it has given me the freedom that I wanted and sharing my thought and feelings here really helped me a lot in dealing with all the bs this life has offered me.

Masked

At times like this

Darkness is my company

Silence is a friend

Sadness is a blanket

Been trying to act like its okay

But dread and grief is on my way

Dont know when they will let me be

So tired of fighting

Exhausted from living

They all say that they will never leave

But the feeling is just the opposite

I know I’m strong but this time I’m tired.

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