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@melancholiias
☾ ANON NIGHT ASK BOXES ☽
elena gilbert ( to get to the ask on desktop, click "askbox" on the side and then scroll down. it may still look weird, but you should be able to scroll at the box itself. it should work on mobile! ) lettie williams lydia martin nora mccullough vanessa santos violeta santiago
it feels good. or at least as close to it as stefan can get, under the circumstances, after everything. the pleasant hum of the movie he's only half listening to and the steady rhythm of elena's heart. the smell of her shampoo, of her. the warmth of her shoulder where it rests against his, even more of a comfort than it is a temptation today. that's the thing about elena, isn't it? where so many others might make his hunger loud, might get his thoughts racing, she usually manages to quiet it all down with no effort at all. the lighthouse in the fog.
it's almost enough to distract the low, nagging voice in the back of his mind: should she even be alone with you anymore?
when she finally turns to him (and he sees it coming, notices all her little glances from his peripheral, her similar lack of attention) the corner of his mouth flicks upward, his body shifting slightly to mimic her. "you're expecting something a few decades old, right?" it's a tease, lightly performed as he considers the question. "i'll tell you on two conditions. one, you can't laugh at me. and two, you have to tell me yours first."
the length of their romance did not align with its intensity. after years of being in a gentle lull with matt, dating stefan was like diving into the deep end. elena had already been in a free fall; even after the gilbert's car had hit the water, she had been unable to rid herself of the feeling that comes with an unexpected plummet. her life had been entirely in flux, unstable and chaos brimmed. then, stefan had come to town.
in all honesty, he hadn't made her life any less chaotic. between his callous brother and the ex-girlfriend who shockingly resembled elena, things were more complicated then ever. she'd never imagined a world of vampires and fangs and stakes— let alone in the sleepy town of mystic falls. stefan's supernatural status was a hurdle, but not one elena thought to be impossible. she loved him. somehow, in the middle of her mess, she had found time to find a love that she hadn't expected. it terrified her, but fear was nothing new these days. besides, there wasn't only fear. there was a sense of familiarity and belonging that had allowed her space to figure out who she was in the aftermath of losing everything she knew. elena wasn't the same person she had been, the same daughter her parents had known. a part of her mourned the fact that they'd never meet the new her, and she hoped one day she could be someone they'd be proud of. in quiet moments like these, she almost felt like she was on the path to becoming that girl again.
as the movie doned on, elena couldn't help but chuckle slightly as she shrugged a shoulder. "i mean, based on your taste in music...." she teased back. levity almost felt wrong in the wake of everything they'd been through. stefan's recent struggles had not been cast from elena's mind. if anything, she was all too aware of them. their date almost felt like an exercise in playing pretend, but they had to start somewhere. he could beat this. they were stronger than the thirst that scratched his throat...right?
pushing the thought from her mind, elena nodded solemnly and held up a pinkie. "no laughing. and mine? what if i told you i was too indecisive? like, i have a favorite movie to watch with caroline, one i'd watch with my mom. like, we used to watch romeo & juliet together. the old one with leonardo dicaprio? i loved how sad it was. i wanted to write something moving like that." back then, sadness was something that existed on screen. it wasn't lived, wasn't inhabited. it didn't color her days.
presses her lips together hard, for a second, because she knows better than to believe elena gilbert when she says her classic i'm okay. especially lately. "understatement of the year. you know we can talk about it, right? whatever you're getting stuck in your head about." then bonnie smiles, nudges the other girl with an elbow before she can veer too hard into pushy caroline friend level territory. "if you can even pick just one thing out in your chaotic list of things going on right now." and does bonnie have an entire list of her own? things she's resentful of toward many people, elena included? sure. but there's been too many near misses already, too much death; so for now, she's trying for peace.
for most of her life, elena had never doubted that she could talk to bonnie bennett. nearly attached at the hip, the two girls had formed a bond over the years that was bone deep. the death of her parents was the first time that elena had found herself at a loss for words, and in the wake of unthinkable tragedy once more, they again faltered and died on her lips. nothing felt right. i'm sorry? it would be a good place to start. it's what elena's guilt— already insurmountable— wanted to scream. but she didn't. she just shook her head and let her brows knit themselves together in concern.
