& somehow home wasn’t home anymore
“home” is always a word that has meaning ever since we are little, yet it isn’t supposed to be just a word, it is supposed to be a word that makes you feel. Feel safety, feel comfortable. It is supposed to be a place where you can go and feel at ease, where you don’t have to hide your true feelings, where you don’t worry about people judging you. but all of a sudden, my ‘home’ , was no longer where i could go and be me. it was a place where i consistently felt like a disappointment, where i couldn't share my true feelings, because all they would tell me would be “you are doing this wrong” “you aren’t supposed to do that” “how come you're the only one in the family who gave me these problems” “it is your fault why i end up in the hospital and why i am sick” “you are selfish, you make dumb mistakes, do you ever think about what you’re doing”
and while i am no angel, and i am no perfect human being, while i did make mistakes, those words that were said to me, scared me one way or another. I’ve always had rules at home, expectations , and two older sisters who i had to follow and be just like them or else i was doing things wrong. the think about them was they were scared, scared to get out of their comfort zone, scared to hear “no” from people, and who preferred to do as they were told to rather than going for it, rather than taking chances. that is what is different about me, i asked knowing that there were 99.99% chances that the answer was going to be a no. I would think to myself, well what about that .01% ? maybe just maybe, i might get the answer i’m looking for it. why if it is something i really want to do, why wouldn’t i go for it? because everyone is different, we all want different things, and i think it is unfair to expect the same behavior from your 3 daughters, because the 3 of them are different, they are their own person. they are allowed to make their own mistakes, you cannot shelter them forever, one day they have to go in the real world, just like you parents did, they need to learn on their own just like you did. and yes it is scary, knowing that they can make mistakes, but there is so much you can do for them. otherwise you are hurting them rather than protecting them , because then they really wont know how to take care of themselves.
& all of a sudden, my home went from a place/family, to one person in specific and a certain amount of close friends. it went from wishing i was at my house because it felt like home to wishing i was at work or even at school because those places felt more like home.
to that one person, i am infinitely thankful, because you gave me endless laughs, genuine smiles, you cared for me, and you didn’t judge me like every other person did, including my family. you became my home, you became my go to whenever i had troubled thoughts. you are my best friend and my lover, my partner in crime, and honestly thank you. from the bottom of my heart. thank you for becoming my home, i hope i became yours too.
to all those who might relate to me, just know you aren’t alone, although it may feel like this right now, you will find your home. but get out of your comfort zone, take those chances, take care of yourself and those you love. talk to someone, or write it just like i am right now. but let it out.
