⁽ ˡʸʳᶤᵘᵐ ᵍʰᵒᶳᵗ ⁾ autoplay.

[merktir]

okay so, i remade.

[merktir]

; o ; /

[merktir]

i’ve made a final decision.

i am not returning.

i’m so sincerely sorry darlings, but truly, this place was not good for me. i’ve invested a lot of love in fenris and dragon age lore, and i found my motivation & self worth slipping through my fingers the longer i remained on this account. my time here was simultaneously wonderful and more hurtful than anywhere else. i’ve loved this muse a lot and i still do, but the atmosphere felt so.. cold.

if you wish to find me anywhere else than this account, here’s some options: my caesar rp blog | my giorno rp blog | personal. my skype is suwitodevil— if we’re mutuals, feel free to add me ( do specify who you are though ! ). 

i’m truly sorry, but i’m sure you all saw this coming. i hope you all enjoy this community more than i did, i’ll miss you xx

[merktir]

so hey pals. it’s been four-five days since i decided to keep fenris in the shadows instead of the front and it’s becoming painstakingly clear how much of a  bad place this account puts me in. i admit, i was a bit crude, and maybe a little too hopeful about the future of this account— but the moment i left, i invested more in my other interests where the people didn’t have such a major effect on me. and i feel… so much better in terms of community communication, as well as pressure and the atmosphere of my current main account being more inviting and pleasing. 

again, i haven’t lost muse for fenris nor do i no longer enjoy the threads i have, but i feel so.. minimal. unappreciated. and even if it just is my mental illness, the fact that my time away made me feel better says more than a thousand words. maybe it IS better for me to leave. i’m not making a definitive decision yet, and i never delete accounts so don’t worry about me being gone. but i do want to suggest you all to look me up in other places if you really want to stay my friend/roleplay with me etc.

 (  my caesar zeppeli account, which has a dragon age verse but i have yet to write up | my personal account. ) 

thank you for reading. i love you all xxx

[merktir]

oh, and also !! my skype is suwitodevil, so if you wish to talk to me & we are mutuals, feel free to add me.

[merktir]

so hey pals. it’s been four-five days since i decided to keep fenris in the shadows instead of the front and it’s becoming painstakingly clear how much of a  bad place this account puts me in. i admit, i was a bit crude, and maybe a little too hopeful about the future of this account--- but the moment i left, i invested more in my other interests where the people didn’t have such a major effect on me. and i feel... so much better in terms of community communication, as well as pressure and the atmosphere of my current main account being more inviting and pleasing. 

again, i haven’t lost muse for fenris nor do i no longer enjoy the threads i have, but i feel so.. minimal. unappreciated. and even if it just is my mental illness, the fact that my time away made me feel better says more than a thousand words. maybe it IS better for me to leave. i’m not making a definitive decision yet, and i never delete accounts so don’t worry about me being gone. but i do want to suggest you all to look me up in other places if you really want to stay my friend/roleplay with me etc.

 (  my caesar zeppeli account, which has a dragon age verse but i have yet to write up | my personal account. ) 

thank you for reading. i love you all xxx

[merktir]

 OFFICIAL (SEMI) HIATUS ANNOUNCEMENT.  

in short: i love fenris, but my own mental illness and the way this community works is taking its toll on me and i can’t have another breakdown because of this community or it’d be the  last straw until i actually end up dead. i’ll occasionally check on fenris and maybe do some replies, but i hurt too much whenever i’m on here  and until i can find some way to make it stop.. i’ll be scarce.

you can still find me on shvbon and nidurgvd.

longer explanation: 

Keep reading

[merktir]

 OFFICIAL (SEMI) HIATUS ANNOUNCEMENT.  

in short: i love fenris, but my own mental illness and the way this community works is taking its toll on me and i can’t have another breakdown because of this community or it’d be the  last straw until i actually end up dead. i’ll occasionally check on fenris and maybe do some replies, but i hurt too much whenever i’m on here  and until i can find some way to make it stop.. i’ll be scarce.

you can still find me on shvbon and nidurgvd.

