Not Evil, Just Hurt

I don't wanna be alone

[melodious-moi]

Hello Darkness, my old friend 🥀 Knocking at my door again

🥀 Singing blog, ask for main if u want 🥀 minorrr 🥀 she/her 🥀 Christian

Begging me to come outside 🥀 Let you back into my life

singing will be tagged #sym☆sings everything will be tagged #sym☆speaks

Now usually I'd be strong enough 🥀 To lock the door, and keep 'em shut

Used to be my vent/singing blog w/ vents tagged at #sad☆sym- u can ignore those posts. they've been edited so they all say 'Old Vent' with everything under a cut.

But not today, I'm desperate 🥀 So go ahead and come on in

[melodious-moi]

ALICE - PEGGY

[melodious-moi]

Old Vent

I'm Sorry I'm Not

I don’t even know what to say

How to say it

I’m sorry I don’t think of the obvious solutions that you do

You’re a piece of shit sometimes 

You make me feel like shit

You make me feel horrible

About myself

About how I’m not more like you

About how I need to do/be better

Because what I’m doing right now isn’t enough 

I’m not trying hard enough

I’m not doing enough

I love you so much but sometimes you make me hate you

Like, really freaking hate you

I want to snap and scream and yell at you and I can’t

I am physically unable 

Incapable

It’s impossible for me to ever do that to you

To your face

Within earshot

I can only ever do it once I know your not there

And it sucks.

So I just have to yell in your head, in my notebooks, and here.

And half the time I focus on how I’m the problem

I’M SORRY I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH. 

I KNOW I CAN DO BETTER.

IT’S. HARD.

IT’S SO FUCKING HARD AND I’M SORRY.

I WANT TO BE BETTER. I WANT TO STOP MAKING YOU LOOK LIKE THAT

STOP MAKING YOU LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT

I’M SORRY

YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER

SO MUCH BETTER THAN ME

HOW I TREAT YOU

HOW I BEHAVE

THE STRESS I PUT YOU THROUGH

I’M SORRY

FOR HOW I AM

FOR HOW I MAKE YOU FEEL

FOR NOT

BEING

BETTER.

FOR NOT BEING THE DAUGHTER YOU DESERVE

I’M SORRY I’M SUCH A MESS

I’M SORRY I CAN’T DO ANYTHING MYSELF

THE WAY YOU WOULD WANT EVERYTHING DONE

I’M SORRY I WAS BORN WITH ADHD

I’M SORRY I’M SO SHY

I’M SORRY I DON’T LIKE TALKING TO PEOPLE

I’M SORRY I DIDN’T LIKE BLACK WHEN I WAS YOUNGER

I’M SORRY I MADE YOU WEAR COLOUR

I’M SORRY I’M SO DESTRUCTIVE

I’M SORRY I’M SO INCOMPETENT

I’M SORRY I DON’T HELP

I’M SORRY I NEVER HELP

I’M SORRY FOR EVERY TIME I LIED OR STOLE OR BROKE YOUR THINGS

I’M SORRY I’M SUCH AN EMBARRASSMENT

And half the time I’m just so… mad, at you

YOU FUCKING SUCK

I HATE YOU

YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE SHIT

LIKE I’LL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH

LIKE EVERYTHING EVERYWHERE ALL THE TIME IS MY FAULT

LIKE IT’S JUST ME WHO DOES ALL THE HORRIBLE STUFF YOU GET SO PISSY ABOUT 

I HATE YOU

I HATE YOU

I HATE YOU

I HATE YOU

WHY CAN’T YOU JUST LISTEN!?

WHY CAN’T YOU UNDERSTAND???

IT’S LIKE YOU DON’T EVEN TRY

YOU SAY YOUR TRYING

YOU TELL ME THAT I NEED TO MET YOU AT LEAST HALFWAY

BUT YK MOST TIMES IT FEELS LIKE YOU WON’T MEET ME

YOU’RE EXPECTATIONS ARE UNREAL

FINISH AT LEAST 3-4 ASSIGNMENTS EVERYDAY??? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

