Augustine

I wish to be happy. But the world doesn't let me. So i build my own world here.

[memoritersirat]

You know.. sometimes you just need to put on your headphone, turn on some songs and spill out things inside your head

@memoritersirat

[memoritersirat]

#23 When we were together

When we were together I would always ask a lot of things And you would answer them all in contrary Then we ended up in small word fights

When we were together I would read some books And you would watch some movies Then we ended up staying next to each other All day long

When we were together You mostly kept looking at me silently And I mostly kept feeling awkward Then we ended up laughing at it

When we were together You once said to me "I don't know why, but I always have good and bad times with you Good times when you keep making weird questions or comments And bad times when you have nothing to say or being quiet"

I was a bit confused "Why do you say it's bad when I'm quiet and it's good when I'm totally sucks at words? Do you like seeing me making fun of myself?! Jerk!" I ended up hitting your back "First of all, yes I do", you replied randomly I hit your arm and back again and again "But second and the best of all, because I love seeing your face when you're pissed off or even making weird eyebrows when you think or analyze things You make me even adoring you more with those face expressions Isn't it the most stupid of all?"

Yes. We ended up laughing at each other, all over again

[memoritersirat]

#22 After it was over

Maybe I have seen it before but I just didn't recognize it Maybe I have waited for it before but I just ignored it coming

Maybe you have wanted it long time but you just needed more signs Maybe you have shown such acts before but you just didn't let me know

You needed more time I needed more proof You couldn't leave I couldn't stay We both were suffering We both were struggling A lot..

That day was just like any other day but I finally made up my mind right before you spoke up I spilled them first

I have decided to leave this relationship

That time, I weirdly could read your mind You would say that you agreed But then you said, "I didn't expect you would do this I thought we still have more time to fix everything But today, you told me you want to end it So.. here we are, at the end I hope that you wouldn't regret this and still, I wish you all the happiness in the world"

Then you walked out from our table Leaving me sitting alone I kept on looking at your empty seat I wondered in mind if I would reminisce this moment any other day

Maybe I would do but probably, I would smile on it

[memoritersirat]

#21 On Top of The World

I have seen you there Lowering your back so deeply Walking on the street so tired With the face looking so weary

I have seen you there Seemed like your world has wrecked down No more excitement or passion Seemed like no lights inside your days

Tried my best to lift up your day Then after a few days passing by I saw it, your little effort to rise again I saw it, your small eagerness of staying alive

I have seen you in your downs and ups But I barely see you in such low power In every single thing I also barely see you in such difficult way In elevating yourself

It was probably the best or worst time of yours But you always try to take me along And you always let me see all about you Yet I enjoyed a lot to be there with you

Until that day was finally arrived When you finally stood at your own feet And still, you didn't let me leave your side You told me it was not only your moment on top of the world You said it was also our time.. for both of us Just like you always do You needed me there to be next to you

"I had you when it was the lowest so I would love to have you too when it's the highest It will always be our moment, two of us.."

[memoritersirat]

#20 (Wasn't) Meant to hear

Most of the times you wondered Wondered what's inside my head Wondered what I were thinking Wondered how I made up my mind about things around me

Most of the times we tried to read Read each other's mind Read each other's action Read each other's thought but we also failed, most of those times

I was supposed to hear things directly from you alone not from someone else either it was your friend or family but unsuspectedly, I heard from them

You told me that you did loved me You told me that you did cared about me You told me that you would never leave me but then some other day..

"I couldn't understand the way of her mind thinking I just couldn't get her.. most of the times I don't I don't get why she has to feel disagree about things I don't get why she needs to ensure things I don't get why she dislike about most things but the thing is.. I don't like to confront her about it Coz when I start asking, she wouldn't seem to accept easily She needs to be very certain and confirmed about it And I don't want it happens again in front of me.. It was tiring.." You told them to one of my close friend And that person without doubt, told me the details And it hurt me deeply

I knew I wasn't supposed to hear them but at the very least, I had right to know and at the very least, it was directly from you..

