This scene in 5x06 of the office says a lot not only about Angela and Rainnâs mind-blowing acting skills, but also about dwangela relationship dynamic!
1st pic is Angela looking at Dwight while heâs talking about the services provided on his farm, itâs clearly a look of admiration. And this is her love for him: all about being proud of him, simply admiring what he does and who he is.
2nd pic is Dwight looking at Angela after Andy said that Dwight was going to make them «so happy». This is how you look at someone when you actually want them to be happy more than anything and when you care for them a great deal. His love at its best is in the way he worries about her, protects her and is always there for her when she needs him.
okay i guess i was so invested in dwight/angela relationship, i COMPLETELY missed angela being attracted to roy in the early seasons of the office... so i was confused when i saw the amount of angela/roy fanfictions out there and then i found out about this running bit thanks to the office ladies podcast
tho i think iâll still choose to ignore it since dwangela is a superiour couple and i donât even wanna think about these two liking someone else
I can not stop thinking about how Angela literally barely smiled for almost 9 seasons and on those rare occasions she did - she smiled mostly because of things connected to Dwight like when she saw his reaction to her st. valentines gift, when she was walking away from him after he kissed her on the cheek in the gambling hall or when he finally got his black belt and got promoted to the branch manager (and these are just a few examples).
Then in the finale of season 9, a year after Dwight proposed, she could not stop smiling for the whole episode! People would say she was out of character, but thatâs not true, sheâs just finally allowed herself to be happy with someone she actually loves.
+ this deleted scene from the finale explains a lot
Just a short fic about one particular friendship that overcomes the struggles of addiction created with help of my humble imagination and inspired by Trixie & Katya. Enjoy! xx
Trixieâs life has been pretty much the same for the past few months. He would go on tour, do shows, perform his music on stage, make instagram posts and tweet from time to time, receiving nothing but waves of admiration and love from the fans. His life has been the same, except for one piece missing. It felt like he had one piece of a puzzle gone and itâs absence spoiled the ability to fully enjoy the process since he wasnât able to see the whole picture anymore. That would cause him to forget words to his own songs, cry in almost every dressing room in every city on the tour, constantly make spelling mistakes or leave out words on social media. The craving was slowly ruining him from the inside, sucking out his energy, keeping his mood down and his heart aching. That missing piece was, of course, one particular russian high-class whore - Katya, also known as his madly insane but utterly amazing best friend - Brian McCook. Or as Trixie was quite sure of lately, his former best friend.
No one ever said being close to Katya was a piece of cake, it was, actually, the opposite of that most of the times. The man was unstable, had an addictive personality and an endless amount of terrifying stories from his past he just had to share with Trixie. He could be loud one minute and then suddenly quiet the next one, he hardly ever allowed himself to talk about his real feelings, trying to disguise truth as jokes. But Trixie couldnât help but loved him. They were naturally drawn to each other, sharing the same sense of humor and feeling comfortable while spending time together. Trixie often wondered if Katya could see all the things he loved him for, he was sure though, Katys was aware of all the things he loved him despite of. Their friendship was Trixieâs greatest strength and biggest weakness at the same time. People around them would say they were joined at the hip, and that has been absolutely true for a few years post season 7 of Drag Race. It was almost perfect, till it wasnât anymore.
The first time Trixie learned about Katyaâs multiplĐ” addictions was when the two of them were working together with Pearl and Fame on one of the earliest episodes of RPDR. Trixie saw something small and round falling out of his pocket when he was pulling the jeans on. Katya followed his glance and hurried to pick it up, but Trixie knew for sure what that thing was. Sobriety chip. His motherâs boyfriend had a lot of those.Â
- Alcohol? Drugs? - He wasnât sure if it was appropriate to ask, if the two of them were close enough to share real stuff, but he did anyways.Â
- Both, actually. Itâs been a year and a half. Iâm better now. - Katya smiled at him weakly, shoving the chip back inside.Â
- You know you can talk to me if you feel like it. Anytime, Iâm there for you. - Trixie said in a serious tone. He caught Katyaâs wandering gaze, trying his best to let the older queen know he wasnât kidding, not this time. Katya just grabbed his palm and squeezed it in response. He knew and he appreciated that.
