bad brain shit

vent blog for an anxious borderline autistic who's struggling just to get through life 🔥 more about me

[ashestoashis]

1. your suffering can’t end until you stop identifying with it. if your sense of self is tied up in your suffering, anyone or anything that attempts to separate you from it will become the enemy because, whether consciously or subconsciously, you will on some level believe they are trying to take away a part of who you are.

2. read the above again.

[sunglow-xoxo]

This is so important to understand. It’s a key part of healing.

[ph418c]

[mentally-ill-asuka]

y’all ain’t LGBT or queer for being demisexual and you ain’t oppressed i’m so tired

[mentally-ill-asuka]

forever thinkin about that time i was carrying a big ol painting that i did of a black woman acrross campus and a car full of black girls started honking, cheering and whistling at me bc it was so funny but it sounds like such a fake tumblr story

[mentally-ill-asuka]

while on one hand i think the 100000 different orientation/gender labels are a bit silly bc 1. no normal person can remember all of them so they’re mostly useless outside of the internet and 2. most people you meet don’t need to know your precise orientation/gender down to that much detail…. i’m warming up to the concept a lil because things like “solarian” and “achillean” do bridge a gap we have in our current language to describe things that are very real. the traditional LGBTQA labels just don’t cover everyone

i can boil myself down to a bisexual trans boy and people can understand and accept that but it’s not all of what i am. and sometimes it’s nice to have other words to articulate the rest if i choose to do so

[mentally-ill-asuka]

instead of doing that silly thing where people are like “post your MOGAI label and then your ~real~ one” (which i have foolishly bought into in the past), i’m gonna do the opposite. I’m gonna post the boiled down label I hand out to most people i meet, and then find a string of labels that describes who i feel I really am.

tired: bisexual trans nb-boy

wired: arovague boreasexual bisexual trans bigender solarian neutrois

[mentally-ill-asuka]

while on one hand i think the 100000 different orientation/gender labels are a bit silly bc 1. no normal person can remember all of them so they’re mostly useless outside of the internet and 2. most people you meet don’t need to know your precise orientation/gender down to that much detail.... i’m warming up to the concept a lil because things like “solarian” and “achillean” do bridge a gap we have in our current language to describe things that are very real. the traditional LGBTQA labels just don’t cover everyone

i can boil myself down to a bisexual trans boy and people can understand and accept that but it’s not all of what i am. and sometimes it’s nice to have other words to articulate the rest if i choose to do so

[mentally-ill-asuka]

i hate how i always want to reach out and talk to new people but as soon as it actually starts happening i freak and want it to stop

[mentally-ill-asuka]

god i want top surgery so bad

[mentally-ill-asuka]

i thought i was getting by just basically looking like a butch lesbian but i ended up looking through trans guy porn and the post-top post-T stuff just made my heart ache. i want that to be me

[mentally-ill-asuka]

i’ve already graduated college and i want to be a teacher and that’s not exactly a safe cool space to transition in. i feel like it’s too late for me

[mentally-ill-asuka]

god i want top surgery so bad

[mentally-ill-asuka]

i thought i was getting by just basically looking like a butch lesbian but i ended up looking through trans guy porn and the post-top post-T stuff just made my heart ache. i want that to be me

[mentally-ill-asuka]

god i want top surgery so bad

[mentally-ill-asuka]

this is a long shot, but i’m looking for a collar (like bondage style) that says “good boy” (or somewhere that does customizable text), can anyone help?

[mentally-ill-asuka]

i finally weigh just a few pounds more than i did freshman year... i hovered at 124/125 then and went down to 118/119 or even lower about sophomore year and i’ve been struggling to gain it back ever since. now i’m at 126+ and while that seems like such a small difference it makes me feel a lot better. i loose weight super easily due to chronic illness but i have to fight really hard to gain it back. and being over 125 gives me the comfort of knowing if i get really sick or depressed again i won’t end up underweight. i’ve just had too many close friends end up sickeningly thin due to eating disorders that it’s a huge huge huge trigger for me. j don’t wanna end up like that even through just disordered eating or illness

[peachfrosty]

 Why does feeling okay , feel so foreign?

[mentally-ill-asuka]

i upped my med dose before actually talking to my psych like the awful man i am

[mentally-ill-asuka]

i’m upset and annoyed and i just want attention. it’s 2am and i should just go to bed

[mentally-ill-asuka]

why do some witches think they’re ~oppressed~ and tumblr kids having fun with witchcraft, coming up with ‘simple’ or ‘low-energy’ spells, or just enjoying the witch aesthetic are somehow “roleplaying” or “ruining” witchcraft, like my man.... even if a bunch of people are doing fake magic, how is that hurting you. if some people are putting herbs in their pens and it makes them feel better, why does it matter whether that’s “real” witchcraft or not. witches aren’t a category like race or sexuality that requires specific experiences to be a part of. it’s more like yelling at kids making bad art and telling them they’re not real artists. let people live life. let them have fun. who are they hurting

[mentally-ill-asuka]

i hate how tumblr tagging system works now bc i can’t go into the “bpd recovery” tag without seeing a bunch of posts about “bpd” + “ana/weight/etc.” recovery or straight up thin/spo and that stuff is HUGELY triggering to my anxiety to the point that i will straight up start panicking. which is the exact opposite point of me trying to browse a mental health recovery tag. god.