The New Discontent @melodiscontent - Tumblr Blog

Silly, Juvenile Thing by Mel O

Silly, Juvenile Thing

By Mel O

January 30, 2021

I have a fantasy—no, a wish-- that someone will do silly, juvenile things with me.

I’ve never been delinquent. I do not want to rebel.

I just want to be “young”.

My childhood was taken away from me. Parents who separate will rely on the eldest child to parent them. The messenger who will get shot every time each message is passed from a mother’s lips to a father’s ears. Do you know how many times I have been shot before? My whole heart is full of bullet woulds that you cannot touch and see, but they’re there, all healed up and yet, feel see-through and empty. I need mending and for some reason, you did that for me.

I didn’t want you to be reliable. I didn’t ask for someone else to make things right. You do it somehow.

When you asked me to come with you to this amusement park and you wanted to go on rides with me. That you wanted to see and hear me scream in both fright and delight, I was worried because you made a wish come true. No one has asked me to be someone’s date to something usual--a cliché.

But you did. And held my hand, walking together with a smile on your face. You wanted to skip and hop on the way to buying tickets, I went along with you.

When you found the booth where you can shoot these miniature toy soldiers with a fake toy gun and bullets, you said you will win a stuffed toy for me. Not even the tiny one—the hugest, bigger than my petite frame.

And there I knew.

I didn’t care if you won the stuffed toy or not. I cared that you wanted to win something for me. I cared that my wish is you all along. And how long I’ve waited to feel like a young person again. I thought I couldn’t feel this way.

And yet here we are. Here you are, here you are, here you are...

#melowrites #story #writing

Writing is hard (I have to)

by MO

I have 18 more articles to write. I’m on a deadline. I listen to M83′s 2008 album ‘Saturdays = Youth’ on Spotify while I write this. I took a break from writing... by writing.

I call myself a ‘writer’ and yet, I haven’t exactly published the Great Novel By Me. I am 40 now and it’s still a pipe dream. The novel is in my head with characters living rent free, having public personas and inner lives wilder than mine. Having petty fights, body-ripping romances, and traveling to places they just thought are great for backpacking during a gap year - what the hell is a gap year? I’m their landlord writing about everything but never about them. Not their melodramatic stories or heated exchanges. Not their silent monologues while on a toxic commute with sweaty and equally depressed strangers or talking to their dog, alone in an apartment with nothing but cola in the refrigerator.

Well, I HAVE stories and they’re all filed in analog filing cabinets in my brain. I just have to get to them... after I write these articles for work first.

Funny. When I write for money, I’m quick and can tap my keyboard like an old time-y typewriter. Clacking away and hurting my already dry fingers from doing household chores and my pompholyx too. 300 words? No problem. Topics would range from the light-to-medium coverage of a BB cream, family vacation spots, a relatable celebrity tweet that makes them like one of the masses, to dating apps that I used and got bored with. I’m a mean, writing ATM if need be.

But the Great Novel By Me or even the Micro Fiction By Me don’t come out easily by any sort of tapping on the keyboard like an old time-y typewriter. I would like to believe that I am a perfectionist. Does this rambling read perfect to you? I never cared for it.

The point is: Writing is hard.

And I chose to do it both professionally and personally. Did I really choose it or was I supposed to be a writer? Destiny. I’ve read a lot of books. My grades in English were high. I think I can tell a good story. Again, it’s hard.

I won’t make excuses. This blog has been a home for my essays, so it’s not as if I haven’t written anything that I can be proud of. Maybe Essays By Me is more my style and pace. Essays can tell a story too, right? Am I telling a story right now?

There’s only so much hours in a day.

As a human being and not a mutant superhero who can stop or add time and travel through it, I need to function within the time frame allowed. I need to nourish myself with food and drink. I need to sleep or I end up having a stroke or my heart stops. What writing can be done if you’ve passed?

Know this: just because I don’t post what I’ve written, doesn’t mean I’ve not written. You may even have read my published works online without knowing it because it’s my bread and butter and that’s what brings the bacon.

Fellow writers know (I hope so?) that nothing intimidates us more than starting. To write the first sentence. A blank page, whether on a notebook or word document on the screen, is the bitch.

I end this sharing or freewriting exercise while I listen to The Temper Trap’s 2009 album ‘Conditions’. Yes, my playlists are more than a decade ago but as the kids say it, each song still slaps.

Writing is hard. You’ve got to find a way to keep on doing it. It’s part of who I am, sometimes a part I wish I didn’t become because the ‘respect’ I get from continuing on, whoo. And it gets better because my fallback should this writing doesn’t really pan out (at 40 LOL), is... art. Why did I have to be so darn creative I can’t stand myself haha.

At least I started and I’ve arrived to the last line of this post. The idea is to start. Just start.

#thoughts #writing #freewriting #art #melowrites

Whenever I feel like I do not feel worthy to be here, I am reminded of that one time in 2014 when I crossed a highway post-haste and almost got hit by a speeding truck.

Let me explain: there was no crosswalk and it was what everyone did. I am uncertain now if it’s the government’s or my fault.

I stopped, looked, and listened like every child taught how to cross anywhere. However, I overstepped and it may have been my reflex or an angel, that I turned around right at the exact moment a truck sped inches behind me!

To this day, I am grateful that either my instinct or something else saved me.

There are days, especially oh-so-long nights, that I don’t know what I’m doing. And I am old to be struggling this way.

Life is hard. But then you don’t get hit by a truck and it’s all worth it.

#thoughts

Save or Cancel Culture?

I am no expert, not even of this generation according to my year of birth. But this culture is rampant, instant, and seemingly decisive. You’re allowed little room to no error, only to live in the black and white and uninterested in the gray.

I have been doing it all the while but call it “editing”. I “edit” people, relationships, artists or celebrities, and even food. Wise people will tell you to sever ties with anything or anyone “toxic”. For the social media-savvy netizen, it’s simply “cancel culture”.

Before I go ramble on about this culture, I will only write about artists and celebrities past and present, dead or alive. I have no psyche degree or philosophy on either being a “canceler” or “cancelee” (I made up these words for my benefit.)