IT’S A MIRACLE IF I CAN DO THAT

THATS NOT HOW MY BRAIN WORKS

THATS NOW HOW I THINK 

OH WELL I’M SORRY THAT I’M NOT JUST A CARBON COPY OF YOU

BECAUSE YOU WOULD NEVER DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT

YOU WOULD NEVER SAY THAT

YOU WOULD DO THIS INSTEAD

YOU NEVER TREAT YOUR MOTHER THAT WAY- WELL I’M SORRY. I’M SORRY, OK? I’M SORRY I’M NOT YOU. I’M SORRY I’M NOT AS GOOD AS YOU. I’M SORRY WE DON’T HAVE THE SAME STRENGTHS. I’M SORRY I DON’T LIKE THE THINGS YOU LIKE. I’M SORRY I CAN’T DO THE THINGS YOU DO. I’M SORRY I CAN’T DO LIFE LIKE YOU.

Do you remember that one time you called me to say you didn’t want me to resent you? You said you didn’t hate grandma but you resented her for how she treated you and for what she didn’t do and all that? Yea, well, now I do resent you. And I hate myself for not being what you want. For not being what anybody wants. So, yk, thanks for that.

Thank you, so much.

So, who am I?

A girl who resents both her parents.

A girl who hates herself.

A girl who is just tired, and if she weren’t so scared of what comes after, would have killed herself already.

I’m so tired

I want it all to end

I want to be better for you

I want to disappear

I want to be worth it

I want to end it

But I’m scared. 

[melodious-moi]

Old Vent

Think

Just- actually think

Thats what I tell myself sometimes.

Is that what she meant?

Is this the best you can do? You’re capable of more, you know?

Why would she ask you to do this if she only meant that portion?

You shouldn’t be doing this

You’re trying to stop, to be better, remember?

I could have asked?

Why didn’t I think to ask?

Am I just stupid?

[melodious-moi]

Old Vent

ending it seems like the best option most times.

but i'm scared.

[melodious-moi]

Old Vent

I know to much

way to much

why do i know this?

why would you do this?

you're my best friend-

what happened?

[melodious-moi]

Old Vent

I’m sorry

…

I’m sorry I have friends

I’m sorry I had fun yesterday

I’m sorry I’m so tired and out of it today

I’m sorry you both feel horrible because of me

I’m sorry I need help

I’m sorry I never ask for it

I’m sorry the one time I asked and you said yes everything went horribly wrong

I’m sorry that when it comes to me everything is just wrong

I’m sorry everything is my fault

I’m sorry I am who I am

I’m sorry I’m not someone better

I’m sorry I’m failing at my attempts to be better

I’m sorry you were chosen to deal with me

I’m sorry I mess everything up

I’m sorry I’m such a horrible person

I’m sorry I’m selfish

I’m sorry I’m rude

I’m sorry I’m tired

I’m sorry I feel alone

I’m sorry I don’t want to be alone

I’m sorry I want to be loved

I’m sorry I want to be liked 

I’m sorry I make life so hard

I’m sorry I haven’t left already

I’m sorry I’m scared

I’m sorry I’m a coward

I’m sorry I’m not perfect

I’m sorry I’m a burden

I’m sorry I’m such a bad example

I’m sorry I don’t learn properly 

I’m sorry I’m so behind on everything

I’m sorry I don’t know what I’m doing

I’m sorry I’m so quiet but so loud

I’m sorry I don’t know what I want to do in life

I’m sorry for being shy

I’m sorry for not liking social interactions

I’m sorry my head is always up in the clouds

I’m sorry I’m not street smart

I’m sorry I’m not school smart

I’m sorry I’m not good at math

I’m sorry I’m not good at science

I’m sorry I’m not good at English

I’m sorry I’m so messy

I’m sorry I’m not cleaner

I’m sorry I was born, the inconvenience.

I’m sorry

I’m so sorry

(april 19 2025)

[melodious-moi]

Old Vent

It’s not normal

I shouldn’t be scared to come home

I shouldn’t be scared to talk to her about everything. Anything.

I shouldn’t be tense whenever she’s upset

When she’s mad at me, and talking to me, I shouldn’t be watching her hands out of the corner of my eye, checking to see if she’s holding anything sharp or hard, ready to duck or run away if they move unexpectedly.

When I get home I shouldn’t have to stand outside without knocking, preparing myself for what I’ll find when I open the door and go inside.

it's not normal

...is it?

[melodious-moi]

Old Vent

Why Lie?

I stand here confused I stand here and cry I stand here condemned And all because I

Don't learn Don't try Don't help Just lie

I lie... but why?

