"I always thought you were the bravest man I ever met. I guess I was wrong."
If I’m honest, the first time I watched this scene I hated it. It seemed like the stupidest thing Arthur could possibly say to Merlin. So childish. Surely a full grown man could come up with something more mature to say?
And then I realized that this was the only thing Arthur could say to Merlin to portray all his emotion. Arthur is in a deep conflict between his need to be a strong king who does not depend on anyone, and his need for Merlin. Merlin has never abandoned Arthur before, I mean - for christ’s sake they’re hand in hand, they go everywhere together - life threatening adventures, Arthur’s dates with his wife, the tavern (!) - the two are inseparable. Arthur never has to say I need you here with me because Merlin is always here. Arthur cannot live without him, and he knows it. He knows it far too well than he is comfortable with. That’s why he constantly tells Merlin that he’s useless and stupid rather than show how much he really appreciates him.
And now, as Arthur goes to his death, his almost certain death, there is only one thing that he is sure of: that Merlin will be beside him. Merlin and the knights. He doesn’t even expect his wife, the apparent love of his life, to go, to be by his side, only Merlin and his brothers in arms.
Except Merlin isn’t coming. Arthur might as well have lost the use of his legs. Merlin is his crutch, the one person who will hold him and stand beside him no matter what, the only one who really knows him, the only one who he really trusts, the only person Arthur really wants to stand beside if he’s going to die. Arthur needs him, wants him, must have him but he can’t say it, he’s not allowed to: he’s a king, a king preparing to go to battle for his Camelot, and he’s not allowed to depend on anyone - especially not a manservant. It would be against everything Arthur believes about freedom to force Merlin to come with him.
But even that is beside the point - everyone knows Merlin would not abandon his Arthur for anything and so there must be something else going on (just as Gwen says to Gaius later on). Whatever it is Merlin must do, it is more important than Arthur for the first time in their life together,and this cuts Arthur so deep that suddenly everything starts pouring out. At the prospect of never seeing his Merlin again, Arthur suddenly needs to tell him just how much he means. He needs to say: I need you. If anything he wants to scream it from the top of his lungs: BUT I NEED YOU! But he can’t say that. King. Independent. Strong. So just how can he convey so much love in so few words?
There are four things Arthur has built his kingdom upon, four things he values the most: valiance, loyalty, honor, honesty. It is needless to say that there is nobody more loyal than Merlin; and there is absolutely nobody Arthur trusts more than his useless manservant. And no matter how he hides it, Arthur respects him more than anyone else. Who could Arthur possibly respect more highly than Merlin? Who could there be who has more honor than the manservant who goes well beyond his line of work for the love of Camelot? Risks his life over and over again when he should just be cleaning boots and making beds? No, to tell Merlin he has honor, or loyalty, or is an honest man is pointless. Merlin already knows. But there is one thing that Merlin might not know, that Arthur tells him he lacks constantly: bravery, valor, courage. Courage is the mark of Camelot’s knights, something that stands tall in the heart of Arthur’s kingdom. To tell Merlin that he’s brave would mean Merlin embodies everything Arthur believes in most deeply in all his heart. Merlin would embody the spirit of Camelot itself. And Arthur tells Merlin he is the bravest of them all. He can’t let him go without revealing, in sure words, staring him in the eye, how much Merlin means to him. Arthur gives him the highest of praise, opens his heart just for a moment, before it breaks to pieces. Arthur’s heart breaks and because of that, his next words can’t help but be I guess I was wrong. This is Arthur’s only way of telling Merlin how much this is killing him. How much it hurts. He can’t be weak so he must be offensive.
Arthur was only so cruel because it crushed him that Merlin was not going with him. It was confusion and pain, disorientation and disbelief. He can’t even look Merlin in the eyes as he says it. Why? Because he’s only saying it out of spite, out of hurt, and they both know it. And there Merlin stands, not taking his sight off Arthur, praying at him with his eyes, hating himself for doing this to his king no matter how necessary it is.
However, possibly the most painful thing in the whole of this episode is that Merlin’s absence can be heard in all of Arthur’s words. Every thought became a doubt and every conviction becomes empty because the real hero of Arthur’s life is not beside him. It is actually scary how limp and lifeless Arthur becomes.
But the beautiful thing is that they both redeem themselves later on. This time Merlin says the words that reveal his heart. The first thing Merlin does after regaining his magic and testing it by making a butterfly (which especially echoes the tavern scene where Merlin held the dice in his hands in the same way) is to telepathically connect to Arthur and say: Arthur I am sorry I had to leave you, I didn’t want to. I hope one day you’ll understand why. Your plan is a good one and you may yet save this kingdom….
Ever since Merlin left Arthur’s chambers, those words have been desperately hanging on his lips - the only thing he wants to say to him. He soothes the doubts that Arthur has been having, doubts not even Gwen could soothe. After Merlin has finished Arthur practically throws his wife off himself in his haste and does exactly what Merlin has told him to without a hesitation or a doubt. He says: “It didn’t feel like a dream. It felt….” Real. Merlin’s warning was real. That Arthur knows in his heart. Can feel it in his gut - instinct. Suddenly, he knows Merlin did not abandon him. He always knew, but now he has proof. He doesn’t even care how Merlin gave him the message - there is no real rational explanation other than magic, but so deep is his trust and love and faith in Merlin that he just gets up and goes. Merlin gives him the courage and conviction to get out of bed and go fight an unexpected battle. It is the first time we see Arthur alive again, the first time we see him with hope. And it is with pride unbounded that Merlin watches Arthur make his speech to the knights through the crystal, because although they are apart, they are always together, two halves of a whole, believing in one another and making each other strong.
Alexander Vlahos was right - this is a love story between Merlin and Arthur; because if this cannot be called love, nothing can. And I’m done.
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