no... no no no.. no no no noo no NO NO dont do that !!! i thought we were having a nice date... why does it matter i thought we were having a nice daaatee??
Thinking about how everyone in falsettos got to grieve properly for Whizzer except Whizzer.
It's a very unique sort of grief, to have to grieve for one's self. Whizzer had to face the ever present threat of his own death and deal with the knowledge that the lovely life he and Marvin might have had would never be, nor would he ever get to move on or try again.
Up until What Would I Do, at which point he's already gone and barely more than an apparition, Whizzer never properly expressed the pain and grief and heartache of dying - at least, not to anybody else.
He's silent through Days Like This, allowing those around him to say their piece and convince themselves everything was going to be okay. He smiles at them and attempts to play chess with Jason. It's obvious that he wants to make things nice for them even though he knows what's coming.
He spends most of unlikely lovers trying to soothe Marvin, trying to convince him to go home and that he would be fine. He seems considerably more interested in taking care of Marvin than allowing Marvin to take care of him. During this song, there are a few moments where Marvin seems to begin to break down, and it's Whizzer who holds him and tries to stay put together.
The line "let's pretend nothing is awful" gets repeated a lot. On one level, maybe it's sweet. Maybe they all just want to feel normal and okay and it's the best they can do. On another, though, it's a sort of insistence that Whizzer keep pretending he's going to be okay when he knows he isn't. It doesn't give him the space to deal with all the horrible emotions that come from facing his own death because the people around him are hurting too. It keeps him smiling and trying to act somewhat put together in front of his loved ones instead of expressing what he's really feeling.
We get his full breakdown in You Gotta Die Sometime, which, of course, he's alone for. That's when we get to see that he really is terrified to die, that he wants more time no matter how hard he tries to keep his composure and act like it's not affecting him. He explicitly says that he doesn't want to play dumb anymore. He wants to acknowledge what's coming and live as much as he can before he goes.
Then everyone comes in for the bar mitzvah, and suddenly Whizzer is pulling smiles again and toasting Jason and trying to hold himself together for everyone else up until the very end when he just can't anymore.
The next time we see him, he's already gone. Just an image in Marvin's mind's eye.
He never got a chance to process or cope with his own death up until the very end. Throughout his entire decline, he keeps any amount of pain to himself, instead tending to the needs of others or just acting like he's considerably more okay than he was.
Whizzer's death broke the family. Each and every one of them hurt like hell after his passing. Even so, despite how much pain they were experiencing, they all came together to mourn him and lean on each other in the end. They got to grieve. They got to continue the final act of loving him, and in turn loving each other.
sometimes i wonder how jason felt after whizzer died. i wonder if he had any guilt. it was his bar mitzvah. it was supposed to be a good day, one last hurrah. did it take up all of whizzer's remaining energy to be happy for him? was it a horrible plan after all? if he hadn't had the party, would whizzer have any more time left? jason hadn't even wanted it to begin with.
he's just a kid, but he's also almost 13. he feels like he should be smarter and more mature after this. but he's also just a boy who wanted to have fun with his family before everything went to shit. and he wonders: was it worth it? he wants whizzer back. he wants his family back. he feels like it's his fault, but really, it wasn't. and whizzer died happily, surrounded by his loved ones, watching the child he's grown so fond of growing up.
i have so many feelings about jason falsettos fuck i am so sad
“Sorry you have reached a number that is disconnected or is no longer in service.” -falsettos fanfic
Authors note- uhhh this is kinda trashy because I made it in like 15 minutes without editing
Word count- 1.149k
Warnings- angst, canonical character death, Marvin needs a therapist that isn’t Mendel, post act 2, implied character death, Marvin’s giddy seizures references, suicidal thoughts, seriously someone get him a psychiatrist
Summary- Marvin thinks about him and whizzer, he comes to the realization that his memory of whizzer is fading.
Fic below the cut
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It had been two months.
Or exactly 1460 hours since whizzer had left permanently. 840 hours since he saw his lover lowered into the ground, buried underneath hot soil. It was sunny that day, the sun beamed down on the back of his neck causing sweat to form and trickle onto the inside part of the collar of the white button up.
Marvin hated the Sun, he always preferred the rain. Cold wet rain made him feel less alone, the pitter patter as the rain hit the ground or the window brung him comfort. The sun didn’t. But whizzer liked the sun; he liked both actually, but above all weather conditions he loved the sun. He remembered asking him about it once, said something about how the heat from it gave him a dopamine rush. He remembered whizzer sounding-
His thought ended there. He searched for words to describe how he sounded on that day, but he could barely do it. The sound of his voice was faint like a memory from when your three. Marvin stood still. Completely frozen as he tried desperately to remember.
“C’mon…c’mon…”
Whizzer, whizzer, whizzer, whizzer.
He searched his mind desperately for every memory he and whizzer had to remember what he sounded like. It hadn’t been that long had it? No no, whizzer wasn’t gone. Whizzer was still here in memory, he had to remember or else whizzer would be gone. He would’ve lost whizzer forever. There would be no salvation for it.