"of course i know that, bonnie, but i was hoping you would talk to me. i know your list is just as big and chaotic, and we spend a lot of time on mine." it felt like pushing it. elena didn't want to spook bonnie or apply too much pressure and make her pull back, but she also knew the world didn't revolve around elena gilbert. bonnie had a heavy weight on her shoulders as well, and it was all too much to carry alone.
" And I'm here complaining about my dad without thinking you might miss yours." April felt terrible. And selfish. And tone deaf. Not a great combination. "I'm sorry." She apologised sheepishly. Elena was the last person she wanted to bother. " Ice-cream or cup cake ? My treat ! " She hoped that suggestion would turn the mood around. "Let's bring your smile back !"
people talked about their parents. after losing hers, that's one thing elena had become hyperaware of. once, she had been one of those people. she had never been too loose with her words when it came to her miranda & grayson, but that was only because she loved them so deeply. they could be strict, of course, or annoying. that didn't matter at the end of the day. conflicts were talked away to peace, and family dinner was eaten together every night. miranda & gilbert were the foundation of the family, and now that foundation had crumbled to dust.
"april, it's okay." elena hurried to say, not wanting the other girl to be too hard on herself. people did their best, but unless they knew grief intimately, it was hard to remember how deeply it wound its way into the mundane. the gilbert's had been buried, life had moved on. elena didn't expect them to haunt everyone else like they haunted her. "you really don't need to apologize, and you don't need to feel like you have to buy me anything. not that i'm saying no to something sweet right now." it wasn't elena's intention to stress anyone out. she could live with her grief, keep it bottled up and tucked away. if april wanted a smile, elena could smile. she let one fall over her face, practiced and refined. "c'mon. cupcakes or ice cream: your pick. you got me hungry now."
"You sure?" she pushed, not at all believing the other's blatant lie right now. "I guess? I'm still rather new here so the drama has kind of been thrown at me without warning" she joked with a small chuckle. "I'm guessing you're directly involved with what's going on?"
"yeah, of course." maybe her head bobbed a little too fast, her tone a little too bright. it was all elena had, and she was clinging to her determination that they were going to somehow get ahead of katherine and the new mess they had somehow fallen into. at the question, her smile flickered. " there's a lot going on in mystic falls. you may need to be more specific than that. my family tragedy was last summer, actually." the half joke fell flat.
@guiltfed
casual. simple. laid back. it was a series of words that elena had not heard for a long time. nothing was simple, casual was a thing of the past— and laid back? all but unheard of now. but still, they tried. there was popcorn, there was soda. there was a movie on that elena found she couldn't bring herself to fully pay attention to. instead, her eyes kept sliding over to take in stefan's profile where he sat beside her on the couch. having their shoulders touch felt reassuring. anchoring, even. for a moment, elena almost felt like it was okay to exhale.
finally dropping the pretense of focusing, she turned to stefan. "i don't think i've ever asked. do you have a favorite movie?"
"—no, no, i'm okay. i just got stuck in my own head again." how could she not? between being kidnapped, stefan's current struggles, katherine, uncle john turning out to be biological father john, the tomb vampires being released and gram dying leading to bonnie's distance, it felt like the world was spinning at an unsustainable rate. "been a wild few weeks, huh?"
“Let go of me before I cause a scene.” The day wasn't even half over and already there were idiots in the bar. Sarah watched as he stumbled away, leaving the bar, grumbling something incoherent. "There really needs to be a cut off point around here." She sighed, shaking off the feeling of his hand around her waist. "It's too early to be this wasted."
"are you okay?"
a few months ago ( before the accident, before the revelation about the vampires ), drunk men getting handsy were some of the worst elena assumed mystic falls had to offer. the town had felt safe back then, secure in a way that a place can become when you've spent your entire life there. she hadn't realized what was lurking in the shadows waiting to bare their teeth. now, her eyes instantly moved to the girl's neck. check for blood, check for a bite. check that the guy was just drunk and not undead. then again, it was still daylight. the sunlight would chase away the vamps without daylight rings.
exhaling, elena shook her head. "clearly they've got a lot going for them," she replied dryly. "sheriff forbes does pick them up sometimes, but she's been pretty busy lately."
yeah, no shit. vampires were everywhere and people were being murdered.
