Tired Recluse

28 year old ace who spends too much of her time online. I do art, write, make games, and am a bit all over the place with what I do from day to day. I talk about my wife a lot. I love her.

[ladysantos]

commissioned by @mellow-cello!! thank you thank you

[mellow-cello]

YOOOOO IT’S THE BIRD BOY!!!!

Ahhhhhhh Ladysantos30 is fantastic and y’all should go support them!!!!

(also it’s nice to see the boy happy, lookit him-)

[mellow-cello]

What's been going on?

Hi! It's me again. So some chaotic stuff happened in these last few months. It started first with my cat being diagnosed with diabetes, which means we have a strict new schedule in our lives for him (no more being out of the house at 7PM and no staying up late because we have to be up by 7AM, all for his insulin). We've also been talking about moving out of the country, so we took a trip to see Uruguay, the top place we're considering moving to. Things were going fine, until...

I lost my job to AI the end of the week preceding our trip.

So yeah, now I'm back on the job hunt, sort of. I'm actually trying to get into freelance stuff. More than that, I'm looking to be more online and public with myself.

@zegollygosh is where I'm likely going to talk a bit of tech/developer talk, since that's my job and I'd like to actually be connected to that again, outside of AI-focus.

However, if you've ever been interested in the other stuff I'm up to artistically, @gollygoshgo is a silly little channel for vtubing, drawing, discussing OCs and TTRPGs, writing, and just generally being a bit all over the place. I even have a stream schedule!

I have characters that are brewing over there and some actual stories developing around them! I have no idea if what I'm working on is going to make much sense, but I'm having a blast regardless. Once I figure out how to tell this story, I'm excited to start. It's a bit... meta, and kinda odd, but it's growing and that's my favorite part of creating stories: watching it develop into something new. That, and having other people experience the stories. Of course that's a ton of fun :3

Anyway, I might be a bit more chatty there too. Intermittently at least. I want to be more comfortable being public and creating IN public, outside of already-existing IPs. All I've ever wanted to do is tell stories and create things for other people to enjoy and experience. It's one thing to be tied to an existing IP, where people are ready and excited to receive more art of characters and stories and places they already love, but creating your own original stuff is so much more nerve-wracking. I haven't done it very much, and when I have I've done it so sporadically that I don't think anyone really noticed.

I want to change that. So my ask, to the folks reading this, is to join me over there and give me a little support when the inspiration does strike me and I start to share what I'm making. No need to feel pressured to, and I don't mind if you guys aren't able to join me, but it does mean a lot when I see people liking my stuff, and it gives me such a boost. Even one like really makes me happy, especially on personal, original work.

Regardless, thank you for sticking around this long! And I hope you guys will enjoy the next chapter of Under the Surface when it does come out, which will hopefully be soon! :D

[mellow-cello]

How has writing the next chapter been going for you? I’m sorry to hear you’ve been having struggles with your creativity/motivation, and just want to assure you that no slop that AI could make would come close to how your story has made me feel. It’s so authentic and painful and healing all at the same time and I got totally sucked into it and read all of what you’ve written in like 3 days 😅. I will be there whenever you are ready with the remainder of the story and can’t wait to see where you take it! I appreciate all the work you’ve put into it, it’s really well done, it’s been a long time since I’ve read something that’s been so emotionally impactful. I’m sorry if I’m gushing too much lol I just wanted to tell you how awesome you are!

It's been sitting halfway finished but I'm getting back into it today!

I'll give an update here in a little bit on what's been going on. Things have kinda been chaotic in the past month, but I'm slowly building myself up to.... something? We'll see! But with that comes a bit more freedom to write so that's fun :3

Regardless, thank you so much for your message here and your comments in general! I know I'm the worst at replying to them but I read, appreciate, and adore every one of my comments.

[mellow-cello]

And just like that, chapter 71 is up!

Had a lot of fun with this one actually. I think some parts drag a bit but, honestly? I don't mind too much. I had fun!

Now go read it and, please, tell me what you think :3

[mellow-cello]

UTS Chapters 71 and 72

In a surprising turn of events, chapter 71 is kinda done. I finished the draft and now need to work on editing it and sending it off to my beta. 72 is on its way, because chapter 71 is shorter than the average (but still quite a fun chapter, if I do say so myself)

I haven't talked much because, creatively, I can say I've been struggling. And I can say the very specific reason for that is AI. It tends to make me... well, doubt myself. Doubt my abilities and the worth of my work. I know that's a bit silly, but it's something I've been grappling with.

So I'm making a little board of all the fanart and commissions I've had done and I'm working to just... reconnect, I guess.

In ANOTHER turn of events, I've gone through the entire rest of the HP series and outlined all the rest of the story. It's kinda crazy to think, but I have a full plan for everything left. Yes, I AM going through the entire series, because I'm a maniac and this far in, I can't give up now. My notes take up 14 pages and over 6,000 words (it took me days of dedicated research and summarizing and planning to get it all written out).

We have a ways to go I suppose. Thank you very much for those woh have stuck around this long.

Expect chapter 71 in the coming weeks.

