I have a fantasyāno, a wish-- that someone will do silly, juvenile things with me.
Iāve never been delinquent. I do not want to rebel.
I just want to be āyoungā.
My childhood was taken away from me. Parents who separate will rely on the eldest child to parent them. The messenger who will get shot every time each message is passed from a motherās lips to a fatherās ears. Do you know how many times I have been shot before? My whole heart is full of bullet woulds that you cannot touch and see, but theyāre there, all healed up and yet, feel see-through and empty. I need mending and for some reason, you did that for me.
I didnāt want you to be reliable. I didnāt ask for someone else to make things right. You do it somehow.
But you did. And held my hand, walking together with a smile on your face. You wanted to skip and hop on the way to buying tickets, I went along with you.
When you found the booth where you can shoot these miniature toy soldiers with a fake toy gun and bullets, you said you will win a stuffed toy for me. Not even the tiny oneāthe hugest, bigger than my petite frame.
And there I knew.
I didnāt care if you won the stuffed toy or not. I cared that you wanted to win something for me. I cared that my wish is you all along. And how long Iāve waited to feel like a young person again. I thought I couldnāt feel this way.
And yet here we are. Here you are, here you are, here you are...
I have 18 more articles to write. Iām on a deadline. I listen to M83ā²s 2008 albumĀ āSaturdays = Youthā on Spotify while I write this. I took a break from writing... by writing.
I call myself aĀ āwriterā and yet, I havenāt exactly published the Great Novel By Me. I am 40 now and itās still a pipe dream. The novel is in my head with characters living rent free, having public personas and inner lives wilder than mine. Having petty fights, body-ripping romances, and traveling to places they just thought are great for backpacking during a gap year - what the hell is a gap year? Iām their landlord writing about everything but never about them. Not their melodramatic stories or heated exchanges. Not their silent monologues while on a toxic commute with sweaty and equally depressed strangers or talking to their dog, alone in an apartment with nothing but cola in the refrigerator.
Well, I HAVE stories and theyāre all filed in analog filing cabinets in my brain. I just have to get to them... after I write these articles for work first.
Funny. When I write for money, Iām quick and can tap my keyboard like an old time-y typewriter. Clacking away and hurting my already dry fingers from doing household chores and my pompholyx too. 300 words? No problem. Topics would range from the light-to-medium coverage of a BB cream, family vacation spots, a relatable celebrity tweet that makes them like one of the masses, to dating apps that I used and got bored with. Iām a mean, writing ATM if need be.
But the Great Novel By Me or even the Micro Fiction By Me donāt come out easily by any sort of tapping on the keyboard like an old time-y typewriter. I would like to believe that I am a perfectionist. Does this rambling read perfect to you? I never cared for it.
The point is: Writing is hard.Ā
And I chose to do it both professionally and personally. Did I really choose it or was I supposed to be a writer? Destiny. Iāve read a lot of books. My grades in English were high. I think I can tell a good story. Again, itās hard.Ā
I wonāt make excuses. This blog has been a home for my essays, so itās not as if I havenāt written anything that I can be proud of. Maybe Essays By Me is more my style and pace. Essays can tell a story too, right? Am I telling a story right now?
Thereās only so much hours in a day.Ā
As a human being and not a mutant superhero who can stop or add time and travel through it, I need to function within the time frame allowed. I need to nourish myself with food and drink. I need to sleep or I end up having a stroke or my heart stops. What writing can be done if youāve passed?
Know this: just because I donāt post what Iāve written, doesnāt mean Iāve not written. You may even have read my published works online without knowing it because itās my bread and butter and thatās what brings the bacon.Ā
Fellow writers know (I hope so?) that nothing intimidates us more than starting. To write the first sentence. A blank page, whether on a notebook or word document on the screen, is the bitch.Ā
I end this sharing or freewriting exercise while I listen to The Temper Trapās 2009 albumĀ āConditionsā. Yes, my playlists are more than a decade ago but as the kids say it, each song still slaps.Ā
Writing is hard. Youāve got to find a way to keep on doing it. Itās part of who I am, sometimes a part I wish I didnāt become because theĀ ārespectā I get from continuing on, whoo. And it gets better because my fallback should this writing doesnāt really pan out (at 40 LOL), is... art. Why did I have to be so darn creative I canāt stand myself haha.
At least I started and Iāve arrived to the last line of this post. The idea is to start. Just start.
Whenever I feel like I do not feel worthy to be here, I am reminded of that one time in 2014 when I crossed a highway post-haste and almost got hit by a speeding truck.Ā
Let me explain: there was no crosswalk and it was what everyone did. I am uncertain now if itās the governmentās or my fault.
I stopped, looked, and listened like every child taught how to cross anywhere. However, I overstepped and it may have been my reflex or an angel, that I turned around right at the exact moment a truck sped inches behind me!
To this day, I am grateful that either my instinct or something else saved me.
There are days, especially oh-so-long nights, that I donāt know what Iām doing. And I am old to be struggling this way.Ā
Life is hard. But then you donāt get hit by a truck and itās all worth it.
I am no expert, not even of this generation according to my year of birth. But this culture is rampant, instant, and seemingly decisive. Youāre allowed little room to no error, only to live in the black and white and uninterested in the gray.
I have been doing it all the while but call it āeditingā. I āeditā people, relationships, artists or celebrities, and even food. Wise people will tell you to sever ties with anything or anyone ātoxicā. For the social media-savvy netizen, itās simply ācancel cultureā.
Before I go ramble on about this culture, I will only write about artists and celebrities past and present, dead or alive. I have no psyche degree or philosophy on either being a ācancelerā or ācanceleeā (I made up these words for my benefit.)
What I do have is a brain that I use to think with and works in tandem with my emotions, what you call my heart. The brain and heart give me the tools to decide if I should cancel or not.
In reality, todayās world is like a walking and breathing dating app ā swipe right to like and swipe left for see you later, loser. Itās cancel culture done in seconds.Ā
But the world is more complex than that and if you do use both your brain and heart, what we call āadultā the situation, canceling would take longer and even physically hurt.
Letās define ācancel cultureā based on what have been published online, so far:
āTo me, itās ultimately an expression of agency,ā said Meredith Clark, a professor at the University of Virginiaās department of media studies. āTo a certain extent: I really do think of it like a breakup and a taking back of oneās power.ā Canceling, she said, is an act of withdrawing from someone whose expression ā whether political, artistic or otherwise ā was once welcome or at least tolerated, but no longer is.
āItās a cultural boycott,ā said Lisa Nakamura,Ā a professor at the University of Michigan who studies the intersection of digital media and race, gender and sexuality. āItās an agreement not to amplify, signal boost, give money to. People talk about the attention economy ā when you deprive someone of your attention, youāre depriving them of a livelihood.ā
(Source: āEveryone Is Canceledā by Jonah Engel Bromwich )
How to be canceled?
Just accept that at some point thatĀ you will meet someone who will dislike you.Ā You wonāt get a reason because youāre not owed one.
If you love to post on your Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, and other social media accounts with commenting not disabled, at some point a name or a bot will dislike you too. There, youāll get thousands of reasons why they do and let you know about it.
To cancel is to deny oneās credibility. To call you out for being there and being human. To expect accountability for behavior you did as a stupid youngster and learn to become as a woke adult now.
What happens if the one youāre supposed to cancel is your favorite music artist? Is an actor you have a crush on since you were a pre-teen? Or in this moment, itās your K-Pop boy idol bias?
When canceling should not be hard⦠but it is.
As a child till maybe in my early 20ās, I understood nothing about standing up for myself or speaking whatās on my mind. Though I was brought up by a single mother and taught not to take shit from anyone, when you go out of your home, the politics is different. Iām a girl. You stay a girl. You are meant to sit prettily and be nice. You want to think out loud, wait, who gave you permission?
Probably the cause to my becoming a writer. My thoughts are on paper, in a journal that only I can see and others wonāt be able to judge me for.
Then came social media platforms in my mid-20ās to present. Now you can have anything that pops in your head on full blast, posted whether as words or photographs. You can put your journal entry in its entirety, let family and strangers read it and yikes, even comment!
But we embraced it. Because to be true to yourself, you (over)share. (Iām partially guilty about this and I always apologize to those whose sunny days I cloud over.)
Our access to virtually everybodyās thoughts, ideas, and stances is easy. And yet, when we find out that our faves are problematic, to cancel is a gargantuan undertaking because itās hard.
Artists and celebrities in the public eye can be compared to demigods. With the right amount of content and superpower, we have been glamoured into believing the personas that they have created and we willingly consume. Unless you are their family,Ā worked or slept with, and was/is married to them, we are not the authority in who they really are. Reel and real lives can be similar or a total contrast of each other.
Right now, your faveās music is good⦠but he sexually abused children and women, so your faveās IRL self is bad. What do you do?
