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i miss roth

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AND ALL THE THINGS I DONT TALK ABOUTTTTTT

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why am i the way that i am? i feel like i’m being hunted for sport for existing. i don’t even have any real reason to feel this way, so why is it happening? i can’t overanalyze my feelings to the point of nonexistence when the feelings don’t make sense to begin with. i don’t understand how to be happy. is it because i feel left out? am i afraid he is going to cheat on me? is it because he is giving other people attention instead of me? none of these reasons feel quite right, and yet i still feel a split coming on. so much for progress!

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“i did some fucked up shit” yeah dude you assaulted and cheated on me and then abandoned me when i needed you most. go ahead and tell her the truth instead of dancing around it to make yourself feel better

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theres just something about october huh

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i know that if i could just hold him he would remember how it feels to love me.

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“I’ve been taking my breaks with [redacted]”

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what if we just stayed friends while i get therapy. strictly platonic, for now. but still promised to each other? seeing no one else? i don’t want to hurt you by committing too early, but i don’t want anyone else but you. i’m tired of running from my feelings. i want to feel them. i want to get better for you. for me, too! but i want to get better to be the person you deserve. i can treat you so, so good. i’m sorry we met when we did, while i was still so unhealed from my past. i’m sorry that i let that cloud my judgement. i realize now i was only running this hard because i was so afraid that i wanted a future with you after thinking i was undeserving for so long. i want you and everything that comes along with that. the highs, the lows, the nights you just need some support. i want to be that for you. i wish my head wasn’t so jumbled so i could have seen our future before it was too late. we could have been so good. we still can be, just let me prove it to you. give me a month or two to show you the difference. i promise this time you’ll be able to see it. i pinky swear. i made progress at therapy for the first time in months, i was taking my medicine consistently before everything got sketchy with it. i’m turning a new leaf, finally getting better. please let me show you, even if that means we’re friends for months, years before you give me another chance. we can take things at your pace, whatever you’re comfortable with. all i beg is that you eventually try one more time.

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all i want is to hear your voice. feel your arms wrapped around me, safe in your bed. i could have been so, so good had i not been so wrapped up in my past. i am an excellent partner when i can allow myself to love unabashedly and honestly. unfortunately, i appear to have lost that ability somewhere. i can’t help but wonder if one day we could try again. let me go to therapy, take my medicine. i’d do it for you. i say that over and over and make no change, but i am so sick of being the way that i am. the change is coming, i feel it. i love you. i could have seen myself marrying you. that scared me, and i panicked, and came up with any and all reasons to escape. i am so sorry that i’ve spent the last year hurting you after you’d given me so many chances to fix my mistakes. i want to be the partner you deserve. i love you. i would be monogamous for you, just let me be. let me learn how to love you exactly how you want me to. let me give you everything you wanted, just one more chance. let me return the love you’ve given me the past year. i would commit to you right now if you asked. drop everything, even my best friend, if it meant the chance to make you laugh at my stupid joke while we take a shower together just one last time. i’ve never experienced an intimacy like that before. nobody has ever loved me the way you did, and i don’t think anyone will again. i’m sorry that i couldn’t see that. i wanted to marry you. i’m sorry i couldn’t let myself feel something for once. i would feel things, no matter how much that scares me, if you’d just give me a chance. i won’t ever get another, but it’s nice to imagine our hypothetical life together. our cats would learn to love each other. two toothbrushes on the bathroom sink, two towels hanging on the wall. my shoes next to yours by the door. seeing each other after work, relaxing together and enjoying each other’s company while enjoying whatever silly tv show we’ve chosen to watch. knowing that we had each other’s back, no matter what. i love you. i always will. just say the word, and i’ll be right there at your doorstep like a lost dog ready to come home.

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we could’ve been the greatest

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i am probably going to the psych ward tomorrow. i am so tired of this life. all i wanted was to not be alone, was that too much? am i too much? (i ask, knowing the answer already). i know i am too much and yet not enough. i wish i could have been enough. i almost left him a voicemail saying my goodbyes last night. the bottle on my nightstand whispers to me endlessly. i know i am strong enough to make it through this, but i am so tired of being strong. would it be too much to lay down my burden and admit defeat? everything has been collapsing in on itself lately and i do not know how to cope. change after change after change and i cannot handle it.

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“i just can’t be with someone like you”

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“i don’t think you could make me not like you… but you could break my heart.”

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i know there doesnt always need to be words to describe what you’re feeling… but without my words what semblance of control do i have left? and whilst the words elude me i can feel my grasp loosening and slipping, and then what? what is left for me when i can no longer hold myself together with my simple scraps of tape and smattering of elmers glue? i am but a husk of a being. there is no “me”, only scraps of people who have passed through my life and touched me. a lost friend leaves a stinging in my throat, a what-if leaves a trembling weakness in my fingertips. the worst are those ive yet to drive away, having taken root deep within my chest, splitting my sternum with growth. nothing can prosper within me, my body acts as a poison for all that inhabit it. and what does that leave me?

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i dont know what to do anymore. everything within me is so fucked up, its like a switch will flip in me somewhere. there is and always will be a part of her woven in with every experience and i dont know how to cope knowing i will never get the opportunity to be my own person. i dont know. will write back later… lol

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