Marvin’s body started to attempt to move, but he couldn’t. In fact, when he tried to, he immediately lost his balance and almost fell if it wasn’t for the wall. He’d been like this for a while, he’d been used to the muscle atrophy at this point. It had been happening even before whizzer got hospitalized. He did what he normally did, dragged his foot, forced himself to move desperately the tingling sensation and numbness.
He slumped to the ground as soon as he reached the small wooden table that his phone sat. He reached up, his hand searching for the familiar shape and started to push it off. He caught it as it feel and he quickly dialed.
xxx-xxx-xxxx
He held the receiver up to his ear. His breath heavy with anticipation as it rang. It was only maybe 15 seconds but it felt like 15 years of waiting. 15 years of waiting for whizzer to answer, for him to ask Marvin howworks going, marvin would answer that he’s working late, that he’d be home soon. Marvin would be nice, say that he’d bring takeout on his way home. Whizzer would say okay. He’d come home to see whizzer. Everything would be alright that way.
Finally the ringing ended and Marvin gripped the reciver like a frightened hold with a knife.
“Hello this is whizzer brown, I’m out right now. Call back later, unless I’m ignoring you. In that case fuck off.”
The line went dead and Marvin called back again.
“Hello this is whizzer brown, I’m out right now. Call back later, unless I’m ignoring you. In that case fuck off.”
And again, and again, and again. He started laughing. It was kinda like whizzer was ignoring him huh? Like he was two years back when they’d first broken up. Marvin remember a couple days after the incident he had called whizzer seven times, one time sober where he left him harsh words. Called him a money hungry slut that couldn’t keep his legs shut that just leeched off of rich men. The other times he was drunk, completely hammered. Begging, apologizing like a pathetic loser. Whizzer only answered once. With the help of the voicemail he remembered the exact tone and cadence of his voice.
“Marvin.”
He paused and Marvin began his drunken apologies, whizzer cut him off after a sentence though.
“Marvin, lose my number. Never call me again or else I’m changing it.”
He sounded tired, angry, a little bit pained too. The line went dead after that and as much as Marvin was pissed that day that whizzer dared had the nerve to ignore, he ultimately obliged. He didn’t call him or see him until two years later.
Marvin laughed at the memory. Not that it was funny in any capacity, but the idea whizzer was just ignoring him again. That if he keeps pestering whizzers line he’d answer, cuss him out, yell obscenities at him. He wanted nothing more than for him to do that actually. He wanted to hear whizzer again, he wanted to touch and feel his hair, his skin. He wanted to talk to him. This was the closest he could get. So he dialed again, and again, and again.
For the first time in months he felt happy it was Like whizzer was still here, like whizzer was going to walk though their apartment door and kiss him. Everything of whizzer’s was still here after all. His cameras, his clothes, his shoes, his film, his baseball bat, his mitt, his racket. all of it. Whizzers stuff was in their room waiting for him. Whizzers line was still active, so eventually he’d answer and complain about Marvin blowing up his phone, he’d come home and tear Marvin a new one about not taking care of himself and his disgusting choice of clothes. Whizzers still here.
He dialed his number again. The numbers on it started to become more faded than the rest, Marvin didn’t know how long he’d been at this. Marvin had began to loose the concept of time outside of his work hours entirely actually. He held the receiver up to his ear again, waiting for the next hit of relief at whizzers voice as if it was a drug. But was instead swindled and scammed, being met with the robotic tone of a woman.
“Sorry you have reached a number that is disconnected or is no longer in service.”
He threw the reciver down to the floor, the line making the rest of the phone follow. It was most likely broken but Marvin didn’t care.
Whizzer was gone. Marvin couldn’t hear whizzers voice anymore. Marvin wouldn’t ever see whizzer again, Marvin wouldn’t see his lover come home, his lover wouldn’t take photos of him without him looking, he wouldn’t tear into him anymore for his poor choice of clothing and style, they wouldn’t play raquetball anymore, whizzers camera would collect dust, so would his film, whizzer wouldn’t play and loose against Jason, whizzer wouldn’t help Jason practice for baseball.
Whizzer brown was gone, he wasn’t coming back.
Marvin laughed and laughed and laughed. He writhed and clutched his stomach tightly as he curled into a ball. Laughs eventually turned into choked up sobs.
Whizzer brown was officially gone, there was no salvation or saving grace. Marvin had gotten one of his worse fears to come to fruition. At least Marvin would reunite with him soon enough, apologize for everything. He was bound to see his lover once more, kiss him, hold him, talk with him. It’ll eat him, swallow him whole. Weather it be illness or the ocean, he’ll see whizzer once more.
no one ever talks about the bit in I Never Wanted To Love You where Jason says "love the things I never had" and Marvin and Trina reply "love our family" but OHHHH THAT LINE HURTSSS
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