[dramatic-dolphin]

'all age gaps problematic' people are so wild. "what can a 19 year old and a 28 year even have in common??? what do they talk about??" BITCH THEIR HOBBIES???????

[dramatic-dolphin]

Do You Not Have Hobbies Or Interests

[dramatic-dolphin]

being age appropriate??? to a NINETEEN YEAR OLD?????????

[dramatic-dolphin]

like yeah i do personally think it's weird to date a 19yr old as a 28yr old but let's not act like that 9 year age difference makes them different species that can't even interact even as friends. like can we be normal. i promise you can talk to younger people.

[mellow-cello]

Just gonna say: I met my wife in college when she was 27 and I was 19. We had no idea we were different ages because we both had so much in common we assumed the other was our age.

Anyone who says "19 year olds can't date anyone over 3 years their senior" or some other arbitrary rule like that has no idea what they're talking about. Sure, it's suspicious when you first hear about it, it's a yellow flag, but it's not an automatic sign that the older one is "emotionally stunted af" or that there's an inherent power imbalance, and if you think that you REALLY don't know what you're talking about.

At 19 I was more mature than most of my peers. I'd already been living away from my parents for three years, and had been on my own for one. I had been working since I was 15.

Meanwhile, she had volunteered for the city and run her own business as a videographer, but didn't work a retail job for a few more years because she was financially supported by her parents back then. She had also been diagnosed with a condition that left her incapable of the career she'd started college for, and she had to go back to get a new degree (how we met).

The circumstances just worked out for us. We were cautious, and extensively worked on communication. People kept an eye on us and checked in on me repeatedly to be sure I was happy and safe.

Despite our relationship being pretty much perfect, people still thought we should break up. That I should go date more people before "settling down" and that she should date people closer to her age.

I'm so glad we didn't listen.

[mellow-cello]

I would love to know if some more chapters are in the works or if the under the surface has been abandoned to the fic graveyard

Sorry for not replying earlier! No, UTS is not abandoned. I've actually finished the rough draft for both the next chapter, AND the one after! I'm in a weird spot where I'm creatively feeling kind of stunted, but I'm working on dragging myself out of the pit of creative despair.

[mellow-cello]

Hey, I've recently binged through Under the Surfave (cost me a few weeks) and I'm positively hooked. I wanted to kindly ask you permission to use the idea of the emotions chessboard in my own fic; I had already asked in your ao3 comments, but I had a feeling you wouldn't be checking those often.

Thank you so much for writing UtS; it inspired me greatly to pick up writing my own fic again, and I cannot express how much I love the story.

Cheers!

I'm so sorry I didn't respond to this earlier! This is absolutely fine by me, just give me the credit if possible. I'm very sorry if this answer is too late!

[mellow-cello]

So I made Under the Surface into a series a while ago because I had side stories working in my head, though some of them STILL can't be written or released because they take place later or after the story is complete (yes I have post story narratives already planned, fingers crossed we get there someday).

But I also always played with the idea of rewriting older scenes from the perspective of different characters. Madame Pomfrey, Bill, Snape, hell even Harry himself in moments where we weren't already in his head. Honestly, thinking about and tinkering with some of these has helped me get back into the world of UTS and reconnect with the beginning of this massive tale.

So for those fans of the fic out there, if you remember any scenes or ever try rereading this massive thing, let me know if there's a scene you'd like to see from another character's perspective, or something a character did "off screen" that you wish you'd actually seen. It'd actually help me a lot with inspiration for this story, and if it's compelling (and isn't spoiler ridden for stuff I still have yet to finish with, as some scenes would be) I may just write it~

[mellow-cello]

BOO!!

AH!!! You found me!!!

Lol thanks for joining my Tumblr! And thank you for the comment on my fic~ Snape really does get put in rough positions in my fic

[mellow-cello]

UTS Chapter 70 Is UP!

After 2 and a half years, I'm finally done. Please enjoy~

[mellow-cello]

UTS Chapter 70 Is Drafted!

After 2 and a half years I finally have sat down and done it. I finished this chapter. Holy heck.

Expect to see a chapter very soon.

[zegollygosh]

Hi, I'm Golly. I'm a software developer and a game designer and a writer. Those are, at least, the major titles I like to apply to myself. Figured I should actually announce my project for those on here who find me somehow.

I'm working on a text game tentatively called The Merchant of Mytos. In it, you play a merchant who's exploring the continent of Mytos. You'll visit the different nations that exist on it, meeting different people and sharing in their stories and adventures while building your own reputation and skills as a merchant. You'll have the option of what to specialize in with trade, and how you interact with the world. It's very early in development so things may change, but I'm having a lot of fun.

I'm primarily on bluesky under this same handle, ZegollyGosh, but I may post here more often to discuss my thoughts, plans, and difficulties.

More room to be talkative lol

[mellow-cello]

It's me! For anyone who'd prefer to follow me on Tumblr, I may make longer posts about the game there

[mellow-cello]

Hey guys! Just a quick note from me about the status of things and a bit of news. I want to be up front that I'm still working on my fanfictions and plan to properly update UTS in the next few months if I can swing my enthusiasm back it's way again, but I did want to say: I'm creating stuff!

