Mental Bruising For Beginners @mental-bruising-blog - Tumblr Blog

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I don't know what's happened, or what's happening. I know that I'm in a pretty bad place right now, that suicide is all I can think about, when I'm not thinking about her. Are the two related? Probably, but not in a cause and effect way. That's far too simple. And let me own this, yeah? I sit here and use terms like, 'oblivion', or 'an end', and it's alright because that's not suicide. It's not permanent. But I should be honest. I don't want to be dead, but dying? I do that every day. I want to die, I don't want to be dead. It's confusing, right? But that's what it is. There is nothing good I see in my life. I'm just... in the way. A problem to those I care about and less than nothing to everyone else. Not thought about, I just don't exist to them. No one cares. And then, myself, the body I inhabit. This I hate. And I'm stuck in a fuck stupid situation where there is nothing I can do to change it. I've spent months in a gym, years on dietary programs, and seen nothing but weight gain. I do more exercise, I'm probably doing more now than I have since uni, and nothing. Just putting it on. My asthma medication is full of steroids, and my skin is covered in this foul exzema. I disgust myself, obese and foul. I hate this body, and I want to leave it. No one cares. I'm going to have to tell you this, but they don't. If I do act on this suicidal impulse you can put a fair chunk of the blame at the NHS and their group therapists door. Since being 'discharged' from what must mockingly be called their care, I have regressed and dropped further from well than I thought possible. A group of individuals, whose job is to at least pretend to care about you and try and help you be more able to cope with your damage. But no, what they care about is their program, their reputations. And if you don't fit in one, or might damage the other, then out you go. Get lost kid. And they'll try and humiliate you into the bargain. Fuck all of them. I don't know where I'm going with this. I feel like the bottom has been pulled out of my soul, and I'm just holding onto the edge. The pull downwards I am not fighting, but there's a stability. It's not strong enough yet to submerge me, but I am always aware it's there. I just want to lie here and die.

I think I should have tried asking for help a few hours ago

This is not the art I am supposed to be making

#mod diary

#mood diary #words #colours

It was never going to last, was it?

If she loved me, things would be all right.

Been a while siblnce things are this bad... fuh...

"Everyone I know goes away in the end..."

I wasn't really letting it in, but now, today...

Another one goes, another person leaves me. Met with S today, and she too is ending things. Now, this shouldn't be too sad. I should be kinda happy for this. She was abusive and controlling, and I lived in fear for far too long... still do, really. But now she's going, moving on with her new bloke.

And I didn't react when she told me. Not much, anyway. Subtle things, signs that I was struggling that she didn't notice. Like I said to her., I'm getting kinda used to it.

But I'm not. Z, then my therapist, then two more from the therapy team, and now S. All in little over a week. These are not the happy days. I feel very alone and isolated. I can see a lot of quiet lonely nights coming up.

It's hard to deal with. I don't know what to do with myself, and I have no access to any of the things that I used to identify with as me. I'm giving up on the art, I cannot find enjoyment in music... Bored of games and with no attention span for books or TV.

Everyone goes away in the end.

Or just too busy, in some peoples cases. I don't want to come across as whining, it is a fact that the only people who now seem to have time for me are two super busy people. Bands, post grads, new relationships... and I think I'm just waiting for A's boyfriend to tell her she can't see me anymore. Why not? It's happened before.

And the new tablets... I feel like I did when the CFS was at it's worst. I could barely move on Tuesday, and I did not dare take one last night, so I can at least function today.

I feel terrible. Ill and fat and unwanted, unloved, unneeded. Like I don't fit in the world anymore, like I'm too big or don't fit the shape. I hate it. I hate myself.

Ugh.

I spent six hours yesterday with a tab open showing her Facebook update about how much she loved someone else.

Maybe I am a masochist.

It hurt, but I needed that hurt, that emotional pain to try and kick me into being able to release it in physical form. But I didn’t reach that point. I cannot self harm right now. I cannot get drunk, I cannot get high.

Therapy isn’t helping, it’s making things harder as I realise just how alone I actually am now. No friends, no-one who will just meet up and not judge me for how I feel about her. Just people who only want me or my company on their terms.

I just want out.

I feel sad and sick and like everything has changed and nothing is right.

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Mental Bruising For Beginners