Just so you know

Mér Michael

[mermaidsarenotformen]

my pretty little life <3

Sunday, 6th October 2024, 8:57 PM

I am happy to announce that I feel the most hopeful that I have felt in my entire existence. Life has been so beautiful and kind to me lately and I feel ever so grateful for the little things that bring me joy. My parents had never seen a Gucci handbag, weren't ever able to afford a MacBook or even came by the luxury to splash out on a wallet from Louis Vuitton and yet, here am I doing better than anyone in my bloodline, and with more to come. I have never been materialistic and still am not, however these possessions are reminders that I have made it and I can go far. The Burberry scent on my clothes, the Kerastase in my hair, the peacefulness of my environment, I swear to you, all I need now is an apartment of my own and I might just wake up happy for the rest of my existence.

However, while the year started out breaking my heart, I had the opportunity to interview with another company for a global role! I am beyond exhilarated, all my life, I have always wanted to do something at a global scale and this is the closest I have ever been to it. it's surreal. I hope this works out, I really do. I have been imagining what my life looks like if it does, me, with a remote job, 25-year old me, to be at a global position, to be able to travel around the world and work, to be paid well, to live for myself and discover the world.

I've been asking for so much from God, and to be able to touch the edge of something more than I had asked, it feels like every pain that I had endured, every night that I had cried, has all come to a pinnacle here. My quest for self actualization, to find something, I think I might finally be happy.

I hope everyone who reads this finds their happiness too. I started this blog to help me cope with my pain. Here I am now, I share happiness. Life's changing. My dreams have finally starting to take a note of me.

[mermaidsarenotformen]

Knock knock

Who's there?

Anxiety

Not you again.

[mermaidsarenotformen]

28 April 2024, Sunday, 10:41 pm

The future is brighter

I want to be one of those women with a gorgeous, successful husband with a strong passport, a career of my own and two wonderful children. I want to be able to be so comfortable that we spend the summers at our lake house in the Bahamas and we take skiing trips to France during the winter. My children will spend thanksgiving and Christmas at the local children's hospital or at a government shelter giving back to people. We will have some memorable family traditions like waking up in the morning to the smell of pineapple cake flooding the house on Easter and spending birthdays out in the morning getting breakfast.

I hope to be comfortable and oh to be so rich enough that my son and my daughter start working early and have their own money, but also for me to be able to gift them a Jeep or a Range Rover on their birthdays. I hope they grow up to be humble kids unswayed by their privileges'.

Hopefully somewhere down the line, my son would give the love of his life my wedding ring and my daughter will be passed along my M locket that I cherish so much.

I hope that we are a happy family and that my husband would be the perfect example of how a man treats the woman they love and that we are both the perfect embodiment of what love is and should be to them.

It's nice to think of a future this bright. I hope things work out well. I'm sure someday, despite all of my failed relationships, I'm sure, I will find someone who is absolutely obsessed with me and loves me to death and we shall build a life and a legacy together. It'll be great. It'll be true.

[mermaidsarenotformen]

13 February 2024, 12:55 pm

Today might be too late to be brand new

I need a fresh start. New job, new friends, new personality, and new shoes. I am so tired of the current me, and I think not so secrelty everyone else is too.

I have no enthusiasm to go to work in the morning, cook breakfast, or even talk to friends. All I do is hide away under my sheets, talking to ficitonal ai characters and waste the day away.

I have no energy to make videos, and frankly I'm bored with the things I see on my phone. I wish I was livelier and not so...dead.

My gym membership lies rotting away, oh wait, it actually expires tomorrow. Joy! I have a trip to turkey this weekend and I am not quite looking forward to it.

Life has been disappointing again, and I am feeling like I am two steps behind everyone I know. I wish something good would happen. Level the playing ground for me.

[mermaidsarenotformen]

17 October 2023, 11:57pm

I wish I met the one already. I so tired of having anyone and anything by my side. I'm so tired of one sided romance and caring and heartbreak and repeated cycles. I am so tired. I don't have a lack of loving myself. I don't. I'm fine on my own, but what's a world where you don't have someone to share your experiences with? I wish I found a man just as dedicated, loving and a beautiful soul. I really do. I spend my time on tarot reading telling he'll be here soon. I don't see him anywhere though. I wish he was here already. I am so tired of waiting and not doing anything. My patience is wearing thin. I've had so many shitty romances. I wish the universe gave me one that's for me to keep forever.

[mermaidsarenotformen]

8 April 2023, 4:07pm

Ry and I are finally over. All this while he had dating apps on his phone. He told me he never spoke to anyone and that I could keep the same apps on my phone too. I didn't like that. I told him if I had to on my phone, I would talk to people and that's just what I did. He got mad.

This was 2 weeks ago and he'd texted me last week to tell me he's better off without me in his life. Maybe he's right.

