A Distress Call Melts Upon Ignorance
Well, to be honest, i am not this attention-addict kind of guy. I’ve been long enough struggling alone with bipolar disorder. I’ve been through countless suicide attempts. Not a big deal. Although i have to admit, i need to keep my circle small yet strong. The necessity of having a strong inner circle is clearly undisputed. I need to have my own safety net. I need to stay safe when i suddenly drop my serotonin level.
A decade of being a bipolar disorder survivor has taught me how to deal with it. Everything is simple. I understand the cycle, i understand quite sure about how long my manic phase will last, and so does the depressive phase. So, to be honest, being chosen as one of few persons to hold my safety net is not really a burden to the whole life. All they have to do is just tell me that they are there through my depressive phase. It doen’t last forever, probably a week or so in every two months. In fact, the lowest point usually last only 3 or 4 days. These 4 days are the days when i really need to communicate with those in my core circle. Sounds a bit cliché i guess, but somehow it is true that you can always hold on to the ones you love.
I do understand that i might have put an additional burden on them, and i appologize for being so. The process of building the circle was tough, i guess it took years before i finally decided the whole team. My circle was already small, and i had to make it even smaller. Those i carefully selected were the ones who already well-informed about my conditions. But yes,as i might have guessed earlier, since life is a disaster, shit happened all along the way.
Everything was going pretty well until i realised there was something wrong. One of the person in this core circle didn’t serve the duty at all. All i usually needed was nothing more than a response when i dropped into the depressive phase. Nope, i never expected anyone to stand by my side through the phase. I understand completely that it would be exhausting for them. Beside, i’ve been through this shit for ten years or more, i exactly know what to do. The reason behind the necessity of a response is just to keep me sane. That’s it. Nothing more. I need to keep myself sane enough to resist the urge to commit suicide. All i needed was just responses, and probably a usual warm yet meaningful chat, and this person thought that being cold and numb was the best way to deal with any living thing. This person somehow, thought as well ( i supposed so, uhm, to be honest, it was my judgement ), that i was nothing but an old assclown begging for an attention.
Finally, i got to swallow the bitter pill. Yes, i have chosen the wrong person to hold on. But since life goes on, so it’s time to move on because the spirit carries on. Is it matter? Uhm, well, strangely, the answer can be both yes and no. No, of course, i’ve been through this before. You know, shits come and go, and since i believe that people equals shit, then you know what i mean. No matter how much shits i stepped on, i have to keep going with the dancing. Sadly, at the same time, i can’t easily say ‘nothing really matters’ like what Metallica did years back. I’m just a human being. An ordinary one, to be precise. I feel these emotions. I have these ups and downs. Losing someone i love and care is never an easy thing to deal. It breaks my heart. It tears me down.
All in all, here i am. Keep on living. Still facing the moodswing things. Keep struggling with the serotonin dropping. Keep holding on to the loved ones, although the safety net is now has a missing point. Yes, i keep the missing point like it used to be.The idea of replacing this missing point just never comes to my mind. I’m not really sure. Maybe, this person is simply irreplaceable. Or maybe, i’m doing it (keep the missing point) as an everlasting reminder that everyone has a chance to let me down, and i have to get ready for that. Then again, it just maybe.
NOTE : i use “this person” so that no one is going to waste their time by guessing whether it supposed to be ‘he’ or ‘she’. :)