I lie to my mother I lie to my father I lie to my grandma, sisters, and brother

I lie cause I'm scared I lie cause I'm tired I lie cause i don't know how to stop

That's a lie.

I lie to myself. And when they ask why That is one time that i've never lied

"Why do you lie?" I don't know why "You have to know why."

This always confuses me I have to know why? But what if I don't? What then? I sigh

I don't know why "Cut your bullshit, M2. Surely you know why you do what you do."

But I don't. I feel broken. Lost. Empty. Done. I sing. I write. I read. I pray. But the feeling never goes away.

I feel so dead but also so alive, with the feeling of wanting to shout out "Why!?"

"Why do I lie!?" "Why do I steal!?" Why does the hurt never ever heal? "Why don't I think like others do!?" Why can't I think about others, too? "Why do I make the stupidest mistakes!?"

Why can't I ever cry when I break?

[melodious-moi]

Old Vent

Need sometimes I think about how easy it would be to end it all if nobody needed me. Sometimes I'm convinced no one needs me. My mom doesn't need nor deserve a rude disobedient daughter who is a lair and a thief. My brother doesn't need nor deserve a sister who goes through and destroys his things. My sisters don't need nor deserve a sister who yells at them and hurts them over every little thing. My dad- he isn't even here. But the few times he was he didn't deserve all the things I said to him. (even though I feel like he did) Even though I'm convinced no one needs me, I stick around.  Maybe the weight of living has to get heavier before I can end it.  And then I meet people online who are going through so much worse, and I decide to be there for them.  I listen to them. I comfort them. If they like, I try to help them.  Some of them I manage to save. Others will forever live on in my tears and my memories.  These people I don't know. I know them. I never met them but I know them. I knew them. They are family to me. They need me. Huh... I guess I am needed.  I'll stick around a while longer, then.  I'll learn, love, and lose more people until I am needed no longer. And when that day comes, I hope no one feels the pain I feel.

@loozerboykisser hi, ✍️ anon here. i didn't know if i should tag your main or the vent blog, sorry. I just wanted to say thanks. when i originally sent this in the ask box of the vent account you said this,

and it meant a lot to me, that someone had read, understood, and still said that. Thank you.

[melodious-moi]

I'm not really doing anything with my life... i'm just... there. restless.

[melodious-moi]

bits of Hide and Seek - Lizz Robinett a stairwell

[melodious-moi]

Old Vent

The Words

Yk when you want to scream and cry and rip things off of walls and pull your hair out and destroy stuff but you can't?

And no matter how hard you try your throat stays closed your eyes stay dry your hands stay stiff and still at your sides? 

Thats me. 

I don't know, who I am, but i do know

I'm the quiet shy girl that never speaks to anyone. I'm the funny loyal overprotective friend. I'm the dishonest thieving daughter. I'm the rude stuck up bully older sister. I'm the horrible student. I'm the eldest daughter. I'm the oldest sister. I'm the one to go to if you need help I'm the one who will keep all the secrets I'm the one who always shirks her responsibilities. I'm the one, who loves, craves attention, but hates to admit it. I'm the one who smiles and laughs when I'm nervous.

I was raised to believe one thing, and I will never be able to do anything now that I enjoy without thinking 'this is wrong.' 'I shouldn't be doing this.' 'this... is disgraceful.'

It's all too much.

It all comes together and settles in my stomach, on my chest. It's a heavy weight, and it's crushing me.

There are times when I want to scream so, so much. 

Not even words, but I want- need -to make a sound but I can't because my throat is closing up and it's so tight is physically hurts.

There are times when I want to just lay down on the floor and cry and I can't. It doesn't matter what I do. I literally can't cry. and it hurts.

I try to write, I can't find the words.

I'm searching my memory for a song to sing, but none of them have the right words.

The words I need have yet to be written, and I can't write them.

The words that are how trapped I feel. How alone. How sad, ashamed, worthless, disappointing. How my existence seems to mean nothing at all.

I haven't found the words I guess because I'm still experiencing this. 

Once it's gone, I might know how to describe it.

But it's not gone. It'll never be gone.

So I’m bound to exist here, trapped, scared, alone. Some other word I'll never know.

Not knowing who or what I am.

But smiling through it all.

and it hurts.