What I do have is a brain that I use to think with and works in tandem with my emotions, what you call my heart. The brain and heart give me the tools to decide if I should cancel or not.

In reality, today’s world is like a walking and breathing dating app – swipe right to like and swipe left for see you later, loser. It’s cancel culture done in seconds.

But the world is more complex than that and if you do use both your brain and heart, what we call “adult” the situation, canceling would take longer and even physically hurt.

Let’s define “cancel culture” based on what have been published online, so far:

“To me, it’s ultimately an expression of agency,” said Meredith Clark, a professor at the University of Virginia’s department of media studies. “To a certain extent: I really do think of it like a breakup and a taking back of one’s power.” Canceling, she said, is an act of withdrawing from someone whose expression — whether political, artistic or otherwise — was once welcome or at least tolerated, but no longer is.

“It’s a cultural boycott,” said Lisa Nakamura, a professor at the University of Michigan who studies the intersection of digital media and race, gender and sexuality. “It’s an agreement not to amplify, signal boost, give money to. People talk about the attention economy — when you deprive someone of your attention, you’re depriving them of a livelihood.”

(Source: “Everyone Is Canceled” by Jonah Engel Bromwich )

How to be canceled?

Just accept that at some point that you will meet someone who will dislike you. You won’t get a reason because you’re not owed one.

If you love to post on your Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, and other social media accounts with commenting not disabled, at some point a name or a bot will dislike you too. There, you’ll get thousands of reasons why they do and let you know about it.

To cancel is to deny one’s credibility. To call you out for being there and being human. To expect accountability for behavior you did as a stupid youngster and learn to become as a woke adult now.

What happens if the one you’re supposed to cancel is your favorite music artist? Is an actor you have a crush on since you were a pre-teen? Or in this moment, it’s your K-Pop boy idol bias?

When canceling should not be hard… but it is.

As a child till maybe in my early 20’s, I understood nothing about standing up for myself or speaking what’s on my mind. Though I was brought up by a single mother and taught not to take shit from anyone, when you go out of your home, the politics is different. I’m a girl. You stay a girl. You are meant to sit prettily and be nice. You want to think out loud, wait, who gave you permission?

Probably the cause to my becoming a writer. My thoughts are on paper, in a journal that only I can see and others won’t be able to judge me for.

Then came social media platforms in my mid-20’s to present. Now you can have anything that pops in your head on full blast, posted whether as words or photographs. You can put your journal entry in its entirety, let family and strangers read it and yikes, even comment!

But we embraced it. Because to be true to yourself, you (over)share. (I’m partially guilty about this and I always apologize to those whose sunny days I cloud over.)

Our access to virtually everybody’s thoughts, ideas, and stances is easy. And yet, when we find out that our faves are problematic, to cancel is a gargantuan undertaking because it’s hard.

Artists and celebrities in the public eye can be compared to demigods. With the right amount of content and superpower, we have been glamoured into believing the personas that they have created and we willingly consume. Unless you are their family, worked or slept with, and was/is married to them, we are not the authority in who they really are. Reel and real lives can be similar or a total contrast of each other.

Right now, your fave’s music is good… but he sexually abused children and women, so your fave’s IRL self is bad. What do you do?

Recently, there’s a surge of accusations and revelations from victims-turned-survivors of powerful and iconic music artists in America, namely Michael Jackson and R. Kelly. I have watched both documentary film projects and discussed these with friends. I was appalled and disgusted. The courts ruled in favor of the defendants at the expense of their accusers. This does not mean they’re innocent. In fact, there was complicity among those involved in these men’s myth-making for the sake of keeping the cash cow healthy. Along the way, children, girls, women and their families had to take care of the fallout.

The grooming happened to fans too. Now fans have to decide to defend or deplore. To cancel or not to cancel? That is the question.

These allegations and court cases have been in my periphery since I was a teenager but again, I didn’t have an opinion. I accepted it as “normal” in their industry; heck, even in all societies around the world, including ours. Thank goodness I grew up and with both my logic and emotion (remember, brain and heart), yes, I should cancel. You lose more when you share you have been sexually abused. That’s why it’s important to believe the victim, whatever background or whoever you see her/him to be. Victim blaming is as real as it gets, however crumbly the path is that lead you to become the victim. It’s never your fault but your abuser is/was a popular and beloved artist, he can never do such a thing to you… right?

I won’t go into patriarchy, misogyny, toxic masculinity and the rest – there’s a ton to unpack talking about these things, maybe another blog post. The two artists I mentioned happened to be men but cancel culture isn’t exclusive to them. “Problematic” faves can be women too (everybody, really), who are not allies of diverse communities, and addicted to words with the affix “phobe” in them. But I get what’s said here about why cancel culture exists because “justice culture” almost always does not:

“It's not by happenstance that the main targets of cancel culture are men who are believed to be sexually abusive, after all. The debate over sexual abuse is really a debate over justice, and over the ways that certain kinds of crimes and transgressions aren't taken as seriously as others. If you slap a co-worker, you will likely be fired; if you grope them, it's still an open question. If you punch someone in a bar, you're probably getting arrested. If you rape them later that night, there's a decent chance you'll get away with it.

This disparity is what cancel culture is reacting to. If we can't lock you up or take away your livelihood, we can make it embarrassing -- at least in some corners of society, anyway -- to play your records or watch your movies. It's a small and largely symbolic gesture, but it feels better than nothing, and nothing is what we mostly have now. But if there was already something better than nothing — if there were real consequences for those who commit sexual abuse — then cancel culture wouldn't feel necessary, and likely wouldn't exist.”

(Source: “Can we still listen to Michael Jackson? We wouldn't need "cancel culture" if we had justice culture” by Amanda Marcotte)

As of writing, it looks like justice is slowly catching up to popular K-Pop idols such as SeungRi of BigBang and singer Jong JoonYoung. Fellow idols have also been implicated with their own criminal activities. (Kindly Google for allegations and updates as I will only talk about the general crimes allegedly committed and how I, a K-Ppop fan, reacts to it. Also, there’s something new everyday and I can hardly keep up.)

The infamous group chat of idols, club owners, and influential men in government is old and yet the indiscretions and criminality are new.

Because we didn’t know.

That’s why it’s “new” because they did it in private.