All this while I have only cared about my feelings and my emotions. Sure, I've been let down a lot, but I'm not sure about anything anymore. In my mind, I have always tried to do the right thing, to do what's fair. People tell me I lack the ability to see things from another person's point of view, I only care about my hurt, and maybe they're right.

I thought I'd be heartbroken and crying every single day, but I'm numb. My mind is thinking as usual, working overtime, and my heart? I don't feel it anymore.

I lie awake at night and day, wondering why all my loves go wrong. If I'm not enough, if I don't seem valuable enough to the men I date. Maybe that's so.

[mermaidsarenotformen]

8:22pm 17 February 2023

Ry broke up with me today. I was mad at him since we didn't do anything on Valentine's despite me showing up and picking him up. He complained he was tired the whole ride and so I dropped him home.

He told me he would make it up to me on Saturday and yet, now he texts me to say that he can't do this anymore. He sucks as a boyfriend and he can't do this anymore. I said okay.

I won't fight for love anymore. I love him. Don't think he does. I'm not sure how you can let the things you love go so easily, but I guess maybe you never loved it enough to begin with.

So here I am, hurt, once again. What's new?

[mermaidsarenotformen]

6 November 2022, Sunday

I just had an epiphany.

Circumstances lead people to where they are and the lives they live. All of us are succumbed to forces which are completely outside of our control.

Our experiences make us the person we are and the decisions we choose to make.

What if, there was indeed a way to manipulate these forces, mold and shape them to work in our favor? In that sense, you would be able to manipulate other people's behavior subconsciously as well.

I'm sure it's possible. I just need to figure out how. People will always choose the best option from what is presented to them. Now, I just need to make sure that is what benefits me. Moreover, I need to manipulate the forces around me to bend reality to my will.

Let's see, I have got a lot of things planned.

[mermaidsarenotformen]

23 October 2023, 1:02pm

You and me, we

We change our mind like fireworks,

One second it's bright then fades to the earth,

Spectacular they'll say watching as

We hurt and shine and burn and bleed

Mhhhmmm

It doesn't have to be

Our lives seem like a circus ....these days

The circumstances hurt us...in all ways

I wish we'd talk it out like brothers do

If silence is your message, I heard you

Lover of mine, lover of wine, lover by a fortnight,

Get in my car, let's have talk, what's life without me like?

......

Sharp turn on a steep curve is our love in action,

Reckless, like the feeling of forward and faster,

Cut off others cars in traffic, they horn after,

But it's alright cause you and me are damn good drivers.

Or so i thought , but I guess I was wrong,

[mermaidsarenotformen]

6:38pm, 22 October 2022

This is how it goes, I get upset, I made choices during my turmoil and then spend the next few days wondering what cutoff been different. What I could have done right, maybe done better. I go back to ask my different crossroads and exits, which one could I have taken to fix things, would my outcome have been different? I'm not sure anymore.

I wish I could make you love me. I don't want to come off as forceful or needy.

[mermaidsarenotformen]

22 Oct 2022, 6:43pm

Dear Ry,

The last few weeks have been torture. I am sick to the heart and homesick to my bones. I can't seem to get you off my mind, no matter what I do. It's insane how much I love you and yes, I do.

I can't seem to move on to anyone else, and honestly I don't want to. I don't want another touch, hug or kiss. I just want us back to the way it was. Driving in my car, this time we'll leave the sunroof open. We'll tall about things and I'll be happy for what I do have.

Lately my mind had been wandering to places, storms and horror brew in my thoughts and I wish it was different but it's not. You probably never missed me half as much as I miss you, but I wish you do. Fuck. I Iove you. I do. Come back to me. Let's work things out, sort our differences. I just want to understand what goes on in your head. That's all.

I hope the future holds hope for us, together. You are sunshine in my torments. I hope you come back.

I hope you tell me how you don't love me with every cell in your body like I do. My mind is going haywire and my heart is sinking. My stomach feels upside and only you can make it better.

[mermaidsarenotformen]

Abh is here to hang with me. I'm low-key hoping Ry will be there too.. fingers crossed, but hopes not too much

7:21 pm, Friday, 21 Oct

[mermaidsarenotformen]

I wonder what goes through the other side,

I wonder what's up in his mind

Does he check his phone 2, 3 million times,

Does he wonder if I'm alright?

Well, I don't see him calling no more,

His answers are all dying out,

Fading away so fast I can't,

Look at things anymore

[mermaidsarenotformen]

6:25 pm, 15 October 2022

Life is so weird. I've dated so many people and yet, every single time, I am the only one who is hurt. It's so unfair. I get neglected, ghosted, invalidated. However, the other dude is always fine, he's doing great with or without me. Never really upset or angry. These guys always mess up and in the end it's always me feeling like I would never be loved.