Recently, thereās a surge of accusations and revelations from victims-turned-survivors of powerful and iconic music artists in America, namely Michael Jackson and R. Kelly. I have watched both documentary film projects and discussed these with friends. I was appalled and disgusted. The courts ruled in favor of the defendants at the expense of their accusers. This does not mean theyāre innocent. In fact, there was complicity among those involved in these menās myth-making for the sake of keeping the cash cow healthy. Along the way, children, girls, women and their families had to take care of the fallout.
The grooming happened to fans too. Now fans have to decide to defend or deplore. To cancel or not to cancel? That is the question.
These allegations and court cases have been in my periphery since I was a teenager but again, I didnāt have an opinion. I accepted it as ānormalā in their industry; heck, even in all societies around the world, including ours. Thank goodness I grew up and with both my logic and emotion (remember, brain and heart), yes, I should cancel. You lose more when you share you have been sexually abused. Thatās why itās important to believe the victim, whatever background or whoever you see her/him to be. Victim blaming is as real as it gets, however crumbly the path is that lead you to become the victim. Itās never your fault but your abuser is/was a popular and beloved artist, he can never do such a thing to you⦠right?
I wonāt go into patriarchy, misogyny, toxic masculinity and the rest ā thereās a ton to unpack talking about these things, maybe another blog post. The two artists I mentioned happened to be men but cancel culture isnāt exclusive to them. āProblematicā faves can be women too (everybody, really), who are not allies of diverse communities, and addicted to words with the affix āphobeā in them. But I get whatās said here about why cancel culture exists because ājustice cultureā almost always does not:
āIt's not by happenstance that the main targets of cancel culture are men who are believed to be sexually abusive, after all. The debate over sexual abuse is really a debate over justice, and over the ways that certain kinds of crimes and transgressions aren't taken as seriously as others. If you slap a co-worker, you will likely be fired; if you grope them, it's still an open question. If you punch someone in a bar, you're probably getting arrested. If you rape them later that night, there's a decent chance you'll get away with it.
This disparity is what cancel culture is reacting to. If we can't lock you up or take away your livelihood, we can make it embarrassing -- at least in some corners of society, anyway -- to play your records or watch your movies. It's a small and largely symbolic gesture, but it feels better than nothing, and nothing is what we mostly have now. But if there was already something better than nothing ā if there were real consequences for those who commit sexual abuse ā then cancel culture wouldn't feel necessary, and likely wouldn't exist.ā
(Source: āCan we still listen to Michael Jackson? We wouldn't need "cancel culture" if we had justice cultureā by Amanda Marcotte)
As of writing, it looks like justice is slowly catching up to popular K-Pop idols such as SeungRi of BigBang and singer Jong JoonYoung. FellowĀ idols have also been implicated with their own criminal activities. (Kindly Google for allegations and updates as I will only talk about the general crimes allegedly committed and how I, a K-Ppop fan, reacts to it. Also, thereās something new everyday and I can hardly keep up.)
The infamous group chat of idols, club owners, and influential men in government is old and yet the indiscretions and criminality are new.
Because we didnāt know.Ā
Thatās why itāsĀ ānewā because they did it in private.Ā
Again, this is an entertainment industry riddled with egos and power. The āIām a celebrity and can get away with itā card was used to the maximum.Ā
Alleged spycam footage of private moments with ex and current girlfriends and sharing them among friends. Alleged making light of said activity, knowing full well the monstrosity and yet, all done in good fun without anyone in the group chat calling it out. Alleged providing of women as escorts to business investors. Itās like playing toxic masculinity bingo and you donāt ever want to win.
As someone who follows K-Pop, I was disappointed but not surprised. At the end of the day, they are human after all.Ā
My K-Pop friends and I adore our faves but we are also adults and do not buy the āpure and innocentā glazed public images they have. We know they are grown men with wants and needs. We know they can be naughty and nice. We always say that when it comes to K-Pop (and people in general), āWalang malinis! (Nobodyās that clean!)ā Weāre not perfect and have our secrets. My hope as a fan is that my fave/s are good people. They donāt have to be pure and innocent. They just have to be.
By the way, did I cancel these idols? To begin with, I didnāt subscribe so it was easy to cancel. But you have to think about their fans, those who spent time, energy, and money to love them.Ā
Now itās a test of loyalty: to your bias or your humanity. I feel bad for both the victims and fans.Ā
The idols have said they will retire from working in the entertainment industry altogether. Hopefully, while in retirement, justice has also been served.
Can you be un-canceled?
This depends. Especially if the canceled fave artist or celebrity has felt remorse or repented. To know if itās genuine, again, you discern for yourself. The litmus test for un-canceling is on you.Ā
I agree that thereās room to grow, a character development that can be authentic, and a chance to save grace. We should educate problematic faves about accountability and their responsibility in being influential public figures.
āThe main issue with call-out culture, however, is that we lose opportunities to educate, especially within activist spaces. Instead of calling out people by insulting and shaming them, we would do better to take time to explain why what they said was hurtful or problematic.ā
(Source: āThe problem with cancel cultureā by Garnett Achieng )
Cancel culture shouldnāt be about impulse only ā itās a process. Thereās a maturity to owning up to your mistakes and learning from them. If you committed a crime, do the time. Should your canceled faves return to the spotlight when theyāve been gone a while? Review the severity of why they were canceled in the first place. Just remember that before becoming a fan of anyone, you are a person first.
Love turns to hate and ultimately, indifference with cancel culture. Indifference is not caring. One of the points of being an artist or celebrity is to be relevant and part of a fan or a mere observerās life. Erasure is not an option.Ā
But if canceling your fave does not affect an iota at all to them, maybe itās time to rethink why you stanned.
Fans grow with their faves and idols. Itās the reason why nostalgia concerts happen and become successful.
If your faves and idols donāt grow up and remain the same, vile person that they were, thenĀ as a fan, youāre allowed to outgrow them. And thatās the worst cancel culture of all.
What prompted me to write this āconfessionalā of sorts was watching āBurn The Stage: The Movieā. I will do a review but before you get that, Iāll introduce myself to you:
I am a fangirl. To be exact, I am a BTS ARMY.
I am not an official fan club member. The fan club website is all in Hangul and my Korean is as basic as it gets. My proficiency amounts to the lyrics I know care of BTS songs, K-Pop in general, K-Dramas, and words I picked up ordering food in Seoul and Busan. But in all sense of the word, I am as āofficialā as can be.
Being a fangirl of BTS, now the most popular K-Pop artist in the world, is not all happiness. Thereās a hell of suffering too. (All my ladies, put ya hands up?) The amount of ecstasy equates to the agony. Iāve always described it as (in)voluntarily jumping into a deep well with Sadako keeping me company. I keep my head above water ā itās frightening but I always survive, anyway.
Why did I jump into this well? Why so into deep?
In 2015, I was dying ā physically exhausted, mentally drained, and bullied into existing. I was pushing 36 in a job that I thought would teach me a thing or two about the craft of writing.
I was wrong.
The disillusionment piled up but I had work friends who understood the plight and kept me both sane and alive. I thank them for sticking with that ugly version of me. Theyāve become life-long friends and what weāve gone through is one for the books. (Shoutout to #TeamPasmado ā you know who you are.)
Around this time, I had seen a music video on YouTube called āDopeā. It was a YouTubers React video from The Fine Brothers. They brought in a bunch of popular vloggers at the time to get a taste of 2015 K-Pop music videos.Ā
You can say that when Rap Monster (now just RM) said āIs this your first time with BTS?ā in Hangul, it DEFINITELY was mine.
This, however, wasnāt my first K-Pop rodeo.
I knew of Super Junior, BigBang, and of course, 2NE1 ā Sandara Park was in it, what Filipino didnāt know about it? Thanks to her, we have a Filipino connection to K-Pop forever. I liked the music videos and found them truly eye candy with fun choreography reminiscent of my 90ās childhood of boy and girl bands. This was around 2009, the second generation of the Hallyu Wave. But I didnāt have an opinion to share because I had no favorites, was not invested, and felt okay with it.
Still in 2015, we finally got cable and one of the channels is a Korean network, TVN. The channel would use music videos as in-between program breaks, sort of like commercials. My second music video of BTS was āRunā with the boys in their leather jackets, Doc Martens, and one guy with mint green and another with orange hair. By the end of the video, credits were displayed and beside them behind-the-scene clips. The one that made an impression on me was a blonde guy with his gummy smile sitting in a car (this would be Suga).
Later, I will find out that these were clips from the āPrologueā video/short film BTS produced to connect their āI Need Uā and āRunā music videos and comebacks. This was the start of their myth-making through an alternate universe of āHwa Yang Yeon Hwaā (HYYH) Parts 1 and 2.
By December 2015, I went to Seoul, South Korea for the second time with my family to spend Christmas and New Yearās. During wintertime, of course, there were days that you will be cooped up inside and watch TV. While channel surfing, I stumbled upon a well-produced CF (commercial film) of seven boys in a private school wearing maroon uniform jackets and black slacks. I watched it thinking it was a teaser for a K-Drama. It turned out to be an SK Telecom CF selling mobile data to students starring BTS. I havenāt connected that BTS in āDopeā and āRunā were the same guys in the SK Telecom ad. I wasnāt into K-Pop yet and truth be told, āRunā didnāt have much play in Myeongdong then. All I heard were Psyās āDaddyā and Twiceās āOoh Aahā blasting from the shops there.