Again, this is an entertainment industry riddled with egos and power. The “I’m a celebrity and can get away with it” card was used to the maximum.

Alleged spycam footage of private moments with ex and current girlfriends and sharing them among friends. Alleged making light of said activity, knowing full well the monstrosity and yet, all done in good fun without anyone in the group chat calling it out. Alleged providing of women as escorts to business investors. It’s like playing toxic masculinity bingo and you don’t ever want to win.

As someone who follows K-Pop, I was disappointed but not surprised. At the end of the day, they are human after all.

My K-Pop friends and I adore our faves but we are also adults and do not buy the “pure and innocent” glazed public images they have. We know they are grown men with wants and needs. We know they can be naughty and nice. We always say that when it comes to K-Pop (and people in general), “Walang malinis! (Nobody’s that clean!)” We’re not perfect and have our secrets. My hope as a fan is that my fave/s are good people. They don’t have to be pure and innocent. They just have to be.

By the way, did I cancel these idols? To begin with, I didn’t subscribe so it was easy to cancel. But you have to think about their fans, those who spent time, energy, and money to love them.

Now it’s a test of loyalty: to your bias or your humanity. I feel bad for both the victims and fans.

The idols have said they will retire from working in the entertainment industry altogether. Hopefully, while in retirement, justice has also been served.

Can you be un-canceled?

This depends. Especially if the canceled fave artist or celebrity has felt remorse or repented. To know if it’s genuine, again, you discern for yourself. The litmus test for un-canceling is on you.

I agree that there’s room to grow, a character development that can be authentic, and a chance to save grace. We should educate problematic faves about accountability and their responsibility in being influential public figures.

“The main issue with call-out culture, however, is that we lose opportunities to educate, especially within activist spaces. Instead of calling out people by insulting and shaming them, we would do better to take time to explain why what they said was hurtful or problematic.”

(Source: “The problem with cancel culture” by Garnett Achieng )

Cancel culture shouldn’t be about impulse only – it’s a process. There’s a maturity to owning up to your mistakes and learning from them. If you committed a crime, do the time. Should your canceled faves return to the spotlight when they’ve been gone a while? Review the severity of why they were canceled in the first place. Just remember that before becoming a fan of anyone, you are a person first.

Love turns to hate and ultimately, indifference with cancel culture. Indifference is not caring. One of the points of being an artist or celebrity is to be relevant and part of a fan or a mere observer’s life. Erasure is not an option.

But if canceling your fave does not affect an iota at all to them, maybe it’s time to rethink why you stanned.

Fans grow with their faves and idols. It’s the reason why nostalgia concerts happen and become successful.

If your faves and idols don’t grow up and remain the same, vile person that they were, then as a fan, you’re allowed to outgrow them. And that’s the worst cancel culture of all.

#thoughts #essay #cancelculture #cancel #canceled #fans #artists #faves #celebrities

BTS and me: How I became an ARMY

By Mel O

What prompted me to write this “confessional” of sorts was watching “Burn The Stage: The Movie”. I will do a review but before you get that, I’ll introduce myself to you:

I am a fangirl. To be exact, I am a BTS ARMY.

I am not an official fan club member. The fan club website is all in Hangul and my Korean is as basic as it gets. My proficiency amounts to the lyrics I know care of BTS songs, K-Pop in general, K-Dramas, and words I picked up ordering food in Seoul and Busan. But in all sense of the word, I am as “official” as can be.

Being a fangirl of BTS, now the most popular K-Pop artist in the world, is not all happiness. There’s a hell of suffering too. (All my ladies, put ya hands up?) The amount of ecstasy equates to the agony. I’ve always described it as (in)voluntarily jumping into a deep well with Sadako keeping me company. I keep my head above water – it’s frightening but I always survive, anyway.

Why did I jump into this well? Why so into deep?

#thoughts melowrites melowrites2019 bts

Blushed On

(Note: I had wanted to write and post this a few days after the con but I had my oral surgery and was in no state to be writing about it. This needed a TL;DR post because it’s a subject matter that cannot be dealt with lightly.)

On February 10th, I and a friend went to BLushcon 2018. It’s the third time for her, a first for me. My friend, Danice, convinced me to go because our interest was piqued by this talk, “Prostituting Jimin: On the ethics of shipping real-life K-pop idols”.

Context: I am an Army, meaning I am a fan of the K-pop artist, BTS. I have been since late 2015. My love for them stems from a very deep place which I haven’t had the courage to discuss in writing. Let’s just say that there’s a reason why their song “Save Me” is my ultimate favorite. I will share in another post how, when, who’s my bias and bias wrecker, and other things K-pop that I feel I am invested in. For now, know that it has made a huge difference in the way I see myself, my life, and the people around me. I have become a better version of myself.

With that out of the way, the “Jimin” in the title of the talk is a member of BTS: a lithe, lead dancer and vocalist with a penchant for flirting on stage with other members or viewers, and at opportune times, would flash his abs. Park Jimin debuted with BTS at 17 years old in 2013. Today he is 22 years old (24 Korean age) and is popular in his country of South Korea, the world, and the fan fiction universe. Note that in K-pop, hair colors change, not even every year but per “era” - the concept of a music video or album. Jimin currently is blonde and he is successful as blonde. Among all the hair colors, blonde is what gives him that edge somehow.

“Prostituting Jimin” is a provocative title, indeed. How did our speaker, Thomas Bidaunette, came about this provocation? If it was to entice an Army like me, consider it done because I was at the BLushcon event. And I’ll tell you my experience.

BLushcon is not free. The BL in the event is short for “Boys’ Love”, and as it suggests, it is about love between boys. Yes, it is gay and how did a straight girl get into this? Curiosity. My friend and I paid for the premium ticket wherein you can get into the event, get a swag bag at registration, experience the games booth, and attend the talks. The venue was a good enough space for attendees, my estimate with the booth sellers and event attendees, there may be around 250 people who were there. A stage was set up with the organizer announcing speakers, inviting attendees to buy merch from the sellers, and telling everyone to enjoy themselves. As I waited for my friend at the registration area, this was the scene:

To see young people carry an LGBT flag is quite impressive. When I was younger this cannot be. At least kids these days celebrate it; in fact I was so surprised that young people were at the event at all, most of which are young women in their college years or early twenties yuppies.