Afterwards they got closer and Trixie spent hours of his life listening to stories about Katyaâs addictive past. He would listen to them over the phone, in a cafe while eating eggs with a salad on the side, while applying his makeup before the gig and in a dark alley filled with cigarette smoke he could barely stand after a gig, also in hotel rooms, on WOW Presents set, on buses and on airplanes. Simply put: he would listen to those stories everywhere. But he never got tired of it. On the contrary, Trixie was completely fascinated. Katya managed to make it all sound amusing, he has always been amazing at turning tragedy into comedy. However, from time to time Trixie looked at Katyaâs face for a little too long and wondered how heâs still alive and breathing. This is what should be called the eighth wonder of the world. At first, right after the both of them just started working together post Drag Race, Trixie would catch himself being worried about Katyaâs well-being and wondering whether he could take all the pressure without breaking down. But it has been a few years and Katya always rose up to every occasion, ready and totally able to entertain. And just as Trixie was about to let it go and finally breath out, everything exploded right in his face.
To be honest, it wasnât that horrible. The older queen has seemed erratic and distant for a couple of weeks. Trixie tried to talk about it but got nothing more than irritated «Iâm fine-fine, stop huffing around me, Tracy!» out of him. One day Katya just didnât show up on the set of their «Trixie & Katya» tv-show and didnât pick up his phone (Trixie called like fifty times, all in vain). On his way to the hotel where Katya was staying, he texted that he was going to come see him. And finally got a reply: «Donât you dare coming over. I quit. I donât want to see you ever again.» Trixie came over anyway, he has never been much of a listener. Katya was gone, checked out of his room a few hours ago. But he left a note on the reception: just a small piece of paper. It said «to Brian F» on one side and «Trixya is over!» on the other side. Well, maybe it was horrible.It definitely hurt like hell. Trixie felt confused, betrayed, disappointed and mad. As soon as he managed to pull himself together, he called Patricia, searching for any reasonable explanation: she told him Brian was using again, she said he came home a total mess, she apologized over and over, promised it was all going to get better after rehab and begged not to call quits on her son. Trixie had no intentions to do so. Katya wasnât the enemy here, his addiction, on the other hand, was.
Since that moment the younger queen stepped back from the situation, put it all on pause. Their relationships, their dreams and his feelings as well. Katya stopped returning his calls for good. Trixie blamed it on addiction. Katya unfollowed him on every social media he could. Trixie blamed it on addiction. Katyaâs first text to him after a long silence was about how much he hated him on the first episode of All Stars 3. Trixie blamed it on addiction. He heard rumors about Katya talking shit about their friendship behind his back. Trixie blamed it on addiction. Never blaming any of it on Katya. He kept shoving his feelings into the farthest, darkest corner of his soul the way Katya shoved that sobriety chip into the pocked of his jeans. Mostly, he could get by days just fine: not to take spelling mistakes, forgotten lyrics on stage and tearing up in dressing rooms into account. But not a single night was spent without missing his best friend, not being able to dial his number and just babble about his life, going on and on about the troubles, feeling âthe weight of existingâ being lifted off his shoulders slowly. He reminded himself constantly that the whole situation was way worse for Katya, that he is the one who should be strong and patient, that all of it (all of them) was going to be back one day. Could he say the last one for sure? Not at all. Making attempts at predicting things that depended on him only partially seemed stupid, but he simply couldnât deny himself that whatsoever fleeting tranquility.