[memoritersirat]

#19 The happiest ever of us

We have ever felt happy when there was only two of us when there was only you and me

whether we were just sitting quietly whether there was just the sound of night and it was coming down through the roof silently

whether we were just doing things differently whether we were drowned in our own world and we did it next to each other

We have ever felt so happy about looking up the sky and we found out its strange purple pink side but we were still able to be happy for it

We have ever felt very happy about holding each other's hand or embracing each other's waist and we found out each other's soft spot so we felt ticklish and almost cried in laughter but we were still able to be happy about it

We have ever felt really happy Just between both of us And out of nowhere you told me "I always feel so happy every time I'm with you But this moment, I think this one is the happiest of us.."

"What makes you think that way?", I asked by curious "It's just I can see the way we laugh together, especially your way. I can see those eyes are twinkling a lot, like there are so many happiness in there. Even though it was just a few seconds but I can see them clearly, just like I can see your face now.." "But that was only in me.. you said it was both of us.." "Right after I saw those twinkling lights in your eyes, I realize that you showed your happiness to me. And it was so beautiful that it makes me feel happy too.. it was contagious, you know"

Unexpectedly, I saw them too; the twinkling lights inside your eyes But obviously, they were much more beautiful than I thought

[memoritersirat]

#18 You versus Fright

As far as I know You were never a craven one You were not afraid of lightning Not even the sound of thunderstorm

As far as I know You were never a currish one You were not afraid of blood Not even the atmosphere of eerie graveyard

As far as I know You were never a coward one You were never afraid of dark places Not even the scene of horror movies

But this I know Although you were not a craven one You once said this to me "I rarely feel afraid about something but after I met you I finally have something to be afraid of"

I locked my eyes on your serious face And put my hand on top of my chin You continued, "Now I know how it feels to be scared of losing someone I really cherish for life Coz I start to be scared of losing you.."

That time, I got a total speechless

[memoritersirat]

#17 I wish

I wish you never said this Don't leave me alone I need you to be here I don't want to be left alone I just want to be with you

I wish you never lied but you did I should have left you

I wish you never said this I'm so sorry I never meant to hurt you It was an accident I didn't mean to do that to you

I wish you never lied but you did I shouldn't have believe you

I wish you never ask this Why don't you believe me? Why did you trust somebody else's words? What were you thinking? What is happening with you?

I wish you never did that but you did I should have just told you my answers

But then, I knew I made a right choice I chose to walk out from your life..

[memoritersirat]

#16 No Space

Sometimes it's a happiness Sometimes it's awkwardness To me, being close to you Sometimes it's foreignness

You said you loved being around me You loved staying close to me You enjoyed our skin being attached You said you enjoyed our moment together

Sometimes it's the adjacency Sometimes it's the intimacy To me, being stuck with you Sometimes it's prodigy

You said you liked my clingy habit You even enjoyed our sleeping moment You told me that moment was peaceful You indulged them very much

I just wanted you to know one secret Those no space moments with you They were miraculous...

[memoritersirat]

#15 Distance Between Us

I have never been in an extraordinary test the long distance relationship I don't think I can do that though since I have never stayed too far from you

We see each other's face almost seven days in a week We always try to have time for each other Breakfast, lunch even dinner time We mostly spend our time with each other

Until one day, when we were having lunch break, you said: "My office is going to have a new branch outside the city.. and I will be needed there for some time, maybe a few months" I was trying to keep my food inside my mouth a.k.a not being shocked. I looked at your face and tried to ensure myself that you were in a serious mode.

"Yes, I'm no joking here, babe. It's just a few months. Don't worry..” your words that time made me felt more anxious. But I couldn't do anything since you really cherished your workplace.