A couple of months into 2016, I quit my toxic job.
Finally, I was free but something else resurfaced.
Now things will get dark from this point on and you can decide to stop reading this already TL;DR post. Should you recognize the darkness that I write here, I encourage you to seek the help of a professional. What worked on me does not necessarily mean would work on you.
I was a sad person. I believe I had been since I was a child but I sucked it up because it was necessary. My close friends know what I went through and I wonāt elaborate because though a part of me, it will not consume me anymore. I decided that. Now you have this version of me.
At 36, I had finally admitted that I was depressed. It wasnāt like an over-exaggerated tweet of āIāM DYING!ā but a full-on insomniac-yet-sleep-all-day-not-eating-healthy-not-reading-not-doing-art-withdrawn-dark-thoughts depression. I thought I was ready to end it all. Actually, I was. There were three times I was ready.
This wonāt be a post on the ways I considered to end things. Iām not writing a tutorial for you. Just know that I overcame it. If you want to be worried for me, thank you. We should all be worried for each other.Ā
So be kind to yourself and everyone. TRY. Being a dick is so easy, itās a rebellious thing to be kind. Nice is shallow ā BE KIND.
I was at home, sleeping at 4AM, waking up at 2PM, eating some, taking a bath, lying down at 3PM, and watching YouTube on my now defunct HP netbook. I had a tray that I would put that netbook on and just clicked on videos that were related to my bed of dark clouds: serial killers, parasites inside human bodies after eating a salad or drinking tap water, pimple popping, and playlists of random YouTube shenanigans. I clicked the next video with my fingers ā that was a good day. When I was embracing the dark clouds, I would get my toe to do the clicking for me. I didnāt want to get up but liked to watch YouTube videos.
I donāt remember how I got back to K-Pop.
This was 2016 and the height of EXOās popularity but I knew nothing of them. I went back to who I knew: Super Junior, Big Bang, and 2NE1. I watched their music videos, reality and variety shows ā I was entertained and found myself laughing after a while. A hearty laugh. That was weird.
Of course, when you watch on YouTube, it would recommend other videos to you. So, I clicked on them and I was learning about Girls Generation/SNSD, (f)X, SHINee, Got7, Jackson Wang and Park Chanyeol in TV show āRoommateā, and finally, EXO.
Thanks to Super Junior and EXO, I have learned to memorize names of members, however many they are (Iām looking at you NCT 2018). I was overwhelmed at first at the number of members in a K-Pop group. But these days, when I see only five members dancing and singing, I feel like the stage is empty.
Something fascinating happened.
A show called āWeekly Idolā would feature rookie idol groups, both boys and girls. EXO went on that show twice when there were still 12 of them. My ribs hurt from laughing from their stints on that show; I felt I was going to become an EXO-L, you know. āWeekly Idolā does random play dance games for their idol group guests and thereās a segment too where they get to know the members. They would ask which of the members know girl idol group point choreography ā usually, the dance that accompanies a single and makes its mark on peopleās minds. What dance do you do when you hear Psyās āGangnam Styleā? That one.
Boy idols watch a lot of girl idol music videos and perform with them on music shows and festivals, so itās not a longshot that they would remember the dances. (Now Iāve learned trainees need to learn these popular choreography as part of their training as well.) Ā Related videos to āWeekly Idolā include compilations of boy idols dancing to girl idol choreography.
There was one about Jungkook of BTS.
Later, I would find out this was their 2013 appearance on the variety show, months later after their June debut. Jungkook danced impeccably to Girlās Dayās āSomethingā and was then joined by Jimin and J-Hope for AOAās āMini Skirtā, SNSDās āMister Misterā, and 4Minuteās āWhatcha Doinā Today?ā They killed that set.
Jungkook was so cute and I searched for more videos of this guy and his group, Bangtanseonyeondan or BTS for short.
(By the way, most of the ARMYs Iāve spoken to got into BTS because of Jungkook. Him being at the center and getting a lot of singing parts, the āGolden Maknaeā was the lure to this Pokemon āI choose youā K-Pop fangirling. Some will stay with Jungkook as their bias. But mostly, like me, I found out he was a minor at that time and went to the hyung line instead. I have scruples.)
And I got bombed.
Bangtan Bomb that is.
The videos went all the way back to 2012, āpre-debutā covers of hip-hop tracks with Hangul and English lyrics and studio logs because they literally made videos inside a music studio. Ā Who were these kids? Why were they so entertaining and endearing? Small eyes like me with mops for hair. Except Rap Monster, he had flattop, damaged black hair. There was a skinny boy with big ears. They wore over-sized shirts, basketball shorts with baseball knee-high socks. It wasnāt my style but they were so funny.
It was the 2014 Bangtan Bombs, during their promos for their first full-length album, āDark & Wildā, that made me pay attention more. The styling during this era was still on a rookie groupās budget: for their āblackā promos, they all wore leather pants and Versace shirts with the Medusa logo on it, while āwhiteā promos meant still leather pants and Donna Karan shirts.
Their crackhead antics during the āDangerā promotions are my favorite; in fact, the best Bangtan Bomb for me is titled āItās Tricky!ā where the boys are in their white Donna Karan shirts and practicing for a year-end music show special. To this day, I will not tire re-watching it and all they do there is practice their choreography during their āRed Bullet Tourā concert break.
As of this writing, there are close to 500 Bangtan Bombs on their BangtanTV YouTube channel. Have I watched everything? You bet. Did I watch them without English subtitles? Iām a fangirl, itās a given.
Side note: A fangirl watches a Korean MV (music video) or video in its entirety without English subtitles first and THEN re-watch with it when itās up.
Save me.
May 15, 2016. I was on YouTube around 11PM, PST. I saw a thumb with Jimin with his black hair on a blue background. I clicked and found my favorite BTS song at the time. (There are so many good songs and MVs since then, but āSave Meā is my First Love.)
I watched the comeback VLive ā the first official comeback that I experienced. This was my introduction to the 12AM KST drops that Big Hit and BTS would do. āYoung Foreverā, the repackaged album of āHwa Yang Yeon Hwaā (HYYH) Parts 1 and 2 -mini albums released in 2015- is the first album that cemented my ārelationshipā with a K-Pop boy group.
To this day, the poster of the ānightā version of the album hangs on my bedroom wall. āFireā also comes from this album, a banger of a track that I have a love-hate relationship with because I love the choreography but am not in love with the song. Every fangirl who stans a group has songs that we get tired listening to. But I sure as hell will sing along to it after Suga says, āBULTRAEONE!ā Me: FIIIIIIIIRRREEEE!
I had no other ARMYs to ease me into BTS fangirling. Had I did I would have been guided that since āNo More Dreamā in 2013, there will be individual teasers of each member, the group, and previews of the album tracks unleashed on their social media at midnight, South Korea time. The Philippines is an hour ahead so for me, itāll always be 11PM.
Whatās good to know is I sleep late because my mind is alert from 10PM to 3AM. This 12AM KST drop tradition works for me. Whatās not cool is that I have adrenaline I need to drain out of my system until 5AM. Thanks, Big Hit and BTS.
You take the pleasure with the pain.
Again, I had no known ARMYs in my midst. May 2016 was only two months away to āEpilogue: Manilaā, the July concert of BTS. I was depressed, unemployed, and planned to watch a concert of a group I frenetically fell in love with for close to six months only. This was insane. Why would I spend money over a boy group at 37? Iām an adult!
I was not an adult, after all.
I had savings but I didnāt save that for a K-Pop concert. My money was to be used for when maybe I should get hospitalized or food, not for seven Korean guys that I was still getting to know. I lined up thinking this was going to be just a standard ticket buy over the counter at a cinema. WRONG.
The line was long, the seat I wanted disappeared in seconds. I wanted to buy just upper box seats but they were the first ones gone. The Php13,000 worth tickets remaining were the standing VIP areas and I wasnāt about to shell out cash for that.
But I met Filipino ARMYs, finally. A college student told me about the concert promoter who would most likely announce available tickets in the next few weeks. How the concert was expensive because two years before in āRed Bulletā, their standing VIP was only Php10,000. It was the first time that I realized that BTS was growing into this super popular group.
I didnāt get to watch āEpilogueā and cried inside. After this, I told myself it was a phase and would forget about BTS, anyway. When BTS returned months later in September for āMBC Show Championā, I skipped it since they would only perform a maximum of four songs and Iād pay for the same amount of tickets in āEpilogueā. That was a bittersweet day since V/Taehyungās grandmother passed away while he performed on that day here in Manila.
(During this time, I believe I had already gotten my last paycheck from my old job. A friend who still worked there happened to be getting into BTS and Got7 too. Her computer had BTSā āNo More Dreamā MV on (yes, at work LOL) and I showed her my wallpaper was V. A fellow ARMY in the making. We werenāt so deep into the well with Sadako yet but getting there.)