Itâs been more than half of the year and Trixieâs heart started to heal. He knew no one could ever replace Katya, people donât really get so lucky in life as to meet soulmates every few years. Nothing depended on him anyway, it was all about Katya fighting his demons and probably winning. Deep down Trixie knew he was going to be alright as long as his friend got to feel better. Thought it wasnât easy to pretend like it didnât bother him at all that his next show was in Boston, in a theater just an hour away from McCookâs family house. Nothing else mattered as long as he had the chance to put all his worries aside and do what he loved doing the most: dressing up and putting on makeup, creating a full country-Barbie fantasy and singing his own songs from the stage. How lucky he was to only spot two painfully familiar piercing blue eyes staring at him from the audience right before closing the show? Extremely lucky. Trixie didnât trust his vision at first, but the truth was - Katya, out of drag, sitting in the audience, wearing skinny black jeans and a plain grey t-shirt, showing his arms all covered in newly done tattoos. Their eyes met and the younger queen felt himself being on the verge of heart-attack. Katya got up from his place, pointing backstage with a silent question in his eyes. Trixie nodded almost invisibly and rushed from the stage.
Just a couple of minutes after getting into his dressing room, Trixie heard knocking on the door. His heard was racing so fast it could totally fall out of his chest any second now. He turned the knob with a shaking hand, pulled it and there was Katya standing on the other side with a paper bag in his also shaking hand, visibly  sweating and looking extremely uncomfortable.Â
- Can I come in, please? - Katya asked in a low voice. Trixie stepped to the back of the room, letting him in. - I brought you brownies. I figured you would be hungry after the show. - Trixie suppressed a smile. Mixed feelings were tearing him apart from the inside. It wasnât right to be in that much pain and so relieved at the same time. Katya seemed normal, he seemed himself. But this fact didnât erase all those months spent in darkness and total abandonment, without his best friend. He took the bag and thanked the older man. Katya came close to a mirror, looking at the younger queen standing behind him through it. Then there was silence, usually comfortable between the two of them, but this time it seemed unbearable. Trixie couldnât help but wondered if things would ever be the same again, if the damage this falling out caused their friendship was irreversible or not.Â
- I like your tattoos. - Trixie finally spoke up, carefully trying to defuse the situation. He caught Katyaâs eyes in the reflection. The older queen was smiling.
- Thank you, Tracy. - Katya replied softly and turned around, facing Trixie and leaning on the dressing table with his legs crossed. - Iâm glad you let me in here today. I would be even more glad if you agreed to hear me out. Can you grant me some of your time? - Trixie had never even once in his life heard Katya speaking in such way: calmly, steadily and confidently.
- Sure, Iâm all years. - The younger queen nodded. He sat on the little white leather coach in the corner of the room and streached out his lean legs. He was still in drag and his feet were killing him from jumping around the stage in high-heals for the past couple of hours. Katya probably noticed the glimpse of discomfort on his face.
- Oh, Iâm so sorry, I should have let you get out of drag first. So fucking inconsiderate of me. We can meet in the alley behind the theater in 30. Is that okay with you? - He looked genuinely worried and Trixie was secretly relieved to postpone this conversation, even for half an hour. Definitely wasnât going to be an easy one.
- That would be great, thanks. - It came out a little cold. He didnât aspire to sound this way, but it did. Katya retired immediately, leaving Trixie alone with his thoughts.
It exactly 28 minutes Trixie in his boy-clothes went out the back door and found himself in a pretty dark alley. Katya was standing under the only streetlight in sight, looking down intently and tracing lines with his right feet.
- Hey. - Trixie called out and the older guy lifted his head, smiling.
- How are you never late? - He asked, staring at the watch on his hand. Katya was that type of an âold personâ that barely ever had his phone around, but this simple black-strap watch was literally glued to his wrist all the time he was out of drag.
- The same way you are always late! No logical way to explain this. - Katya wheezle-laughed and it hit Trixie how much he missed the sound of that awful, stupid, infectious and painfully familiar laughter.
