Life is a Musical

Call me Merk || ♀ || ✨ Christian ✞ ✨ (Nondenominational) || INTJ/P 5w4 || Mid Twenties || Artist || Writer || STEM Major 🧪 || ADHD || Chronically dizzy medical enigma || Ocean lover || Pro-life || Art Insta: @mer.ker.ler || Youtube: @Merkerlerspeaks ▪︎☆▪︎ Other Blogs: • @merkerlers-fairytales (writing blog) • @merkerler (art blog) • @childrenofearthandtime (Webcomic blog) • @the-botanist-and-the-alchemist (TTS OC blog) • @tmnt-eraofrebellion (TMNT AU) 💫 --- You will see everything from my other blogs on here as well, those are just so everything can be compiled together in a designated spot

[piss-stained-jorts]

BABYGIRL YOUR SMILE GIV ES ME LIFE I LOVE YOU

[longseasons]

Hey, hey, breathe... Look at me.... This is all your fault, okay?

[merkerlerspeaks]

Welcome week really do be trying to murder me frfr

[billiuspendragon]

Okay, fine, I'll say it. I'll speak my mind. Meow meow meow meow meow.

[merkerlerspeaks]

Oh of course now that my anxiety is mostly dissipated for the day, theres a severe weather warning meanwhile I have to leave for required events in an hour. And it extends through the week. So does welcome week too. Kinda in the name.

Lord be with me, please dont let it flood or be to bad to drive in 🙏🙏

[merkerlerspeaks]

I am such an anxious person, I get like, pre-anxious about The Unknown when there's no evidence that anything is going to go wrong. I was being charged for a room and meal plan as a first time freshman for my university, which went against my plans, would have resulted in loans I otherwise wouldn't have needed, and I was worried about being able to stay in the program at all if this didnt get resolved by the 14th.

And I completed the documentation necessary to be a commuter. I got approved for it. Which takes those charges off my chart. But I hadn't checked it till this morning to see with my own eyes the numbers having been taken off and I didnt get a new invoice so the little voice in my head kept saying.

"Theres only 4 days left Merk, what if its not off yet, what if they're still charging you that and try to screw you over, the time is almost up, you'll have gotten so excited and then had the rug pulled out from under you and you'll just look like a dumb little loser failure if that happens wont you Merk."

And that got LOUDER while ACTIVELY loading the page to see. It makes me nauseous and makes these things harder to do and check because the closer I get to a concrete answer that I feel I can trust, the anxiety gets about 2x worse than before. Like I was straight up shaking. For NO real reason. Having to do breathing exercises. I said a prayer which helped significantly but didn't fully take away that nausea. And I want to emphasize that I am so, so very aware of the logistics and that it was gonna be okay regardless.

Anyway they got my charges fixed and Im good to go. The Lord is good even when I am screaming crying throwing up. I say "Lord please I beg you let it be fixed" and he looks at me blubbering on the floor saying "It is literally so okay I ALREADY fixed it look see" and then I go "Oh! You fixed it." "Yes I fixed it" and then the nausea vanished 💃

[merkerlerspeaks]

This is the kind of thing I mean too when I say I can know something logically but the emotions won't line up. I was already given a quote for what I would owe, already approved, I have a cousin in financial aid, I knew, logically, that this was an easily fixed non-issue. But until I saw the concrete evidence I was going a little insane.

[merkerlerspeaks]

Sometimes I wish I took after my mom a little more in certain aspects, I swear that woman has nerves of steel. Not to diss my dad, I love my dad, but I got his anxiety and coping mechanisms for it. Which is. Ya know. Screaming crying throwing up and Avoid if I Can.

However unlike my fathers typical patterns I did get my moms "Do it anyway, if it needs done, do it anyway" even if I do also have avoidance and procrastination....I DO do it... I just have to work up the nerve.

And in a life or death situation my dad can also push through. I fully trust him for that. I've got that too.

But my mom has never dealt with like. Pathological, chronic anxiety disorders and I gotta admit, I envy that a little bit. For all her faults, when Im at my worst crumbly little anxious bits, she's able to pull me out of that. I guess it helps that I am also able to trust her.

She'll also push me an uncomfortable amount for Exposure Therapy and to my dismay it mostly works 🤣

[merkerlerspeaks]

I am such an anxious person, I get like, pre-anxious about The Unknown when there's no evidence that anything is going to go wrong. I was being charged for a room and meal plan as a first time freshman for my university, which went against my plans, would have resulted in loans I otherwise wouldn't have needed, and I was worried about being able to stay in the program at all if this didnt get resolved by the 14th.