Once inside, you can see kids cosplaying characters from anime, Haikyu!! Other young men were also there, roaming around together at the booth sellers’ wares from stickers, impressive prints, pins, toys, accessories, shirts, zines, and more. I wish I knew most of the anime or ships being rendered through fanart and merch but what I saw, Yuri On Ice was still a hit. Every seller had YOI selling on the tables and based on the variety I saw, they’re already “mild” than most. Remember, we are in the Philippines and this con is only on its third year, so though BL is spoken or written about, any depiction of it in an overt way is still a shock for most. You can say that BL here is a bit discreet or even taboo, considering that we have celebrities and an openly transgender woman in congress right now. Compared to other Southeast Asian neighbors, we’re good in terms of tolerance. Acceptance is another thing since we are inherently Catholic in how we set our “values.”

We checked each table and admired the talent in the events place. I had expected a different room for the talks but apparently, the stage was it and you had the option to either sit or stand as the speakers go in front. We paid extra thinking this will be separate from the booth/event floor but it didn’t matter. We paid for the swag which had a couple of stickers and a patch, not the privilege of sitting comfortably on plastic chairs. Tough.

Let’s begin

For the talk proper, I was surprised to see our speaker, Thomas Bidaunette’s face on the projector screen - via Skype. I thought he was going to appear in the flesh on stage. I forgot that Thomas Bidaunette is an actual Lecturer in Japanese Studies in the Department of International Studies at Macquarie University in Sydney, Australia. We have technology in place for him not to fly to Manila for that. You may find his profile and papers here.

Mr. Bidaunette declared himself an Army first - he’s of my fandom, so he loves BTS too. I can imagine with his degree and line of work that he can be interested in shipping and K-pop idols, that’s why he ended up being our resource person for this particular talk. He started by explaining the rise of Korean Wave or Hallyu around the world and used BTS and EXO as the photos, so my friend and I were pleased. Danice is an EXO-L and multi-fandom while I dubbed myself a “one-dom” because I am not a multi-tasker and only fangirls will understand how much work already goes into one bias group. This doesn’t mean I am unaware of other groups; only my energy is focused on just one.

Korean Wave or Hallyu is the ubiquity of Korean entertainment, whether it’s a popular drama, movie or K-pop. In the West, they think it began with PSY’s “Gangnam Style” in 2012. For us who have experienced this firsthand, it’s way earlier than that. I cannot pinpoint the exact artist or music video that sparked the introduction of K-pop, I am no expert. I am an amateur fangirl compared to those who know First Generation K-pop artists. But with the clout K-pop artists have over fans across cultures, K-pop is a genre of music representing Asia right now. It breaks boundaries, stereotypes, and gender norms in how Asians do music and entertainment. (I will write something about my affinity for K-pop in another post.)

Beautiful boys in love

And now on to what Boys’ Love or boizu rabu means: a genre of Japanese pop culture between love of beautiful boys; also known as “yaoi” and in the West, “slash”. Japanese girls brought forth BL through shojo mangas which were mostly authored by women with women fans. Though BL would have wild subject matters, it follows tropes that are expected by fans.

At one point, BL from Japan came to South Korea. If in shojo manga, original fictional characters are shipped together, in Korea real-life K-pop idols are more popular. Mr. Bidaunette added that there is now what he calls “Korpanese” pop culture where K-pop fans use Japanese terms such as “senpai” for their K-pop idols. A standard line in manga and anime is “Notice me, senpai!” You say that when you have a huge crush on an older, beautiful flower boy, whether out loud or in your head. Mr. Bidaunette then played a YouTube fan-made video of Jimin of BTS with the text senpai on it.

An intro to BTS or in Hangul, Bangtan Sonyeondan, was given. Mr. Bidaunette asked permission from fan artists to use their art and comics for his Powerpoint presentation. One of these was a fan’s comic on his/her narrative on becoming an Army. I know this story too well and the basic gist is: you saw a music video, liked it, watched all their music videos and listened to their albums, saw other content, followed them on social media, a bias chose you, the other members bias-wreck you, bought their merch, went to concerts, rinse, repeat for years. I can tell who fell down the rabbit hole sincerely and those who bandwagon, though.

Shipping without sails

Mr. Bidaunette proceded to explain what Real Person Slash (Coupling) is. Basically, you do this by “shipping”, a practice of pairing real people together in homoerotic situations. I am not new to shipping. In the 90′s I’ve read fan fiction on my favorite TV shows: Mulder and Scully in “The X-Files,” Buffy and Angel or Buffy and Spike from “Buffy: The Vampire Slayer,” Max and Liz from “Roswell” - the difference now is I understand shipping same-sex. I grew up in a very conservative, Catholic time. I was taught that only a man and a woman can be together or fall in love with each other. You go beyond that, it’s a scandal, an immoral thing. Of course, as I grew older I had to unlearn this shortsightedness and don’t believe in this anymore. Love is love, your choice is not other people’s business, and equality for all. I educated myself by being with friends with an open mind, reading about it, and empathy. Now shipping to me is not a matter of genders - it’s the characters or people whom you prefer that do.

Additionally, shipping is considered an “affective fan behavior that allows for play with the celebrity, provides space to explore sexuality and pleasure safely, and an expression of fannish support”, said Mr. Bidaunette. Though there is shipping in K-pop fandom, real person slash is still considered not as mainstream. To compare, he showed a fan magazine from Japan featuring BTS that specifically focused on their “ships” or couplings within the seven members. That blatant. In Japan, it’s no big deal; in fact, celebrated and out in the open. BTS and its management know this well. The amount of fan service they do in their fan meets and concerts in Japan show that they are aware of this effective measure to keep fans enticed and interested.

But then came the debates that real person slash is not “innocent” or “gentle”. Mr. Bidaunette further explained that there is a tendency for it to be highly sexualized and explicit that it borders into erotica or porn. And that in most of the fan fics that would use Jimin as a character, there is a “canon” in place and he usually is presented as a “submissive bottom”. This brought us to “Prostituting Jimin”, the title of his talk.