- Well, I guess you can hear me out now. - Katya said quietly, not a trace of a smile on his face, when the younger queen came closer. Trixie nodded, feeling the heartbeat fastening. Come what may, he thought. - I came to talk to you today because Iâve been told I was ready. To be honest, it doesnât feel like âreadyâ to me. - Katya shook his head and took a deep breath. He was staring at the ground intensively while Trixie was dying to look him in the eyes. - However, I believe I will never feel ready enough for this. Iâm not good at sincere and emotional conversations, you know that better than anyone, Tracy. - Trixie could feel tears coming up, oh, how much he hated being this vulnerable in front of Katya in that moment. - I came to apologize, - the older man finally found a courage to look up and their eyes met, - there are not enough words in the world to express how sorry I am for hurting you, for ruining what weâve had. I understand itâs bold of me to just show up out of the blue and expect you to forgive me instantaneously. - His voice was shaking and Trixie noticed the way he digged his nails into his own hip. - If Iâm being completely honest, I canât even promise you not to go nuts ever again. Most of the times I can control it, but sometimes those voices in my head get too loud and I feel like I donât even know who I am anymore. Though I can ensure you, as long as I am myself, I will always consider you my best friend. So I kind of came here to ask you for something I knew I didnât deserve at the first place. For you to be a part of my life again. - At that point, Trixie was dead-ass ugly crying, his cheeks all wet from tears and his nose running. The older man was crying, too. The way he somehow always managed to look beautiful when he cried happened to be an unsolved mystery. - I canât promise you perfection, I wonât promise that. But I for sure will try my best to be a better person, a better friend to you, if you let me. - Katya reached out and stroked Trixieâs shoulder just once, obviously doubting whether it was a good idea to do so. - Also, nothing drag-related. Iâm aware you canât rely on me career-wise and with a lot of done work and money on stake, thereâs no reason you should trust me again. I wrote it myself: Trixya is over. - He went silent and froze like a convict who has said his final words, waiting for the verdict of the judge. Trixie was overwhelmed with the emotions, struggling to speak back. So instead he grabbed the older manâs arm and pulled him into the embrace. Katya wrapped his both arms around the younger queen lightly, not quite sure about what exactly was going on.
- I donât need perfection, - Trixie finally whispered, - I just need you. - Katya breathed out loudly into his shoulder, feeling relaxed and excited at the same time. - Also, - Trixie pulled back a little so he could see the older guyâs face, still holding his forearms in his hands, - Trixya is not over. We both know, it is never over. - Katya only smiled and nodded, not even trying to figure out anymore how he got so fucking lucky to call the guy in front of him a friend.Â
Trixie could never fully understand Katya. The way Katyaâs brain worked has always been a mystery to her, Trixieâs just seemed to work in some completely different way. Sometimes Trixie felt like she finally grasped the essence of her friend, but the realization would be gone like a flashlight of a passing by car in the darkness of the night. Katya was complicated yet so simple, really loud yet unbearably quiet, touchy yet distant. She was all of it in general but none of it in the moment. Sometimes Trixie struggled to tell Katyaâs mood, no matter how much she tried to learn all of the signs. She was barely ever confident in knowing how Katya felt or what she was actually thinking about, though she had never had a single doubt about their friendship.Â
Trixie would (secretly, of course) go out of her way to make Katya smile, and even better, laugh. She made it look effortlessly, but it took a lot of effort to hide how delighted the sound of Katyaâs laugh made her feel. It almost felt like an addiction: while Katya was hooked on actual drugs, Trixie was riding high on her friendâs happiness. Whether Katya was around it felt safe, because though Katya was unpredictable creature, she was a predictably good and selfless friend. She was giving and giving and never asking for anything back when in need. Good thing Trixie learned to feel it when Katya needed her, it was almost like a sixth sense. Though still she could never say if Katya needed her for real or Trixie herself wanted to be there for her, desperately trying to pay her back for all the moments Katya supported her. Trixie never had a closer friend than Katya. They would not only share beds and kiss on the lips from time to time, but also tell each other their deepest, darkest secrets. Thanks to Katya, Trixie learned how to accept people the way they are, without trying to change them. Thanks to Trixie, Katya learned to love someone the way she never knew she could. She never actually admitted it. But Katya did say Trixie was her favorite person, and Trixie said Katya was her trophy from Drag Race. She hasnât had a chance to talk about it again since that interview, but even after winning All Stars 3 which meant taking home the crown and those $ 100 000, Trixieâs true victory was in meeting Katya.Â
They could never tell why they clicked so well at the first place. They both had their assumptions. Trixie said that she looked crazy and was normal while Katya looked normal but happened to actually be crazy. Katya agreed mostly. She had her own idea though. She thought Trixie might have been her spiritual guide, her soulmate sent on her way by the universe to keep her alive for a little longer. That was a selfish thing to believe in and also a little embarrassing, so she never mentioned it in public. Maybe she told Trixie once or twice, but only when Trixie was hammered and couldnât remember it after all. In the end of the day, they both were just beyond happy about that «click» and reasons never mattered that much anyway.