longer explanation: 

ugh. i don’t know how to describe my experiences, but they have been self-harm inducing worthy. so many people have left me, so many people have hurt me. i love fenris to pieces and for the past 6-7 months i have been working on him more  thoroughly than any muse before doing continuous research to enrich him as a character.. but i feel so unappreciated. SO MANY people ignore my rules, or decide my rules are not convenient enough for them to listen to. so many people ask me if it’s okay if they disobey them and because i despise people drifting off or replacing me because of my rules which THEY should listen to. i consistently sacrifice myself for others, i consistently try to make peace with those who use their arrogance to hurt me and i’ve had enough. 

for these past months i have endured more misery than ever before in my 4 years  of roleplaying. 

i have become suicidal more times because of this account than i can count, and doing stuff here seems more of a chore than fun anymore. it’s a pity, but i want to be HAPPY. and as long as i reside with a community that wields a horrible elitist way of thinking, a community that made me feel as if i didn’t deserve to be alive i WILL end up dead. it’s a matter of fact. i had a break of three days and had been doing better mentally. 

three. 

days.

and i felt better. 

it’s not that i’m losing my muse. nor that my passion for writing has disappeared. it’s literally the notion that i am lesser. that i do not deserve recognition. it’s the idea that my portrayal is one nobody cares for or can be dismissed. friends have left me because of this--- dear friends and newly befriended peoples. friends have downright told me i wasn’t worth their time. i have lost more than i have gained by being in darp, and it aches deep within my chest that i have to make this post, but it truly is for the better. 

i’m sorry for everything and everyone i have done wrong in the past months. i’m sorry for being a disappointment. i’m sorry. i’m just. i’m sorry.

[shvbon-blog1]

                  ❝             —-   it’s the human spirit!       ❞

[merktir]

.

[merktir]

“you still remember how to kill, right?”

( sentence starters. )

  Why wouldn’t he? Crimson had coloured the edge of his blade more often than a single person could count, many battles passing with his own intentions aligned to that of those who wished for liberation, as well as witnessing centuries pass, races die out and the elements shift. Lyrium dissipated, red lyrium was cured as the mineral became so rare the taint could not  r e a c h  it, and it still had wrapped itself around him underneath dark skin; following the curves of limbs and fingers and lighting him up as if he were carrying the stars within his own body ( even as it ached and ached and brought him consequences HAD to suppress or else his mind would wither ). Nobody asked, and he didn’t answer. But for one to straight up jump to the violence in his past once they knew it was somewhat inconvenient. Yes, his skills were still as sharp. But no, his previous sins still weighed down his heart, and if he were to slay another innocent he might just allow his own grip to ROT. 

   “Yes.” A brief answer it was, the little joy that had reflected itself in his eyes dimming, “— if it is necessary, I can use my weapon. Though it isn’t quite clear to why such action is necessary.” 

[merktir]

“yeah, well, i was tryin’ to kill you.”

( sentence starters. )

  “ It seems luck was on my side. ” There was nothing but nonchalance in his tone– the apparent amount of care reflected through his monotone way of speaking. It wasn’t uncommon people attempted to harm or kill me, though usually they cloaked it somewhat. Saying it outright was.. extraordinary, though it did not change the circumstance much. 

  “ —  either that or you are the worst assassin.                          Regardless, it would unwise of you to try again. ”

[belliiigerence-blog]

     more than glad that the other warrior decided to fall back into a defensive stance. smirk forms upon rosy lips, blue hues not breaking eye contact with the elf’s green ones. two lone wolves would rip each other’s throats off given the opportunity and cato will not look away from the other if they were to go by these rules.

     ❝ stamina potions and poison. oh, you would be that kind? ❞ there’s no hint of mockery in his tone, yet his words come out with slight sarcasm laced in between. smirk becomes a small smile, body weight shifting from one leg to another. ❝ can i trust you, elf? for all i know you could shove that sword o’ yours in my rib cage.❞

[merktir]

  Eye contact made Fenris nervous; much akin to looking an animal in the eyes, it brought him discomfort and anger. A trigger he had found, as well it combining with his social disability to comply to such procedures--- he could not look one in the eye for long, and it had cost him scars in the past. Of course, forcing him into servitude and having him train to be resistant to his own discomfort was one of the many skills he had gained during his time leashed by Danarius ( not that he regarded it as a positive trait; he despised it thoroughly ). 