ELLA PURNELL as RHIANNON LEWIS Sweetpea 1.01 — Sorry for Your Loss
"high schoolers." liz sighed. she didn't hate them for being young and reckless, everyone was young and reckless once, she was just annoyed because all she wanted was to keep them safe and they notoriously made her job harder. "these kids hear town wide curfew and animal attacks, and decide its the perfect time to throw a bonfire party in the woods." liz started her day bright and early with a call about several burned bodies in the cemetery. she was just wrapping her head around the resurgence of vampires and now they might have a regular human serial killer on their hands. in mystic falls of all places. what's next-- werewolves? at the snap of a branch liz wipped her head around, eyes landing on a familiar face that didn't belong.
"hey-- you cant be out here, this is an active crime scene."
of course elena wasn't supposed to be there. she also wasn't supposed to know any of the things that she currently did. in the last few months, her life and everything she thought she knew about the town she had grown up in had been irreparably altered. bodies being burned in the cemetery was horrific, but it was just one piece of the puzzle. vampires, witches, murder. what had once been a cozy small town that never seemed to have anything going on now had shadows that concealed monsters. but they had always been there, with darkness hiding their teeth. elena had just learned how to see them.
"sorry, sheriff." the title for her best friend's mom felt too formal and stiff on her tongue. "i was visiting my parents and i thought i heard something." it was a lie, of course. elena was becoming an expert at lying through her teeth. what was she supposed to say? she was dating a vampire? that would go over well. "are you okay?"
"Hey, you haven't seen Vicki today, have you? I've been calling her and keeps dodging me." she seemed like she was doing well lately but he was starting to get worried she was on another one of her benders again.
elena didn't want to lie. worse, she didn't want to break matt's heart even more so. unfortunately, there was no way of being honest without pain following. "—uh, i don't think so. sorry, matt. i can keep an eye out for her? when did you see her last?"
Grief constricted those who had to deal with it. Caroline knew how she must feel, at the very least how it feels to lose a person you love. While she hadn't quite lost her father like Elena did, Caroline remembered not wanting to talk to anyone about her own emotions and worries. It had been easier to busy herself with everything, especially school and any extracurricular courses. But with Elena? A part of her wanted to understand more, just to help, just to know how to exactly approach the situation. Though, Caroline was aware of Stefan and the fact, that he'd so easily made Elena smile, warm up again. At the very least she'd have to thank him one day despite not totally being a fan of her failure to be a part in any of this. Seriously messed up, but Caroline simply smiled, unwilling to share any of her inner monologue to her best friend.
"I'm so glad," Caroline sighed, "you're back and we can finally just start the best college experience together. I have everything mapped out for us, so we're set for the next few months. Plus, a mini fridge for our dorm?" Caroline raised one eyebrow, smirking. However, Elena's next question caught her off-guard. It really shouldn't have, but somehow, it did. "I'm fine, better than fine," Caroline giggled, her typical, slightly anxious one whenever she tried to remain in control. "I've been trying to focus a lot of my energy into cheerleading, mostly, and trying not to get too far behind in college. The usual," with the unusual being left out on purpose. Maybe another time she'd mention Damon, but not tonight. "Actually, Bonbon thought it best if I talk to you in person. She's so worried for no reason, like seriously worried. Must be her being psychic yet again. All I can tell you is, that I'm fine. More than that."
college had never not been an option— not that elena would ever have rebelled against the idea anyway. the idea that she would go to university was always something she had just accepted. her father was a doctor, he expected good grades and extracurriculars. elena had never struggled academically. she studied, she shook her pompoms. she daydreamed with her friends about the triple dorm room and the parties they'd go to. she'd even applied to the same place as her boyfriend, her & matt seeming to just go together like it was meant to be. college would be her chance to shake the good girl image, live a little. elena didn't plan on going too crazy, of course, but she wanted to live a little. college would be a new chapter in her life. and it was. just not in the way she had expected.