A few days later after BTS performed in September, I was hired for a job.
I went from publishing to shipping. I was afraid that I wouldnāt do a good job as a copywriter for a shipping company. What do I know about shipping containers, transshipment, and supply chain? Through proper training and immersion, I got into the groove of it. I also met new work friends who were easygoing and fun yet serious with their tasks. I could listen to my iPod player again, now filled with old and new BTS songs. I was fangirling by myself but had gotten back to my old self: focused, stressed during commutes, tired, and thus, slept before 11PM.
I was awake for āBlood, Sweat & Tearsā though.
Since I have now become an official ARMY (unofficial and fake, really, because I didnāt join the fan club) I now knew how to check updates about BTS on Twitter. Big Hit, fan sites, and other ARMYs got me up to speed as well. September 2016 was also the month when all the āWINGSā trailers were released. This meant I was tired from work but couldnāt fall asleep on certain nights for the 12AM KST drops. The comeback was in October and all these trailers were connected to their comeback track and MV. And there were seven trailers for each member! And a comeback teaser for the MV!
Iāve known BTS a while; seen their concepts since 2013 through my backtracking (again, I stanned them around 2015 and fell hard in 2016). āWINGSā was the most adult and sultry yet. Flamboyant and opulent. Goth too. It was a departure from their āhip-hopā origins.
Well, Iāve always said that BTS is an āemoā boy group. The cold guy with the vulnerable beating heart types pretending to be toughies but truly softies. The āHYYHā series proved to be the start of putting their hearts on their sleeves. āWINGSā was an experiment, a challenge to the expectation of what a K-Pop idol group can do. Over-the-top concepts are not alien to K-Pop but intellectual and literary were. This album was BTSā angsty Young Adult novel set in a haunted castle.
When the āBlood, Sweat & Tearsā MV dropped, I was awake, all right. The MV is six minutes long with a dramatic and indulgent break in between. When Jin kisses that huge statue with wings and Taehyung reveals his back with scars that seemed like from clipped wings, I screamed the most number and loudest āPut*ng In*ā in my entire life! What the hell did I just watch? Not only was the song this Caribbean-inspired, sexy bop, I also had to watch that idol fan service well made in an MV! How dare they?
I donāt know what gave me away but I was known.
A former work friend somehow got a whiff of my love for BTS. When I look back at it now, I donāt necessarily think this āfriendshipā was genuine. But people interested in what I like, yay. Someone I can talk to about BTS, yay. It was a good arrangement.
I did introduce Jungkook from āSpring Dayā to a work friend who will become a good friend ā she is legit an authentic, kind person who like me, can also cut a bitch when necessary. She found Jungkook cute. But of course! Her K-Pop cred was watching a full series āProduce 101ā Season 1 with the I.O.I. girls. Afterwards, I was influenced to watch āProduce 101ā Season 2 with the Wanna One boys. From that point on, my friend went from Jungkook ā> Kang Daniel ā> JB of Got7. She is now a Got7 fangirl. A true Ahgase with a light stick and a concert abroad under her name. This friend I can talk to about fangirling in the same exact wavelength. We may stan different boy groups but our fangirling is universal.
I would like to thank my best friend since I was 14 years old as well, who indulged in my stories of my favorites even when I could be HIGH PITCH sharing it through our chats. She was with me since Day 1 of my BTS fangirling, when no one knew them but our fandom. She even named her pet cat babies on BTS: Yoongi (Suga), ChimChim (Jimin) and TaeTae (V). I maybe ARMY but donāt have cats LOL. See, you can be a non-K-Pop fan and be a decent human being both at the same time.
I thrived and lived. Thank you.
Months into my new job, I found my footing in what I did, met new friends, was laughing again, and got great news. 2017 would be the most eventful year for me, career- and fangirl-wise. I was going to be sent to training in Copenhagen, Denmark and could have a day off in Paris, France. I could meet my cousin living in Basel, Switzerland for day while we went around Montmartre to trace the sites in the French film, āAmelieā.
In February 2017, BTS made a comeback with āSpring Dayā and āNot Todayā, the former being a ballad, the most emo BTS song you could ever hear at the time. (I always say āat the timeā because BTS does not stop releasing music thatās more emo than the next. Itās hard to pick a favorite song for an emo like me.) Around this time, the concert tour dates for āWINGSā were announced and Manila had two dates in May. I was going to South Korea during spring and wanted to stay for 15 days. I cut it short because of the May 7th Day 2 concert.
Getting tickets to the āWINGSā concert was another PTSD moment with long lines, seats disappearing every second, and hopes almost draining. A friend of my ARMY friend was able to buy the standing VIP tickets for I and two other friends, fortunately, online⦠after five hours of waiting to even be given the opportunity to choose seats. All I had to do was return a day before the concert to Manila from Seoul.
And āWINGSā happened. Concert Day 2 was chaotic from lining up, getting into our designated areas, and being literally thirsty the entire two-and-a-half hours of stage performances. My bladder is the size of a peanut and drinking water would make me miss parts of the concert. I wore my favorite stacked heel boots for my 5-foot-3-and-a-half-inches self, so I could at least see above other taller ARMYs and their raised smartphones.
I was sweaty, hungry, parched, wet, and happy.
I didnāt have an ARMY Bomb light stick yet but I was a fan, okay. BTS were in front of me. I saw them up close. Theyāre real. They were professional, on time, tanned (because they just filmed āSummer Package: Palawanā a few days before the concerts), and V/Taehyung splashed us the water he drank from his water bottle! He just āmarriedā us to him WTF.
What mattered was I got my wish: to watch a BTS concert. I missed āEpilogueā in 2016 and actually paid more than what I expected. It was all worth it though. I was judged accordingly for spending that much from friends but my mom didnāt, so I was good.
BTS helped me from getting out of MY quicksand. Do you remember in the movie āThe Princess Brideā when Buttercup was sucked into a quicksand in the Fire Swamp and Westley had calmly gotten a branch, dove into the quicksand, and miraculously rescued Buttercup? THAT is what BTS did to me. Theyāre part of the rescue, although there were other rescuers on the scene, and I also rescued myself.
For someone who is prone to depression like me, since Iāve experienced it, artists such as BTS linked to music and film assist a great deal in taking you out of your nasty funk. Depression cannot be cured by one thing. There are steps to take, choices to be made, and people to help. My way may not have been medical but I got what worked for me.
Here I am, consumed.
I have been a BTS consumer since. Letās just say that Iāve been a big contributor to South Koreaās GDP, thanks to the merch related to BTS Iāve bought and paid for. I was able to get a hold of the holy grail though: an ARMY Bomb light stick version 3 which I lit up last New Yearās to celebrate 2019.
I have watched BTS in concert once and will do it again when given the chance. I havenāt made the āpilgrimageā to the Big Hit Entertainment office building yet (they just moved) and maybe wonāt ever do it because I stan BTS, not the company. I would love to take a photo on the āYou Never Walk Aloneā bus stop in Jumunjin Beach next time. In K-Pop, you plan your life around your bias groupās activities at times. For someone like me who lives a day at a time, this is a stretch. Itās good to be out of your comfort zone but it entails work and choice.
This is āloveā.
Or an approximation of it. Unrequited at best. A symbiotic relationship moving in an eco-system where you revolve around your idols and they act they do the same for you. I am an āadultā fan. I donāt believe everything BTS says when they go on camera or social media that they āloveā me. I believe when they say āthank youā and are āgratefulā. V invented āI purple youā as code for both and Iād rather they keep saying that because itās open to a variety of interpretations. For me, itās wholesome and kind of BTS. (How other ARMYs think and feel about this, I cannot speak for them.)
āI purple youā sets boundaries between idols and fans. K-Pop idols can be divisive when it comes to āwooingā their fan base, a way to ensure loyalty is in place. I was BORN loyal, BTS doesnāt have to worry about me. I love them but my world doesnāt revolve around them. I have my own life to live too.
Now theyāre almost six years as an idol group.
In K-Pop, five years is already OLD. BTS members are older too, now all in their 20ās. Jin is 29 Korean age (27 international age; I still donāt understand their aging system but their society seems to be obsessed with age and numbers) and is mandated by law to enlist in the military soon. My gut feel tells me 2019 until Q3 of 2020 would be the remaining time we can see BTS as OT7.
As I type this, Big Hit has been introducing their new idol group called TXT, boys born 1999 and under. TXT will help in keeping the agency a viable business, especially since BTS will soon have to do a hiatus. And itās VERY soon.
My ARMY heart feels the inevitability of military enlistment. This relationship with a K-Pop boy group will always have its gap years. Any fangirl will tell you this is true. By the time we get OT7, BTS will be well into their late 20ās or 30ās. When they get old, I will too.
Will I forget?
Iām naturally good at remembering things, especially āimportantā moments and persons in my life. If BTS reunites for a concert as OT7 a la Backstreet Boys (which I watched at SM MOA years back too, by the way) in my 50ās, you bet this Tita is there, waving my ARMY Bomb light stick, singing along to their songs. Like Iāve said, attending their concerts is my thank you. These guys donāt know me and I support them because they affected me in a positive way. I wonāt be so dramatic at how. They just did.
