tbhโฆ all i want to do is be better and feel betterโฆ but iโve never been better. iโve always been either giving into my demons or fighting them. i just want to conquer them already but they have me trapped in a cage. a cage with too many locks with no keys in sight. i feel cold and blind. i just want to leave them behind. i really miss who i used to be, before the drugs, before the suicidal thoughts, before the self harm, before the inner scarsโฆ but really that girl never existed. maybe before i could remember she did but i was still a kid, barely even that. my first memories are all full of trauma. yelling, hitting, screaming, anger, lots and lots of anger, tears, & utter chaos. who was i supposed to be without all of that? who would i be now? where would i be? why was this life chosen to become what it is for me? why were these cards the ones i was picked to deal with? life is pretty fucking shitty if you ask me but i guess it could be worse. i escaped most people who hurt me. they still haunt me though, along with the constant memories reminding me of the terror & evil i lived through. i donโt know if i want to have kidsโฆ i donโt ever want to make someone feel the way i did, especially a small human i forced into this mad world. why would anyone purposefully force someone to be alive in this cold cruel world? for their own amusement and happiness? being a parent sounds pretty selfish to me, but also your whole world becomes your kid, so maybe not? idkโฆ life is weird. i wish i could escape to a better place but killing myself would only mean giving my pain to others and i canโt do that. i canโt be the reason someone dies on the inside. i know it would affect a lot of people. i donโt want that. i donโt want to cause anyone any pain ever. im seeing a therapist now. she told me anger is a good emotion. thereโs positive sides to anger. itโs good to feel it. im angry on the inside all the time but it definitely slips out when im tired or hungry or just frustrated. i donโt mean for it too, but it has to escape. i wish i could make it go awayโฆ. but thatโs not the point of dealing with anger. my therapist validated that i have cptsdโฆ and i always wondered if i didโฆ itโs kind of relieving to know i was right but also scary to know that i was right. like now i know i have a reason for why i am the way i am but it doesnโt justify it. it makes me even more angry that i have it in the first place. all i do all day long is think about the bad things that have happened to me. it destroys any happiness that comes my way. itโs like im at battle with my demons constantly. i just want them to go away. i want my memory to turn off or my brain completely. i hate being me.