jenna had been there on move in day with a smile that faltered only when she thought elena wasn't looking. there had been no shopping with her mother for dorm accessories or comforters. sheila bennett had gifted the girls various knickknacks, but it wasn't the same. none of it was going the way it was supposed to, the way elena had always dreamt of. even her plans on being a writer were swirling down the drain of the shared dorm bathroom.
the last thing elena should have been was surprised by anything caroline was saying. wasn't this her friend to a t, always the planner? the perfectionist. elena was glad to be able to coast on her coattails at the moment. "do i get to see this itinerary you have?" elena asked, her tone far from annoyed. "and yes, obviously on the mini fridge. i think it can fit in that corner by the window, right? or by the closet?"
then, there it was: she's so worried for no reason, like seriously worried. of course bonnie was. she was intuitive, attuned to the feelings of her friends. it was a great trait in a friend normally, but not when you wanted to hide. but then caroline kept talking. bonnie was worried about caroline. elena silently exhaled in relief. not for caroline, of course, but because the spotlight wasn't on her. the guilt came right after. was she so selfish she automatically thought people would be focused on her?
pursing her lips, elena took a second to look caroline over. "you sure, care? bonnie's psychic intuition is usually onto something. besides, when you'd get so into scarves?"
there's this dream jeremy keeps having. it goes like this : his parents come home. they burst from the earth , spit up mud and river water , and crawl home to him. he's waiting for them ----- will always be waiting ----- with the light on. elena towels them off while he sets the table for dinner. the clock stops at 11:42. the phone rings , but nobody picks it up. there's a knock on the door they're all trying to ignore. he turns to put the dishes in the sink and his family disappears. the tragedy is not that they leave , but that they don't take him with them. and so he lives in suspension , a fly caught in amber .... until one day he walks to walks to the falls to meet his family. the guilt ( he could've gone with them , was supposed to go with them , they asked him to go with them ) , as heavy as any cement block , drags him down to the riverbed , where he drowns in his grief. they say that someday this grief will leave him , but he doesn't want it to , drinks it like candied cyanide. there was something wrong with him before any of this happened ..... his stomach gnashes when he sees his sister. love ?? yes. guilt ?? sometimes. jealousy ?? always. it's grotesque , how much he wishes he'd been there , in that sinking car. at least then , he would have had an excuse for feeling like this .... it's hard to look elena in the eye when all she wants is to get better , and all he wants is to get worse. concern , huh ?? he would have preferred the dirty look. " i saw you at christmas. " not exactly forever and a day ago , was it ?? " -and i'm here now. " but he didn't want to talk about this ---- he heard enough of it from jenna at home. he took another drink of elena's coffee , eyes slipping up to study his sister. " -besides , if you saw more of me , you might have to introduce me to your new boyfriend. " and so went the very subtle subject change ....
after the accident, the gilbert home had simultaneously shrunk and expanded. it felt smaller without miranda and grayson present. it should have felt bigger without two bodies present, but their absence ate up all the excess space. grayson's work coat on the hall tree took up three times the space it had before. miranda's book left on the coffee table was colossal, warped into something far more than pages and a cover.
at the same time, the house had somehow grown. the hallway between elena and jeremy's rooms now felt never ending. before, elena had torn down the carpeted corridor to burst into her brother's room with some trivial accusation in record speed. did you take my _____? did you touch my _____? the blanks could be filled in. they had followed the script of siblings. in the wake of the accident, her brain could no longer comprehend how many steps it would take to get from her room to his. how could she get from point a to point b? it felt impossible. the house twisted, and the gap between them grew.
then, elena left. she left her brother, left the house. she got to live with the ghosts of her parents in her peripheral instead of peering around every corner of the spaces they once inhabited. it made her a rotten sister, didn't it? a bad daughter. how could she leave them? leave jeremy?
