if i look back, i am lost
#extradirty
Mike Driver
@theartofmadeline
taylor price
Keni
blake kathryn
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Noah Kahan
oozey mess
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Jar Jar Binks Fan Club
Color Me Curious
The Bowery Presents
YOU ARE THE REASON
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almost home
đ©” avery cochrane đ©”
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cherry valley forever
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@meredoof-blog
its-dyl:
Not nearly as silly as you, though, if I remember correctly. Lifeâs been treating me pretty damn well! What about yourself, Merebear?
Iâm so glad to hear that! My life is pretty good as well. Iâm living with David, itâs been really nice. Though Iâm so happy to see all of you again. Iâve missed you guys.
jailynphotography:
THANK YOU! I think so but I am their mom sooooo
Well youâre absolutely right regardless! I wanna eat them up!
jailynphotography:
SOUNDS LIKE A PLAN!
THEYâRE SO ADORABLE!!!
jailynphotography:
WHENEVER!
IT LOOKS LIKE THE JOSEPHâS ARE GOING NOW SO IâLL COME LATER TODAY
jailynphotography:
THEYâRE HERE!
AHHH WHEN CAN I COME AND HOLD THEM?
its-dyl:
Thought a drive down the coast would be nice. Turns out itâs only nice for a total of ten minutes and then youâre sick and tired of it. BUT YES! My go-to duet partner, Iâve missed ya!
You are so silly! Howâs life treating you, Dylbear?
its-dyl:
Sometimes you opt out of a plane ticket and decide to drive from San Francisco to Los Angeles. And then you realize what a shitty decision that is. Whatâve I missed, guys!?
What on earth made you decide to do that? I mean, I only got here last week but still. Also HELLO I LOVE YOU AND I MISS YOU.
jailynphotography:
Kids and Mama Beatty land in a few hours!!
YES!!!Â
Been A While || Meredith & Brian
bd-holden:
Brian noticed Meredith biting her bottom lip, a nervous habit he recognized. âCareful, you might break skin,â he said without thinking. He looked away quickly, realizing that was something he used to tell her often back when they were together. This thought lead him to wonder about what other small habits they used to have would resurface, and if these falling back into old ways would lead to anything more. But did he even want anything to happen? No less than an hour ago, Brian would have said no. But now⊠something was different. He wanted something, but he wasnât quite sure what yet. The real question, though, was whether or not Meredith wanted anything to come about this unexpected meeting. Only time would tell, really. It was a cliche thing to say, but he knew it was true.
Another nodded along as he listened to Meredith. Colorado with her brother. Of course, where else would she have gone? Once she brought up moving back to Chicago, Brian felt his heart pound. He turned his head towards her, eyebrows raised. She couldnât see him, of course, but the surprise was evident. âYou⊠you are? When?â If Meredith was considering moving back to Chicago, then did that mean⊠No. Not the time to think about that now.
The small smile that was on Brianâs face began to fade away as she began talking again. He looked over at her when she stopped walking, his eyebrow raised, wondering what was up. At her question, though, he felt his heart stop for a moment. Was he happy? That⊠wasnât really something Brian had thought of the last few years. He never questioned it, never woke up and decided whether or not he was gonna be happy that day. He just sort of⊠existed. His brows furrowed as he stared in her eyes, as though he were trying to decipher some code. Was he happy. The more he thought about it, no, he wasnât. The only question, then, was whether or not to admit that to her. Brian looked down for a moment and paused, collecting his thoughts together. Letting out a sigh, he looked back up at Meredith, and shook his head. âNo. Iâm really not, Meredith.â
Meredithâs cheeks reddened at hearing one of their old sayings. She refused to comment on it, though; the bubbling in her stomach told her that if she did, she would be opening a whole other door to their past and she didnât think that either of them could deal with that right now, with the already uncertainty of what was even happening here. If that door was opened, there would be a conversation waiting on the other side that she really, really didnât want to have right now. Childish as it was, she ignored his comment.
She nodded at his first question about Chicago, and pressed her lips together at the next one. Honestly, she had wanted to move back to Chicago, back near Brian, the day after she moved in with David, and the thought hadnât completely left her mind even now, even seeing how unsure they were around each other. âIâm not sure, not too soon, but sometime,â she said, trying to keep it ambiguous because she really hadnât a clue. If, in the next week or so that they had left here, something were to happen between them that would start them back on the path that she left him on when she fled, perhaps sheâd move back sooner than expected. On the other hand, however, if something were to happen that brought even more distance and tension between them, maybe she would scratch the idea altogether.
Her eyes stayed on his face as he thought about her question; she could practically hear the cogs whirring in his head. When he answered, her heart stopped beating for a moment, breath catching in her throat at his honesty. His eyes were locked on hers. Meredith reached out and took one of his hands without a second of hesitation. âIs there anything I can do?â she asked, a crease forming between her eyebrows.