Mr. Bidaunette is Australian, so he gave his insights on his country’s shipping culture first, and then Japan and the Philippines next. In Australia, shipping is common among young women as well but he said there is a sub-culture among white, gay men who sexualize Korean boy groups. This would lead to problematic practices such as “raceplay” or “orientalism”. My take on this is being Korean becomes a fetish, an “exotic” choice because of its other-ness.

The laws in Australia are strict, similar to Scandinavian countries with strong penalties for child pornography. Mr. Bidaunette read the most extreme fanfic on Jimin while in Manila because he couldn’t read it in his home country. The fanfic was extremely graphic - it actually had rape and other obscene things. Most fanfics are tagged, so you’d know what you’re getting into when you read them. He added that just because you read these types of fanfics, does not necessarily mean you will act the same. True, because I’ve read and watched content about serial killers but I have no intention to do the same -- I actually would like to do the opposite. For anyone to write graphic, highly sexualized and violent things in a fic but with real persons as main characters, you do have to think long and hard about ethics of it all.

In Japan, Mr. Bidaunette called shipping culture as “vibrant” and would cover broader BL fandoms and practices. To say that shipping culture here, BL or not, is thriving? An understatement.

For us here in the Philippines, shipping exists in social media and we are more invested in what’s canon. Mr. Bidaunette brought up the phenomena that was AlDub a few years back, a classic “love team” of a girl and a boy who fall in love as characters on TV but are shipped as real-life lovers off camera. I agree. We are a fatalistic kind of people. We’re all about The One and soulmates. That we will find this person “in God’s time.”

So, what happens now?

For me, Mr. Bidaunette didn’t pin down if shipping K-pop idols is either right or wrong, ethically. He brought up points and made you think your own conclusions instead. The way I see it: shipping is what we can control; it’s what makes us get through the day. It’s a complicated thing because real people are at the heart of it but as long as you don’t force it on others or you declare it as “truth” as if you know the K-pop idols well, you’re fine. And let’s face it, K-pop idols are hyper aware of fanfics and shipping. They have read or monitored activities related to shipping. The amount of fan service from skinship to flirting on stage are not accidents. That’s another day on the job.

Our speaker also didn’t break down or offer a theory on why Jimin is the most popular K-pop idol shipped with other BTS members. I had expected a slide on this but it never appeared. In my opinion, Jimin has that fluidity in terms of features, he’s the smallest in height, the lightest in weight whom everyone can carry and give piggy back rides to, and is naturally cute. Aside from this, Jimin is a full-on flirt demon and he does this not just to his fellow members, but with fans and other celebs whom he interacts with. Jimin is the most popular Bangtan in Korea because he works everyone up. To have that effect and power? I need to attend that master class.

Who’s your bias?

Because Mr. Bidaunette said he was an Army, during the ask him questions portion, I had to know and took the mic: “You said you are an Army. What triggered you to become an Army?”

I got him to laugh and all flustered at the question. He answered that his first mv was BTS’ “We Are Bullteproof Pt.2″ and from there, he searched for other videos and learned more about them.

Of course my follow-up question was “Who’s your bias?”

He answered, “Min Yoongi”. Aka Suga.

He asked me whom I shipped, so I said JiKook (Jimin and Jungkook). That was the first time I said that out loud too. The mic was then passed onto others and we got VKook (V and Jungkook) and NamJin (Namjoon/RM and Jin). So in Manila, these three are canon, if you will.

After the talk, I and Danice did some games at what they called an “Experience Booth” and joined forces with three other people in a darkened room to search for five items on the list with little torches. We completed the scavenger hunt and got stickers out of it. There was three hours left of the event but because there were no chairs and we stood up the entire talk, we were beat and called it a day. My first BLushcon was interesting and though I’m new to anything BL, I’m glad it is making its presence felt in the Philippines. Right now it seems niche and for young people who study in expensive universities because they can afford really pricey merch and cosplay outfits. But it’s a start.

#thoughts #essay #blushcon2018 #bl #boyslove #jimin #parkjimin #bts #shipping #kpop #otp #canon #thomasbidaunette #fanfiction #fanfic

Reading the writing

I have just realized that my Tumblr had been an organized chaos of images, quotes and my own writing. But now I’d like to focus more on writing.

For a simpler way of finding what I’ve written, the tl;dr ones, you can go to this tag instead: http://melodiscontent.tumblr.com/tagged/Thoughts

For short prose fics, you may read them here: http://melodiscontent.tumblr.com/tagged/melowrites

#thoughts #writing #freewriting #blog #writtenbymelo

I Went to Cape Town, South Africa – It Was Beautiful

Last June, we were told I and a teammate will be sent for training in Cape Town, South Africa. It was surreal. There were two other tentative places abroad but it ended up with this destination. There was a moment that I couldn’t enjoy the good news because of some innocent enough jests from friends that maybe I shouldn’t go and let others take my place since I already went for a training in Copenhagen, Denmark in February. I didn’t know how to process that but I called it out and it stopped.

South Africa seemed far-off to me. I talk of wanting to travel the world but the reality is, I’m Filipino and my passport isn’t exactly powerful enough to command backpacking trips to any country of my choosing. In addition, I’ve only recently had a job that could at least sustain a seemingly okay adult single life with a few hobbies, including travel. My happy place has been Seoul, South Korea in recent years (I’ll write another blog entry why this is sometime). If I could return to it as often as I could, I would. Any continent beyond Asia would be a stretch.

When this good fortune was chanced upon me, I immediately told my best friend. I told her the other tentative destinations – Miami, USA and Genoa, Italy – had been scrapped and I will be sent to Cape Town, South Africa instead. The moment she said “Don’t you like that – you have gone to three continents already,” I started to feel happy about my situation. She put it in perspective and it was the best one yet. After that, I was set to make this experience count.

But first, the stress

Only until the first week of August were I and my teammate able to work on our travel documents. For two months our company had its network systems down and we couldn’t use our computers. The travel agent that we tapped to assist us just added to the stress, asking for extra documents that we need to take hours off from work to do or not being prompt with our requests. Up until 31st of August, my teammate was uncertain of his South African visa and both our flights for a scheduled September 2nd trip were not booked yet. By end of work day, everything was settled. To say that my heart was in my esophagus the entire time would be an understatement.