And I completed the documentation necessary to be a commuter. I got approved for it. Which takes those charges off my chart. But I hadn't checked it till this morning to see with my own eyes the numbers having been taken off and I didnt get a new invoice so the little voice in my head kept saying.

"Theres only 4 days left Merk, what if its not off yet, what if they're still charging you that and try to screw you over, the time is almost up, you'll have gotten so excited and then had the rug pulled out from under you and you'll just look like a dumb little loser failure if that happens wont you Merk."

And that got LOUDER while ACTIVELY loading the page to see. It makes me nauseous and makes these things harder to do and check because the closer I get to a concrete answer that I feel I can trust, the anxiety gets about 2x worse than before. Like I was straight up shaking. For NO real reason. Having to do breathing exercises. I said a prayer which helped significantly but didn't fully take away that nausea. And I want to emphasize that I am so, so very aware of the logistics and that it was gonna be okay regardless.

Anyway they got my charges fixed and Im good to go. The Lord is good even when I am screaming crying throwing up. I say "Lord please I beg you let it be fixed" and he looks at me blubbering on the floor saying "It is literally so okay I ALREADY fixed it look see" and then I go "Oh! You fixed it." "Yes I fixed it" and then the nausea vanished 💃

[plaguedocboi]

He means a little squeeze bottle with brine shrimp inside but… bottle feeding the loblings…

[ittybittyisopod]

I'm sorry this was too good of a mental image I had to draw it

[capesch-arts]

Light skin Asians for Dummies

(/pos /isaythislovingly)

I say this as a WASIAN who is light skinned. Some of y'all get your references from anime and Genshin Impact

[deadbaguette]

LOUDEERRRRR FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACKKKKK📣 📣 📣 📣 📣

the day people stop giving east asian and SEA people rosy pink ass undertones is the day I can sleep peacefully

[eesirachs]

nobody in the club right now knows i blog about god on tumblr

[anistarrose]

make that blorbo disabled. hit them with the disability beam. especially if they obviously were or should have been disabled in canon but canon didn't meaningfully dwell on it

[merkerlerspeaks]

I was recently gifted a crystal wine glass and oh boy is it delightful. She sings!

[merkerlerspeaks]

Im expiriencing an issue where the cup itself is so thin that it just seems so....crunchable.....i wanna eat it....

[anointedfungalclown]

Can I cronch it too

[merkerlerspeaks]

Unfortunately I had the audacity to leave it in the kitchen and someone moved it somewhere stupid and the floor cronched it instead

[merkerlerspeaks]

Hmmm mkay yeah Im gonna need instagram to show people my art that will actually interact with it. The little number going up makes dopamine go brrrrr

[anointedfungalclown]

Don't do it girl. The random d!ck pics being flung at you are not worth it 😭

[merkerlerspeaks]

Nah I dont check message requests. Cant get it to me if I never open up messages ✌️🤣

[merkerlerspeaks]

How is The Illness?

Oh, its better than it was. My throat doesn't hurt anymore and I was using some home remedies before I actually even got sick and loaded up on vitamin C. So its passing by a bit faster I think than it would have otherwise. I've been fever free and my symptoms have improved so I dont think Im really contagious/super contagious anymore.

[merkerlerspeaks]

I just saw a post that reminded me of this but imagine being the young man who, when I was 16, a vahemently sex repulsed girl, made a rape joke about me. To my face. Then laughed and apologized as if he had said something awkward. And said he would never.

I don't think I ever mentioned anything to the teacher or my mom at the time however, any hope I had for this boy (it was highschool) being my friend were gone immediately and I to this day do not trust him as a person. I can't remember the full extent of what he said, but I remember it was a rape joke, that he made in a room full of like 10 other boys and I was the only girl, an IT class where they played games and constantly screamed "WE'RE GETTING RAPED" when they were losing and the teacher wasn't present, and I was incredibly uncomfortable about that.

[rubysapphrald]

i feel so defensive and protective of people with ARFID like if i had a disorder that made my brain register 90% of food as poison for no reason and i had a bazillion people on the internet constantly calling me a manchild who needs to just grow up and stop being a picky eater i would start killing people

[rubysapphrald]

people with ARFID and people with very few autism safe foods and people with contamination OCD and people in ED recovery and everyone else with a complicated relationship with food that no one takes seriously GET BEHIND ME!!!!!!!