the hatter's the matter

jefferson madigan. jay to my mates, 'that bloody nutter' to my foes. resident hatter, professor, and riddle talker-inner.

[seandorothy]

(✿◠‿◠)

[merrymadigan]

TEXTS: JAS

Jasper: Good.

Jasper: You sure?

Jasper: OKAY. FINE. Maybe. Ahhh

Jefferson: You know I'd tell you if she was anything other than Gracie's friend's Mum.

Jefferson: NO MAYBE ONLY YES

[merrymadigan]

TEXTS: JAS

Jasper: I should hope so, yeah. I mean, we won't? Right?

Jasper: Wait... is there actually something I should know? About Miss Pastry Chef?

Jasper: It could be!

Jefferson: Of course we won't!

Jefferson: No! She's Gracie's friend's Mum. That's all.

Jefferson: IT WON'T BE

[merrymadigan]

TEXTS: JAS

Jasper: It would indeed. But, I suppose I am technically leaving you, so... is she cute?

Jasper: Oh God. Alright, fine. I'll go on the date, but don't tell mum just yet. Wait until after the date. I don't need you two gossipping over tea and biccies about the inevitable doom that is my love life.

Jasper: I know, baby, I know. Me neither.

Jefferson: You know we'll never leave each other, correct?

Jefferson: She's... quite lovely.

Jefferson: It's not doooooooomed!

[merrymadigan]

TEXTS: JAS

Jasper: I SAID PROBLEM BECAUSE YOU SAID PROBLEM. You said "Dads help with problems"!

Jasper: Oh, very cute. We've just solved that riddle, then. You're leaving me for a pastry chef! Very quaint.

Jasper: I'm calm. It's totally fine. It's aaalllll good

Jasper: What if she's worse than the She-Devil herself? What if she hates you? Okay, she doesn't hate you. What if... what if she hates my mam? Remember that lad I dated back in Uni that called mam an old hag?

Jefferson: And I did! You're welcome :-)

Jefferson: I'm not leaving you for anyone! How could I leave my faux-husband? Wouldn't that be rotten!

Jefferson: It's one date, dear. I like Eliza a lot, you could do a lot worse! She seems like the kind of person Mums love. SPEAKING OF, can we please tell your Mum about her?

Jefferson: I did not like him at all, Jas.

[merrymadigan]

TEXTS: JAS

Jasper: Ye of little faith. Jesus, Jay! You really think I'd do that?

Jasper: Wait, you do? Who do you know that's a pastry chef?

Jasper: Thanks, baby. I dunno. I'm nervous? I don't think this is a good idea. What if I regret it? What if she hates me? What if I hate her? What if I'm not ready?

Jefferson: You said PROBLEM, dear.

Jefferson: Oh! One of the Mums from Grace's school. She owns a little diner or something? It's lovely! She's very sweet. Gracie and her son play together.

Jefferson: Deep breaths, Jasper! In through the mouth, out through the nose!

Jefferson: Wait, swap that around!

Jefferson: It's a wonderful idea. You only ever regret the things you didn't do, my darling. It's been four years. You, love, are ready. And you're gonna smash it. x

[merrymadigan]

TEXTS: JAS

Jasper: Yes, she's gorgeous. Yes, she seems to like me. And, YES, she also happens to be my student? Jefferson!

Jasper: Trust me, pal, you could.

Jasper: Aw, thanks Jay. Well, you know, you're sexy too. And I'm sure there's a pastry chef out there for you. Not sure I happen to know any, mind, do you?

Jefferson: Well, I thought that was where the 'problem' part of the situation stemmed from...

Jefferson: Aw, shucks. I love you.

Jefferson: I do, actually! Who'd have thunk?

Jefferson: Also..... Jasper.....

Jefferson: I'm quite pleased for you. You deserve this very much so.

[merrymadigan]

TEXTS: JAS

Jasper: The girl who ruffles your....?