"christmas was a week ago. i'm asking you to respond to a text, jer, not visit me every day. unless you'd rather that? should i start dropping by the school to see you? if you're not going to respond to me, that is." with all they had going on, harping at him about texting felt absurd, but it was where they were at. at the mention of stefan, elena fought to remain neutral. "you can meet stefan. he's not a secret. how about dinner? i can bring him to the house."
the gilbert residence was a house, not a home. not anymore.
oh, man. this was so not what he needed right now. too bad. matt turned and put on his best smile -- the one that convinced people he didn't have much else going on in his head except football -- and tried to pretend the sight of her didn't do his chest in like an axe. " 'lena, hey. " okay so he wasn't doing that great of a job at the pretending. " yeah .. " matt went on and then immediately paused. " --she's protective in her own way, i guess." he felt like he was stumbling. trying, and failing miserably, to tip toe around the sink hole that was their nonexistent future, seconds away from falling face first in it and drowning. vicki had her way of caring and he didn't really want her to be mean to elena, but it was nice to know someone would throw him a line to pull him back out. even if she might be high when she did it. showing up was showing up. " she's probably off with tyler somewhere." he shrugged, trying desperately to change the subject. "how's jenna ?" there. jenna was safe.
elena gilbert was becoming the queen of fake smiles. she had an entire section of her mind devoted to the practice of rehearsed grins. they came in varying degrees of interest and enthusiasm. for months, it had felt like everyone was subjected to one of them. no one had gotten genuine until recently— matt included. it wasn't personal. he hadn't been a bad boyfriend by any means. they had just grown apart. or, at least, elena had grown apart from him.
"i get it. i'm a big sister too, and jer can be..." elena pursed her lips. she didn't want to trash talk her brother. he was struggling. she got that. she just didn't know how to get through to him. "well, you know what i mean. it's been a tough few months." ....which matt knew. why did it feel like she was striking out repeatedly? they had known each other since practically birth. it shouldn't have been so awkward.
"jenna's good." it was easier to bob her head, to let the conversation switch to the mundane. "as good as someone can be when they have to become a parent with no warning whatsoever. who would've thought that fun aunt jenna would be going to parent teacher conferences?" the reason behind was fucked, but the thought of her "cool" aunt being the mom figure was almost chuckle worthy. "i think she's here, actually. how's football going?"
She'd harbored her own judgement ever since Elena had broken up with her little brother. May it just be the fact, that she'd lead him on for so long or the fact that her brother seemed genuinely out of his depth -- Vicki simply demanded some sort of justice. To her everything looked more like a deliberate way of getting rid of him, without having to explain herself to him all that much. Like he didn't matter so much more than that. "You know he deserved better than this. So much for caring." She didn't really continue the same bite she previously had. No, Vicki firmly believed Elena would never understand and only continue with her selfless, caring persona instead of seeing past her sad existence. "Don't apologize to me. Apologize to him or are you stuck in an endless loop of self-pity, that you can't even reconnect with him and see past all of that?" she snapped one last time before taking another sip from her drink.
With a sigh, the elder Donovan released even more of her pent up anger and shook her head in annoyance. "Do whatever's necessary to at least talk to him, at least promise that this much."
it kind of felt like banging her head into a wall repeatedly. did it matter what elena said? vicki was mad. elena didn't blame her. her anger felt justified, even though it had been fully in elena's rights to break up with her high school boyfriend. matt donovan didn't own her. he just had the misfortune of loving her more than he should have. she let the comment about what matt deserved roll past. elena didn't disagree; she and matt both deserved better than dragging around the bloated corpse of their young love. that just wasn't what vicki wanted to hear right now.
"trust me," elena shook her head. "i've apologized." she had apologized when they had broken up, and later in their next conversation. it felt like an apology was always bubbling on her lips when matt was in her vicinity. she should have cut it off a long time before rings were ever on the table. "he doesn't really want to talk to me, but i'll try. or, keep trying." elena paused to measure her words. "it was better to end it when i did, vicki, then let it go any further. i didn't want to make it hurt any more than it had to."
it had hurt elena as well, as guilty as that made her feel. losing matt as her boyfriend seemed to mean losing matt as her friend. she was the relationship annihilator, though. did she have a right to feel upset? most days, it didn't feel like it. even if she was ready for it to end, there were times she missed the stability and security matt came with. at the end of the day, however, elena had not died when she should have. if she was going to try to live now instead of sleepwalk through life, staying in a relationship out of obligation wasn't the smartest choice. hopefully vicki ( and matt ) would understand that one day.
