Did you seriously eat all my Oreos?
We do not need that many tiny pumpkins.
Want to help egg my ex’ house?
Can I get a kid’s menu and a rum and coke, please?
At least your hair still looks good.
I’m a real adult, just last week I bought a vegetable.
What do you mean, ‘whoops’?
Get in the fucking blanket fort.
Please stop talking about how you want to bang my dad.
If it helps, this isn’t actually my cat.
This was supposed to be a date?
I have such soft hair and nobody is playing with it!
I’m sorry, what were you saying? I saw a dog and I stopped listening.
I want to sit on their lap and feed them grapes.
Sorry your crotch is bleeding.
Why am I in your phone as ‘himbo number two’?
Go take a nap and maybe you’ll feel better.
That’s not a cat it’s an opossum.
Are you crying about dogs on the internet again?
For the love of all that is holy, please go to sleep.
I’m sorry my cat keeps stealing your underwear.
It’s my emotional support Furby.
Sorry isn’t going to bring back the last slice of cheesecake.
Harold, they’re lesbians.
He knows the names of all my plants, I’m in love.
Of course you have a zombie apocalypse plan.
Excuse me, I think you mean I just won a staring contest with a turtle.
I’m not annoyed that’s just my face.
You already did the stupid thing, didn’t you?
She’s so pretty it makes me want to punch myself.
It’s a good thing you’re cute.
Want to help me steal the neighbour’s cat?
Bad and naughty children get wrapped up in the blanket burrito for their crimes.
Sorry to text so late, can your dog come over?
Why do you need 500 worms-on-a-string?
First of all, no. Second of all, no.
How many cups of coffee have you had?
They’re so small, I can’t protect them.
You know that phrase ‘fuck around, find out’? Well, I fucked around and found out.
You’d marry me if I asked, right?
Don’t worry, I think I have a tumblr mutual in this country that could help us.
It’s three in the morning why are you in my kitchen?
Don’t be such a drama llama.
I’m sorry, I wasn’t catcalling you, I was catcalling my buddy.
If we get caught, I’m blaming you.
I regret to inform you that the straights are at it again.
I killed you in the Sims, I’m a terrible friend.
Why are all my friends so pretty?
Pay attention to me, I’m cute and needy.
“Why is he on the counter?” / “He likes to feel tall.”