But they look āgayā.
If you do not know K-Pop, are not educated in its artists and their music, are ignorant PERIOD, you can say your opinion but KEEP IT TO YOURSELF.
I agree K-Pop boys are not even āgroomedā but āpretty-fiedā mostly, have layers of BB cream on their already smooth faces, swipe eyeshadow and tinted lip balms, and wear Tita-approved Gucci on and off stage. I like my boys who look and smell good, and maybe can advise me on the right moisturizer for my sensitive skin. Is that āgayā to you?Ā
I have a diverse line of male types and my friends can attest to that. Diego Luna is that True Love and heās exactly my age. Keanu Reeves, Takeshi Kaneshiro, Jason Momoa ā you want mustache, beard, muscles ā the poster children for MEN or MANLY, I equally love them too. I donāt get that gay ātoneā we receive from a K-Pop ignoramus when they find out about this. Mel loves MANLY MEN, sheās normal, yay.
Every time you say to a K-Pop boy group fan, āBut they look gay!ā (I wonāt even Tagalize this because itās unacceptable), you also throw shade at the fanās choice. You mock them for wanting to support a boy group that doesnāt fit your ideal of whatās āmasculineā or āmaleā to you. Itās more a revelation of who YOU are, not us. We understand fully what we got into. I only realize things about you⦠and theyāre not good.
K-Pop boy groups have fans of all shapes, sizes, and ages.
If you are within my age range, not close with me, and a fake, plastic āfriendā, then you tell me Iām too OLD to stan a boy group ā GO AWAY.
Iāve been bullied about my age while single with people caring more about my eggs leaving my system, because Iām too old to be picky with people I should date and just nail whoever, and Iāll grow much older unmarried and a spinster.
Iāve heard it all. Come at me.
There is no age limit to liking things (within the law, of course.) Thatās like putting a cap on not liking bands with deceased members or have disbanded decades before you were born. Who says older people canāt appreciate younger artists? That we can only treat them as our own children (well, I consider Jungkook as my kid if I got knocked up at 18.) That itās ācreepyā to stan a K-Pop idol group because theyāre teenagers. (I got into BTS in 2015; everyone was in their 20ās except Jungkook at 18 international age. I donāt do jailbait.)
What I do with my fangirling with BTS is MY business. Do I hurt you for doing so?
For judging me as a BTS fan, WHO HURT YOU?
The point is: Love yourself.
I learned self-care before I even knew of BTS. When the group released three albums and went as far as becoming Unicef ambassadors to give a speech at the United Nations, they grew up before my eyes. The K-Pop boy group who had been an underdog all the time I stanned them are now on top of the world. Their music tells young kids to love themselves since itās the most precarious time and whatever happens to you while youāre young, will set you for life.
Now everyone knows BTS ā YOU know them. I can afford to write this āwhite paperā without having to further explain who BTS or Bangtansonyeondan is. Youāve heard their songs and watched their music videos. You saw them on the cover of āTimeā magazine. You now have opinions -however unsolicited- about them.
But you donāt KNOW them like we fangirls do.Ā
Or fanboys. Yes, they have fanboys. Boys liking them are the same who lauded āDriveā starring Ryan Gosling when it was clearly filmed with a female gaze.
And thatās what matters: you love what you love. Sometimes itās a choice, sometimes you didnāt volunteer as tribute but ended up into it, anyway.
Itās hard enough as it is to live in this world. We all didnāt want to be here ā our parents decided that. I love BTS, a K-Pop boy group. You love basketball, math, video games, cars, working out, food, toys ā itās the same. The difference is whatever feelings I have about what you love, I keep it because what you love, itās YOURS. No one love is better than the rest.
Itās Love when you love it/him/her/them ā thatās it.
-o0o-
In the future I plan to write more about BTS and the groupās effects on music, content strategy, capitalism, progressive acts or the lack thereof, and more. I consider myself a āone-domā because I am not a multi-tasker and as is, there are seven members. Have you watched a boy group in concert? You need so many pairs of eyes to keep up.
(Note: I had wanted to write and post this a few days after the con but I had my oral surgery and was in no state to be writing about it. This needed a TL;DR post because itās a subject matter that cannot be dealt with lightly.)
On February 10th, I and a friend went to BLushcon 2018. Itās the third time for her, a first for me. My friend, Danice, convinced me to go because our interest was piqued by this talk, āProstituting Jimin: On the ethics of shipping real-life K-pop idolsā.Ā
Context: I am an Army, meaning I am a fan of the K-pop artist, BTS. I have been since late 2015. My love for them stems from a very deep place which I havenāt had the courage to discuss in writing. Letās just say that thereās a reason why their song āSave Meā is my ultimate favorite. I will share in another post how, when, whoās my bias and bias wrecker, and other things K-pop that I feel I am invested in. For now, know that it has made a huge difference in the way I see myself, my life, and the people around me. I have become a better version of myself.Ā
With that out of the way, the āJiminā in the title of the talk is a member of BTS: a lithe, lead dancer and vocalist with a penchant for flirting on stage with other members or viewers, and at opportune times, would flash his abs. Park Jimin debuted with BTS at 17 years old in 2013. Today he is 22 years old (24 Korean age) and is popular in his country of South Korea, the world, and the fan fiction universe. Note that in K-pop, hair colors change, not even every year but perĀ āeraā - the concept of a music video or album. Jimin currently is blonde and he is successful as blonde. Among all the hair colors, blonde is what gives him that edge somehow.
āProstituting Jiminā is a provocative title, indeed. How did our speaker, Thomas Bidaunette, came about this provocation? If it was to entice an Army like me, consider it done because I was at the BLushcon event. And Iāll tell you my experience.
BLushcon is not free. The BL in the event is short for āBoysā Loveā, and as it suggests, it is about love between boys. Yes, it is gay and how did a straight girl get into this? Curiosity. My friend and I paid for the premium ticket wherein you can get into the event, get a swag bag at registration, experience the games booth, and attend the talks. The venue was a good enough space for attendees, my estimate with the booth sellers and event attendees, there may be around 250 people who were there. A stage was set up with the organizer announcing speakers, inviting attendees to buy merch from the sellers, and telling everyone to enjoy themselves. As I waited for my friend at the registration area, this was the scene:
To see young people carry an LGBT flag is quite impressive. When I was younger this cannot be. At least kids these days celebrate it; in fact I was so surprised that young people were at the event at all, most of which are young women in their college years or early twenties yuppies.
Once inside, you can see kids cosplaying characters from anime, Haikyu!! Other young men were also there, roaming around together at the booth sellersā wares from stickers, impressive prints, pins, toys, accessories, shirts, zines, and more. I wish I knew most of the anime or ships being rendered through fanart and merch but what I saw, Yuri On Ice was still a hit. Every seller had YOI selling on the tables and based on the variety I saw, theyāre alreadyĀ āmildā than most. Remember, we are in the Philippines and this con is only on its third year, so though BL is spoken or written about, any depiction of it in an overt way is still a shock for most. You can say that BL here is a bit discreet or even taboo, considering that we have celebrities and an openly transgender woman in congress right now. Compared to other Southeast Asian neighbors, weāre good in terms of tolerance. Acceptance is another thing since we are inherently Catholic in how we set ourĀ āvalues.ā
We checked each table and admired the talent in the events place. I had expected a different room for the talks but apparently, the stage was it and you had the option to either sit or stand as the speakers go in front. We paid extra thinking this will be separate from the booth/event floor but it didnāt matter. We paid for the swag which had a couple of stickers and a patch, not the privilege of sitting comfortably on plastic chairs. Tough.
Letās begin
For the talk proper, I was surprised to see our speaker, Thomas Bidaunetteās face on the projector screen - via Skype. I thought he was going to appear in the flesh on stage. I forgot that Thomas Bidaunette is an actual Lecturer in Japanese Studies in the Department of International Studies at Macquarie University in Sydney, Australia. We have technology in place for him not to fly to Manila for that. You may find his profile and papers here.
Mr. Bidaunette declared himself an Army first - heās of my fandom, so he loves BTS too. I can imagine with his degree and line of work that he can be interested in shipping and K-pop idols, thatās why he ended up being our resource person for this particular talk. He started by explaining the rise of Korean Wave or Hallyu around the world and used BTS and EXO as the photos, so my friend and I were pleased. Danice is an EXO-L and multi-fandom while I dubbed myself a āone-domā because I am not a multi-tasker and only fangirls will understand how much work already goes into one bias group. This doesnāt mean I am unaware of other groups; only my energy is focused on just one.Ā
Korean Wave or Hallyu is the ubiquity of Korean entertainment, whether itās a popular drama, movie or K-pop. In the West, they think it began with PSYāsĀ āGangnam Styleā in 2012. For us who have experienced this firsthand, itās way earlier than that. I cannot pinpoint the exact artist or music video that sparked the introduction of K-pop, I am no expert. I am an amateur fangirl compared to those who know First Generation K-pop artists. But with the clout K-pop artists have over fans across cultures, K-pop is a genre of music representing Asia right now. It breaks boundaries, stereotypes, and gender norms in how Asians do music and entertainment. (I will write something about my affinity for K-pop in another post.)