Katya loved calling Trixie - Tracy, in and out of drag, for Trixie it felt more natural to call Katya by her boy-name, so the minute Katya was out of drag she was Brian, sometimes Trixie would accidentally call her Brian while in drag also. She secretly liked calling Katya by her own name, she liked how her name finally seemed to mean something, like it became more important now when she knew they shared it.
Katya had no idea why Trixie never left her, at least career-wise. She could never be the one to rely on, never the one to trust with something connected to money, never the one who could be predicted easily.  Katya was unstable, while Trixie, on the other hand, was the most stable person sheâs ever met. And her stableness was enough for the both of them. Trixie never minded to share and Katya couldnât be more grateful. Trixie cried the night Katya was all upset and told her she would be better off without her. Because Trixie knew she wouldnât be so clearly, she just needed Katya to know it too. The «Moving parts» scene when she sat in front of the mirror and cried softly while she was putting her makeup on, commenting on the way she felt about Katya and their work together: «The point isnât about whether I can continue with my career without her. It has never been the point. I didnât like being on my own as much as I liked being friends with her. It was never about getting famous enough so that you can survive on your own. It was like I preferred surviving with her». - that one was shot entirely just for Katya to see it, and hopefully, comprehend completely. And Katya did. She never told Trixie she would be better off without her anymore. She still had no idea why that wasnât true, but she decided to trust Trixie with no questions asked.Â
Katya wanted to fuck Trixie, once or twice. Actually, a lot of times. But she knew better than to do this, she knew better than to ruin the bond they had just for a fuck. Trixie could never do sex without relationships. At least not with someone she loved as much as she loved Katya. And Katya didnât do relationships. At least not with someone she loved as much as she loved Trixie. So sex was off the table, but it was okay as long as they had that mutual love and respect for each other.
There were a lot of things Trixie liked about Katya. She liked her blue eyes, her blinding-bright smile and her newly-done tattoos (she was «so happy Katya has them»). Trixie liked how smart and wise Katya actually was, how creative she was, how she could make the most fucked-up, scary things sound funny. Trixie liked how Katya would grab her palm, her knee, her shoulder, her anything basically while laughing at her jokes way too loudly. Trixie liked how calming Katyaâs voice was in the dark room after the rough night Trixie had, how warm and genuine her embrace was and how strong she could be in order to help drunk Trixie to her bed. Trixie liked the way Katya looked at her with loving tenderness sometimes and thought that Trixie wouldnât notice. Trixie just liked Katya in general, a lot.
The were just as many things (if not more) that Katya liked about Trixie. She liked her soft lips, her long fingers and her thighs. Katya liked how ambitious and confident, how effortlessly funny and ridiculously talented she was. Katya liked the way she let her grab her all the time but never grabbed back, because she respected her needs and always did her best to give her space. Katya liked the way Trixieâs eyes light up when she would have another «amazing idea», the way Trixieâs voice would shake a little during emotional lyrics and the way she would cry with real-ass tears during a dumb (just from Katyaâs point of view, obviously) melodramatic movie. Katya liked how Trixie was capable of shutting all the annoying voices in her head and making her worries and insecurities become quite small and remote. Katya liked how defensive Trixie would get about her sometimes, even when not necessary. Katya just liked Trixie in general, so much.