Been A While || Meredith & Brian
bd-holden:
As a small silence enveloped the two of them, Brian noticed Meredith staring at him. He kept his eyes straight ahead, though, becoming acutely aware of the bags forming under his eyes and the stubble from this morning that he hadnât cared to shave. He hadnât slept the night before (not that that was a surprise), but he probably should have put himself together a bit more before meeting up with Meredith. Especially because he was meeting up with Meredith. What was she thinking? Did he look gross? Was she unimpressed? Did she want to back out of this outing and go back to her room? Calm. Down. Brian let out a breath he didnât realize he was holding, and turned back to Meredith with a smile on his face.
The pure joy coming from her as she began to talk about what sheâd been up to made Brianâs smile more genuine. She was happy. At least she was happy. That was all he really wanted for her. âIâm glad to hear youâre doing so well, Mere. So, where are you now? I mean, I know youâre here in LA, but⊠you know⊠after Chicago.â Brian mentally slapped himself. He never rambled. Why was he rambling now? The answer was obvious, but he ignored it. He didnât want to think about the fact that Mere still had the ability to leave him a bumbling idiot.
Walking out of the elevator and into the lobby, Brian shrugged at her question. âAh, you know. I mean, it keeps me content,â he started. âI hadnât really noticed that I was moving around in this rut for two years until I got the letter.â He paused, realizing that he wasnât exactly presenting the greatest image of himself since the last time she saw him. âBut I really do like it! I have a lot of students that are funny as hell. I get to mainstage sometimes, so thatâs cool. Iâve just been⊠sort of going with the motions, I guess.â He internally cringed at what heâd just admitted to Meredith. Could you have sounded more pathetic?
Meredith took her bottom lip between her teeth, heart jolting at his mention of when theyâd last seen each other. It was clear now that Brian was just as nervous as her about this catch up - there was no other reason why heâd be stumbling over his words so much when he was usually quite sure of himself. The only other times she could recall when heâd acted like this was on their first couple of dates and when they... were in the middle of their break up. But this felt slightly different. She wondered if other things that she didnât yet know about had happened since they were together that had changed him, or if it was as simple as not seeing his ex for two years and being unsure about where they stand. It wasnât like she knew either.
âI live in Colorado, with David. We move around the state a bit,â she told him, keeping her eyes straight ahead as they walked as to not make him even more awkward by staring at him. âWe moved there soon after... I left... Chicago.â Way to go, Meredith, just hop on the blabbering awkward bandwagon why donât you? âI, um, I kind of, have been thinking about moving back, actually. I mean, I need to leave some stuff in Colorado behind and I really miss living in Chicago and I miss... yeah.â She dropped her head, curls falling onto her cheeks, hiding her from Brianâs view. Great. Just fabulous. Why couldnât she have just kept her mouth shut?
She nodded to show she was listening. âThat sounds great, Bri, really. Iâm glad that youâre enjoying it. It doesnât really matter if you havenât done anything new like some of the others. I donât care what you do. I mean, I donât mind. I mean, not that that matters, just as long as youâre happy...â She paused to take a breath and clear her head and stop babbling. She stopped walking as they reached the main doors, and turned to face him. âAre you happy?â
Been A While || Meredith & Brian
bd-holden:
There was a small flutter in Brianâs chest as Meredith smiled at him, and he couldnât exactly place why⊠or at least, he didnât want to. Not yet. Itâd been so long, and the last thing he wanted to do was jump into anything too fast. For a moment, he wondered how she felt about all this. She seemed to be fine and dandy and as bubbly as ever. Like nothing had changed. And here he was, running through the same ten thousand thoughts while lying in bed for the past few days.Â
Brian hadnât meant to lock himself up in his room for most of their stay here, he really hadnât. Not much sleep plus never-ending thinking didnât exactly make for good company. But when Meredith had offered to spend some time with him, how could he have said no? And suddenly, Brian was transported back to 2011 when he was just realizing his feelings for Meredith for the first time. The two of them together, here and now, seven years later, felt oddly familiar. That thought didnât bode well with him, though, so he decided to push that aside until later. Perhaps tonight when heâd have another restless night, as alwaysâŠ
Mentally shaking himself, he brought himself back to earth. He couldnât help but smile at Meredithâs excitement. Heâd missed that. âSame here,â he said. âItâs been a while since Iâve done anything fun like this.â As he followed her into the elevator, Brian looked down, slightly embarrassed. Heâd never admit it, but after hearing all the things his friends have been up to since the split, Brian felt inadequate, as though he hadnât done anything significant enough. âWell, after working at Adler, I took up one of the sketch and improv coaching jobs over at Second City. Itâs fun. Pays the bills and all that. What about you? Whatâve you been up to sinceâŠâ he trailed off awkwardly, not quite knowing why heâd even bring that up. Nice, Holden. Way to start off on a good note.