Jasper: ARIADNE?! You thought I meant ARIADNE?!!

Jasper: Jesus wept

Jasper: I guess. Though, for the record, you could land me. It's you that's out of my league.

Jasper: Oh. Well, thank you, babe.

Jasper: I WASN'T BEING SMUG. I JUST DIDN'T BELIEVE YOU.

Jasper: ...am I still sexy?

Jefferson: WHAT!!!

Jefferson: She's quite pretty, isn't she? And she seems to like you. And you said there was a, quote, "problem", end quote, so I thooooought?

Jefferson: No siree! I couldn't land me a Jasper Woolf if I tried, love.

Jefferson: I mean, yes, you're still sexy. Now you're just rather aware of it.

[merrymadigan]

TEXTS: JAS

Jasper: So, what you're saying is that in order for you to be kissing someone, we need to find you a baker? Or a pastry chef, maybe?

Jasper: Jefferson Madigan. What are you keeping from me?

Jasper: You can? Why? What do you mean you can see why she'd think that?

Jasper: I'm glad, too. Maybe you can tell mum about the pockets, too.

Jasper: Sexy? SEXY? You think I'm sexy?

Jasper: Am I sexy?

Jasper: Jefferson, do you find me sexy? Is this a chat we need to be having?

Jefferson: Mayhaps? Although maybe all that would happen then was I'd eat a lot of bread, and put on a few pounds, and have to let out the waistband on all my fine clothes...

Jefferson: Nothing! I mean, not nothing.

Jefferson: I thought perhaps it might be the abrasive girl who always ruffles my hair.

Jefferson: I mean, is it a bold assumption to make? We're fairly close, two peas in a pod! I'm flattered she'd assume I could land you!

Jefferson: I mean, as a man, with eyes, who can appreciate beauty aesthetically, I would say yes, you are quite a sexy man? Am I wrong?

Jefferson: Oh, but your smugness about this is making you less sexy...

[merrymadigan]

TEXTS: JAS

Jasper: Yes, I remember. I just didn't think it was necessarily something you wanted to do now. With doughnuts.

Jasper: Jay, baby, what are you keeping?

Jasper: Well, actually, she's quite fond of you, but funny story... she thought we were married? You and me? Ha! Funny, right? Very funny. Imagine that.

Jasper: Yes, exactly! I knew you'd be happy about that. As soon as I saw them, I thought, wow. I need to tell Jefferson about the pockets!

Jasper: But, yeah, anyway. I'm goig on a dte with a girl - woman - with pockets. And i'm bloody terrified.

Jefferson: Well, perhaps not without the added allure of doughnuts.

Jefferson: Nothing! Not me. Jay, keeping something? Not I, NO Sir!

Jefferson: Oh!

Jefferson: Well, I can see why she'd think that!

Jefferson: I'm very glad you told me about the pockets. Except for the later conversation we'll be having with your Mum, Eliza's pockets are the highlight of my day!

Jefferson: Um, okay! Here comes the advice part...

Jefferson: DON'T BE SCARED.

Jefferson: You are a wonderful, sexy man and it's about time you dated someone nice, someone with pockets!

Jefferson: Rose speaks very highly of Eliza, too!

[merrymadigan]

TEXTS: JAS

Jasper: Right, well, I'll let you keep that one between the pair of you.

Jasper: You do? Kissing? And doughnuts, but even the kissing? Really?

Jasper: Wait, what?! WHO were you expecting?

Jasper: Yes, she's Rose's friend. We spoke about you, actually. Both of you. I have no idea about the clip, but I can tell you something that's gonna make your day...

Jasper: She was wearing a skirt - very pretty, you know, a skirt - and it had POCKETS. Pockets, Jay! Remember when you made Rose that skirt with pockets and she cried?

Jefferson: Once upon a time, I did very much do kissing. I know you might not remember it, but it did indeed happen!