When they met on season 7, they couldnât possibly imagine all of this would happen. All ups and downs they would share, all of the moments that led to their friendship flourishing more and more, all of the moments that were set to ruin their relationship but surprisingly didnât. They often heard their friendship being called the best one in RuPaulâs Drag Race herstory. Well, they agreed.Â
THE IMPORTANCE OF TV REPRESENTATION: REASONS AND EXAMPLES.
Being a pretty experienced viewer, I often find myself thinking about the significance of tv-representation. The process of shaping into the person I am today would never have the same result without countless tv-series, shows and movies I stumbled upon on the way. Media space is a place that can be not only entertaining, but also educational. By educational here I donât necessarily mean academic knowledge, Iâm talking about every day-life skills and widening world perception. Learning how to live in peace with ourselves and with other people is a true secret of a happy life. Thatâs why it is important use media with a purpose to remind people about the past, educate about today and show possible consequences in the future.
I tried to highlight the reasons why I believe TV-representation has significant relevance nowadays. Firstly, watching TV or videos happens to be the most common way of spending leisure time among kids, teenagers and youngsters. Since it requires minimum activity it is the easiest possible way to relax and stay entertained at once. Secondly, TV has the biggest potential to turn boring topics into something relatable and exciting by creating interesting characters, breath-taking plots, using popular audio-tracks and eye-catching sceneries. The last but not the least important reason is being able to change peopleâs world-views or opinions towards the represented issue or make people feel accepted and okay with themselves by relatable content.
In my opinion, such theme should only be discussed and explained via examples of tv-representation. Here Iâm going to display only a few series that I either found to be great representatives of particular social issues or social groups or breaking irrelevant and toxic stereotypes.
(SPOILER ALLERT!
+ Everything I state below is exclusively my own perception of those series and everyone is completely free to agree or disagree.)
 1. GREYâS ANATOMY (2005- )
Iâve been a huge fan of this medical show since 2014 and the there are quite a few issues represented throughout 16 seasons that aired in a period from 2005 to this year. In my opinion, the most important part of the show is representation of feminism. Development of the main character â Meredith Grey is fascinating. She has turned from an insecure intern into a surgeon with a world-known name and a head of general surgery in the Grey-Sloan hospital in Seattle. Alongside with Meredith there are plenty of amazing women working as surgeons and heads of departments in GSH. Moreover, the chief of surgery currently is also a woman! In this show both men and women not only dream big, but also have an opportunity to turn their dreams into reality. Greyâs Anatomy has a huge impact on young girls and boys all over the world as it inspires them to become doctors. Every day is a beautiful day to save lives, I believe.
 2. TOY BOY (2019 - )
This show is my recent but no less valuable discovery. Dictionary defines «toy boy» as a young man who is having a sexual relationship with an older woman â used humorously. The main character of this show, Hugo, has been put in prison for the crime he did not commit. After 7 years in prison he is determined to prove his innocence with a help of a young lawyer â Triana while getting back to his work as a stripper in a bar alongside with his best friends: Ivan, German and Jairo. While watching this show I pointed out a few topics that the attention of viewers is clearly supposed to be drawn to. Firstly, male stripping and prostitution. It is important to remember that not only women choose to do this professionally and that it is completely fine as long as you enjoy it and stay mentally in a good place. Every job has its struggles and we can see the ups and downs of being a male-stripper on this show. Secondly, thanks-thanks-thanks a lot to writers for representing a disabled person. One of the key-characters â Jairo is mute. And he receives nothing but support and appreciation for being who he is, never being treated differently by his friends. It doesnât in any way diminish him as a person. I consider Jairo to be the most loving, accepting and understanding character that makes him truly likable to the viewers. His relationships with Andrea, who was raped as a child and grew up to be really introverted and shy, is the most precious thing to be seen on this show. The way Jairo and Andrea were able to bond over their struggles and the way they found comfort in each other is a great example of something beautiful coming out of something dark and uncomfortable. The other important topic is domestic violence and rape. The phenomena of being sexually assaulted is horrible on its own, while being sexually assaulted by your relative, by your ankle is terrifying. Andrea represents all those kids and teenagers whose mental health was completely destroyed by people who were supposed to care for them. Iâm glad that «Toy Boy» found a way to show how it can get better even when it seems like it never will.