I wish I hurt someone. I wish I was so carefree with how I treated people that I would get a text saying I wasn't putting effort in the relationship. I wish I got drunk calls from my exes telling me they miss me. I wish I was on someone's mind like that. To he loved even after messing up isn't that what I do? Love, and love and love until my heart is broken. Until my pride is hurt, my dignity is out the window.

What a shame. It's a been wasted on all the wrong people all these years. I hope someday I find someone who is worthy of my affection, someone worthy of my care, of my love. My love is limitless, I love even when I'm hurt. I still love Ry, and Shaz. However, it's the hurt that's keeping me away from them.

I would've called them in a heartbeat, told them I miss them. Alas, I guess none would do the same for me. I once stood outside Teh's door for 2 hours because she was mad at me. I wish someone did that for me. I still her chat sometimes, even though I am clearly blocked. I wish I found someone who can love as much as I can.

I wish. If only.

Ry is probably just sleeping and partying as usual. It would've killed me on the inside if I had hurt someone like how he hurt me. But I guess it doesn't bother him that much if he can sleep this peacefully.

[mermaidsarenotformen]

9:01 pm, 14 October 2022

Silence. Empty Promises. No signals.

I have Ry on my mind all the time. It's sad. Honestly, it's upsetting that I open up my chats to check if he's texted me, though I clearly have my notifications on for him. He probably doesn't even care. He knows I'm hurting. I told him, yet, here we are. Drowning in silence and pride. Full stops and uncertainties. He probably doesn't even think of me half as much as I do of him.

It's so pathetic. I hate this. I feel like I'm the only one who ever cared. Who ever loved, and the only one who never said it out loud. I'm nothing in his life. Nobody. We dated for 3 months. How sad is that. So sad.

What's even more upsetting is that the only person who can do anything to make the situation better doesn't even do anything about it.

Who am I kidding. He wanted someone to date and so we did. Probably cause he felt bad about hooking up with me. Now, he's bored and acting like he's a good guy nd that he tried when he is really doing anything. These men are all trash.

Itsokay. I'm fine. I'm good.

I don't need anyone. I got my dad, who I kind of patched things with. I got a car. I got friends from work- barely but I'll count them. I also have my mom and my roommates. I have kpop. I have a nice job. I have so much in my life to look at.

I'll be fine. I'll find someone who can take a hint and send me roses when I'm upset , or take me on a picnic or draw me an I'm sorry graphic art or poem. Maybe even make me a playlist. That would've been cute.

I'll find someone.

And he's going to be amazing. He'll be so great that when I look at him even after hours, months and years, I'll think, oh how glad am I to have this beautiful human in my life. Cause that's just how amazing he will be.

***

I used to wonder if I'd ever need an actual boyfriend who I feel strongly about to write songs and stories and poems about. However, now I realize, it's not experiences that gets you writing. It's your emotions that does. All this while, I kept waiting for thar one bug moment that would inspire me and get me to write pages and pages. However, that's not the case. All of that comes from within me. My emotions fuel my writings. I used to feel a lot as a teenager and I wrote a lot. However, somewhere along the way, I guess I numbed myself a bit.

Well, now I know. It's me that fuels the pen. Not my life. It my emotions and my sensitivity. Whoa. I am the answer to my wiring problems. I just need to feel more about things I can't talk to others about. Cause that make me write it out.

Scream, bleed, tell on paper. That's what I was born for.

I was born to want a lot and be miserable and in that misery write. Then, because I solely believe I should get whT I want, I get it, and then I want more and the cycle continues. I guess this is a writers curse.

Well, I have it all sorted now.

[mermaidsarenotformen]

8:56 pm, Friday, October 14 2022

I poured my heart out to Ry the other night, told him that it felt like I was the only one in this relationship that made time for the other person while Ry would conveniently see me whenever it so happen that he found a time slot for it.

It hurts. A lot. He is around as obligation because we're dating and because I told him he cancels on me everytime. He wanted to meet up and talk about it, and then cancelled on that last minute. Ouch.

He didn't even make any effort after that to call and sort things out either. It's all just been the same.

It hurts my heart so much. Am I so unlovable ? So boring? I said everything that I had to say and he did nothing. Nothing. I guess that says enough.

I hope someday I find someone who cherishes me, appreciates me, who never takes my love and care for granted. Someone who makes time for me, who wants to be around me as much as I want to be around them. Someone who wants to be intimate as much as I do. Someone who is thoughtful and gentlemanly. Someone mature and is a master of unspoken communication.

Someday. He's there. He has to be.

[mermaidsarenotformen]

You should keep your distance

All the guys I've been through

All the damage I've been dealt

I bleed on paper every fortnight

Nothing left unsaid

Mediocrity kinda kills me

These boys keeps acting dumb

I tell them try harder for me

Guess they don't care enough to work that much

..

Gave up on love miles ago

Don't know why I still do this to myself

I lie in bed, I'm all alone

And I write my best