Because of our busyness to get our travel documents ready, I and my teammate weren’t able to research much on what we were supposed to do when we got to Cape Town. Of course our colleagues, family and friends asked that we shouldn’t forget seeing Simba and the zebras, typical country branding when you hear “Africa”. We were going to Cape Town though, one of the most cosmopolitan cities in that continent. Even the most controversial because of its history of apartheid. If anything, this and Nelson Mandela were the “real” country branding for South Africa.

There is no direct flight from Manila to Cape Town. Originally our travel agent gave us a flight option of Manila – Hong Kong – Johannesburg – Cape Town and I and my teammate said WTF. Travel is tedious and it will take more than 24 hours for us to get there already, we might as well get a flight with one connection. We opted for Manila – Doha – Cape Town instead.

Before we could board our flight to Doha, we lined up for an hour at our own immigration. I know, right, but this isn’t new to us. To be fair, our Terminal 1 airport had made improvements. The last time I rode a plane there was when I was 3 years old and though small, at least it’s well-lit and there are clean tissue rolls in the bathrooms.

I look Korean, omo

I haven’t written about my trips to Copenhagen and Paris but there was one thing that was constant – I was spot checked in every airport in Paris (my contacts solution) and Copenhagen (long coat). At a layover in Dubai, a ground crew asked me questions on why I was going to Copenhagen before I could board. I was the only one in Copenhagen, among my other Filipino teammates, who took a longer time going through immigration. My passport was checked and I was asked a couple more questions than them. The first two small-eyed foreigners in front of my line, Taiwanese, took a while too.

While we waited to board our connection for Cape Town in Doha, a blonde European woman gave me and my teammate a bottle of Coke each. It was so random and nice we just said our thank you. Once our flight number was called, we went in line and had our passports and boarding passes checked by ground crew. Again, my passport pages were skimmed through, making sure my South African visa stated what I just said that I’m going there for a business meeting.

And I know why these happened. Both in February and first week of September, North Korea tested missiles. Being that I look like a Korean, I got racially profiled. I don’t get mistaken as Filipino in my own country, so this doesn’t surprise me. I’m quite disoriented when it happened to me abroad because it actually exists. I would like to travel even more but it can get disheartening when this singling out happens. I know airport employees are doing their jobs and yet, profiling is a nasty feeling you would think you did something wrong.

Welcome to Cape Town

“Beautiful” – that’s all I ever said in Cape Town.

We took an Uber from the airport to get us to our hotel and driving the 20 minutes we had Table Mountain in view. A few kilometers from the airport were “townships”, these were the shanties or informal settlements as well. Manila is congested with our own shanties, so seeing iron sheets for roofing and wood scraps for walls are normal sights for me.

Our hotel was at the swanky waterfront area. We were always surrounded with seagulls, their sound and shit. The sound of seagulls for the seven days I was there was all I heard, more than crickets at night. Yes, even at night they made sounds. The crashing waves I missed hearing because I haven’t been to the beach since last year and I’m in the Philippines, that’s what we’re famous for. Although I bleed city girl, I’m from the tropics and we were raised to love our beaches and the sounds of crashing waves. The moment we checked into our hotel rooms, we bathed and slept. I had planned to watch the sunset but I had to be woken up by a phone call for dinner by my teammate. If I didn’t receive that call, I would have slept till the next day.

We had two free days, one before our three-day training and one right after. For Day 1, our itinerary was riding the cableway to the top of nearby Table Mountain, called the “gem” of Cape Town. In South Africa though, they are very particular about weather conditions. Any forecast of strong winds will already close down attractions and cancel tours. On our Table Mountain sojourn, the cableway was closed because of the bleak weather forecast. We had no other plans that day but luckily my teammate thought fast, “Let’s do the Peninsula tour.”

The hotel concierge said they will find us a driver/guide and told us to wait for a couple of hours because we tried to book one on short notice. We took the hotel shuttle first to V&A Waterfront where the mall, restaurants, and other attractions were. If you wanted to take a ferry to Robben Island, the prison Nelson Mandela and other political prisoners were sent to, this was the first stop. We went into the Maritime Centre for the time being.

Back in the hotel we found our driver/guide in a suit. Apparently, the tour needed a BMW. It was our first time to ride in one.

The half-day road trip

Our driver/guide Aqeeva was an experienced pro. By the moment we hopped into the car, he started telling us about Camp’s Bay (Little Miami of Cape Town) where all the one percent lived, the privileged and richest of South Africa. He pointed a sculpture of glasses at a park that when you looked through it, you’ll see Robben Island. “See through the eyes of Nelson Mandela,” he said. Because Mandela had to be imprisoned for so long fighting to abolish apartheid, yet he still managed to come out and forgive.

The tour was kind enough that Aqeeva would let us hop off the car to take in sceneries or capture sights with our cameras and phones. At Maiden’s Cove, we saw the first of mountains and oceans combos. With the winds through my hair, I already knew I was going to have a great time. My hair, not so much.

When we got to Hout, Aqeeva began getting real. He showed us another township and explained what “locations” meant: the places where the South African blacks were relocated after the abolition of apartheid. He said that we were going to drive by the most expensive school, Hout International School, which made him angry because why ask for such tuition when majority of the population cannot afford their meals. The international school is said to have students who are descendants of the pioneers of apartheid.

We drove by a corrections facility nearby, Pollsmoor Prison, where Nelson Mandela was incarcerated for two years before he was exiled to Robben Island. My teammate wanted to stop and take photos but Aqeeva had a better idea: see it from above. After the prison was this massive white structure and it turned out, it was the American Embassy. If you wanted to make an appointment, you’d really have to pay gas to get there. We went uphill and stopped the car, so we could go down and view the prison facility from the top. The winds were getting stronger and it was the first video of a few I took, struggling not to be blown away, saved on my phone.