Beautiful boys in love
And now on to what Boysā Love or boizu rabu means: a genre of Japanese pop culture between love of beautiful boys; also known asĀ āyaoiā and in the West,Ā āslashā. Japanese girls brought forth BL through shojo mangas which were mostly authored by women with women fans. Though BL would have wild subject matters, it follows tropes that are expected by fans.
At one point, BL from Japan came to South Korea. If in shojo manga, original fictional characters are shipped together, in Korea real-life K-pop idols are more popular. Mr. Bidaunette added that there is now what he callsĀ āKorpaneseā pop culture where K-pop fans use Japanese terms such asĀ āsenpaiā for their K-pop idols. A standard line in manga and anime isĀ āNotice me, senpai!ā You say that when you have a huge crush on an older, beautiful flower boy, whether out loud or in your head. Mr. Bidaunette then played a YouTube fan-made video of Jimin of BTS with the text senpai on it.Ā
An intro to BTS or in Hangul, Bangtan Sonyeondan, was given. Mr. Bidaunette asked permission from fan artists to use their art and comics for his Powerpoint presentation. One of these was a fanās comic on his/her narrative on becoming an Army. I know this story too well and the basic gist is: you saw a music video, liked it, watched all their music videos and listened to their albums, saw other content, followed them on social media, a bias chose you, the other members bias-wreck you, bought their merch, went to concerts, rinse, repeat for years. I can tell who fell down the rabbit hole sincerely and those who bandwagon, though.Ā
Shipping without sails
Mr. Bidaunette proceded to explain what Real Person Slash (Coupling) is. Basically, you do this byĀ āshippingā, a practice of pairing real people together in homoerotic situations. I am not new to shipping. In the 90ā²s Iāve read fan fiction on my favorite TV shows: Mulder and Scully inĀ āThe X-Files,ā Buffy and Angel or Buffy and Spike fromĀ āBuffy: The Vampire Slayer,ā Max and Liz fromĀ āRoswellā - the difference now is I understand shipping same-sex. I grew up in a very conservative, Catholic time. I was taught that only a man and a woman can be together or fall in love with each other. You go beyond that, itās a scandal, an immoral thing. Of course, as I grew older I had to unlearn this shortsightedness and donāt believe in this anymore. Love is love, your choice is not other peopleās business, and equality for all. I educated myself by being with friends with an open mind, reading about it, and empathy. Now shipping to me is not a matter of genders - itās the characters or people whom you prefer that do.
Additionally, shipping is considered anĀ āaffective fan behavior that allows for play with the celebrity, provides space to explore sexuality and pleasure safely, and an expression of fannish supportā, said Mr. Bidaunette. Though there is shipping in K-pop fandom, real person slash is still considered not as mainstream. To compare, he showed a fan magazine from Japan featuring BTS that specifically focused on theirĀ āshipsā or couplings within the seven members. That blatant. In Japan, itās no big deal; in fact, celebrated and out in the open. BTS and its management know this well. The amount of fan service they do in their fan meets and concerts in Japan show that they are aware of this effective measure to keep fans enticed and interested.Ā
But then came the debates that real person slash is notĀ āinnocentā orĀ āgentleā. Mr. Bidaunette further explained that there is a tendency for it to be highly sexualized and explicit that it borders into erotica or porn. And that in most of the fan fics that would use Jimin as a character, there is a ācanonā in place and he usually is presented as aĀ āsubmissive bottomā. This brought us toĀ āProstituting Jiminā, the title of his talk.
Mr. Bidaunette is Australian, so he gave his insights on his countryās shipping culture first, and then Japan and the Philippines next. In Australia, shipping is common among young women as well but he said there is a sub-culture among white, gay men who sexualize Korean boy groups. This would lead to problematic practices such asĀ āraceplayā orĀ āorientalismā. My take on this is being Korean becomes a fetish, anĀ āexoticā choice because of its other-ness.
The laws in Australia are strict, similar to Scandinavian countries with strong penalties for child pornography. Mr. Bidaunette read the most extreme fanfic on Jimin while in Manila because he couldnāt read it in his home country. The fanfic was extremely graphic - it actually had rape and other obscene things. Most fanfics are tagged, so youād know what youāre getting into when you read them. He added that just because you read these types of fanfics, does not necessarily mean you will act the same. True, because Iāve read and watched content about serial killers but I have no intention to do the same -- I actually would like to do the opposite. For anyone to write graphic, highly sexualized and violent things in a fic but with real persons as main characters, you do have to think long and hard about ethics of it all.
In Japan, Mr. Bidaunette called shipping culture as āvibrantā and would cover broader BL fandoms and practices. To say that shipping culture here, BL or not, is thriving? An understatement.
For us here in the Philippines, shipping exists in social media and we are more invested in whatās canon. Mr. Bidaunette brought up the phenomena that was AlDub a few years back, a classic ālove teamā of a girl and a boy who fall in love as characters on TV but are shipped as real-life lovers off camera. I agree. We are a fatalistic kind of people. Weāre all about The One and soulmates. That we will find this person āin Godās time.ā
So, what happens now?
For me, Mr. Bidaunette didnāt pin down if shipping K-pop idols is either right or wrong, ethically. He brought up points and made you think your own conclusions instead. The way I see it: shipping is what we can control; itās what makes us get through the day. Itās a complicated thing because real people are at the heart of it but as long as you donāt force it on others or you declare it asĀ ātruthā as if you know the K-pop idols well, youāre fine. And letās face it, K-pop idols are hyper aware of fanfics and shipping. They have read or monitored activities related to shipping. The amount of fan service from skinship to flirting on stage are not accidents. Thatās another day on the job.
Our speaker also didnāt break down or offer a theory on why Jimin is the most popular K-pop idol shipped with other BTS members. I had expected a slide on this but it never appeared. In my opinion, Jimin has that fluidity in terms of features, heās the smallest in height, the lightest in weight whom everyone can carry and give piggy back rides to, and is naturally cute. Aside from this, Jimin is a full-on flirt demon and he does this not just to his fellow members, but with fans and other celebs whom he interacts with. Jimin is the most popular Bangtan in Korea because he works everyone up. To have that effect and power? I need to attend that master class.
Whoās your bias?
Because Mr. Bidaunette said he was an Army, during the ask him questions portion, I had to know and took the mic:Ā āYou said you are an Army. What triggered you to become an Army?ā
I got him to laugh and all flustered at the question. He answered that his first mv was BTSāĀ āWe Are Bullteproof Pt.2ā³ and from there, he searched for other videos and learned more about them.
Of course my follow-up question wasĀ āWhoās your bias?ā
He answered,Ā āMin Yoongiā. Aka Suga.
He asked me whom I shipped, so I said JiKook (Jimin and Jungkook). That was the first time I said that out loud too. The mic was then passed onto others and we got VKook (V and Jungkook) and NamJin (Namjoon/RM and Jin). So in Manila, these three are canon, if you will.
After the talk, I and Danice did some games at what they called anĀ āExperience Boothā and joined forces with three other people in a darkened room to search for five items on the list with little torches. We completed the scavenger hunt and got stickers out of it. There was three hours left of the event but because there were no chairs and we stood up the entire talk, we were beat and called it a day. My first BLushcon was interesting and though Iām new to anything BL, Iām glad it is making its presence felt in the Philippines. Right now it seems niche and for young people who study in expensive universities because they can afford really pricey merch and cosplay outfits. But itās a start.
I Went to Cape Town, South Africa ā It Was Beautiful
Last June, we were told I and a teammate will be sent for training in Cape Town, South Africa. It was surreal. There were two other tentative places abroad but it ended up with this destination. There was a moment that I couldnāt enjoy the good news because of some innocent enough jests from friends that maybe I shouldnāt go and let others take my place since I already went for a training in Copenhagen, Denmark in February. I didnāt know how to process that but I called it out and it stopped.
South Africa seemed far-off to me. I talk of wanting to travel the world but the reality is, Iām Filipino and my passport isnāt exactly powerful enough to command backpacking trips to any country of my choosing. In addition, Iāve only recently had a job that could at least sustain a seemingly okay adult single life with a few hobbies, including travel. My happy place has been Seoul, South Korea in recent years (Iāll write another blog entry why this is sometime). If I could return to it as often as I could, I would. Any continent beyond Asia would be a stretch.
When this good fortune was chanced upon me, I immediately told my best friend. I told her the other tentative destinations ā Miami, USA and Genoa, Italy ā had been scrapped and I will be sent to Cape Town, South Africa instead. The moment she said āDonāt you like that ā you have gone to three continents already,ā I started to feel happy about my situation. She put it in perspective and it was the best one yet. After that, I was set to make this experience count.