Jefferson: Did I say I was expecting someone? I don’t remember.

Jefferson: You did? Were they nice things? I like that girl!

Jefferson: Woman, I like that woman!

Jefferson: pOCKETS???

Jefferson: Oh, women do love things with pockets! I think because the pockets on women’s clothing are usually so terrible... the last time I bought a pair of jeans the pockets were ever so ghastly. The one downside to women’s clothing, actually!

[merrymadigan]

TEXTS: JAS

Jasper: I'll give her a call tonight once you get here. Thanks for checking in with her, babe.

Jasper: Can't wait to see it!

Jasper: Kissing and doughnuts? Is that what you think people do?

Jasper: IS that what people do?

Jasper: Bloody hell. Yeah, she said yes. Her name's Eliza, she knows you... actually.

Jefferson: But of course! :-) I love your Mum. I love her jokes! She told one the other day... it was a bit rude actually and I’m not quite sure I understood it, but it gave us both a giggle.

Jefferson: I don’t know what people do! I think I’d like to be taken out for kissing and doughnuts, it sounds nice.

Jefferson: Oh, alright! That’s not who I was expecting.

Jefferson: That’s Rose’s pretty friend, yes? The American? Oh! Last time she came to see me she had this lovely bat hair clip in. From The Etsy. Do you think she’ll wear it on your date?

[merrymadigan]

TEXTS: JAS

Jasper: Right, well, we're not skypig my mam.

Jasper: Oh my God, can I see it? Show me! I wanna see it.

Jasper: Also is this a problem? Do you think it's a problem? It's been too long, hasn't it. I haven't... I've not gone out with anyone in ages, Jay.

Jasper: Yes on bloody purpose!

Jefferson: Why on Earth not? I was on the phone to her the other day and she said she misses your face!

Jefferson: I can bring it over tonight. It’s currently in the boot of my car. Gives me a bit of a fright whenever I go in, honestly, dear.

Jefferson: Why would it be a problem? I assume this person said yes? I assume they’re free and single and would like to go out for kissing and doughnuts?

Jefferson: I had to ask!

Jefferson: Who is it?

[merrymadigan]

TEXTS: JAS

Jasper: I don't, and that's fine. I have one friend. He's you. I love you, and I love that you're that one riend, but it also means you're gonna have to deal with this minor meltdown?

Jasper: Yes, babe, I knew otters held hands when they go downstream. I remember from the last time I saw Gracie and she said, 'JAS! LOOK AT THESE VIDEOS PAPA SHOWED ME!' and made me watch 47 minutes of Otter footage. Very cute.

Jasper: ANyway. Listen. Buddy. Honey. Sweetie. I asked someone out on a date?

Jefferson: Okay, I can do that. I’m a Dad, Dads handle problems and meltdowns. Not saying this is a problem. And Mums are better at this stuff... what if we skyped your Mum?

Jefferson: She was so happy that day. You know she wants to be an otter for Halloween? I’ve been making an otter costume for months now.

Jefferson: On purpose?

[merrymadigan]

TEXTS: JAS

Jasper: Sorry, shit

Jasper: I didn't mean to put you on the spot?

Jasper: You're literally my only friend, babe, and I don't think I should be asking Grace for advice

Jefferson: You’ve got pals, love! I didn’t mean you SHOULDN’T ask me, just if I were you I would find someone who knew anything at all about women. Perhaps a friendly otter? You know, they hold hands when they go downstream?

[merrymadigan]

TEXTS: JAS

Jasper: Hey, babe. I need some advice?

Jasper: Girl advice? I suppose.

Jefferson: Oh

Jefferson: You thought I would be the person to help with that?

Jefferson: NOT TO SAY I WON’T HELP, I WILL HELP

[merrymadigan]

TEXTS: JAS

Jasper: Jefferson, honey. I need your help?

Jefferson: Hiya, chum! Is everything fine and dandy on your end?