The show that rewrote the history and we were all completely there for it! The show about people being brave and following their dreams despite it being truly dangerous. This story is inspiring for all people cause the most important thing to learn from this show is that it doesnât matter where you come from, what you background is, no matter what color your skin is or what your sexuality is â it should never stop you from dreaming. All those things should never make you feel like you donât stand a chance, that youâre not worth it, that youâre less valuable. What actually means a lot is your personality, your talent and determination to go all the way. I was blown away by literally every single character in this show. I admire Raymond Ainsley for not giving up on representation in his movie. I admire Camille Washington for not giving up her right to be treated the same as other actresses. I admire Archie Coleman for being brave and showing that true success never depends on anything but talent. I admire Richard Samuels for always staying unbiased and finding the courage to be himself truly. I admire Avis Amberg for standing up for the right values and using her power is the most honorable way there was. I didnât mention all of the characters, but every single one of them has their own story and something to teach the viewer.
 5. COMMUNITY (2009-2015)
Now I would like to introduce you to the show about diversity and true friendship. It teaches viewer that your friends are your chosen family, nobody is perfect but when you decide to stick together â you stick for all ups and downs, for the best and for the worst. All of the main characters are different: they have different backgrounds, different world-perceptions and different behavior-patterns. Anyway, those differences ultimately should never stay on the way of true kindness and compassion. «Community» explores topics that might seem offensive at times, but the conclusion is always the same â people need to accept each other for who they are. Moreover, the significant lesson in this show is that if you have a problem with someone, you should first try to find a problem within yourself.
I have no idea why Iâm making this post. I guess itâs another way of creating memories apart from taking pictures. Maybe one day I would like to remember how I felt exactly two months into being 20 years old and almost a month on self-isolation, this post will come in handy. Honestly, sometimes I wish I was a better writer so I could capture every single emotion, every single moment of my life in words. I have A LOT of thoughts daily but I never write them down since I have no clue how to do it in a right way. So this text is just a pathetic attempt not of sharing my thoughts with others, but of creating a memory of youth to come back to when Iâm older.
Itâs been over a month since Iâm back home in Perm living with my parents and ataying in my old room. Being the kind of person who misses their family a lot when away, I thought it would be easier for me to accept the idea of staying here at least for the next half of the year. It came as a surprise for me that being excited about spending time in Perm is only easy when I have a dated ticket back to Saint-Petersburg. All my expectations of grown-up life were destroyed by this pandemic situation and it makes me feel upset & devastated. I feel like Iâm being deprived of this psrticular part of my youth that Iâll never get back. And even though Iâm trying to stay busy all the time in order not to give in to sadness, I canât help but keep thinking of how diggerent my life would be right now if it wasnât for covid-19. All I can do now is try to manage my time in a righ way sice I have to keep up with my uni assigments but also have some time for myself and stay in touch with my dearest friends in order not to go completely insane.
There are few things that make me feel better. First of all, not having to live all alone. No matter how upsetting the fact that Iâm back in my old room may seem sometimes, there is no other place on Earth Iâd rather be in such difficult time but in my family home. Secondly, I have an opportunity to still hear from my friends every day and see their faces due to the âmagicâ of Internet. Honestly, I feel as lucky as ever every time I realize I was born in the 21st century & I donât actually have to be with someone in the same room to see them and have a conversation. Moreover, I have an endless amount of tv-shows to catch on. It may seem a little odd, but the emotions and feeling Iâm currently lacking can be regained by watching a good series. Glad it works for me. I feel like making a separate post to highlight the best âissues-representationâ that I luckily bumped into while jumping from one amazing story to another these past weeks.