The entire trip Aqeeva taught us how to say Afrikaans words which were difficult because it’s mostly Dutch and it’s a language that involves a lot of hacking sounds as if you’ve got to expel something from your mouth. During the drive I also kept seeing a symbol attached to road signs. Aqeeva said that if you see that symbol, it means it’s a national park. The symbol is the head of an impala – I thought it was the top of a bikini. Aqeeva LOL-ed at me and said he will tell this to his buddies. I facepalmed internally in shame but my brain has never seen an impala symbol/icon before. I said my sincerest apologies for it.

Simon’s Town was a quaint little town; you can even say it’s cute. Just like its celebrity residents – the African Penguins at Boulders Beach. Penguins in Africa. PENGUINS. I felt really blessed to be among these beautiful creatures. They’re endangered but seeing the penguins content in their natural habitat with the rest of the colony was wonderful - peaceful even. I’ve seen penguins in zoos before but it really is majestic to see them outside. We had a boardwalk and wooden barricades between us but still, the penguins moved freely on the boulders, sand, and in water. Baby penguins were in their nests and brown fur.

We were onto our last leg of the tour, the Capes, if you will – Cape of Good Hope and Cape Point. To see these, we had to enter Table Mountain National Park. Aqeeva told us the grounds we would see here have been untouched for thousands of years, only the main road for tourists was made on top of it. If we were lucky, ostriches, zebras, and elans can be seen – the latter spotted camouflaged on the side of a mountain.

Now history time: Vasco Da Gama, a Portuguese explorer, landed on Cape of Good Hope. This name and location I had to study in school for and I was driving there. Aqeeva let us hang out at Cape of Good Hope for a while to experience it. The winds would take you back to your car if you weren’t careful. I could imagine how rough it would’ve been back then. But that was the beginning of South Africa’s colonization.

At Cape Point, a funicular will take you to the old, non-working lighthouse that served as a beacon for ships and sailors for centuries. Here, one wrong step and your phone could be hurled by the strong winds into the rocky cliff or worse, you yourself. At this time my hair was only a thing that covered my scalp.

Driving back to our hotel, we saw old main streets with their mom-and-pop stores and cars parked in surf towns. We saw whales and dolphins swimming in the ocean as we drove past. Aqeeva said that all beaches in South Africa are public and if you want to take a dip, just go. This was a result of apartheid because when it was in effect, blacks were not allowed to swim in beaches with the whites.

Table Mountain was unrecognizable because it seemed the clouds ate it up. You would think a monster was hiding inside it and was about to pop out. Aqeeva pointed out an unfinished bridge in the middle of the CBD (Central Business District) that’s still entangled in a legal battle (I said we have the same kind of bridge in the Philippines too!) And that majority of Cape Town is actually reclaimed land – it used to be the ocean. That’s why at the Maritime Centre we saw an old scale model of Cape Town with more bodies of water than concrete.

With the trip over by 6pm and us safely in the hotel, we were ready to eat our very late lunch. I’m surprised I didn’t drop dead from hunger, considering that we were on the road for a good five hours, drank only a bottle of water and shared a small packet of Korean brownie I brought in my small clutch bag. The beautiful sights proved to be enough sustenance.

A good day to stroll

We had our three-day training and enriched ourselves with new knowledge that we can apply to our work. It was good to be around other foreigners, sharing ideas and backgrounds. An Indian from Mumbai asked me, “Did you grow up in Manila?” I answered yes but had to ask why the question. She shrugged it off yet I knew because I speak fluent English with an American accent. I’m Filipino – that’s the only way we speak English. It connotes that English fluency may mean having been educated in the West. I studied in schools founded on the American education system. This is the result of years of that.

On our last free day in Cape Town, we had hoped to get up to Table Mountain and ride the ferry to Robben Island. Again, adverse weather conditions prevented us from doing both and though disappointed with no more time to wait for good weather, I and my teammate took a day of strolling at V&A Waterfront. It was also the remaining day we could buy souvenirs for friends and family, so we took it.

Side note: It’s spring in Cape Town right now with 19 degrees Celsius in daytime but drops to 11 degrees Celsius or lower at night. I had to put on layers of sweaters because I didn’t bring winter-grade coats thinking it was spring, anyway. Weather is unpredictable in Cape Town because our Peninsula tour was a sunny day, our three-day training was rainy, and our last free day sunny again. When it rains, the winds don’t let up and it feels like winter.

The Waterfront proved to be equally as historical. This was one of the ports of trade centuries ago and now a bustling site for businesses and real estate. An old captain’s post is now a four-story souvenir shop. There’s a red leaning clock tower beside a swing bridge (it was fun to wait for it to return to place after a boat sails past). There are restaurants by the docks (we had our lunch of steak and pie there listening to a two-man band playing easy listening tunes). There were schoolchildren waiting their turns to ride a ferry for a field trip (a young boy said “hello” to me and I said the same to him – did I look “new” to you, kid?) Buskers of all kinds, choral groups, those who only play instruments, and singers doing covers were everywhere (they were territorial, a soloist busker had to stare down a group of brass performers at the Nobel Square).

Here we also got an introduction to Robben Island, a mini museum if you will of what to expect on the island. This served as our education already of apartheid and Nelson Mandela. On one of the walls it defined apartheid as “an official government policy of racial segregation formerly practiced in the Republic of South Africa, involving political, legal and economic discrimination against black South Africans.”

The rest of the displays showed how systematic the policy was in displacing blacks and ensuring they remained uneducated and powerless. Apartheid was founded after 1946 – that’s not even colonial times anymore. If we had gone to Robben Island we could be more enlightened. But stepping into that threshold will make you think and feel already. Not the good kind but that’s a good thing.

We wanted to see an art museum but it was still closed, so at the last minute, got tickets to Two Oceans Aquarium where sea creatures from the Indian and Atlantic Oceans are exhibited. Inside, we met a marine biologist who taught us about a strawberry anemone, how it eats miniscule shrimps (there was a microscope that projected on a TV), and its symbiotic relationship with clown fishes (Finding Nemo). She was fascinated to learn that we came from the Philippines and told us that since the sea creatures they housed were from cold waters, they’re rather small. But where we come from, warm waters mean bigger fishes, sharks, and anemones. I told my teammate, “Do I want to swim in our beaches now?!”