But first, the stress
Only until the first week of August were I and my teammate able to work on our travel documents. For two months our company had its network systems down and we couldnāt use our computers. The travel agent that we tapped to assist us just added to the stress, asking for extra documents that we need to take hours off from work to do or not being prompt with our requests. Up until 31st of August, my teammate was uncertain of his South African visa and both our flights for a scheduled September 2nd trip were not booked yet. By end of work day, everything was settled. To say that my heart was in my esophagus the entire time would be an understatement.
Because of our busyness to get our travel documents ready, I and my teammate werenāt able to research much on what we were supposed to do when we got to Cape Town. Of course our colleagues, family and friends asked that we shouldnāt forget seeing Simba and the zebras, typical country branding when you hear āAfricaā. We were going to Cape Town though, one of the most cosmopolitan cities in that continent. Even the most controversial because of its history of apartheid. If anything, this and Nelson Mandela were the ārealā country branding for South Africa.
There is no direct flight from Manila to Cape Town. Originally our travel agent gave us a flight option of Manila ā Hong Kong ā Johannesburg ā Cape Town and I and my teammate said WTF. Travel is tedious and it will take more than 24 hours for us to get there already, we might as well get a flight with one connection. We opted for Manila ā Doha ā Cape Town instead.
Before we could board our flight to Doha, we lined up for an hour at our own immigration. I know, right, but this isnāt new to us. To be fair, our Terminal 1 airport had made improvements. The last time I rode a plane there was when I was 3 years old and though small, at least itās well-lit and there are clean tissue rolls in the bathrooms.
I look Korean, omo
I havenāt written about my trips to Copenhagen and Paris but there was one thing that was constant ā I was spot checked in every airport in Paris (my contacts solution) and Copenhagen (long coat). At a layover in Dubai, a ground crew asked me questions on why I was going to Copenhagen before I could board. I was the only one in Copenhagen, among my other Filipino teammates, who took a longer time going through immigration. My passport was checked and I was asked a couple more questions than them. The first two small-eyed foreigners in front of my line, Taiwanese, took a while too.
While we waited to board our connection for Cape Town in Doha, a blonde European woman gave me and my teammate a bottle of Coke each. It was so random and nice we just said our thank you. Once our flight number was called, we went in line and had our passports and boarding passes checked by ground crew. Again, my passport pages were skimmed through, making sure my South African visa stated what I just said that Iām going there for a business meeting.
And I know why these happened. Both in February and first week of September, North Korea tested missiles. Being that I look like a Korean, I got racially profiled. I donāt get mistaken as Filipino in my own country, so this doesnāt surprise me. Iām quite disoriented when it happened to me abroad because it actually exists. I would like to travel even more but it can get disheartening when this singling out happens. I know airport employees are doing their jobs and yet, profiling is a nasty feeling you would think you did something wrong.
Welcome to Cape Town
āBeautifulā ā thatās all I ever said in Cape Town.
We took an Uber from the airport to get us to our hotel and driving the 20 minutes we had Table Mountain in view. A few kilometers from the airport were ātownshipsā, these were the shanties or informal settlements as well. Manila is congested with our own shanties, so seeing iron sheets for roofing and wood scraps for walls are normal sights for me.
Our hotel was at the swanky waterfront area. We were always surrounded with seagulls, their sound and shit. The sound of seagulls for the seven days I was there was all I heard, more than crickets at night. Yes, even at night they made sounds. The crashing waves I missed hearing because I havenāt been to the beach since last year and Iām in the Philippines, thatās what weāre famous for. Although I bleed city girl, Iām from the tropics and we were raised to love our beaches and the sounds of crashing waves. The moment we checked into our hotel rooms, we bathed and slept. I had planned to watch the sunset but I had to be woken up by a phone call for dinner by my teammate. If I didnāt receive that call, I would have slept till the next day.
We had two free days, one before our three-day training and one right after. For Day 1, our itinerary was riding the cableway to the top of nearby Table Mountain, called the āgemā of Cape Town. In South Africa though, they are very particular about weather conditions. Any forecast of strong winds will already close down attractions and cancel tours. On our Table Mountain sojourn, the cableway was closed because of the bleak weather forecast. We had no other plans that day but luckily my teammate thought fast, āLetās do the Peninsula tour.ā
The hotel concierge said they will find us a driver/guide and told us to wait for a couple of hours because we tried to book one on short notice. We took the hotel shuttle first to V&A Waterfront where the mall, restaurants, and other attractions were. If you wanted to take a ferry to Robben Island, the prison Nelson Mandela and other political prisoners were sent to, this was the first stop. We went into the Maritime Centre for the time being.
Back in the hotel we found our driver/guide in a suit. Apparently, the tour needed a BMW. It was our first time to ride in one.
The half-day road trip
Our driver/guide Aqeeva was an experienced pro. By the moment we hopped into the car, he started telling us about Campās Bay (Little Miami of Cape Town) where all the one percent lived, the privileged and richest of South Africa. He pointed a sculpture of glasses at a park that when you looked through it, youāll see Robben Island. āSee through the eyes of Nelson Mandela,ā he said. Because Mandela had to be imprisoned for so long fighting to abolish apartheid, yet he still managed to come out and forgive.
The tour was kind enough that Aqeeva would let us hop off the car to take in sceneries or capture sights with our cameras and phones. At Maidenās Cove, we saw the first of mountains and oceans combos. With the winds through my hair, I already knew I was going to have a great time. My hair, not so much.
When we got to Hout, Aqeeva began getting real. He showed us another township and explained what ālocationsā meant: the places where the South African blacks were relocated after the abolition of apartheid. He said that we were going to drive by the most expensive school, Hout International School, which made him angry because why ask for such tuition when majority of the population cannot afford their meals. The international school is said to have students who are descendants of the pioneers of apartheid.
We drove by a corrections facility nearby, Pollsmoor Prison, where Nelson Mandela was incarcerated for two years before he was exiled to Robben Island. My teammate wanted to stop and take photos but Aqeeva had a better idea: see it from above. After the prison was this massive white structure and it turned out, it was the American Embassy. If you wanted to make an appointment, youād really have to pay gas to get there. We went uphill and stopped the car, so we could go down and view the prison facility from the top. The winds were getting stronger and it was the first video of a few I took, struggling not to be blown away, saved on my phone.
The entire trip Aqeeva taught us how to say Afrikaans words which were difficult because itās mostly Dutch and itās a language that involves a lot of hacking sounds as if youāve got to expel something from your mouth. During the drive I also kept seeing a symbol attached to road signs. Aqeeva said that if you see that symbol, it means itās a national park. The symbol is the head of an impala ā I thought it was the top of a bikini. Aqeeva LOL-ed at me and said he will tell this to his buddies. I facepalmed internally in shame but my brain has never seen an impala symbol/icon before. I said my sincerest apologies for it.
Simonās Town was a quaint little town; you can even say itās cute. Just like its celebrity residents ā the African Penguins at Boulders Beach. Penguins in Africa. PENGUINS. I felt really blessed to be among these beautiful creatures. Theyāre endangered but seeing the penguins content in their natural habitat with the rest of the colony was wonderful - peaceful even. Iāve seen penguins in zoos before but it really is majestic to see them outside. We had a boardwalk and wooden barricades between us but still, the penguins moved freely on the boulders, sand, and in water. Baby penguins were in their nests and brown fur.
We were onto our last leg of the tour, the Capes, if you will ā Cape of Good Hope and Cape Point. To see these, we had to enter Table Mountain National Park. Aqeeva told us the grounds we would see here have been untouched for thousands of years, only the main road for tourists was made on top of it. If we were lucky, ostriches, zebras, and elans can be seen ā the latter spotted camouflaged on the side of a mountain.
Now history time: Vasco Da Gama, a Portuguese explorer, landed on Cape of Good Hope. This name and location I had to study in school for and I was driving there. Aqeeva let us hang out at Cape of Good Hope for a while to experience it. The winds would take you back to your car if you werenāt careful. I could imagine how rough it wouldāve been back then. But that was the beginning of South Africaās colonization.
At Cape Point, a funicular will take you to the old, non-working lighthouse that served as a beacon for ships and sailors for centuries. Here, one wrong step and your phone could be hurled by the strong winds into the rocky cliff or worse, you yourself. At this time my hair was only a thing that covered my scalp.
Driving back to our hotel, we saw old main streets with their mom-and-pop stores and cars parked in surf towns. We saw whales and dolphins swimming in the ocean as we drove past. Aqeeva said that all beaches in South Africa are public and if you want to take a dip, just go. This was a result of apartheid because when it was in effect, blacks were not allowed to swim in beaches with the whites.
Table Mountain was unrecognizable because it seemed the clouds ate it up. You would think a monster was hiding inside it and was about to pop out. Aqeeva pointed out an unfinished bridge in the middle of the CBD (Central Business District) thatās still entangled in a legal battle (I said we have the same kind of bridge in the Philippines too!) And that majority of Cape Town is actually reclaimed land ā it used to be the ocean. Thatās why at the Maritime Centre we saw an old scale model of Cape Town with more bodies of water than concrete.