As she watched him off in his own thoughts for a few moments, Meredith momentarily wished she could mind-read. She couldnât decipher if he was feeling as nervous as she felt and was just as good at hiding it, or if he didnât feel much of anything being around her again. He looked tired, and she almost wanted to ask what heâd really been doing alone in his room the past few days since she arrived. Sheâd seen Jaime, Julia, Joey around, but not Brian, and if she was being honest, Brian was probably the person she wanted to see most of all out of the group. For as much as she loved her friends, she never could find a way to completely fill the hole in her heart that sheâd put there when she left him. Yeah, sheâd tried - oh, how she tried - but no feeling given to her by anyone else had come close to the home sheâd created with Brian.
And once again, Meredith caught herself dwelling on what was nothing but history between them. Scolding herself internally, she turned her attention to what he was saying, answering her question. She noticed again that he didnât seem very enthusiastic at all, even on the words âitâs funâ. Perhaps sheâd ask him about it later. At his next sentence, Brianâs awkwardness was obvious, and, well, fair enough. She jumped in quickly, trying to diffuse any tension that was beginning to form between them, said, âWell, Iâve actually been really working on my stand-up.â She nodded, her smile growing as it tended to whenever she mentioned her job. âYeah, a while ago I spent some time just writing and writing until something good came onto the page, and then it kinda snowballed and I booked a few places where they were actually willing to pay me, which was amazing.â
The elevator beeped when they arrived at the bottom floor and the doors open. They walked out, Meredith glancing over and smiling at him as she continued talking. âSo Iâve been basically doing that and not much else, but I donât mind at all because I really do love it. I missed it.â Unsure what else to say and not wanting him to pry too much into her life, she decided that it was later enough to ask. âSo is that all your job is to you now? For paying the bills?â
Been A While || Meredith & Brian
bd-holden:
Brian checked his watch once again as he waited for Meredith to arrive, and the time still had not changed. You need to calm the fuck down, he told himself. Heâd say he wasnât nervous, but that would be a bold-faced lie. They had a lot of history after all, him and Mere. The question now, though, was did he still have feelings for her? That had been the ongoing thought in his mind since he realized heâd be seeing her again. And as of right now, Brian was sure he had no romantic feelings towards Meredith any longer. However, there was still a sense of unfinished business between them, like there was still something that needed to happen. So they could get closure.
Closure. Right. That was the word heâd kept close to him for years. Closure from the end of his first company. Closure from losing his friends. Closure from himself and Meredith⊠Yes, closure was certainly a word that had been close to Brian for the past few years now. Maybe this whole vacation (was being blackmailed into going really considered a vacation, though?) was meant for that. Being here meant that heâd finally get the closure he needed to finally move on with his life. God, he hoped thatâs what would happen.
As he heard one of the hotel room doors open, Brian looked up. He saw Meredith walking towards him, and he felt his heart start beating a little faster. Just nerves, he reminded himself, just nerves. A small smile fell on his face as he heard the ever-familiar nickname. He really appreciated the fact that the old nickname seemed to have stuck with his friends. âHey yourself, Mere,â he said. âReady to go?â
Meredith returned his gentle smile, trying desperately to ignore the thumping of her heart as he said her name. âAbsolutely,â she replied, âIâm super excited for this!â She wondered briefly how he would react if she called him one of the more intimate nicknames theyâd given to each other when they were together, but quickly pushed that thought from her head. Just friends, she repeated to herself in her mind, continued to repeat it until sheâd start believing it. And as she pressed the elevator button and glanced at Brian, she realised that would take forever.
They both stepped into the elevator when it arrived at their floor, and Meredith made sure to stand a decent, friendly distance away from Brian. She needed to keep him at arms length, both emotionally and physically, for fear of reverting back to their old, affectionate ways which would, she had no doubt, come very easily to her if she gave it the opportunity. âSo, where are you working now?â she asked, turning to look at him. She hadnât thought to ask about his job when they talked online earlier, and realised that they probably had a whole lot more to catch up on than she thought.
bd-holden:
Well. At least Iâm still Bri.
Youâre always going to be still Bri, even when you look as old and ugly as you are and have a pudgy belly and an outdated sense of humor.
bd-holden:
UGH, youâre killing me, Mere! But yes, that sounds better than maybe or possibly.
Probably is like almost defintely! Stop complaining and just accept your fate, Bri.
bd-holden:
I dunno, kinda sounds like a step down from maybe. Your swooning skills seem to be fading, Stepien!
No, no okay how about probably? Thatâs definitely better.
bd-holden:
Come on, Mere, I think I deserve at least more than a maybe.
How about possibly?
bd-holden:
Really? Only maybe?
Hey, donât get too cocky!