Going back to our hotel, we decided to maybe squeeze in either Table Mountain or Robben Island before our 3PM flight the next day. But upon double checking our schedule, we were flying out of Cape Town at 1PM. Good thing we re-checked because we could’ve stayed in Cape Town more than we wanted to and be in trouble at that.

Beautiful is too simple a word

I am blessed to have been given the opportunity to go to Cape Town and experience Africa, in general. We have colleagues from Nigeria, Kenya, Cameroon, and Senegal who told us the differences between their countries and South Africa. The fact is: South Africa is NOT Africa. It cannot speak for all the countries of this vast continent. We actually got to the posh side of Africa with the rich and turbulent history of apartheid and Nelson Mandela. Based on our driver/guide Aqeeva, he feels his country will slowly continue to bridge the gap between the privileged and the poor. He was honest to tell us that there’s a class struggle still going on but he’s optimistic.

Will I return to South Africa or Africa? I need to be realistic and say, with the proper resources, I will. Did I ever dream I could go there? No, because I never thought I would. But I did and it was beautiful. My business now is to read more about the country and its history, which should have been my homework before I went there. It’s unbecoming of a traveler but I caught up.

The South Africans we spoke to, whites and blacks, were kind and helpful. My favorite interaction was us eating at The Apache Spur, a family restaurant in the Waterfront mall. Now the irony of having an Apache-themed resto in the middle of South Africa did not go past me. I struggled with the cultural appropriation myself but whole families ate there and the food was great. It served ribs, burgers, and steaks. When our orders were being taken, the black South African waitress asked mine.

“One steak please, 200 grams.”

She asked, “Okay, how do you like it?”

“Well done,” I answered.

“WELL DONE!” she shrieked.

Consider her shookt. She left with a smile on her face, probably laughing inside because a foreign girl asked for a well-done steak. Which I prefer, by the way.

And that’s how I can describe my trip to Cape Town, South Africa: WELL DONE, indeed.

#blog 2017 #essay 2017 #cape town 2017 #south africa 2017

gentle-reminder

gentle reminder

it’s okay if you disconnect for a while to regain yourself

20aliens-deactivated20200625

watercolor on paper by Mark Adams.

I have not been on Tumblr for a while because life happened. After going to Paris and Copenhagen, I also returned to Seoul and in between, I work and dream some more. I'd like you to know that I have gotten myself out of drowning and am living in moments, making memories, being my true self that I have either repressed or have not discovered before. I now understand what happy could look and better yet, feel like. Not every time but it's a day at a time. I will never be content but at least I know how to be when it matters.

#thoughts

itscolossal

An Expansive Pavilion of Architectural Elements Constructed from Wire Mesh by Edoardo Tresoldi

nevver

Return to Magenta, Elsa Bleda

oaluz

Exercise: Exploring New Ways of Being in Relationships

Let’s create a profile of emotional maturity that you can work towards. The following lists present a picture of how an emotionally mature person might interact and behave in relationships. Read through the following lists of new behaviours, beliefs and values and choose a few to practice. Just pick one or two at a time, and be gentle with yourself as you work on them. Some might be harder than others.

Being Willing to Ask for Help:

I’ll ask for help whenever I need to.

I’ll remind myself that if I need something, most people will be glad to help if they can.

I’ll use clear, intimate communication to ask for what I want, explaining my feelings and the reasons for my request.

I’ll trust that most people will listen if I ask them to.

Being Myself, Whether People Accept Me or Not:

When I state my thoughts clearly and politely, without malice, I won’t try to control how people take it.

I won’t give more energy than I really have.

Instead of trying to please, I’ll give other people a true indication of how I feel.

I won’t volunteer for something if I think I’ll resent it later.

If someone says something I find offensive, I’ll offer an alternative viewpoint. I won’t try to change the other person’s mind; I just won’t let the statement go unremarked upon.

Sustaining and Appreciating Emotional Connections:

I’ll make a point of keeping in touch with special people I care about and returning their calls or emotional messages.

I’ll think of myself as a strong person who deserves to give and receive help from my community of friends.

Even when people aren’t saying the “right” thing, I’ll tune in to whether they’re trying to help me. If their effort makes me feel emotionally nurtured, I’ll express my gratitude.

When I’m irritated with someone, I’ll think about what I want to say that could improve our relationship. I’ll wait until I cool off and then ask if the other person is willing to listen to my feelings.

Having Reasonable Expectations for Myself:

I’ll keep in mind that being perfect isn’t always necessary. I’ll get stuff done rather than obsess over getting things done perfectly.

When I get tired, I’ll rest or do something different. My level of physical energy will tell me when I’ve been doing too much. I won’t wait for an accident or illness to make me stop.

When I make a mistake, I’ll chalk it up to being human. Even if I think I’ve anticipated everything, there will be outcomes I don’t expect.

I’ll remember that everyone is responsible for their own feelings and for expressing their needs clearly. Beyond common courtesy, it isn’t up to me to guess what others want.

Communicating Clearly and Actively Seeking the Outcomes I Want:

I won’t expect people to know what I need unless I tell them. Caring about me doesn’t mean they automatically know what I’m feeling.

If people close to me upset me, I’ll use my pain to identify my underlying need. Then I’ll use clear, intimate communication to provide guidance on how they could give it to me.

When my feelings are hurt, I’ll try to understand my reaction first. Did something trigger feelings from my past, or did the person really treat me insensitively? If someone was insensitive, I’ll ask him or her to hear me out.

I’ll be thoughtful to other people, and if they aren’t thoughtful in return, I’ll ask them to be more considerate and then let it go.

I’ll ask for something as many times as it takes to get a clear answer.

When I get tired of interacting, I’ll politely speak up, asking if we can continue our contact at another time. I’ll explain kindly that I’m just out of gas at the moment.

(From Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson)

sarahseeandersen

michellekpoems

I treat myself like I would my daughter. I brush her hair, wash her laundry, tuck her in goodnight. Most importantly, I feed her. I do not punish her. I do not berate her, leave tears staining her face. I do not leave her alone. I know she deserves more. I know I deserve more.

Michelle K., I Know I Deserve More. (via internal-acceptance-movement)

sosuperawesome

Lara Paulussen on Society6

Trending Blogs

Recently Viewed Blogs

The New Discontent