As Iâve already mentioned, staying home 24/7 is hard. At the same time, I do understant how lucky I actually am and how small my worries may seem in comparison with what people who are currently homeless, who have no money to pay their bills and buy food, who are locked up with violent family members have to go through. I want this to be over as soon as possible for all of us. I want this pandemic situation to be a lesson for every one of us that life can change fast and we should be ready in order to survive. Society has yet a lot to learn and a lot to discover, it seems stupid to believe we can overcome everything and always stay in control of every situation that may come our way. I believe there is no way to be perfectly sure about something, there should always be a room for growth and development. This is an unfortunate thing that we can only deal with successfully if we are united as a population.
So I hope for everyone and myself to stay kind & stay safe during these unpleasant times. Maybe itâs ACTUALLY always darkest before the dawn.
So, I guess I failed to do ANYTHING here even tho I really wanted. I always lack desire to turn my ideas into reality. Well, something I gotta change in 2020. 2019 was nice and rough at the same time. I was hurting & hit pretty low places. But Im proud Iâve stayed true to myself on every step of the way.
I guess, Iâve lost a couple of people I loved. I lost them to different things. All I know now is that you should REALLY cherish every second of every minute spent with your loved ones, you never know which one is the last. I see I only truly have me in this life, but knowing someone else cares a little (or a lot) too makes even the worst moments worth living.
Im thankful now for the bad days just as much as for the good ones. I study, I move on, I have a will to do things Im interested in and I donât ever intend to stop. So all I want in 2020 is to get even better. Not better than someone else, but better than I was in 2019. Try harder, grow & learn. Be more acceptable of surroundings and keep on spreading the simpliest ideas:
1. Treat others just the way you want to be treated by them back.
I constantly want to feel better & I know we all want it. I guess, Iâm more than able to at least treat people nicely. Feels good being nice, it feels right, natural. It all comes back sometime, the best and the worst of us, so it really wouldnât hurt to be kind.
2. Being more of yourself is NEVER about making less of others.
Bringing surroundings down is NEVER the way to lift yourself up. Itâs just the way of self-destruction. Im 100% there for self-development but Iâm also 100% sure Im not the only one who is. Thereâs ALWAYS a way to be comfortable with yourself and be considerate of others feeling at the same time. Thats what I believe in.
3. Acceptance is the key to equality. And equality is the key to a better tomorrow.
Im not perfect, no one ever was, is or will be. Some things are just out of my power, I cant be sure things go my way, even if I do everything that depends on me perfectly. And itâs okay. So I just ACCEPT it and move on.
Im going into this new year with an open mind & an open heart. So, 2020, I say I love you and I hope to hear it back. â€ïž
Im the happiest person alive. Living in SPb has been AMAZING so far. I fell in love with the city just as much as with these people. Grateful and excited for the new to come. â€ïž
In less than a couple of weeks Im graduating from school completely. You see, yesterday was my very last exam, but it still doesnât feel like freedom since I donât know most of my results yet. Am I terrified? Yes. Am I looking forward to enter the new life? Also yes. Sepping into the unknown is scary, itâs making me shake to my core. Iâm struk by the thought that I might loose all of the friends I have and never make new ones. To be honest, donât quite feel like ever making new ones at all. It was tough for me when I was a kid, itâs still tough when Iâm 18 years of age. Anyways, Iâm gonna keep studying during this summer because I have no right to forget every single thing Iâve learned for the past two years. Moreover, I have lost of books to read waiting for me on the shelves and Iâd like to keep on learning German. Right now I feel a little numb since I have to literally sit still wait for my results to appear on the site. I have nightmares about it every other night. Inspite of my fears, I believe itâs important to find your peace with what youâve achieved. No matter how hard it is, you really need to make that happen for your own well-being. Itâs always unbelievably hard to feel like failure, to feel like you let down the people who love you and who believe in you for no visible reason. But seeing light in the darkness is not just neccessary, itâs priceless. I might dislike educational system of my country, but I love so many other things that are worth fighting for. So I try to fight.
amandla
titsay
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dailybridgerton
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