Conversations at the End of the World

"are you the one with the incredibly depressing tumblr?"

[mercurialcreature]

wow

reading my older tumblr posts and wondering how i am still alive tbqh i was QUITE suicidal. i’m okay now.

[mercurialcreature]

okay!

i’m self aware about the fact that there are 0 people in this world who will read this and THATS why i’m writing this here!

after i successfully moved and got a new job a few months ago, i decided i was going to date! start dating! like, do the thing after three years of not trying! because i just want a smart funny guy to be into me, like really into me, like not just for sex like they usually are. i just want a SMART FUNNY GUY who wants to hang out with me once a week and do stuff! that seems like such a low fuckinnnn bar? RIGHT? i didn’t even say “nice” or “attractive” for fuuuck’s sake. just SMART and FUNNY and LIKES ME but alas!

so i hate dating apps a bunch. they make me super judgmental or i just AM judgmental because i hate all of the guys on there and most of them are NOT funny and smart. having conversations with the ones who seem okay still feels like pulling teeth. but i fucking met this guy at work organically which NEVER happens and we had a long GREAT conversation and i got the balls to ask him for his number. so i did! and we texted for exactly two (2) days before i mentioned i am a total cat person. AFTER he mentioned that he liked cats. boom. ghosted. no replies after that. i’m mad! i hop back on the dating app. i start to date this guy who has my EXACT sense of humor and it feels so amazing and damn i want to keep this up! but NOPE turns out his dry humor also means he can’t emote or something and i have no idea if he likes me and he takes over a day to text me back and this is driving me nuts because when we are together it flows so well. but finally this week, after six weeks of this dance, and only FOUR ACTUAL TIMES of us hanging out, he finally says that he’s not really into dating right now. COOL GREAT BYE. simultaneously i went on a couple of dates with this hot sweet guy who was smart-enough and funny-enough and had a good job. and great at texting back! full on text conversations here! so after a couple of weeks i decide to have sex with him, especially because aforementioned guy ^ can’t fuckin text me back on time. so we are about to have sex and then...he can’t get it up! which, fine, i know! it happens! i’m super nice and understanding about it. and i make the mistake of asking if there’s something wrong. and so he decides to just start blaming me! i’m naked on his bed and he’s blaming me for his soft dick! he’s like “well, you mentioned that you like to be alone, so i thought that meant you didn’t want to be with me. and you hugged instead of kissed me when i picked you up today...” and what! the! fuck! so i’m out of that one.

meanwhile i continue to hate everyone on these dating apps and now people aren’t responding to me or are initiating “we should go out” but then not replying when i try to make a plan. and tHeEeEn TONIGHT that guy i first mentioned JUST REPLIED TO ME. LITERALLY THREE MONTHS LATER. AND HIS RESPONSE WAS AS IF NO TIME HAD PASSED AND IT WAS TOTALLY NORMAL FOR HIM TO RESPOND AND ASK ME ABOUT MY CATS.

i don’t know why? this is so hard? but i do not like it. and i quit. i gave it the ol’ college try but nope. nope. i can’t handle any additional fuckery at this time. forever alone, here we come.

[mercurialcreature]

blarg i don’t like to smoke weed then i forget why and time passes and then i share a joint with my friend and remember my pulse gets super fast and my face feels like it’s expanding like a balloon like it’s swelling and red and my voice is high pitched. no one notices it happening but it feels super real. and i forget things almost instantly after saying them. oof.

[mercurialcreature]

yeah i realized this was actually a panic attack

[mercurialcreature]

blarg i don’t like to smoke weed then i forget why and time passes and then i share a joint with my friend and remember my pulse gets super fast and my face feels like it’s expanding like a balloon like it’s swelling and red and my voice is high pitched. no one notices it happening but it feels super real. and i forget things almost instantly after saying them. oof.

[mercurialcreature]

i know i shouldn't have abruptly stopped taking my anti depressants but it's also a huge bummer to know that after being on them for almost three years and going to therapy i am not healed

like...guess i'm just going to have this mental illness forever nothing i can do about it. the meds improved my life for sure but i was still never fully okay or happy and optimistic. they made me so tired. i wanted to try being without them and it was great for a couple weeks but this past week man i have been crying a lot feeling so deeply alone and i am trying to do these natural remedies to increase my serotonin. but it's not working bro. i'm really fucking sad and feel like a total failure in every area of my life, lame

[mercurialcreature]

i would be a lot more serious about suicide if my parents weren't around. they'd be really upset. other people would get over it but, yknow, not my mom

[mercurialcreature]

the only thing keeping me alive is my faith that happiness and love are attainable despite the constantly increasing evidence to the contrary

hahaha yeah

[vincenzoscorrano-deactivated201]

[mercurialcreature]

the answer was there all along, coop

[mercurialcreature]

i'm one degree away from larry david and it's stressful.

[pulpfiction]

i googled “why do cats run around and meow at night” and one of the results listed this as a cause:

[mercurialcreature]

i ain’t used this website in a long time but i am trying to date now and it’s not going well

and i really want to get out LA For like a week i want to go to twin peaks washington

that’s my new thing now

[mercurialcreature]

good news i booked a flight to see attle for a weekend

[illkim]

[flacomexicano-deactivated201806]

a timeless classic.

[valykas-deactivated20190916]

I can’t with this. This fucks me up every time.

[mercurialcreature]

this just made me laugh so hard i realized i never laugh irl ugh

[mercurialcreature]

me: I want to quit the entertainment industry i don't like my job i'm only one person I can't handle this it's not important enough to me

netflix: hey I received your resume a few months back and would like to have you in for an interview

me: 👍

[chad-lawson-deactivated20190925]

“Tulpa” by Chad Lawson

[mercurialcreature]

i ain't used this website in a long time but i am trying to date now and it's not going well

and i really want to get out LA For like a week i want to go to twin peaks washington

that's my new thing now

[mercurialcreature]

i imagine death so much it feels more like a memory

[mercurialcreature]

i remember my dreams a lot and i have a lot of recurring dream themes and i am going to list them here for my own benefit.

-earthquakes -being back in heidelberg, germany where i studied abroad for the first time -eating something sticky that pulls my teeth out -my mouth being full of gum that i keep spitting out -parking tickets -being barefoot in a public place and horrified about it -being naked at parties -back in high school but not remembering any of my classes and/or having skipped so many classes i forgot my homework