And then it happened you had to leave for a few months and stayed in another city, far from me Since then, I had difficult times even just to stay connected with you We barely had time for each other along the day You were busy with your work there, and so did I We didn't even have time to message each other

It was just a few weeks after you stayed in another city I was totally frustrated in trying to stay connected with you So frustrated that it made me wanted to run to where you are It was just a few weeks after.. And I was already in devastated mode.. I knew I shouldn't be like that

At that moment, I heard my email tone in laptop I checked it. The email was from you, and it was a video mail I opened it and clicked the video Right there I saw your face, you got skinnier a lot..

"hey you, my twenty four seven~ how are you? I hope you don't get any long face there I want to say sorry for not being able to be reached I was so busy, this new office thing took the whole day from me I know you're always trying to talk with me every single day since we were always next to each other until I have to stay here for a while I am really sorry, babe.. Please don't be mad at me I know this is hard for you, coz it is hard for me too here Please take care yourself until the day I get back to you I will try to stay connected with you and this video mail would be one way among the others Love you, babe, you know I do.. always.." you finished the video with your blowing kiss as you always do and I tried not to cry stupidly in front of the laptop

Your email was my definite medicine I finally thought that I would be able to sleep in peace that night...

[memoritersirat]

#14 Kissed by you

I sometimes wonder what's inside your head especially after you give me a kiss whether it's a quick one or a deep one you always have some words for it and all of them, are mostly different

You once kissed me in the morning Right after you opened your eyes You said, "hey babe, you must be never realizing this, the fact that the sun envy your pure swollen eyes in the morning, coz she never has them.." And after that, I throw all the pillows on your face.

Or another time, you once kissed me in lunch time You just finished your food and then you wiped your lips just to kiss my cheek while I was eating You said, "Maybe I have once told you this, but just to remind you, I love seeing your cheeks moving at meal time.." Right after that, my stomach suddenly felt sick.

Or another time, you once kissed me before bedtime You walked to bed after taking shower I could even smell your soap scent from far Then you gave me a goodnight kiss You said, "Did you know that sometimes I wake up just to check if you're drooling in a cute way, babe?" And after that, I wanted to choke you so much coz I was almost died in embarrassment

But then, I realized that you have your unique way, sometimes I call it stupid way, in kissing me

Oddly, I remember those parts the most.

[memoritersirat]

#13 Kitchen Talk

Last night, I tried hard to sleep early. I haven't fixed my bedtime since these past few months and it haunted me a lot. So I gave myself another chance last night. But it didn't work, for several times.

I saw you sleeping soundly at the other side of bed. Didn't want to wake you, I moved out from bed very carefully. Out of nowhere, I walked myself to the dining room. That time, I thought I should make something for my tummy and put myself to bed in hurry.

I opened the fridge and scanned things inside. My eyes caught some cold milk and my brain remembered about the newly bought cereal in the cupboard. So I thought I could boil a glass of milk and pour it on a bowl of cereal to make myself feel drowsy.

In a few minutes, the food was finally ready. I tried hard not to make any slight sound from the kitchen. I deliberately brought a chair from the dining table to the kitchen so the sound of my activity would be a bit further from the bedroom. But then..

"Gotcha~", you said it while walking towards my seat at the kitchen. "You thought I didn't hear you moving from the bed, didn't you?", you and your teasing has begun. "You're not afraid of getting a bit fatty, are you?", yes, here we are again, starting the silly war.

Then I stood from my seat and walked to the sink to pour down all the food. Just for seconds, you ran to me and stopped my hand. I locked my irritated eyes with yours, which showed no guilt at all. 

"I was just kidding honey.. I'm sorry I had no idea that you would be this sensitive..", while showing your sweetest smile, trying to console me.

"I couldn't sleep again and I saw you sleeping like a baby. I wish I don't have to say this, but I was so jealous with you. That's why I walk here to make my tummy full and feel sleepy, so I can sleep too.. until you wake up and start those teasing..", although I know it was just another stupid tease from you, but still, I got triggered back then.