Roxanne raised an eyebrow, half amused half curious. "Then why not just do it? What's stopping you?" This town was definitely full of gossip but she hadn't paid much attention. Anytime someone was chatting her ear off she'd go on autopilot. Responding with head nods and hums while her head was filled with thousands of thoughts just whizzing around. The entire time she'd been in Mystic Falls she was focused on one thing and one thing only. Getting that moonlight ring and getting her life back. Though she did have to admit, it kinda sucked spending more time on her mission than it was making friends.
"Nice to meet you too." Upon hearing Caroline's name she turned around to scan the scene behind her until her eyes landed on who Elena was talking about. "Caroline..." She repeated softly before making eye contact with Elena once again. "Blonde, spunky and super peppy? Yeah I think i've seen her around."
what was stopping her? it was grayson & miranda gilbert, the shades of elena's parents who now perpetually hovered over her shoulder. they were silent sentinels who elena could now blame for her inability to make the right choice ( or any choice at all ). the last thing she had done to her parents was fail them by asking them to come get her. thus, the events that led to the crash had been set in motion. her desire to be a good daughter to people who were no longer there seemed futile, but it stopped her from saying fuck it. it was the least she could do. it was the only thing she could do.
elena didn't say any of that, of course. she just shrugged a shoulder instead. "responsibilities, i guess. college, my brother. life doesn't stop just because we wanna throw caution to the wind." it would have been easier if it did, but when were things ever easy?
caroline, however, was a more welcome topic. a little safer, a little less charged. it was preferable to bask in caroline's glow ( or inferno, day depending ) than wallow in the pits of elena's ongoing despair. elena chuckled as she watched caroline do her thing. "yep, that's her. caroline's mom, liz, is sheriff forbes. honestly, you're probably going to see both of them around a lot. care has her hand in basically everything. you want a social event planned? call caroline forbes. anyway," she shifted gears. "what brings you to mystic falls?"
"Yeah, true." Ugh, wake up Roxanne. When it came to her forgetfulness she wished she could just blame it on the alcohol but since she turned she'd been a lot less sure of herself. It was strange having to get used to being a different version of yourself, both physically and mentally. Something she couldn't put into words. "Definitely." That was one way of putting it. "Yeah, no, fuck it. Just do whatever feels natural to you, y'know?" New years resolutions sounded fun and all but she was over all the stress that not living up to expected potential could cause. She had bigger fish to fry.
"None." She replied with a simple shrug. "I need to find more time to chill the fuck out, honestly." That and finding a witch who could make her a daylight ring. Piece of cake, right? "Yeah. You can call me Roxy. News really does travel fast around here huh?' She put her hand out for the other girl to shake. "Elena, right?"
"honestly, fuck it sounds incredibly tempting right now." elena exhaled with a chuckle. half of her her attention wandered. her gaze momentarily darted glanced around the grill as she tried to see if stefan, bonnie, or jeremy were in view. caroline had to be buzzing around somewhere, holding court like the queen bee. elena wasn't sure if she could handle all of that at the moment. so, near-stranger it was.
tucking her hair behind her ear, she nodded. "elena, yes. elena gilbert. it's nice to meet you, roxy." a new face came with the possibility that she may not know of the gilbert family and the recent tragedy that had befallen them. dr. grayson gilbert's medical office sat boarded on main street. the chatter, however, had mostly died down. the town had moved on to the next buzzy story. elena continued, "mystic falls is a small town. my friend, caroline, is like, head of the welcoming committee. literally. you get used to it." of course, it was all elena had ever known. it had been reassuring until the accident. after the funeral, all she had wanted was to fade from view.
