40 Very Important DD/lg Facts
Little girls run on three fuels: milk, Sprite, and apple juice.
Morning cuddles are the most important meal of the day.
“All done” describes about a million different situations, from empty plates to empty bladders, from finished baths to finished homework.
There are reasons other than thermal regulation to carry around your favorite blankie.
It is physically impossible to eat Flake bars without getting chocolate everywhere. Not that anyone ever tries.
Little girls do not need a reason to dramatically sigh “oh Daddy.”
Pacifiers designed for 6-month-old babies will withstand approximately 48 hours of intense chewing by an adult little girl before falling apart.
The hurt look on a little girl’s face when Daddy accidentally tells her to “shut up” could melt a mountain troll’s heart.
Decorating a room or drawing a picture typically cures all bad moods. “Daddy fix it” typically cures none, but you can’t explain that to her.
The milk sippy cup will stink to high heaven in the morning if left out of the fridge overnight. This is also known as the Law of Duh.
The definition of love is graciously sitting through an entire viewing of “Wee Sing: Big Rock Candy Mountains” because it’s her favorite childhood video. Google it and you will understand.
An alternative definition of love is changing the channel from sports to reruns of Full House and Boy Meets World.
Band-aids, medications, and other treatments don’t really help unless they come from Daddy.
There are NEVER enough band-aids.
Say “good girl” a lot and make her say “thank you” and “please” a lot.
Little girls are natural philosophers and bedtime stories can spur excellent conversation.
The largest recliner in the house will be automatically dubbed “The Daddy chair.”
Despite forceful allegations to the contrary, Daddy is in fact not totally immune to large watery puppy-dog eyes.
Spankings are a big deal and must not be used lightly. I think I’m starting to follow the TEWTS method: Tell, Explain, Warn, Threaten, Spank.
With that said, a smacked bottom usually turns “no!” into “yes Daddy” within 3-5 seconds. When it doesn’t, repeat until diffuse redness or desired results appear, whichever comes first.
Naughty words can still be clearly made out through her paci.
The closet will be kept open overnight to rule it out as a suitable hiding spot for monsters.
Childproof toilet locks are not childproof. Demand a refund. (Corollary: nothing is childproof).
When shopping for a little girl, buy half the candy and twice the food.
A millisecond is defined as the time between the Daddy’s forgetting something and the little girl’s reminding him in a slightly concerned and definitely bossy voice.
Little girls and their daddies should always be together and it’s terribly unfair when they’re forced to be apart.
The ideal day of a nerdy little girl consists in video games, cult TV shows, Disney movies, and Tumblr.
Having to switch between Little and Big mindspaces is difficult and causes understandable crabbiness.
Little girls always need spankings: for discipline, to end tantrums, or simply for comfort; and on some very rare occasions they can be made to admit to such a fact.
When little girls try to spank Daddy, it hurts them more than it hurts him! (Everyone knows that Daddies have buns of steel).
Little girls will be really scared when they can’t find Daddy upon waking up from a nap or in the morning.
Fizzy drink + sippy cup = leak.
Juice insufficiency is endemic: there’s not enough juice in the sippy, in the fridge, in the house, in the world.
“Can I have ten Oreos?”
“Four.”
“Eight.”
“Five.”
“DADDY THAT’S NOT AN EVEN NUMBER!”
“…”
“Daddy.”
“…Six?”
“Okay I guess.”
Zoo trips are always “the best thing ever,” especially if they involve meerkats.
The first aid kit will be called “The Boo Boo Box” and stocked with all kinds of OTC medication for when little girl is away. Of course, most drugs are almost totally ineffective given that (as everyone knows) “if it doesn’t come from Daddy it doesn’t work.”
Crayons and coloring books will be clearly labeled and neatly stored in the Arts & Crafts Box for maximum ease of access.
OCD will be called CDO because it must be in alphabetical order.
Little girls always get the red gummies.
A little girl is defined as a young humanoid creature who can go from “Daddy I really want pasta!” to “Daddy no pasta!” in about sixty seconds.
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