All of sudden, you lifted me up to that small table in the kitchen. "You're not even heavy at all for me, you know.. you're very light just like feather, you know..", you said while surrounding my waist with your hands.

"Oh, not the rag please..", I said while trying to remove your hand from waist.

"No, not at all.. you know how much I enjoy doing this to you.. now please hurry up finishing your food. I will be your lullaby starting from today, kay?", you said it while putting me down and gave a wink while walking to bed. I almost vomited my cereal when I saw it.

That time, I asked myself; is this a fortune or unfortune for my life?

[memoritersirat]

#12 Bedroom talk

I was angry. You were angry. Both of us were angry, and noone wanted to fix this stupid anger thing.

I was so angry that I couldn't knock it out in tears. You were so angry that you barely speak a word to me. Both of us were so angry at each other, and it started to rain outside.

I walked into bedroom to get away from everything for a while. I sat on my bedside, watching the rain dropped at the window. Their drops were calming at that time. At least it made me calmer.

I put myself inside the blanket but there was no intention for me to sleep. I just wanted to be alone on that bed tonight. Until I heard your steps into the room. That moment, I closed my eyes and pretended to be asleep..

I could feel your weight at the other side of bed, you were sitting there. I could hear the sound of your heavy breath, trying hard to calm yourself, just like I did. The rain seemed a bit quieter than before.

"Still awake?", you asked me unexpectedly with your low voice. My back got stiffed and didn't move at all. I was too afraid yet anxious to speak. I didn't want to be angry again to you..

"Nevermind then..", you started to get up from bed, leaving the room and me alone. My back started to loosen, after hearing your steps getting far.

But then I heard your soft voice, "It's okay either you're already sleeping or not.. I just want to tell you, that I can understand why you were angry at me back then. But I also wish that you would understand why I was angry too. Honestly, I wasn't angry with you or us, I was angry with myself.. I was so angry coz I didn't want to lose, I kept being so selfish, I kept making you confused with all of my acts, I kept making you disappointed. It was the climax and I was so blown up.. and I spilled them to you.. I am sorry.. I won't say anything but sorry to you.."

I could hear you walking further from bed, again. And right after you closed the door, I burst into tears. I was very good at holding them inside before then.

And yes, the rain has absolutely stopped.

[memoritersirat]

#11 When you got drunk

One night, you went home very late. You knocked the front door and I opened it for you. That time, I could smell a very stinging alcohol smell. You were drunk hard, barely stand on your own feet. I helped you walk to bed and put off your shoes. You tried to remove your shirt and I helped too. You tried to open your eyes and scan around.

"Oh! there you are, baby.. I thought I have lost you... I thought I would never see you again, but there you are... I'm glad you're still here, babe..", your breath was so bad I could not stand it so I moved a bit further.

That time, I figured that you still remember about our fight past few days. And both of us were still in ceasefire about it. None of us tried to budge or talk thoroughly.

Right after I moved, you tried to sit by your own. Then you started to catch my spot, "I need to say this to you.. would you listen? Please...", you said while trying to grab my hand.

"You're drunk, you don't have to say anything, all you need right now is take some sleep. We can talk tomorrow when you're sober, kay?", I said coldly and let my hand go from his grip softly.

But then you begged, "Please.. tomorrow I will be forgetting what I'm going to say tonight... I just need you to sit closely and listen for a while.. please".

"Okay, I will listen to you, but promise me, after that you should sleep. You look so messy.", I said robustly.

"Okay, I promise.. now sit here, please..", you grab my hand and took me sitting.

I was trying so hard not to smell your breath when you started to speak. "I want to apologize.. I have been trying to say this to you... but I had too much pride... and tonight, I felt so bad about it.. very bad that it made me walked into the bar and got drunk... so I don't have to realize... that you would open the door for me when I got home.. but I was wrong, the alcohol didn't help me at all... I was still able to recognize your face from the front door to this bed.. and then, right after I saw it under this dimmed light... I thought I am a very bad person.. to you.. after all our fights.. and my bad words to you.. you were still helping me.. you still care about me.. even though I'm as messed up like now..". 

