john mulaney quotes (from what i remember)
-(to people coming in late) Welcome! No one likes my baby and I’m a drug addict!
-An intervention at its core is a prank.
-I was the best looking person at my intervention.
-I did this bit in front of Nick Kroll recently, and afterwards when I got backstage he said *voice drops an octave deeper* How come when you tell this story we are so lame and you are so cool?
-The intervention broke into chaos. There were rival factions. And half of them sided with me.
-I picked up the bag they packed for me-- poorly it turns out.
-(to a 12 year old in the crowd) I am like a god to you.
-I am neither villian nor victim, just a compliant young man! (about a doctor who gave him drugs and asked him to take his shirt off)
-A legitimate doctor is like an exorcist.
-Pete Davidson has changed his phone number every month. He texted me today with a new one in fact.
-Pete Davidson’s name in my phone is Al Pacino. He called me in rehab and my nurse thought I was talking to Al Pacino and the conversation was insane. “My little boy blue! My little freckle juice!”
-“Baby J is back in the streets!” (about the insurrection)
-John is the only person who has turned an innocent man into a drug dealer.
-I don’t give a fuck about science to a degree that is terrifying. From magnets to ducks.
-I don’t like to quote beauty and the beast, but be our guest (about Russia trying to invade)
-If you don’t know me, ask your daughter. Or son if he’s not an athlete.
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