  “I keep my promises.” Whilst it wasn’t a promise, he was not one to ambush or betray one if they appeared genuine--- if the other were to lash out, only then he would draw his weapon to defend and attack. Eyes came to linger, inspecting his current surroundings, and settling back on the other individual. Then, he addressed something which had him quite curious.

   “--- poison, you say?”

[merktir]

“i can’t swim.”

( sentence starters. )

   “That is unfortunate.” Of course, Fenris himself had about the same problem– yes, he could float, but actual swimming? Nobody had taught him proper, Danarius never cared to, and his mother hadn’t been there to do so ( after all, she hadn’t appeared after receiving his markings. before that, he was clueless to her involvement ). 

  “— As it is, I cannot aid you. I apologize.”

[metaphorformetaphor]

I am alone. I know that now. Perhaps I always will be.

Susan Sontag, from As Consciousness is Harnessed to Flesh: Journals and Notebooks, 1964-1980 (Penguin, 2012)

[lazarusarchived-deactivated2017]

“the last of us” inspired sentence starters

change pronouns/ect if necessary

“i sell hardcore drugs.”

“we need help.”

“you’re gonna be okay.”

“believe in the fireflies.”

“got enough ration cards to last us a few months.”

“be careful.”

“i am the romantic type.”

“don’t leave me to turn.”

“it’s gettin’ close to curfew.”

“going outside the wall is suicide.”

“you mumble in your sleep.”

“i hate bad dreams.”

“it’s called luck—and it’s gonna run out.”

“are you still breathing?”

“we’re shitty people.”

“our luck had to run out sooner or later.”

“don’t touch me.”

“she’s infected.”

“just fucking go.”

“i can’t swim.”

“does it sound like i know how to whistle?”

“i’m a pretty good shot with that thing.”

“let’s get the hell outta here.”

“goddammit—i’m clean!”

“i owe you nothin’.”

“there’s one inside.”

“it’s the normal people that scare me.”

“you of all people should understand that.”

“i can handle myself.”

“once upon a time, i had somebody i had to look after.”

“you don’t need to worry about me.”

“fuckin’ hunters.”

“i’ve been on both sides.”

“so–you kill a lot of innocent people?”

“you sacrifice the few to save the many.”

“i don’t think they saw us.”

“trust me, it ain’t easy.”

“damn it—spores.”

“somethin’ on your mind?”

“you make every shot count.”

“just so we’re clear… it was either him or me.”

“how’d i do?”

“yeah, well, i was tryin’ to kill you.”

“you’re bleeding.”

“we can help each other.”

“i saved you!”

“you wanna hear a joke about pizza? …never mind, it was too cheesy.”

“how is it you’re never scared?”

“what are you scared of?”

“i’m scared of ending up alone.”

“it’s all your fault!”

“thanks for not blowin’ my head off.”

“you survived because of me.”

“you lay your hands on me again, it won’t end well for you.”

“you still remember how to kill, right?”

“hey, hey—are you hurt?”

“i guess we’re both disappointed with each other, then.”

“what do you want from me?”

“i can’t get infected!”

“you are treading on some mighty thin ice here.”

“i’ve lost people, too.”

“you have no idea what loss is.”

“everyone i’ve ever cared for has either died or left me.”

“sounds like runners.”

“can you walk?”

“stay the fuck back!”

“i think we’re safe.”

“you’re a better shot with that thing than i am.”

“don’t sound so disappointed.”

“you handled yourself pretty nice back there.”

“i believe that everything happens for a reason.”

“you’re just a kid.”

“i can protect you.”

“i’ll come back for you.”

“you’re a fucking animal.”

“you have no idea what i’m capable of.”

“i’m gonna teach you how to play guitar.”

“another city, another abandoned quarantine zone.”

“is this everything you were hoping for?”

“we don’t have to do this.”

“i ain’t leavin’ without you.”

“i guess you can’t escape your past.”

“hands in the fucking air!”

“i pretty much lost everything.”

“no matter what, you keep finding something to fight for.”

[merktir]

sorry  for not being on yesterday, i got severely harassed because i dared mention tscum in my personal post, under a readmore, and an adult kept purposefully trying to make me lash out. after which of course, i got shit, and i woke up this morning to a few fuckers telling me to ‘calm down’ as if i was the bad guy... lol