There, I could see your expression changed. Your eyes was fully sober, but they were full of tears, silently.

I didn't care about the alcohol smell anymore when I saw it. I brought you into my embrace and cried along with you. I had nothing to say indeed, since you just needed me to listen to your words.

That night, the ceasefire between us has finally ended.

[memoritersirat]

#10 Feel Like Crap

You were the one who felt like shit but you threw that shit to me

You with your badmouthed mind You said I was the rude one You said I never understand you You said I was harsh all the time

You with all your insecurities You said I was too critical You said I was also sarcastic You said that I should grow up

You with all your bad moods You said I never allow you to be happy You said I always make you mad You said I was the bad person in your life

I was confused back then You were the one who felt like crap but you never did looked down into the mirror So you ran to any human being you met And poured all your own shit to that person

I was confused back then Why in the world should I have to feel the same ugly way? Why didn't you just fix yourself instead of making other human feel your shit?

I was confused, then I decided to walk away from you and all your crap.

[memoritersirat]

#9 Tears between Us (part two)

The hot chamomile tea on table was getting cold. Meanwhile, my mind was still wandering to that day. Indistinctly, "End of The Road" by Boyz II Men was played on the radio.

-continued from part one-

"Do you really want to leave me?", you asked me with sorrowful but gentle voice, "Is there anything I can fix for the very last time? If yes, I would try to. If no, then... all I can do is watching your back walk away from me", then you continued to burst into tears.

Unknowingly, your last sentence stabbed precisely to my chest. I never thought you would sincerely send me away. I thought you would say harsh things and wish me all the worst in my life. Right after that, I found myself in tears.

I moved away so you didn't have to hear or see me crying like a baby. But then, I felt your warm hands wrapping my waist. You and your face full of tears, hugged my back very gently. Then you said, "It's okay, babe. You don't have to turn your back when you feel like crying. You have seen me crying too and I am grateful you didn't run away from it. It's okay too if you still want to leave, I am gonna be okay, both of us will.."

That time, I turned myself and hugged you back like I have never done it before. "No, it's not gonna be okay. You will cry all day and probably big chance, I would do the same since I know I won't be there when you are crying. No, it will never be okay, especially for me."

I wiped away your tears on those swollen eyes as you looked up. "Did I succeed in changing your mind?", you asked me with a big grin. I smacked your grin quickly and replied irritatedly, "I wonder where you snatched that big heart of yours, babe.."

---

A gloomy day, with dark clouds and unseen light of the sun. It was a perfect day to reminisce the tears between you and me. I never regret the day I shared my tears with you. That precious day.

[memoritersirat]

#8 Tears between Us (part one)

A gloomy day, with dark clouds and unseen light of the sun. It was a perfect day to listen to sad songs. I walked subconsciously to the radio and turned it on. “Say Something" by A Great Big World was played. My mind flew back to the past while my feet moved to the kitchen, preparing to make a hot chamomile tea.

It was the day you showed me that you are vulnerable, just like me. Perhaps, it was the first and last time I saw you cried a lot, seemed like you have never done it for lifetime. 

To me, it was (also) the last time for you and I, being in a relationship. 

You started to cry and said, "Now tell me, what am I supposed to do? What should I do so I will be good enough for you? You always say that you don't need anything from me, but now you're gonna leave me. Now tell me.. tell me how to change your mind and make you stay and not going anywhere but here"

I looked down to my feet, tried hard not to join your tears. I could hear your slow and deep breathe, trying to manage your suffocated lungs from crying.

"Do you really want to leave me?", you asked me with sorrowful voice, "Is there anything I can fix for the very last time? If yes, I would try to. If no, then... all I can do is watching your back walk away from me", then you continued to burst into tears.

-to be continued-