I'm not as consistent as I once was, but I've been working on a personal, original project of mine; a text game with, no doubt, way too much writing involved. Its slowly becoming a very passionate project of mine and I'm just generally having a lot of fun developing it. I've also been consistently working on it for months so it's something I think I may complete (or at least release a demo/incomplete copy of) some day! I'm pouring some interesting characters, mechanics, dialogue, and locations into the mix so if you like that about my writing, it may be worth checking out.

I'm over on bluesky mostly, sharing about my adventures there under the handled @ZeGollyGosh (which you can also find on Tumblr but I'm less active here these days). It's primarily about life, the development/creative process of my game, and random thoughts of mine so don't worry if that's not your thing, I just wanted to extend the invite out to those who have supported me for the longest. It still amazes me that you guys like what I put out, so assuming that you do: you might want to check out what else I've got brewing.

So tl;dr: I'm on bluesky making a text game if that's something that interests you. If not, just know that I'm planning to update within a few months.

[mellow-cello]

hello!

I really hope you are well. I had manage to binge read your fic 'under the surface' in 3 days but realised its been more than a year since you have updated the fic. I really love the fic and can't begin to express how awesome it is but I want to know if the fic has been abandoned at this point. Please do respond about it. Anyways awesome fic!

Byeee

Wow, I haven't been checking my Tumblr at ALL. My apologies for not giving an answer on this.

Let me start by saying: Under The Surface has NOT been abandoned. It still lives in my head at all times and I open the doc from time to time.

This year has been hectic. I lost my job suddenly, and was struggling on and off with both depression and ADHD. I've been much more stable these days. Honestly, learning about ADHD and depression has been helpful, how it effects how I think, how my mood can fluctuate, and most importantly, how motivation with these disorders works.

What does that have to do with the fanfictions (yes I'm including The Ophidian and Who He Used To Be on top of Under the Surface)? I've gotten a lot better at understanding how to motivate myself. I'm realizing that part of the reason I was able to keep with writing so consistently for years WAS because I was in college and had a job I was physically going to. Having that accountability and the sense of being "busy" helped me bring structure into my life and I could actually write a LOT. I've mentioned this before I think, but when Covid hit, and everything went online, I lost all of that physical structure and I'm still trying to reinvent it.

Also, if I can be honest about UTS itself, the current context is a bit hard to write for me. Harry is at a point where he has to learn what leaning on people looks like, and I'm realizing I don't know what that looks like either. How that unfolds, the articulation of internal struggle, just putting things to words is hard for anyone, and I have to portray that in writing. It's a challenge I think I'm up for, but it was one I didn't realize was causing so much writers block. I've been sitting on a conversation that has to happen, because I can't see how it can believably go. It's a process, but one I think I'm finally at a point of tackling.

So yeah, that's what's been going on. I don't really want to give you guys any specific date promises until I'm at least past this scene or have some progress, but there IS movement happening. It's just been incredibly slow.

[mellow-cello]

Where'd I go? Where's the next chapter?

So it's been about a year and a half. Way longer than I meant, of course. So... What happened?

A lot of it can be summed up like this: depression snuck up on me, and when I finally started to become less depressed, I just got stressed instead. I'll leave the rest under the cut, but for those mostly curious about the next chapter: it's still being written. I can't say when it'll be done, but I haven't stopped working on it.

Yeah, so depression is a sneaky bitch. I knew I was having trouble, but it just... Became too much for a while. I finally decided to change my medication for depression, but admittedly it was a rough start and I hit a pretty low point at the beginning of this year.

Since then, I've been working on getting back on track, but I just switched out that for life stress it seems like. Another friend is having a mental health crisis, my wife's physical health has become more and more severe, and I've taken to doing website contracts on the side which has been its own tidal wave of stress.

I think about writing often, but it's likely to be a bit longer while things... Happen I guess. Whether I find a new balance or we all collapse, it's gotta change at some point. I know this isn't an update that most folks were looking for, but I can promise I haven't abandoned any of my fanfics. They're just not a priority right now.

[mellow-cello]

Hello! Not a question and I'm sorry if I'm being annoying rn but I have post a few fanarts inspired by "under the surface"(https://twitter.com/aquwo_/status/1669062863858679809?s=61&t=svmof1ffydkIhdwx9oAEHQ) and just wanted to make sure you've notice them. That's okay if you just don't wanna interact with them or something not trynna to press on you! And sorry if 'm being annoying! But this fic is important to me and I just want to show HOW MUCH it is important to me and how much im appreciate &love & adore your work

I am so so so so SO sorry for how long this took. I saw this days ago and absolutely lost it with how much I loved this piece. Admittedly I've been in a weird sort of mental health state for a while, and this absolutely floored me. I honestly have been spending days trying to put into words how much I love this, but I don't think I'll be able to actually articulate it. The care you put into the expressions is phenomenal. The tenderness there in both pieces from Harry to Snape and then Harry to Draco is just... It makes me so damn happy.

In case anyone is having trouble with links in asks, here's a hyperlink so you can put this art into your life faster.