With the trip over by 6pm and us safely in the hotel, we were ready to eat our very late lunch. Iām surprised I didnāt drop dead from hunger, considering that we were on the road for a good five hours, drank only a bottle of water and shared a small packet of Korean brownie I brought in my small clutch bag. The beautiful sights proved to be enough sustenance.
A good day to stroll
We had our three-day training and enriched ourselves with new knowledge that we can apply to our work. It was good to be around other foreigners, sharing ideas and backgrounds. An Indian from Mumbai asked me, āDid you grow up in Manila?ā I answered yes but had to ask why the question. She shrugged it off yet I knew because I speak fluent English with an American accent. Iām Filipino ā thatās the only way we speak English. It connotes that English fluency may mean having been educated in the West. I studied in schools founded on the American education system. This is the result of years of that.
On our last free day in Cape Town, we had hoped to get up to Table Mountain and ride the ferry to Robben Island. Again, adverse weather conditions prevented us from doing both and though disappointed with no more time to wait for good weather, I and my teammate took a day of strolling at V&A Waterfront. It was also the remaining day we could buy souvenirs for friends and family, so we took it.
Side note: Itās spring in Cape Town right now with 19 degrees Celsius in daytime but drops to 11 degrees Celsius or lower at night. I had to put on layers of sweaters because I didnāt bring winter-grade coats thinking it was spring, anyway. Weather is unpredictable in Cape Town because our Peninsula tour was a sunny day, our three-day training was rainy, and our last free day sunny again. When it rains, the winds donāt let up and it feels like winter.
The Waterfront proved to be equally as historical. This was one of the ports of trade centuries ago and now a bustling site for businesses and real estate. An old captainās post is now a four-story souvenir shop. Thereās a red leaning clock tower beside a swing bridge (it was fun to wait for it to return to place after a boat sails past). There are restaurants by the docks (we had our lunch of steak and pie there listening to a two-man band playing easy listening tunes). There were schoolchildren waiting their turns to ride a ferry for a field trip (a young boy said āhelloā to me and I said the same to him ā did I look ānewā to you, kid?) Buskers of all kinds, choral groups, those who only play instruments, and singers doing covers were everywhere (they were territorial, a soloist busker had to stare down a group of brass performers at the Nobel Square).
Here we also got an introduction to Robben Island, a mini museum if you will of what to expect on the island. This served as our education already of apartheid and Nelson Mandela. On one of the walls it defined apartheid as āan official government policy of racial segregation formerly practiced in the Republic of South Africa, involving political, legal and economic discrimination against black South Africans.ā
The rest of the displays showed how systematic the policy was in displacing blacks and ensuring they remained uneducated and powerless. Apartheid was founded after 1946 ā thatās not even colonial times anymore. If we had gone to Robben Island we could be more enlightened. But stepping into that threshold will make you think and feel already. Not the good kind but thatās a good thing.
We wanted to see an art museum but it was still closed, so at the last minute, got tickets to Two Oceans Aquarium where sea creatures from the Indian and Atlantic Oceans are exhibited. Inside, we met a marine biologist who taught us about a strawberry anemone, how it eats miniscule shrimps (there was a microscope that projected on a TV), and its symbiotic relationship with clown fishes (Finding Nemo). She was fascinated to learn that we came from the Philippines and told us that since the sea creatures they housed were from cold waters, theyāre rather small. But where we come from, warm waters mean bigger fishes, sharks, and anemones. I told my teammate, āDo I want to swim in our beaches now?!ā
Going back to our hotel, we decided to maybe squeeze in either Table Mountain or Robben Island before our 3PM flight the next day. But upon double checking our schedule, we were flying out of Cape Town at 1PM. Good thing we re-checked because we couldāve stayed in Cape Town more than we wanted to and be in trouble at that.
Ā Beautiful is too simple a word
I am blessed to have been given the opportunity to go to Cape Town and experience Africa, in general. We have colleagues from Nigeria, Kenya, Cameroon, and Senegal who told us the differences between their countries and South Africa. The fact is: South Africa is NOT Africa. It cannot speak for all the countries of this vast continent. We actually got to the posh side of Africa with the rich and turbulent history of apartheid and Nelson Mandela. Based on our driver/guide Aqeeva, he feels his country will slowly continue to bridge the gap between the privileged and the poor. He was honest to tell us that thereās a class struggle still going on but heās optimistic.
Will I return to South Africa or Africa? I need to be realistic and say, with the proper resources, I will. Did I ever dream I could go there? No, because I never thought I would. But I did and it was beautiful. My business now is to read more about the country and its history, which should have been my homework before I went there. Itās unbecoming of a traveler but I caught up.
The South Africans we spoke to, whites and blacks, were kind and helpful. My favorite interaction was us eating at The Apache Spur, a family restaurant in the Waterfront mall. Now the irony of having an Apache-themed resto in the middle of South Africa did not go past me. I struggled with the cultural appropriation myself but whole families ate there and the food was great. It served ribs, burgers, and steaks. When our orders were being taken, the black South African waitress asked mine.
āOne steak please, 200 grams.ā
She asked, āOkay, how do you like it?ā
āWell done,ā I answered.
āWELL DONE!ā she shrieked.
Consider her shookt. She left with a smile on her face, probably laughing inside because a foreign girl asked for a well-done steak. Which I prefer, by the way.
And thatās how I can describe my trip to Cape Town, South Africa: WELL DONE, indeed.
I have not been on Tumblr for a while because life happened. After going to Paris and Copenhagen, I also returned to Seoul and in between, I work and dream some more. I'd like you to know that I have gotten myself out of drowning and am living in moments, making memories, being my true self that I have either repressed or have not discovered before. I now understand what happy could look and better yet, feel like. Not every time but it's a day at a time. I will never be content but at least I know how to be when it matters.
Exercise: Exploring New Ways of Being in Relationships
Letās create a profile of emotional maturity that you can work towards. The following lists present a picture of how an emotionally mature person might interact and behave in relationships. Read through the following lists of new behaviours, beliefs and values and choose a few to practice. Just pick one or two at a time, and be gentle with yourself as you work on them. Some might be harder than others.
Being Willing to Ask for Help:
Iāll ask for help whenever I need to.
Iāll remind myself that if I need something, most people will be glad to help if they can.
Iāll use clear, intimate communication to ask for what I want, explaining my feelings and the reasons for my request.
Iāll trust that most people will listen if I ask them to.
Being Myself, Whether People Accept Me or Not:
When I state my thoughts clearly and politely, without malice, I wonāt try to control how people take it.
I wonāt give more energy than I really have.
Instead of trying to please, Iāll give other people a true indication of how I feel.
I wonāt volunteer for something if I think Iāll resent it later.
If someone says something I find offensive, Iāll offer an alternative viewpoint. I wonāt try to change the other personās mind; I just wonāt let the statement go unremarked upon.
Sustaining and Appreciating Emotional Connections:
Iāll make a point of keeping in touch with special people I care about and returning their calls or emotional messages.
Iāll think of myself as a strong person who deserves to give and receive help from my community of friends.
Even when people arenāt saying theĀ ārightā thing, Iāll tune in to whether theyāre trying to help me. If their effort makes me feel emotionally nurtured, Iāll express my gratitude.
When Iām irritated with someone, Iāll think about what I want to say that could improve our relationship. Iāll wait until I cool off and then ask if the other person is willing to listen to my feelings.
Having Reasonable Expectations for Myself:
Iāll keep in mind that being perfect isnāt always necessary. Iāll get stuff done rather than obsess over getting things done perfectly.
When I get tired, Iāll rest or do something different. My level of physical energy will tell me when Iāve been doing too much. I wonāt wait for an accident or illness to make me stop.
When I make a mistake, Iāll chalk it up to being human. Even if I think Iāve anticipated everything, there will be outcomes I donāt expect.
Iāll remember that everyone is responsible for their own feelings and for expressing their needs clearly. Beyond common courtesy, it isnāt up to me to guess what others want.
Communicating Clearly and Actively Seeking the Outcomes I Want:
I wonāt expect people to know what I need unless I tell them. Caring about me doesnāt mean they automatically know what Iām feeling.
If people close to me upset me, Iāll use my pain to identify my underlying need. Then Iāll use clear, intimate communication to provide guidance on how they could give it to me.
When my feelings are hurt, Iāll try to understand my reaction first. Did something trigger feelings from my past, or did the person really treat me insensitively? If someone was insensitive, Iāll ask him or her to hear me out.
Iāll be thoughtful to other people, and if they arenāt thoughtful in return, Iāll ask them to be more considerate and then let it go.
Iāll ask for something as many times as it takes to get a clear answer.
When I get tired of interacting, Iāll politely speak up, asking if we can continue our contact at another time. Iāll explain kindly that Iām just out of gas at the moment.
(From Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson)
I treat myself like I would my daughter. I brush her hair, wash her laundry, tuck her in goodnight. Most importantly, I feed her. I do not punish her. I do not berate her, leave tears staining her face. I do not leave her alone. I know she deserves more.
I know I deserve more.
Michelle K., I Know I Deserve More.Ā (via internal-acceptance-movement)